Newsjack Rejections Page 4

BREAKING NEWS:
1) The Pope held a large mass in Philadelphia to mark the end of his US visit. The large mass was later released, once he'd agreed to cut down on his cheese intake.

2) Video game actors warned that calling off strike action could render them, in-console-able.

3) In the seaside town of Littlehampton, fears that high tides will lead to flooding have forced the Environment Agency to cancel the opening ceremony for a £20m flood defence scheme. The agency has denied claims of being a bunch of useless Cnuts.

VIEWSJACK:
1) I hear The British Museum is going to appoint a German as their new Director. I guess it's because the Germans also have a great record of hoarding stolen treasures?

2) Facebook is off-line for few minutes and the entire world goes in to meltdown. The last time I heard so much moaning after something on the internet went down; I had to delete my browser history.

3) Apparently, Catalonia has voted to split. Well, I suppose they haven't really done that much since, "Road Rage".

BREAKING NEWS:
1. Cameron promises there will be no cuts in free school meals. 5 children hospitalised from Turkey Twizzler asphyxiation.
2. New HD images of Pluto reveal a "scaly" surface. NASA still won't classify it as a planet, but are open to giving it dragon-status.
3. Pope visits UN, answering age old question: does the pope shit in the headquarters of an intergovernmental organisation that promotes international co-operation.

VIEWJACK:
1. "Did you hear about the whale's vomit that sold at auction for £11k? My vomit didn't even reach its £1k reserve price."
2. "US and China have agreed a cybercrime truce. Back to conventional warfare it is then!"
3. "Scientists have explained the dark streaks on the surface of Mars were caused by water. That's how I try to explain my skid-marks too."

NEWSJACK:

1. Following the news that Jeremy Corbyn may be denied intelligence briefings due to his terrorist sympathies, David Cameron has been banned from Bodeans.

2. This week the Labour conference decided to not discuss controversial issues, like Trident. So instead the party stuck to safer subjects, and determined that the sky is blue, the pope is catholic, and bears enjoy defecating in areas of heavy forestation.

VIEWSJACK:

1. I saw the super moon on Sunday. Largest moon I've seen since Vanessa Feltz had a wardrobe malfunction.

Jokes about Vanessa Feltz will not get in. You have to change it to another fat girl.

Rejects from last week. Something of mine made it onto the nearly list, but not sure if it was one of these or a sketch.

BREAKING NEWS:
1. Greenpeace condemns Rugby World Cup draw, which could see Japan taking on Wales.
2. Shell have abandoned plans to drill for oil in the Arctic, after getting cold feet.
3. Dead celebrity news: NASA find Rivers on Mars, still no sign of Presley on moon.

VIEWSJACK:
1. I tell you, if Facebook crashes one more time I'm going to have to ring someone.
2. Shell say they've abandoned drilling in the Arctic, but that doesn't cut any ice with me.
3. I thought there'd still be loads of pig jokes this week, but we seem to have porked out.

from last week - I'm happy with the length (first time I've ever thought that) .

HEADLINES

The new Bond Theme's "the Writing's on the Wall", sadly the tune goes down the drainpipe.

In his new adventures, Danger Mouse's first mission is to stop Sam Smith recording the theme tune.

The Charities Commission is unsure if Bridge qualifies as a sport, while the Lottery Board have made a snap decision.

VIEWSJACK

" Jeremy Corbyn's still deciding if he's willing to kneel, I bet Cameron's happy to squat a little if it gets his crotch closer to the platter. "

"Yogi Berra's more deader than the average Berra" ( one for the over 50's)

" The Mormons issued a 'call for calm' when the 'blood moon' caused 'end of the world' panic, Scientologists are still terrified Tom Cruise might marry again!"

Just read AdeO 's headlines - some really good ones!!!

No emails, gonna assume blanks again tonight. 1 week left...[insert montage here]

BREAKING NEWS:
1. An NFL team playing at Wembley imported 350 rolls of toilet paper from home after several tight ends complained of problems with their end zone.

2. The 5p plastic bag charge has finally solved the problem "what do I do with a 5 pence piece?"

3. Tories told by George Osborne that they are the "true labour party" have begun to egg themselves in protest of their own conference.

VIEWJACK:
1. Apparently GCHQ have the ability to control my smartphone? That explains all those embarrassing texts I don't remember sending.

2. Obama looked furious at those anti-gun control lobbyists. All that pent up rage, I hope he doesn't go on a shooting spree.

3. I commend David Cameron announcing a 7-day GP service, but honestly, I only really need it once a year at most.

Liked the first 2headlines Liebot, thought the first 2 VIEWSJACK lines were ok and didn't get either 3 ones really. So a good ratio I think from me...

BREAKING NEWS:

1. 'Sorry, I was mistaken. GCHQ are a benevolent agency that respects personal privacy and only has the public's best interests at heart', texts Edward Snowdon.

2. The government has denied claims that selling off £2bn in Lloyds shares is tantamount to flogging a dead horse.

3. George Osborne appeals to Labour voters... Labour voters assure him that he doesn't.

VIEWJACK:

1. 5p for a plastic bag? Disgusting! I mean, it's not like I can use a paper bag instead, is it? They're rubbish for auto erotic asphyxiation.

2. I did have high expectations this year, but for it all to have gone so horribly wrong - and so soon - it really is a depressing result. Now we've got to wait over four years for another chance. I certainly won't be voting Conservative again at the next election.

3. Reds flying in to Turkey? Sounds like the Merlot fuelled family tiff we have every year at Christmas.

A bonus Viewjack that didn't even make it in to my final edit...

4. I used to worry about reds under the bed, but after hearing what Edward Snowden had to say, I'm now fretting over our own in my phone.

BTW Thanks Mr. Hoskins for your kind comment. I somehow doubt that the same could be said for this week's poor effort.

BREAKING NEWS:
1. The Nobel Prize for medicine has been awarded for anti-parasite drugs, or as they're called at the Tory conference "welfare cuts". (This was performed, but didn't make the final edit)
2. A Russian weather report described Syria as sunny with "perfect conditions for fighter jets". The same report described the weather in Ukraine as overcast but tank-friendly.
3. Alex Salmond was caught boarding a flight under the name Captain James T Kirk. That's nothing, David Cameron once tried to book into a hotel under the name - hang on, he put his penis in a dead pig's mouth, how are we not still talking about this?!

VIEWJACK:
1. "At the Tory conference Osborne said they were 'the party of labour'. But at the last election Labour were the party of labour, and they lost."
2. "I've been using Tinder's new Super-Like button, it gives the other person a notification saying you like them. I'm hoping to work my way up to eye-contact by the end of the year."
3. "Will Smith released his first new song in 10 years. It's a really good song, what it is, right, is a story all about how his life got flipped, turned upside down and I'd like to take a minute just sit right there I'll tell you how he became the prince of a town called Bel-Air. Iiiiin West Philadelphia-"

My rejected oneliners this week:

BREAKING NEWS:
1. Restaurants promise to stop pocketing tips after staff demand change.
2. Constantinople braces itself after England world cup exit leaves tens of thousands of fans in crusader outfits at a loose end. One for fans of the Fourth Crusade there.
3. Will Smith's world tour will be banned from Saudi Arabia after royal censors express concerns over the lyrics: "Boom Sheikh Sheikh"

VIEWSJACK:
1. The Taxpayers Alliance thinks I'll have snuffed it by the next election so they can pinch my winter fuel allowance. They'll have to take it from my cold, dead hand!
2. Whoever dreamed up that BBC new pottery show should be fired.
3. My bubble's burst, I feel let down and deflated. Watching England teams lose really is a great cure for trapped wind.

Welp, that's it. Got a sketch on last season, nothing on this season. Hopefully TSWYW fairs better.

BREAKING NEWS:
1. Police attempting to apprehend Julian Assange have given up the "stand outside and wait" tactic, resorting to a more cost effective "asking very nicely" technique.
2. Reports of witchcraft are on the rise, usually on a broom while cackling.
3. The QR code on a bottle of Heinz ketchup is directing customers to a website with 57 varieties of porn.

VIEWJACK:
1. Russia and America are holding Syrian air talks this week. Don't know why they care so much about air pollution, don't they know there's a civil war going on!
2. Angus Deaton won a Nobel prize? I mean I did prefer Have I Got News For You when he presented it but that seems a bit over the top.
3. I'm sick of referendums, we need a referendum on referendums. A referendum to endum-all.