scratchyr
Sunday 27th September 2015 2:59pm
southend on sea
1,518 posts
INT. DOCTOR'S OFFICE. DAY.
A PATIENT and the DOCTOR are sat at his desk.
DOCTOR:
I've got the results back, bad news I'm afraid. your laughter is in decline.
The DOCTOR puts on Groucho glasses and moustache, and blows a party whistle. The PATIENT sits stoney faced.
DOCTOR: (CONT)
And it's degenerative.
PATIENT:
Are you sure you have the right results? I chuckled at someone walking into a lamp post just this morning.
DOCTOR:
Schadenfreude is highly resilient but as the condition takes hold you'll find laughing to be more difficult, less frequent.
PATIENT:
Is there anything I can do to prolong what laughter I have left.
DOCTOR:
Consider changing your diet.
PATIENT:
I already eat plenty of fresh fruit and vegetables.
DOCTOR:
But are they shaped like a man with a big nose? Try to stick to humourously shaped root vegetables.
PATIENT:
I suppose I could use two kiwis and a banana to make penis and testicles.
DOCTOR:
It seems you've already lost your ability to laugh at medical terms for genitals.
Try saying cock and balls next time.
PATEINT:
(chuckles) Cock and balls.
DOCTOR:
Excellent. Also it may be beneficial to make some changes to your lifestyle.
PATIENT:
I do spend a lot of time outdoors and get plenty of exercise.
DOCTOR:
Spend more time sitting down in front of the computer. I recommend viewing foreign products with funny names in English.
PATIENT:
Like Peter the biscuit?
DOCTOR:
No, for example a soup named Shitto, a chocolate bar called Wankle, or maybe a shop sign saying Piss Hats.
PATIENT:
Very funny as they are, what happens if the worse comes to the worse? Are there any other, riskier options?
DOCTOR:
There is some pioneering treatment. A drug that can re-create the outwardly signs of laughter.
PATIENT:
What about side effects?
DOCTOR:
There is a fair chance you will end up sounding like a fawning employee,a television presenter interviewing an impressionist, or a member of the royal family at a variety performance.
PATIENT:
No, when it goes, I want it to go with dignity.
END.
