Here's a section of my first shot at script.
https://scripthingblog.wordpress.com/university-1/
Any tips, notes, and criticisms would be very helpful!
Thanks in advance.
P.S, Apologies for the way some of it is laid out, had to manually alter it after I copied and pasted it in.
P.P.S, Should also mention it's in the style of a mockumentary.
P.P.P.S, What does PS stand for?
Post Script.
I might be able to answer your other questions if I get a chance ot read it (ie, post-script).
INT. PHIL'S BEDROOM, EARLY MORNING.
PHIL is a lanky, brown haired boy. He struggles is very awkward, and struggles in social situations.
We are in Phil's bedroom. It's a small, classic teenage boys bedroom, with football posters on the walls.
The INTERVIEWER is a well spoken man, with a southern / midlands accent.
PHIL is stood smiling with his University of Manchester conformation held up near his face.
HE STANDS THERE, STARING DIRECTLY IN TO THE CAMERA, FOR AROUND SEVEN SECONDS.
PHIL Have you took the picture yet?
INTERVIEWER No no, we're filming now.
PHIL
Oh.
PHIL is finishing packing up his suitcase, which is on the bottom of his bed.
NARRATOR Phil Brown, an 18 year old boy from Bolton, is heading off to the prestigious University of Manchester.
INTERVIEWER So Phil, are you looking forward to Freshers week then?
PHIL Yeah I'm just finishing packing now. Got my DVDs.
THE CAMERA ZOOMS IN TO PHIL, WHO IS SMILING AND HOLDING A "CLICK" DVD.
He puts it in to his suitcase on top of his clothes, next to Garfield the movie and Mrs Doubtfire.
PHIL I like me films, me. Help me escape reality.
PHIL Oops, can't forge this one. (laughing slightly)
PHIL picks up the remaining DVD left out on his bed and puts Legally Blonde 2 in the suitcase next to the other DVDs, zips it up and leaves the room with it.
EXT. DRIVEWAY OF PHIL'S HOUSE, EARLY MORNING.
Phil is putting his suitcase in the back of his MUM's car.
MUM is talking to the INTERVIEWER
THE CAMERA IS FILMING HER.
MUM I'm very proud that my boys going to University. First one in the family! We know he's gonna-
MUM is interrupted by PHIL struggling to get his suitcase in the the small boot. PHIL pulls it out to try again and the lid of his suitcase flies open. Monopoly falls out and the lid comes off. Cards and Monopoly money fly across the driveway, being blown away by the wind.
PHIL Shit my Monopoly!
PHIL is running around the driveway, half crouched down, picking up the various Monopoly pieces. MUM joins in.
INT. MUM'S CAR, EARLY MORNING.
Mum is driving the car, and PHIL and the CAMERAMAN are sitting the backseats. The INTERVIEWER is sitting the passenger seat.
PHIL is playing Angry Birds on his phone.
PHIL SHOWS HIS PHONE TO THE CAMERA, SMILING.
PHIL New record.
THE CAMERA ADJUSTS ITS FOCUS AND FILMS THE PHONE CLEARLY
PHIL Twenny nine. (Smugly)
MUM parks the car in the car park, near the student accommodation.
EXT. UNIVERSITY CAR PARK, DAY.
THE CAMERA PANS THE OLD, BEAUTIFUL UNIVERSITY.
NARRATOR The University of Manchester is one of the best in the country. The university has created twenty five Nobel Prize winners. Phil is doing a three year course in Drama.
THE CAMERA SHOWS PHIL CARRYING HIS SUIT CASE IN ONE HAND, DESPITE THE FACT IT HAS WHEELS.
INTERVIEWER Phil, your suitcase has wheels.
PHIL I know. My dad always said "Wheels are for f**king pussies. If you use the wheels, you should just f**king kill yourself" (Smiling, recalling his dad's advice)
EXT. PAVEMENT, DAY.
PHIL walks along the pavement next to MUM.
THE CAMERAMAN WALKS SOME DISTANCE BEHIND.
PHIL is visibly struggling to carry his suitcase. He swaps it to his other hand and carries on.
EXT. DIFFERENT PAVEMENT, DAY.
PHIL is now visibly struggling to carry the suitcase with his other hand too. He swaps back to his first hand, but starts to struggle again within a few seconds. He lies the suitcase down on its side on the pavement, then kicks it forwards. MUM puts his hand on him and stops him. PHIL picks up the suitcase with his first hand, picks it up and jumps it in front of him. He continues to walk along the pavement, repeating the process.
EXT/INT. DOOR TO STUDENT ACCOMMODATION, DAY.
PHIL and MUM are walking towards the doors of the student accommodation building.
THE CAMERA ZOOMS IN ON MUM WHEELING THE SUITCASE.
PHIL types in the code to the building, opens the door and walks inside.
INT. STUDENT ACCOMMODATION BUILDING, DAY.
The walls are a very plain beige colour, and the building is very basic.
PHIL Okay mum you can go now I know where my room is.
MUM Alright, have fun. Love you
PHIL
Bye mum.
PHIL is resting one knee on his suitcase, which has its wheels out. He is pushing along with his other leg, like a scooter. He is resting his hands on the front of the suitcase and controlling its direction.
PHIL Seriously, where the f**k is my room. It said I was in room E6 on the letter I got. What the f**k does E mean? Cos' it's not f**king east. (frantically and stressed out)
INTERVIEWER Phil, Phil. You just went past it.
PHIL looks back at the INTERVIEWER and looks to the side, where his room is. He struggles to turn the suitcase scooter around in the tight corridor, but eventually gets it around. He rolls towards his room's door.
INT. DOOR TO PHIL'S UNIVERSITY ROOM, DAY.
The door is thin and painted dark blue. The paint is faded and chipped in places. E6 is stuck on the door. PHIL opens the door and walks inside.
INT. PHIL'S UNIVERSITY ROOM, DAY.
The room is fairly small and very plain. There's a bed, with a small dresser to the side of it, in the far side of the room, and an empty desk against the wall with a flimsy computer chair in front of it. There's an almost-empty bottle of Rubicon left on the bed, lying in the sun.
PHIL
Rubicon. (Picks up the bottle and shows the camera)
PHIL This must be a welcome gift. Like when hotels put a chocolate on your pillow. I've never been to a hotel that posh, but apparently they're real... And they put chocolates on your pillow. (Nods to camera as he says "And they put chocolates on your pillow.")
PHIL drinks the remains of the bottle and turns his nose up a little.
PHIL
Warm.
Ok first of all you seem to have a really interesting idea buried in there.
The moc-doc where we see and are aware of the crew.
But so far the jokes are few and far between, its over narrated and not just by the narrater.
I'd give the characters a little more independent life and relationship with each other.
And I'd build a lot more humour in.
Also why is someone making a documentary about an ordinary student? You're missing a great joke there.
Sooty is right (this is not unusual).
Liking slightly rubbish films ar doing badly* on a computer game are not particularly funny things. Also, the swearing is very jarring.
But it has a kind of a feel that is likable, so there mayb be something in there. You just need to come up with some fuinnier & miore intriguing situations.
*I presume
Yep swearing is a no no
And you're not in love with your characters yet.
Thank you very much guys!
I liked it, but there's no need for both interviewer and narrator - why not combine them in one person? Agree that there should be a reason for Phil being filmed, this could be explained at the beginning by the interviewer/narrator. I like the welcome gift idea.
Thank you very much, I'll take your ideas on board
Hello.
I like the idea of combining the interviewer into the narrator. So it's just a narrator, he's slightly sarcastic but not over done.
Maybe like the narrator from bad robots
Then you need a more defined character and reason for being the subject of a documentary
Here's a suggestion of how you could start:
NARRATOR
This is Philip. Philip is lanky
Then Philip bangs his head on something
NARRATOR
He's excited today. Today is the day he goes to university
Philip rubs his head and chucks a crappy looking letter into his suitcase that reads "polytechnic of stockport"
I will stop here because everything is up to you. So it depends on how you want the characters / tone etc etc to be and develop.
Most of what you wrote isn't funny. It isn't funny if someone goes to a good uni like Manchester. Unless you have ideas you haven't mentioned but you need tragedy for it to be funny so give him a shit uni. Give him a shit life.
In novel writing the standard advice is to put your character in difficult situations and then make them more difficult. Then they can overcome it and be a hero and learn and all that shit. If you are writing comedy you put them in a difficult situation and then just make it worse. They f**k it up. Just ruin his life. And when he's down, kick him and stand on him. Sit on him and laugh at him.
And that's what comedy is.
PS: I'm really drunk right now so all of the above could be utter nonsense
I've wrote down everyone's tips, thank you all loads!
If you are writing down tips - I usually tip 10% but will go 15% for very good service.