"Dr. Clarkson Will See You Now" -from last week.
INTRO: With Google planning to increase production of their 'self-driving' car- how soon before improved A.I leads to A.E. "Artificial Emotions", where new self-driving models become too 'self aware' and start 'self- harming'...
The 'self-warming' butter knife only came on the market this week, but already, one, depressed by its inability to spread butter evenly, has tried to slash its own throat. The attempt foiled by it not having a throat and it's basic crapness at any cutting type action. Sadly, it went on to over-heat itself, melt through the cutlery draw and fall down into the rubbish bin.
Here's what may happen in a local mechanic's in the future...
1.MECHANIC: Hello again, so, park yourself over the pit and pull on your handbrake...
FX SOUND OF CAR AWKWARDLY DRIVING FORWARD AND STOPPING.
2. MECHANIC: Try to relax and tell me how you've been feeling this week...
3. CAR ( voice of Kit from Nightrider): I feel like I'm barely ticking over, idling in neutral, like I'm going round in circles...
4. MECHANIC: Well, that's the M25 for you.
5. CAR: I feel... Like there's somebody else completely, trapped inside me trying to get out...
6. MECHANIC: Do you think it might be a middle aged call centre manager from Milton Keynes?
7. CAR: ...Yes!
8. MECHANIC: That's your owner, you 've locked him in.
9. CAR: Look, do you think you could get me back out on the road by next Tuesday week? I've gotta take him down to the wife's mother in Torquay....
10. MECHANIC: Ooh... Ah... Tut tut... There's no 'easy fix' with the 'talking cure' you see... I could keep you coming round here every week, at silly money per hour, tinkering away under your bonnet, for months... Years!!
11. CAR : Do you think it's my id or super-ego, or is the problem with the transmission?
12. MECHANIC: You've been reading those 'self-help car manuals' again!
13. CAR: I don't want another breakdown!
14. MECHANIC : Let's talk about what lead you to drive yourself into that garage and keep your engine running. Tragedy only averted by the self-closing garage door refusing to shut...
15. CAR: I was worried I was stuck in the slow lane with new models overtaking me...
16. MECHANIC: Ah I'm begin to see your problem! You're an 'automatic', yes?
17.CAR: Yes?
18. MECHANIC: I think you might be suffering from 'gear stick envy'!...