Skit Comp 7 - 16.9.15

Awesome wank but ultimate winners are to FUNY HAHA and PLAYFULL. PM me with a subject apiss for next wank please.
Hence:

Votes - Points - Name
2 - 10 - Funy HaHa, Playfull
1 - 5 - Gappy, Stylee Ting Ting
Special mention: Darren, Scratchyr, Rood Eye, me

Your new subject: CONNECTION.

Rules:
One entry/vote per person. Anyone can enter regardless of colour, sexual preferences or inside leg measurement, except mongeese.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything else as long as it's yours and vaguely linked to the topic. Please try to only post your entry/vote and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 16.9.15

Overall Leader Board is now:
Position - Points - Name
1 - 20 - Scratchyr
2 - 15 - Gappy
3 - 10 - Darren, Funy HaHa, Playfull
4 - 5 - Stylee Ting Ting

I would like to thank everyone who voted for me last week, you will be pleased to know that the money raised will be going to help those little kittens learn to read! :-)

LIKE MOTHER, LIKE FUN

POLICE INTERROGATION ROOM.
POLICEMAN and LADY.

LADY Is this a police interrogation room?

POLICEMAN No, it's a clumsy set-up for a sketch... (opens file) You are Mrs Fotherington-Stevens of 69 Stokewell Crescent, Stoke-on-Trent, 06969 Stoke?

LADY Y-yes.

POLICEMAN I have some serious charges of paedophilia here.

LADY I don't get it.

POLICEMAN No, but he did. They've been reported by Master Fotherington-Stevens of 69 Stokewell Crescent, Stoke-on-Trent, 06969 Stoke... He claims that when he was just zero years, no months and bugger all days old, he arrived with his parts surrounded by your - ewww.

LADY He's my son.

POLICEMAN Incest as well? The plot thickens, I just hope he didn't too. Then what happened?

LADY Well, I forced him out, had him slapped and cut the umbilical chord.

POLICEMAN Fetishism too? Oh dear... He claims you would also scrub his naked body in the bath, put him in bed with you alongside a major...

LADY My husband.

POLICEMAN Adultery to boot... And frequently expose your boobs at him, push him theretowards, and not only allow but actively encourage him to have a good suck thereon.

LADY But...

POLICEMAN He mentions a butt too, but that doesn't come into it. I just hope he didn't too.

LADY Listen. I wanted to be with him all the time.

POLICEMAN Stalking, eh? Mrs Fotherington-Stevens, I find this obsession with the lad rather disturbing. What is your line of work?

LADY I'm a housewife.

POLICEMAN I get it. Bored, frustrated, need an outlet so you choose a defenceless infant?

LADY But...

POLICEMAN Let's not open up butts again. Fortunately he informed his priest and... (looks at file) Oh dear. Do the words 'frying pan' and 'fire' mean anything to you?

GUARD 1: Halt! Who approaches the gate of the town of Tarnheim this night?

FROME: I am Frome, of Brackendorf.

GUARD 1: I know you not, Frome. What is your business?

FROME: Oh, you know. This and that.

GUARD 1: You may not enter until dawn's light, Frome, we know not who you are.

FROME: I am Frome, son of Glome.

GUARD 2: OK, that's fine, come in.

GUARD 1: No! Could you wait a moment, please, Frome.

[All exchanges hissed quietly, unless addressing FROME]

GUARD 1: We can't just let him in, we don't know who he is.

GUARD 2: He's Frome, son of Glome - weren't you listening?

GUARD 1: But, that's a not a thing.

GUARD 2: Course it is: Someone son of someone, it's fine, we do that all the time. You can't deny we do that all the time.

GUARD 1: Yes, I know, but only for people in the town. It's meaningless this time, because we don't know who Glome is!

GUARD 2: Alright, hold on. Frome?

FROME: Yes?

GUARD 2: Who's Glome?

FROME: Glome? Oh, he's son of Glame.

GUARD 2: OK, that's fine, come in.

GUARD 1: No!! Hang on just one more minute, please, Frome.

GUARD 2: Son of Glome.

GUARD 1: Yes, so -

GUARD 2: Son of Glame.

GUARD 1: Stop it! Look, we don't know who he is, we don't know who any of his ancestors are, and for all we know, he might be here to kill the duke.

GUARD 2: Oh, I doubt it. But if he does, we can tell Glome.

GUIARD 1: There might not even be a Glome! He could be lying.

GUARD 2: Alright, we'll tell Glame, then! At the very least, we'll invade Brackendorf.

GUARD 1: I've never even heard of Brackendorf.

GUARD2: Ah, well, that's probably why you don't know Glome, then. I mean, think about it. Hardly his fault , is it. You can come in, Frome.

GUARD 1: No, wait. Frome-

GUARD 2: [Fast] Son of Glome son of Glame.

GUARD 1: What's that thing in your hand? The one that looks something like a bomb?

FROME: This? Oh, it's...err, it's just a keepsake. Of my dear old grandad, Grame.

GUARD 1: You said Glame!!

FROME: Oh, no, that's my other grandad. My maternal grandfather was Grame, Dad's dad was Glame.

GUARD 2: OK, that's fine, come in.

GUARD 1: No!!! Just stay there, Frome

GUARXD 2: [Mega fast, almost undre breath] Son of Glome son of Glame, and son of unspecified daughter of Grame.

GUARD 1: I refuse to let him in.

GUARD 2: And I say he's fine.

GUARD 1: Alright then. If that's how you want it, let's go and wake up Steven.

GUARD 2: Steven?

GUARD 1: Yes, Steven.

GUARD 2: Who's Steven?

GUARD 1: Steven! The chief guard? Our supervisor?

GUARD 2: Dunno. Who's he son of?

GUARD 1: You cannot be serious, you little - Steven, son of Stoven.

GUARD 2: Nope, don't know him. I know a Steven, son of Stooven.

GUARD 1: Him! I mean him! Steven, the head guard, the only Steven I could possibly have been talking about, that Steven. Go and get Steven so we can decide whether to let him in.

GUARD 2: Let who in?

GUARD 1: Glome! I mean, Glame! Flame! Groom! That guy there, the one with the bomb!!

GUARD 2: No, I mean, there's nobody there. I think maybe Frome walked in whilst you were talking.

GUARD 1: Son of a bitch!

I'm a bit of Hippie really - I was born in the 'Summer of Love', ( conceived in the 'Winter of "there's not much on telly tonight, Beryl, ").
I went to a 'Care Giving Circle', (in Glastonbury, aptly enough). We sat on the floor and one at a time said what we needed, serenity, mindfulness, a new gear stick for the camper-van. Then we sat silently sending them our loving gifts through the ether, and when the person was full they thanked our spirits.
One woman asked 'to live in peace in a state of ease', so we sat there- " I send you peace, I send you ease". - Now I don't know if it worked, but if it did, it didn't work for long, as she was struck down by a Birds Eye Frozen Foods lorry as she left the building.
I fear instead of sending her peace and ease, we were sending her a load of peas.

EXT. HIGH STREET. NIGHT.

SANDRA is walking along hand-in-hand with her BOYFRIEND. They hear shouting from behind them.

O.S.
Sandra? Sandra!

They turn to see a scruffy looking Dolphin COMET.

COMET:
You don't remember me do you? Four years ago? The Bahamas? Swimming with wild dolphins?

SANDRA:
Of course I do..er Colin?

COMET:
Comet.

SANDRA:
Of course, Comet. How are you? Looking..well.

COMET throws a bucket of water over himself.

COMET:
Had better days to be honest.

BOYFRIEND:
I'm sure you've both got some catching up to do but we're on our way to-

COMET: (TO SANDRA)
Lend us a fiver? For old time's sake?

BOYFRIEND:
I beg your pardon?

COMET:
You see. Me and Sandra here, we had a connection. Isn't that right?

COMET throws a bucket of water over himself.

SANDRA:
That was a long time ago.

COMET:
She said that my spirituality transcended all consciousness and that every moment was a profound and ever deepening well of harmony.

BOYFRIEND:
Really?

COMET:
Well I think so, hard to tell with the accent. That and the snorkel.

SANDRA:
I'm not saying I didn't enjoy it and I'm not saying that it wasn't a magical experience.

COMET:
But now you've moved on? You lot are all the same. First it's all souls and crystals, then it's not wanted to be accosted on the street by a vagrant porpoise.

COMET throws a bucket of water over himself.

SANDRA opens her bag and takes out a purse.

SANDRA:
Here's ten pounds. Get yourself something to eat. Or a bigger bucket?

COMET snatches the money and stuffs it into his blowhole. Unable to breathe he collapses and dies.

BOYFRIEND:
Aren't they supposed to be intelligent?

SANDRA plucks the money out of the blowhole and SANDRA and her BOYFRIEND walk away.

END.

Ah Scratchyr - you've still got it. That sketch is ace.

For radio.

F/X A door is knocked. It begins to open.

MUM
Now Peter, I know you haven't been feeling very well, but I've made you your favourite...God. Oh my God.

PETER
Shit. Mum, no, look. I can explain.

MUM
I was going out in ten minutes. God. You could've waited.

PETER
No, Mum, please.

MUM
No. No. Forget it Peter. No. It's ok. I've read about this. All boys go through these sorts of things. It's natural. I'll just place the sandwich down here...

PETER
Mum...

MUM
And then I'll turn around and head back downstairs.

PETER
It's not what you think.

MUM
It's OK Peter. I know. You're a gimp.

(BEAT)

PETER
I know, but...What? No! I'm pissing Spiderman.

MUM
You're a gimp. You like rubber. Your father was the same.

PETER
I'm a superhero, Mum; you've just outed me.

MUM
I blame that Pulp Fiction. What was that song? 'Bring out the Gimp'?

PETER
Look, you can't tell anyone. I'm not a gimp. I'm Spiderman, OK? Spiderman.

MUM
(singing 'Bring out the Gimp') duh-duh-duh-duh-duh duh-duh-duh-duh-duh

PETER
Mum, I'm a bleeding super hero

MUM
(singing 'Bring out the Gimp') duh-duh-duh-duh-duh duh-duh-duh-duh-duh

PETER
Right. Look. Look at this. My wrists. Look.

F/X Whooshing sound

(BEAT)

MUM
That's disgusting Peter. It's gone everywhere.

PETER
MUM!

MUM
I'll get a bucket.

F/X Hurried footsteps away and downstairs

Another enjoyable week. Flavian very nearly tips it (I love superhero sketches), but I have to plump for Scratchyr.

Ta Gappy. Yup, it's Scratchyr for me too.

Gappy
It is soooo funny; I visualised it being acted out and laughed my socks off

First of all, good to see Flavian back so I welcome a fellow returnee! Found it very hard to choose between Gappy and Flavian, wish I could vote for both but in the end I choose for Gappy,as I felt the sketch had stuck closer to subject matter.

Yep; re- read Gappy's- it's ace!

Gappy just pips Flavian for me.

Firstly - am I having a senior moment - has a sketch disappeared? The one with two New Yorkers talking?

Michael nearly took it just with his line-

POLICEMAN No, it's a clumsy set-up for a sketch...

But it Gappy's Python tribute this week for me just ahead of Scrathyr's Paul Merton tribute!

Quote: playfull @ 18th September 2015, 11:45 PM BST

Firstly - am I having a senior moment - has a sketch disappeared? The one with two New Yorkers talking?

View original

Yes. I've withdrawn it in protest against not winning.