GlauberBerti - Ta, I'll try not to challenge the audience so much in future 
Love the first of the breaking news, made me giggle.
The Colin Fry viewsjack is a corker as well.
Newsjack rejects - please critique Page 2
Glauber Berti
Breaking news #1 and View Jacks #1 are the best. View jack #3 didn't work for me.
I see the poles are ahead of the game when it comes to the immigration crisis. Last week we had the Czech's saying that no immigrants want to come to their country and this week the poles are saying they are introducing Czech's at their border. That's right, make them think they have turned up at the wrong country!
Here's what I sent in, I realise now they are a bit long.
Breaking News
Monoliths found at Stone Henge:
1. Calm reporter: Earlier this month several ancient neolithic rock monoliths were found buried near stone henge, and immediately booked in to headline Glastonbury 2016.
2. Monolith(stony voice): We haven't been touring since the Viking raids, but are looking forward to getting back on the road. Obviously the advent of metal made it harder for the stone band to get weathering in the scene.
Parasitic Lampreys return to Yorkshire rivers:
3. Reporter: It was today announced by soil ecologists that ancient bloodsucking parasitic lampreys had returned to riverbeds across the UK. That's enough politics for today and now onto environmental news. It was today announced by soil ecologists that ancient bloodsucking parasitic lampreys had returned to Yorkshire riverbeds across the UK.
Migrant crisis:
4. GRAM: Blowing wind and rain
5. Field journalist: Today the English government agreed to take on thousands more migrants. I'm here at the Anglo-Scottish border as migrants fleeing the war against cholestorol are literally flooding over Hadrian's Wall.
Viewjack
Banksy's Dismaland
6. Hipster: I just thought Dismaland was just soooo coool I mean such imagination displayed in the title alone. Like Dis-ma-land it's meant to sound like Disney Land but like dismal you know what I mean ? Its okay if you don't get it, it took me a while too! I mean what better way is there to combat the discontents and lack of opportunity for all in modern Britain than setting up an art exhibit and making tickets super exclusive? Everyone loves a queue.
Corbyn/Kanye - mania :
7. Reporter: How do you feel about Corbyn being Prime Minister?
8. Memer of public: I'm not entirely sure I would want a college dropout to be the president of this country.
Child arrested for Snapchat photos of self :
9. Male public: After hearing about how that teenager was arrested for taking naked selfies I've half a mind to phone the Ministry of Affairs about this naked man I see in the mirror every morning.
I like the Stonehenge one.
Hi, this is my first post on here so not sure of the conventions, but this is a sketch I put into Newsjack last week, any thoughts welcome. I'm aware it's a bit long and can now see places I should have cut or tightened, but was writing it a bit last minute for their deadline. Cheers.
EASEL TIME
NISH: A new study suggests that the more time children spend on computer games, the internet or watching TV, the more their GCSE grades suffer. These concerns about children's leisure time are nothing new, in fact we've dug into the archives and found the results of a similar investigation conducted during the Renaissance.
GRAMS: NEWSNIGHT/BBC NEWS THEME PLAYED ON LUTE ETC
EMILY DI MAITLISS: I'm here in Florence, investigating findings from the University of Padua that children's learning suffers when they spend too much time painting. I met up with a young man called Leonardo, who spent his childhood as what's known as an 'easel addict'.
LEONARDO: When I was growing up, painting was the new thing. Suddenly pictures had gone from these blocky, blobby things of twenty years ago to these rich, textured new worlds. It was as good as reality - better than reality, because you could draw a world where the good guys would always win and no-one died of plague. I got completely lost in it - I'd skip school to paint, then at night I'd sneak out of my bed and back to the easel.
EMILY: And how did it affect your education?
LEONARDO: I left school without any qualifications, barely any Latin or grammar and only a bit of Bible studies. It's all very well being good at drawing, but what use is that in the adult world? Who buys paintings nowadays? I feel like I wasted my youth...
7. EMILY: Lorenzo de Crusti is Professor of Modernity, Child Development and Instilling the Fear Of God at Padua University. He thinks the trend for more and more easel time is not just ruining education, but is warping children's minds...
LORENZO: You only have to look at the content of these paintings. It's glamorising war, battles and death. Some of these boys (and I'm afraid it is mainly the boys) spend days and days doodling hypothetical war machines that could cause horrific destruction. Growing up with this level of violence being normalised must be having an impact on the levels of war and pillaging we're currently seeing across Europe.
EMILY: And what about the impact on emotional development?
LORENZO: Well, these paintings and the characters in them represent an unobtainable perfection that warps children's understanding of beauty. All the buboes and boils are airbrushed out, no-one's got leprosy, and the artist makes people look plumper so you can't tell they're starving to death. And the sexual content is the most disturbing element of this. At a time when children are developing their understanding of sexuality, can it possibly be healthy to spend all day looking at a medium where a supernatural being is depicted raping a woman while disguised as a swan??...
EMILY: I'm here with a little boy who's painting now, what's your name?
MICHELANGELO: Michelangelo.
EMILY: And how much time do you spend a day painting, Michelangelo?
MICHELANGELO: All the time! All my friends love painting, we started last year and now we never stop! We don't even go to school any more!
EMILY: And what are you painting there Michelangelo?
MICHELANGELO: Naked men! Lots and lots of naked men with their willies out!
EMILY: I've got Michelangelo's father here. Mr Buonarroti, what do you think of your son's obsession?
MR B: I can't make head nor tail of it. Time was when children would learn a proper trade. Market trading, or muck-shovelling, or learning how to stab someone from a rival village with a spear. Now it's all this virtual nonsense...
EMILY: According to Lorenzo and his colleagues at Padua, a new threat is on the horizon. Advances in sculpture mean that the fantasies of the children of today may not be confined to the easel. Rather than merely being distracted by two-dimensional pictures on a screen, children will be able to fully interact with realistic 3D representations of life. It's all just one more thing for parents to worry about. Now, back to you in the throne room.
END
very nice idea - linking Renaissance realism/perspective with virtual reality, and treating art themes, such as violence and nudity, like computer game themes - but it's a wee bit slow to move along.
To be honest, I think it would be better as a stand-alone sketch, without the Newsjack intro, not tied to a specific piece of news.
@gappy
Thanks very much, appreciate the feedback. Good idea re taking it away from the topical hook, if I rewrite and punch it up a bit I might still be able to use it elsewhere. Cheers!
Quote: AndyGilder @ 10th September 2015, 7:49 PM BSTVIEWSJACK:
1. Went to that Dismaland yesterday. Really enjoyed it, which was a shame.
Loved this, could imagine it fitting in well with the tone of the show.
Quote: dtmcc @ 15th September 2015, 5:34 PM BSTLoved this, could imagine it fitting in well with the tone of the show.
Yes, I liked that, too.
Yep - definitely a fan of the Dismaland one - good work!
Ta folks. Had high hopes for that one, but alas no joy.
These are the one liners I tried this week fully appreciative of harsh criticism!
Corbyn names front bench:
1. Jeremy Corbyn names his front bench... Brian. He named the bench Brian.
Corbyn's ex-wives criticism:
2. Jeremy Corbyn's ex-wives tell of outrage over lack of women on top positions.
Elton John meets Putin:
3. Elton John to meet with Putin in what commentators are calling a "meeting of the bears."
VIEWJACK:
1. Fidel Castro could really benefit from the Pope's visit, it's about time Castro's views could do with some updating from a modern thinker.
2. I'm excited about how the Pub Loan Fund give me the twelve steps I need to control the alcohol in my life, by running my local.
3. After hearing about that woman with a diamond in her gut I'm worried the man from Wonga will find my heart of gold.
No luck for me this week unfortunately!
News
The world's most famous plumber, Super Mario, turned 30 this week. His creators are proud of how far his career has come since it started as just a pipe dream.
US lawmakers have called on the NFL to pay its cheerleaders a fair wage. When asked for comment, they replied, "give us a W! Give us an A! Give us a G! Give us an E!"
Jeremy Corbyn's Labour leadership victory came despite Tony Blair's warning that he represented "Alice in Wonderland" politics. As a gesture of goodwill, Corbyn sent Blair a cake marked "Eat Me".
This year's El Nino, a weather phenomenon in the Pacific, looks set to be the strongest in history. This is apparently linked to the collective sigh of relief from Australians realising that Tony Abbott is no longer their prime minister.
Elton John requested a meeting with Vladimir Putin to discuss LGBT rights in Russia. Putin declined, adding, I hope you don't mind, I hope you don't mind.
Viewsjack
I've been told that the Bank of England is planning to raise interest rates if it turns out that the strong pound doesn't hold down inflation. That kind of thinking is going to send everyday Britons like me straight to Google.
Quote: fishsauce @ 17th September 2015, 9:44 PM BSTNo luck for me this week unfortunately!
The world's most famous plumber, Super Mario, turned 30 this week. His creators are proud of how far his career has come since it started as just a pipe dream.
US lawmakers have called on the NFL to pay its cheerleaders a fair wage. When asked for comment, they replied, "give us a W! Give us an A! Give us a G! Give us an E!"
This year's El Nino, a weather phenomenon in the Pacific, looks set to be the strongest in history. This is apparently linked to the collective sigh of relief from Australians realising that Tony Abbott is no longer their prime minister.
I liked these, the Super Mario one was funniest.
Quote: fishsauce @ 17th September 2015, 9:44 PM BSTElton John requested a meeting with Vladimir Putin to discuss LGBT rights in Russia. Putin declined, adding, I hope you don't mind, I hope you don't mind.
Jeremy Corbyn's Labour leadership victory came despite Tony Blair's warning that he represented "Alice in Wonderland" politics. As a gesture of goodwill, Corbyn sent Blair a cake marked "Eat Me".
I've been told that the Bank of England is planning to raise interest rates if it turns out that the strong pound doesn't hold down inflation. That kind of thinking is going to send everyday Britons like me straight to Google.
I didn't get these.