I will be honest, my oneliners stunk but its my first go and I think they were too long. Never mind.
1. The world was shocked today to find out that Donald Trump is actually a fictional character played by Adam Sandler in a wig and fat suit, for his next film about an ignorant business man with more money than sense who has ambitions of becoming the next president. I can't wait to see that film coming out next November.
2. Today the prime minister issued a dire warning about swarms of people entering our country and changing our lives. Swarms of hipsters have been seen gentrifying parts of the greater London area, the prime minister continued that the world doesn't need more people who are thicker than their glasses and make tasteless craft beer that will go undrunk in cherry oak casks.
3. Social media has been in a storm today, as it turns out that members of the public are mistreating a wax work dummy and taking inappropriate pictures. The police have issued a statement stating that when you see the prime minister on holiday, wearing his fit flops please leave him and his family alone.