British Comedy Guide

Political wheelchair user, struggling to find...

political wheelchair user, struggling to find the funny punchlines

Been in a wheelchair 31 years. Right from the beginning, I kind of pretended, not sure that's the right word, I wasn't in a wheelchair. I sort of went into denial. And that's not always a bad thing. No depression. Just got on with life, in a very jolly way, determined not to be (the stereotype in my head, 24 years of age) the miserable cripple. Kind of played that role for 31 years. Moaning and complaining, really gets on my nerves. (That's my baggage, not saying I'm right to judge anybody.)

Got into politics, Socialist worker. And then again, one of the great things about being involved in politics like that, was that when you got heavily into discussion with somebody on the street (for example) about politics, the wheelchair would disappear, and you would be engaged with as just another person.

So my whole methodology, persona, and working in anything I did, was to try and avoid being a wheelchair user. (I can move my arms, but thy hands are paralysed, and my triceps don't work. So pretty high level of paralysis) I would do street sales of the newspaper. And I would kind of go into an acting mode. Or maybe just denial again, about my being in a wheelchair. Obviously the wheelchair was give me some advantages, in catching people's ear, sympathy et cetera. But I was very good at stopping people, engaging them, and selling them newspapers. Regularly, in fact most weeks used to sell more than anyone else on the sale.

One of the great ways to get people on your side, to help you, which I obviously need a lot of I am so paralysed, is to be open and friendly, to use humour wherever possible, because if you get people laughing, you get people helping. Could quite easily get 15 or 20 people to help me on the way to a map, Saturday for example. Or help me in some perilous situations. It's funny out someone always turns up.

After several years in socialist worker, I got involved with a group called The Direct Action Network. A group of disabled activists, who gave me a much better understanding of disabled politics. They are quite a radical group, with radical viewpoints of disability, discrimination, and how you oppose it. And it is partially because of them, and partially because I have more independence now that I've ever had, I'm much more likely to deal with the topic of disability. Or if am on a forum like this, mention the fact, where was previously I have been on forums and gone 10 or 15 years without mentioning the fact.

Anyway. I'm doing a six-week comedy workshop, and then I'm doing a stand-up charity event. I've always known writing material was going to be difficult. I want it to be original, but more importantly I wanted to be funny. I am funny all the time with people. And there is nothing I love better than going into a bar, getting talking to so complete strangers, and making them laugh as much as possible. (I also like talking about a lot of serious topics such as quantum physics, history, evolution, virtually anything. With 30 years with nothing better to do, I've been a perpetual student. I have quite a passion for topics. Also think I have slight ADD, but to all to have been diagnosed that at the time.)

My problem is this. I understand, and know where the comedian from Little Britain is coming from, with the depiction of the disabled man. I know where my comedy mentor is coming from, when he says I want you to put this gag in, or that punchline, I know they work in a comedy stereotype way. But, I don't feel comfortable selling my soul, for a five-minute charity gig. (Though after I've done this, I do want to try some open Mike, just for the buzz.)

The two main jokes I'd brought to the table initially were, the first one and the last one. So I kind of open myself up to, making the routine about disability. But that's not really me. I don't really mind that being involved, but I would rather that be an aside to a discussion of things in life are funny, situations in life that are funny, but are common to everyone rather than being specifically about disability.

But I am prepared to buy the bullet, to try and get this gig done, I only have two weeks to go, and then try some open Mike stuff for myself. Could anybody volunteer to help me knock the roughness of this material, and make harder hitting punchlines. My thing is, I don't want to do any humour that undermines disabled people, I want it to be positive. My life has been positive. I've enjoyed it. And there has been so many good things, so many good times, so many good people's, if somebody said to me tomorrow you can go back and be able bodied, I'm not sure I'd want to.

Hi Southport, I am only here today because I saw the leaflet that said, Joe Bloggs I can teach you stand up.

So I've been in a wheelchair for 31 years. This means, and not just a wheelchair user, I now have a second affliction, old man syndrome. (Better punchline)
So sat there the other day with my mate, also wheelchair, and we were talking about the bad in the old days when we couldn't get in a taxi, couldn't get on a bus, and trying to get in the brothel murder.
and we were saying how much easier it is to be in a wheelchair. Travelling to town on the bus , or to the other side world on a plane it's so easy. We have these mobile phones and computers that you can just talk or touch the screen and everything works, easy. We have remote controls for everything. And my mate said, you know what, these people who break their necks today "the lucky bastards". (Obviously done in a Monty Python voice LOL)

So being an old man, I was really shocked few week ago I got really bad ACNE. My first thought is WTH I'm 55! I haven't had acne since Jimmy Savile's girlfriends had acne. (Perhaps a lighter 1970s reference might be more suitable, for the seaside town charity gig.
Now in 55 years, I've never met a man who like squeezing spots, but my unusual life in a wheelchair has brought me into contact with loads of women who love it.
And true to form, the two women, who help me get out of bed in the morning, are like "it's Christmas bonus time". They are literally fighting, to squeeze the spots. (My mentor recommends putting in a line about And I'm not kidding you I am not lying she squeeze the spot and she made a little sinister laugh, got ya.

I have had a very good life. And one of the reasons is my lover of 36 years, and my wife of 30 years, Janet. All bad jokes, bad haircut, n bad shirts, she stood by me. All the issues about disability, she stood by me. All the way through university, and my political career, she stood by me. Any chance of a round of applause, for Janet please ladies and gentlemen?
Yes she has always stood by me, which has raised a few eyebrows when using the pub urinals.

But even though we love Manchester, we fancied a move to a resort town. And it had to be Southport because I have Thalassophobia Does anybody know what that is? I'll tell you. A fear of the sea. So of course, Southport, no problem.
And when I moved here, I did ask a local, a sand grounder, why there is no sea. And he said, ya know the scousers, they'll nick anything. (I'm not even comfortable with this one about Scousers, even though I have distanced it from myself.
. Ok, I'm a Mancunian, it's in the contract.

But then I learned something about Southport that really made the sand grounders my heroes. Remember that sand collecting place on the coastal road? They used to sell sand,,,, to the Arabs.
Id have loved to have been a fly on the wall at that business meeting.

But, before I go, I do have to confess, Southport has had a bad influence on me. I started going in these bottle shops. And the beers are strong.
So I was coming home the other night and I was in a bit of a rush. I'm in WHEELCHAIR And these two coppers pulled me up for drinking while driving! And I don't usually do that, because I spill it.
So I say, come on now man, I'm in a wheelchair, it's not as if I can kill anybody. And then they really started to have a go at me, shouting and going crazy. And I at the time I couldn't work out why, but I suppose with hindsight, I was in the fast lane of the 62. (I don't really like this one. Even the mentors said, because that will create a vivid picture in people's minds, we've all seen these people in a wheelchair going down the motorway, and you will smash it. But that's kind of the problem, it's about laughing at disabled people.)
but then they calmed down a bit, and started asking me questions. They said, anyway, where are you going at 1 o'clock in the morning anyway? I said to a lecture on drugs and alcohol. They said who's giving a lecture on drugs and alcohol at 1 o'clock in the morning? I said my wife. (This joke isn't even original. I have obviously modified it to suit my circumstances. Does that count as original material? Anyway, when I originally told it, on Facebook, to people in Byres, and even to my mail carers, the reason I enjoyed this joke before the stand-up course, was because I could sell it as a real serious gripe, people were buying into my story, and even when I hit my mail carers with the punchline, they were like, so what did you say then? Basically because I'm always going out getting pissed up and telling them funny stories about what has happened. So I'm wondering, as this is stand-up, and I can't hoodwink people in the same way, whether I should just go for the four laughs.

Another admission. I'm really struggling, because where in conversation I can take it to some dark places, like the suggestion I knocked my wife of the ladder while she was painting the ceiling, as a revenge for her kidding me onto this stand-up course, this just comes across as mean and nasty when done to an audience. "I'm only here today because my wife is a bit of a prankster, she told me she got me on the stand-up course. I got my own back, when she was painting the ceiling I accidentally knocked the ladder." (Gesticulating to my electric wheelchair controller, with a big grin on my face. Even now, I find this hilarious, because the reality is I'm nothing like that. My friends and family would get that, because they know me. But an audience wouldn't.) So I'm finding it hard to do what I find funny, or even gauge what is appropriate for a gig/audience.

Anyway, too much waffle. If anybody wants to chip in, thanks. Nothing offends me. None of my objections to the above are because I feel offended. It's not personal with me, it's politics, detached. Thanks again.

Yes you are correct, there is too much waffle.

I don't even understand what this is. Is this your 'stand up' routine?

I'm assuming it is and you want some feedback

So here goes.

Like I said - way too much waffle and nonsense. If you want to make a joke, then go for the joke. Don't f**k about with too much exposition. It needs to be concise and to the point.

Your comedy teacher is a comedy teacher because he doesn't know much. Obviously, you should NOT use your disability as a gimmick. And whatever you do, do not lead with that (or make it the majority of your act either)

As for your act:

I would enjoy you arriving on a stage via a painfully slow electric lift thing and then you make no mention of it. You can make fun of it later but not at first.

then when you do want to bring it up. Go close to the bone but the humour should be more about how people perceive disabled people rather than the fact that you are disabled. You have to show that you are more than a sympathy vote.

You've said some things that are funny but I'm not sure you realised they're worth. Let me show you:

disabled activists - there's jokes there my friend

I love talking about topics me

I got into politics <the left side> so I became a social worker

calling yourself a wheelchair user (will explain in a bit)

So, obviously, it's up to you but if you want to do disabled jokes then just go for it. Here's some disabled jokes I thought of while I was reading your stuff.

I always wanted to do stand up. Well just stand up actually.

I always wanted to do stand up. But I can't normally get on the stage. bastard walking people! With their steps!

To a disabled person: "Well, I guess you have a lot of time to think. You know, while you're not walking."

I don't know why but I love magnets. I just feel attracted to them.

Calling yourself a wheelchair user - there are jokes here because no one really knows the correct pc term and this is a bit too pc (humour wise) - you could extend it to calling yourself things like a wheelchair fan or maybe just a sit downer.

By the way - you can freely use any of what I said

Welcome. I have dyslexia so wanted to welcome someone who doesn't care about spelling - good on ya. But when I saw how many words you used I hid behind the sofa. Which then reminded me I'm late for work, so thanks for that.
Wave

Also

That's just the way I roll.

and something about scrap metal / cyborgs

The only bits that made me smile was the opener about only coming along to be taught to stand-up & the line about your wife standing by you, at the urinal.

As already said above there is far too much chat, but not enough jokes. If that's your style watch Ronnie Corbett for the skits where he's sitting down in his black chair & just talking to see how that can work.

Nothing wrong with making reference or jokes about your wheelchair provided you're comfortable with them. It doesn't need to be nasty or about selling your soul.

Jack Carroll from Britain's Got Talent opened up with the great line "don't worry, I know what you're thinking: Harry Potter's had a nasty Quidditch accident."

You include the part about worrying about not including what you find is funny because of how the audience might take it or perceive you. If you listen to Richard Herring's Leicester Square Theatre Podcasts (RHLSTP) where he chats with comedians something that often comes up is how they eventually stop doing what they hope will be funny & instead focus on what they themselves find funny & only then have success.

I had a quick search for wheelchair jokes, might be something here you like.

-You might remember me from Robot Wars.

-Don't tell me what to do, I hate being pushed around.

-Air hostess on landing always says on landing will those that that require wheelchair assistance please remain seating. That's just cruel.

-Even though I'm in a wheelchair & have to pee sitting down I still put the seat up afterwards to annoy the wife.

-Wheelchairs used to only be for the paralysed, but now they give them out to fat people. That's just not fair, they should get space hoppers so at least we'd get a laugh watching them.

Without question, the best routine I've seen live about disability of any sort was "Lost voice guy" I'd recommend watching some of his videos because he bring a surprising amount of presence and visual comedy considering he's hampered.

His trick is knowing what not to included, so as not to lose the audience. He also uses points of reference like Stephen Hawking for those of us that just have a basic understanding.

Also Ian's point of Jack Carroll (point of reference Harry Potter) I've met Jack Socially and he's just being himself on stage. That's why it works. But he also keeps it simple. I would be very interested in seeing a video of your performance (live or otherwise) whever that happens.

Quote: Nick Nockerty @ 7th October 2015, 12:43 PM BST

Welcome. I have dyslexia so wanted to welcome someone who doesn't care about spelling - good on ya. But when I saw how many words you used I hid behind the sofa. Which then reminded me I'm late for work, so thanks for that.
Wave

Ha, love it.

Speech recognition software.

Quote: Davey Jay @ 6th October 2015, 11:06 PM BST

Yes you are correct, there is too much waffle.

I don't even understand what this is. Is this your 'stand up' routine?

I'm assuming it is and you want some feedback

So here goes.

Like I said - way too much waffle and nonsense. If you want to make a joke, then go for the joke. Don't f**k about with too much exposition. It needs to be concise and to the point.

Your comedy teacher is a comedy teacher because he doesn't know much. Obviously, you should NOT use your disability as a gimmick. And whatever you do, do not lead with that (or make it the majority of your act either)

As for your act:

I would enjoy you arriving on a stage via a painfully slow electric lift thing and then you make no mention of it. You can make fun of it later but not at first.

then when you do want to bring it up. Go close to the bone but the humour should be more about how people perceive disabled people rather than the fact that you are disabled. You have to show that you are more than a sympathy vote.

You've said some things that are funny but I'm not sure you realised they're worth. Let me show you:

disabled activists - there's jokes there my friend

I love talking about topics me

I got into politics <the left side> so I became a social worker

calling yourself a wheelchair user (will explain in a bit)

So, obviously, it's up to you but if you want to do disabled jokes then just go for it. Here's some disabled jokes I thought of while I was reading your stuff.

I always wanted to do stand up. Well just stand up actually.

I always wanted to do stand up. But I can't normally get on the stage. bastard walking people! With their steps!

To a disabled person: "Well, I guess you have a lot of time to think. You know, while you're not walking."

I don't know why but I love magnets. I just feel attracted to them.

Calling yourself a wheelchair user - there are jokes here because no one really knows the correct pc term and this is a bit too pc (humour wise) - you could extend it to calling yourself things like a wheelchair fan or maybe just a sit downer.

By the way - you can freely use any of what I said

I agree with you about the slow entrance et cetera. When I can eventually get my head round writing some decent material, I want to try and do a complete five minutes and not even mention the wheelchair.

only this bit, was my five minutes. Should have made that clearer.

Quote: Tremulous Tetra @ 6th October 2015, 8:02 PM BST

political wheelchair user, struggling to find the funny punchlines

Hi Southport, I am only here today because I saw the leaflet that said, Joe Bloggs I can teach you stand up.

So I've been in a wheelchair for 31 years. This means, and not just a wheelchair user, I now have a second affliction, old man syndrome. (Better punchline)
So sat there the other day with my mate, also wheelchair, and we were talking about the bad in the old days when we couldn't get in a taxi, couldn't get on a bus, and trying to get in the brothel murder.
and we were saying how much easier it is to be in a wheelchair. Travelling to town on the bus , or to the other side world on a plane it's so easy. We have these mobile phones and computers that you can just talk or touch the screen and everything works, easy. We have remote controls for everything. And my mate said, you know what, these people who break their necks today "the lucky bastards". (Obviously done in a Monty Python voice LOL)

So being an old man, I was really shocked few week ago I got really bad ACNE. My first thought is WTH I'm 55! I haven't had acne since Jimmy Savile's girlfriends had acne. (Perhaps a lighter 1970s reference might be more suitable, for the seaside town charity gig.
Now in 55 years, I've never met a man who like squeezing spots, but my unusual life in a wheelchair has brought me into contact with loads of women who love it.
And true to form, the two women, who help me get out of bed in the morning, are like "it's Christmas bonus time". They are literally fighting, to squeeze the spots. (My mentor recommends putting in a line about And I'm not kidding you I am not lying she squeeze the spot and she made a little sinister laugh, got ya.

I have had a very good life. And one of the reasons is my lover of 36 years, and my wife of 30 years, Janet. All bad jokes, bad haircut, n bad shirts, she stood by me. All the issues about disability, she stood by me. All the way through university, and my political career, she stood by me. Any chance of a round of applause, for Janet please ladies and gentlemen?
Yes she has always stood by me, which has raised a few eyebrows when using the pub urinals.

But even though we love Manchester, we fancied a move to a resort town. And it had to be Southport because I have Thalassophobia Does anybody know what that is? I'll tell you. A fear of the sea. So of course, Southport, no problem.
And when I moved here, I did ask a local, a sand grounder, why there is no sea. And he said, ya know the scousers, they'll nick anything. (I'm not even comfortable with this one about Scousers, even though I have distanced it from myself.
. Ok, I'm a Mancunian, it's in the contract.

But then I learned something about Southport that really made the sand grounders my heroes. Remember that sand collecting place on the coastal road? They used to sell sand,,,, to the Arabs.
Id have loved to have been a fly on the wall at that business meeting.

But, before I go, I do have to confess, Southport has had a bad influence on me. I started going in these bottle shops. And the beers are strong.
So I was coming home the other night and I was in a bit of a rush. I'm in WHEELCHAIR And these two coppers pulled me up for drinking while driving! And I don't usually do that, because I spill it.
So I say, come on now man, I'm in a wheelchair, it's not as if I can kill anybody. And then they really started to have a go at me, shouting and going crazy. And I at the time I couldn't work out why, but I suppose with hindsight, I was in the fast lane of the 62. (I don't really like this one. Even the mentors said, because that will create a vivid picture in people's minds, we've all seen these people in a wheelchair going down the motorway, and you will smash it. But that's kind of the problem, it's about laughing at disabled people.)
but then they calmed down a bit, and started asking me questions. They said, anyway, where are you going at 1 o'clock in the morning anyway? I said to a lecture on drugs and alcohol. They said who's giving a lecture on drugs and alcohol at 1 o'clock in the morning? I said my wife. (This joke isn't even original. I have obviously modified it to suit my circumstances. Does that count as original material? Anyway, when I originally told it, on Facebook, to people in Byres, and even to my mail carers, the reason I enjoyed this joke before the stand-up course, was because I could sell it as a real serious gripe, people were buying into my story, and even when I hit my mail carers with the punchline, they were like, so what did you say then? Basically because I'm always going out getting pissed up and telling them funny stories about what has happened. So I'm wondering, as this is stand-up, and I can't hoodwink people in the same way, whether I should just go for the four laughs.

Another admission. I'm really struggling, because where in conversation I can take it to some dark places, like the suggestion I knocked my wife of the ladder while she was painting the ceiling, as a revenge for her kidding me onto this stand-up course, this just comes across as mean and nasty when done to an audience. "I'm only here today because my wife is a bit of a prankster, she told me she got me on the stand-up course. I got my own back, when she was painting the ceiling I accidentally knocked the ladder." (Gesticulating to my electric wheelchair controller, with a big grin on my face. Even now, I find this hilarious, because the reality is I'm nothing like that. My friends and family would get that, because they know me. But an audience wouldn't.) So I'm finding it hard to do what I find funny, or even gauge what is appropriate for a gig/audience.

Anyway, too much waffle. If anybody wants to chip in, thanks. Nothing offends me. None of my objections to the above are because I feel offended. It's not personal with me, it's politics, detached. Thanks again.

that has now morphed into this;

Stand up

hi Southport, I wasn't expecting this when I picked up the leaflet that said, "in six weeks, Joe Bloggs will teach you stand-up.

Do I look the part Southport. What about the shoes, too much? Do you like then Madam? They're 20 years old, can't wear the buggers out.

And it's those little differences between disabled people and able bods, that's what we call you lot, able bods, that I find amusing.

For example, me and my mate who have both been 31 years in the wheelchair, were talking like old men do. But instead of talking about the good old days, we were talking about the bad old days, when you couldn't get in a taxi, couldn't get in a plane, and trying to get in the brothel was murder.

And my mate Jimmy said to me, God! Isn't it so much easier today. Travelling to town on the bus , or to the other side world on a plane it's so easy. We have these mobile phones and computers that you can just talk or touch the screen and everything works, easy. We have remote controls for everything. And Jimmy thought for a while, and then he said "said, you know what, these people who break their necks today "they're lucky bastards".

And it isn't it strange when you get older, the things that happen to you. I would never have believed at 55 I would get ACNE. My first thought was, I haven't had acne since Jimmy Savile was a national treasure.
Now in 55 years, I've never met a man who like squeezing spots, and if I wasn't in a wheelchair I would never have come across the fact that lots of women do.
The other day the two ladies that get me out of bed in the morning were arguing about who could squeeze my spots. Which felt quite good, because I've haven't had two women fighting over me in years.
But I only got the true picture of how much they like it, when one of them squeezes the spot, made a little sinister laugh, and then said "that's better than a Christmas bonus".

Bur,you know what? If somebody said to me "you can go back in time tomorrow, and live your life having not broke your neck." I'm not sure I could say yes. Because I've had a good life. One of the main reasons I had a good life, is my wife, Janet.
All bad jokes, bad haircut, n bad shirts, she stood by me. All the issues about disability, she stood by me. All the way through university, and my political career, she stood by me. Any chance of a round of applause, for Janet please ladies and gentlemen?
Yes she has always stood by me, which has raised a few eyebrows when using the pub urinals.

And even though we'd had a good life, we loved Manchester, my wife and I needed a change. We fancied a move to a resort town. And it had to be Southport because I have Thalassophobia Does anybody know what that is? I'll tell you. A fear of the sea. So of course, Southport, no problem.
So we moved here four years ago, and we've enjoyed every minute. Soon after moving here I learned something about Southport that really made the sand grounders my heroes. Remember that sand collecting place on the coastal road? They used to sell sand,,,, to the Arabs. You can't make that stuff up can you? Id have loved to have been a fly on the wall at that business meeting.

But, before I go, I do have to confess, Southport has had a bad influence on me. I started going in these bottle shops. And the beers are strong.So I was coming home the other night and I was in a bit of a rush. I'm in WHEELCHAIR And these two coppers pulled me up for drinking while driving! And I don't usually do that, because I spill it.
So I say, come on now man, I'm in a wheelchair, it's not as if I can kill anybody. And then they really started to have a go at me, shouting and going crazy. And I at the time I couldn't work out why, but I suppose with hindsight, I was in the fast lane of the 62.

but then they calmed down a bit, and started asking me questions. They said, anyway, where are you going at 1 o'clock in the morning? I said to a lecture on drugs and alcohol. They said who's giving a lecture on drugs and alcohol at 1 o'clock in the morning? I said my wife.

I've moved this thread to Critique for you. :)

Going to tweak it some more now after reading this.

This is a corporate/charity do. So think it needs to be quite mild. But I am interested in taking it further.think you have planted the seed davey, when you pointed out playing with people's perceptions of disability. Particularly political correctness (which was never a solution, and has actually been hijacked by the right wing to control people).

Thanks zooo

Why are you called Tetra? Not ready to be in a box yet?

What's a Political Wheel chair?

Quote: Chappers @ 8th October 2015, 5:28 PM BST

What's a Political Wheel chair?

Jeremy Corbyn ?

Quote: Paul Wimsett @ 8th October 2015, 12:44 PM BST

Why are you called Tetra? Not ready to be in a box yet?

full name explanation

Paraplegic is two limbs, tetraplegic is four limbs paralysed.

Tremulous, because I have in voluntary movements in my, well whole body really. Also knows as spasms.

Is it me, or is it hot in here?

thanks folks for your input. Borrowed some stuff people have suggested. Cut down the number of words, and tried to put more punchlines in. Any more criticism is welcome.

hi Southport, I wasn't expecting this when I picked up the leaflet that said, "in six weeks, Joe Bloggs, will teach you stand-up.

And just before I start, I would like to take this opportunity, to discuss the elephant in the room. No I didn't borrow this shirt off Noel Edmonds. (a few people have asked me in this about this shirt, so it's appropriate.)

Do I look the part Southport. What about the shoes, too much? Do you like them Madam? They're 20 years old, can't wear the buggers out. (a lot of people have commented on these shoes..)

And for those of you in to political correctness, who want the politically correct label for me, it is,,,,,, a Mancunian. Not manc scum. (a lot of Scousers in Southport.)

And it's probably obvious to you now that I do have a major disability, I am,,,,, a Manchester city fan.

And, just in case David Cameron's in, I am genuinely disabled, I'm not just after a free parking space. Yeah, right on comrades. (or alternatively;
And if anybody is a bit confused at this point, I am genuinely disabled, I'm not just after a free parking space.

And I did used to be very angry. I used to be a political wheelchair user, until my wheelchair joined the BNP.

I was on a disability rights demonstration, where everybody was outraged that the coppers had dragged me out of my wheelchair to move me. I thought it was hilarious, the whole point of the wheelchair is to move people.
And the coppers asked me, are you a left-winger, I said no, I'm a centre forward.

But things have moved on, things are a lot better now for people in wheelchairs. At one time you couldn't get in a taxi, couldn't get in a plane, and trying to get in the brothel was murder.
but today is a lot better. Touchscreen, voice recognition, accessible transport, and people's attitudes have changed to make it a much better world for disabled people. And when I think about the people who break their necks today, I think "you lucky bastards".

But, I've had a great life. One of the main reasons I had a good life, is my wife, Janet. All bad jokes, bad haircut, n bad shirts, she stood by me. All the issues about disability, she stood by me. All the way through university, and my political career, she stood by me. Any chance of a round of applause, for Janet please ladies and gentlemen?
Yes she has always stood by me, which has raised a few eyebrows using the pub urinals.

Now I'm getting the disability, everyone gets eventually, getting old. And isn't it strange what happens to you. Why, for example, do I suddenly need hairs growing out of my ears
And the other week, I got really bad ACNE. Weird, I haven't had acne since Jimmy Savile was a national treasure.
But I also learned something. Some women absolutely love spots. I have two carers in the morning that get me up, and I literally had two women fighting over me, for the first time in years.
They were like, "it's my turn" "no it's my turn". But what made me laugh out loud was, as she squeezed the spot, she made this sinister little laugh, and then said "that's better than a Christmas bonus". Seriously?

And even though we loved Manchester, my wife and I needed a change. We fancied a move to a resort town. And it had to be Southport because I have Thalassophobia Does anybody know what that is? I'll tell you. A fear of the sea. So of course, Southport, no problem. (It's a common joke in the North West, that Southport has no sea.)
Soon after moving here I learned something about Southport that really made the sand grounders my heroes. Remember that sand collecting place on the coastal road? They used to sell sand,,,, to the Arabs. (That's like selling punchline? Selling something to somebody that would be equally ridiculous.) You can't make that stuff up can you? Id have loved to have been a fly on the wall at that business meeting.

But, before I go, I do have to confess, Southport has had a bad influence on me. I started going in these bottle shops, with the strong ales. You don't realise how strong they are until you start,,,(trying to work our punchline)
Anyway, I was coming home the other night and I was in a bit of a rush. I'm in WHEELCHAIR And these two coppers pulled me up for drinking while driving! And I don't usually do that, because I spill it.
So I say, come on now man, I'm in a wheelchair, it's not as if I can kill anybody. And then they really started to have a go at me, shouting and going crazy. And to be fair, I was on the M6.

but then they calmed down a bit, and started asking me questions. They said, anyway, where are you going at 1 o'clock in the morning? I said to a lecture on drugs and alcohol. They said who's giving a lecture on drugs and alcohol at 1 o'clock in the morning? I said my wife.

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