Newsjack rejects - please critique

1)
Miles - Walking like an Egyptian was once the acceptable face of racism but now it's more like dragging your bloody stumps out of Tahrir Square. I'm not one to belittle a countrys' woes but I did write a good joke about it. Knock knock. Whos there? Hosni Mubarak. Why are you still here? I don't want to leave the country in chaos. But your presence is the very reason for the aforementioned chaos. Erm ahhh got you. I'm not in right now please leave message after the beep..Beep. Anyway to find out more on this terrible, not as terrible as it would be if it was an English speaking country, but still quite bad, story we sent Kerry Howard to Cairo. Kerry, can you hear me?
Kerry - Coming in loud and clear, Miles.
Miles - is the weather Pharaoh?
Kerry - You're better than that, Miles. You're better than that. Right now I'm standing in the centre of Tahrir Square
Miles - Anything new to report?
Kerry - Not much has changed. Still lot's of protests crying out for the ousting of Mubarak
Miles - right. I can't hear any protestors
Kerry - ..they're on a break
Miles - A break?
Kerry - Yeah. You should have heard them a minute ago (mimics crowd noise). Couldn't get a word in edge ways. They're still here though, I can see them all. Eating their sandwiches
Miles - we..
Kerry - (Interrupting) Cheese. Cheese Sandwiches
Miles - (unsure) Right. Odd. Can you get a word with one of them
Kerry - mmm?
Miles - Can you interview a cheese munching protestor?
Kerry - yup, could do that. That is definitely an option. I'll do that now.Oh wait they've all gone. Shucks!
Miles - they've all gone?
Kerry - Yeah an ice cream van whizzed by and off they went
Miles - to get a dessert after their packed lunch?
Kerry - (ilongated ) Correctamundo (nervously clicks tongue)
Miles - You're not in Egypt are you?
Kerry - Mm, who me?
Miles - yes
Kerry - That's..oh you come on here doubting my dairy based reporting. Andy Gray was sacked for less
Miles - you're not are you?
Kerry - no. No I'm not
Miles - This may sound a bit stupid, but. No can't think of any other way to ask. Why?
Kerry - Right. You remember that meeting we all had before
Miles - before you didn't go
Kerry - That's the one. And you said that security wasn't the best and that foreign reporters were being seized or beaten up by loyalists
Miles - yeah
Kerry - do you really not see where I'm going with this?
Miles - but you've been to dangerous places before. What about your story on the Iraq war. About the soldiers who made a pact with the late John Lennon and - oh my God you made up
Kerry - yeah
Miles - and the time you infiltrated that football mob and became best friends with the leader?
Kerry - The premise of the movie Green Street I'm afraid
Miles - and when you went to cover the Indonesian Tsunmi, fell in love with an irish boy but he drowned - titanic. What about when you went to the execution of Sadam Husaan and you were waiting beneath the trap door to capture his last words "I love Miles Jupp"
Kerry - (laughing) I still can't believe you bought that one
Miles - so I'm not the "dictators choice"? Have you actually covered anything we told you to?
Kerry - I haven't even got a passport
Miles - you can't just make up stories that you think the public want to hear. This isn't the daily mail
Kerry - I know. Sorry. I'll go on the next one
Miles - right. Go interview Tiger Woods
Kerry - Piss off!

2)
Miles - Sexism has been pushed to the forefront of the news lately. Unfortunately Newsjack has not been completely innocent on that front. Earlier today an incident was recorded on the crews mics during breaks from rehearsal. For listeners with a nervous disposition - BOO - sorry this is no time to joke, remember this was never meant to be broadcast. Here it is
Woman 1 - You see Miles on Have I Got News For You?
Woman 2 - no, any good?
Woman 1 - You can answer your own question by removing the word "any" Thank God he's pretty. Wasn't a waste of half an hour though I managed to balance my cheque book.
Woman 2 - A good sense of humour on a man isn't very attractive. Not very masculine
Woman 1 - I agree. No one has ever said "oh I'm pleased I shaved my legs he's so funny " He was better on Mock The Week
Woman 2 - did he sufficiently scoff the previous seven days?
Woman 1 - no but he stood up and
Both - TIGHT PANTS
The sound of a high five
Woman 1 - wouldn't be allowed in a synagogue wearing those pants
Sound effect to indicate a different time/place
Woman 2 - Yeah okay see you out there, Miles. (pause/door closing) It's got a mouth and half on it.
Woman 1 - yup. The talent to ego ratio is way off.
Woman 2 - He only got this job because he gave them the doe eyes
Woman 1 - that's all he's got going for him. I saw him getting changed earlier and he should change his name to millimetres
Woman 2 - Would you though?
Woman 1 - What?
Woman 2 - Smash it?
Woman 1 - I'd wear him like a feminine hygiene product
Miles - It continues like that for a while. I asked the two ladies in question to make an on air apology and they provided me with a statement. "Don't me so menstrual it's a compliment sugar balls"

and one liners -
- Andy Gray and Richard Keys have been rehired. It turned out they were the sexiest
- I'm very disappointed I've been watching for weeks and I've yet to see one big fat gypsy
- I saw on the news that a man shot dead was named by the police. Didn't he already have a name?
- Teachers have been given more powers to search pupils to find phones. What we haven't got enough pedophiles in schools ?
- Teachers have been given more powers to search pupils to find phones. What's it called the Glitter Law?
- Teachers have been given the powers to search pupils without consent for their mobile phones to stop cyber bullying. I hate to see what they plan to stop rape
- Teachers have been given the powers to search pupils without consent for their mobile phones to stop cyber bullying. That's a novel idea to stop bullying, mugging them
- I've just found out the world is going to end when it's 2012. That's right in the middle of Eastenders!
- Apparently the uprising in Egypt is costing the country 310million a day. Why don't they just stop paying it?
- I heard the government are binning ASBOS. That's not fair that's the only qualifications some of these kids have
- Police plan to make criminals make immediate amends for their crimes. Does that mean they'll force rapists to cuddle their victims and pretend they'll phone them later?
- Police plan to make criminals make immediate amends for their crimes. Does that mean we're all finally going to get to live in sitcom world. Steal my car become my butler because I'm up for that
- Knock knock - phone me back to find out the rest
- A school in Norfolk has classes of 70 pupils. I bet by the time they read the register it's lunch time
- A school in Norfolk has classes of 70 pupils. Is it just me who's worried about a hostile take over. Come on people there's strength in number! And I don't mean maths class
- A school in Norfolk has a class with 70 pupils. That's the equivalent of 140 pirates
- I'm hacking into the newsjack answer phone. Oh crap this is recording (someone off mic) Call them fat and hang up. You're fat
- This sexism thing has been blown out of proportion. Since when has I'd smash it been anything but a compliment?
- Elton John has already penned a charity song about the troubles in Egypt; Sandals in the wind
- I read that David Furnish has adopted a kid with his partner. Who's his husband again?
- New Malawian law has illegalized farting public. That's the country that gags media and has outlawed homosexuality. Nice to see they've got they priorities in order
- The RSC are set to build and ship a theatre to New York. Don't think they'll like Shakespeare, I mean they needed subtitles for Trainspotting. Saying that so did I
- A Birmingham MP's wife is on trial for stealing his mistresses cat. There's a pussy joke there somewhere
- Sienna Millers been moaning about her phone messages being hacked. Don't know why. Bet it's not the first time a strangers probe her box
- Steve Coogan is still seeking legal action after having his phone hacked. Still bet his voicemails are better than The Trip
- Steve Coogan is still seeking legal action after having his phone hacked. It was probably Rob Brydon comparing answer machine messages
- I think we're getting a very one sided view of the troubles in Egypt from the media. According to Mubarak's facebook page "it's complicated"
- I heard they hacked into Andy Grays voicemail. Andy asked them to, he can't afford to check his messages anymore
- Where've you been? I've got pages and pages of snow jokes here and no Newsjack. Forget it
- England are set to build a new car that weighs 6 tonnes and goes 1,000 miles per hour. They got the idea from seeing Vanessa Felts at a buffet
- England are set to build a car that will go up to 1,000 miles per hour. Is this the future? If you hit me 900 mph I'll end up on the frigging moon
- England are set to build a car that will go 1,000 miles per hour. Richard Hammond's handed his notice in
- I heard that Chris Tarrants phone was hacked, they caught him phoning a friend
- See Elton John and his husband have adopted a baby. I don't think it should be allowed. Not because they're gay but because Elton's clearly a twat
- Christina Aguilera sang the wrong words to the American National Anthem at the super bowl. Could anyone tell? (inaudible warbling)
- The wikileaks founder is on trial for rape. I don't believe he did it. Maybe that's because I've learnt not to believe anything that starts with wiki
- The boyband The Wanted are up for a Brit award because they make teenage girls scream but when I do it I have to sign a register!

I cannot imagine that a rape gag will ever make it onto Newsjack.

A couple of good ones in here, but you need to use the delete button a bit..

"I'm hacking into the newsjack answer phone. Oh crap this is recording (someone off mic) Call them fat and hang up. You're fat"

I really liked this one

Agree that you should probably use the delete button a bit more, maybe choose the best one from those topics where you have quite a few jokes.

Also as Big Jack mentioned don't think they would go near any of the rape/paedo stuff. Also the EastEnders joke only really works written down.

This is good:

- I've just found out the world is going to end when it's 2012. That's right in the middle of Eastenders!

but, mate! Did you send it in that format?! Cos it's relentless and I was going to give up and I'm relatively tolerant.

A bit of self-editing to pin down the best ones would do you good. And can you tidy it up a bit before posting so it's easy to read. Quite demoralising just posted like that.

Dan

There's some really good lines in there, unfortunately, as others have already pointed out, they are obscured by a lot of poor ones.

I sent in quite a lot of stuff this week but even I pruned quite a bit before I sent off my emails, if you make it hard to read or a chore to read through then you are decreasing your chances of getting stuff on considerably.

Hope this doesn't come across as too negative because there are some lovely lines in there.

hi thanks guys. Really opened my eyes, it's odd that it never occured to me before but I must admit I put in a lot lines that I wasn't pleased with but just want to fill the page I will take your advice on board for this monday. thanks

Any feedback on these first two newsjack 1 liners attempts would be much appreciated:

Scientists have created a 'mother' robot that can create babies out of mechanised blocks. When asked the mother robot said it was a wonderful surprise and also that she's trying to track down a fax machine she met a club 9 months ago.

At Nine Elms in Battersea the world's first sky pool is to be built between two blocks of flats. The pool rules state no heavy petting, no running and no-one under half a million a year.

Thanks again!

It's all too long - cut 75% of it and keep the funny

Thanks Davey Jay, good advice and I'm happy you said there actually is some funny worth keeping.

Quote: Davey Jay @ 28th August 2015, 6:05 PM BST

It's all too long - cut 75% of it and keep the funny

View original

Cut 75%??? Cut 100%, this is now four years old. Do something else.

I suspect I shall be a regular visitor to this thread in the coming weeks, sharing my inglorious defeat

No email, so I'll leave these here...

BREAKING NEWS:

1. Doctors have called for action on 7-day working, as on most weekends there isn't a single MP on duty in Parliament

2. Archaeologists in Wiltshire have discovered a Superhenge. They believe it sent Stonehenge out of business with better choice, wider aisles and more cart parking spaces.

3. A man was arrested after a drone interrupted the US Open Tennis. The 28 year-old from Dunblane was asked to keep his press confererences down in future.

VIEWSJACK:

1. Went to that Dismaland yesterday. Really enjoyed it, which was a shame.

2. Awful to see those refugees stuck on a train going nowhere. Still, it's good preparation for being a British commuter.

3. Sarah Palin says immigrants to the US should speak American. Unless they want to be governor of Alaska, in which case they need to be fluent in bollocks.

AndyGilder I enjoyed your Viewjacks much better than Breaking news. Viewjacks #1 & #2 were the best. Breaking news #3 & #2 the worst. Breaking news #1 would benefit re-working. Your views on the following also appreaciated:

BREAKING NEWS:

1. The Russian government has announced tough action against the cannibal killer dubbed the Granny Ripper. They will be forcing her to present new evidence by using a gagging order.

2. After Corbyn's women only tube carriages were felt to be a step backwards, he now advises concerned women to always sit at the back of the bus.

3. The Chinese stock exchange took another dive as half a million people, effected by the resent explosion at a chemical factory in Eastern China, all put in a whiplash claim.

VIEWJACK:

1. Look if the Archbishop of Canterbury is worried about assisted suicide, then he needs to make his sermons much shorter.

2. Niki Minage's slur on Mylie Cyrus? Well I'm shocked that Kylie's sister would say something like that.

just noticed there's another thread in Writers doing the same thing. https://www.comedy.co.uk/forums/thread/31616/2#P1133565

There are good ideas in the Breaking News, but maybe a bit wordy?

Not sure they'd touch a gag about assisted suicide, and the second of the Viewsjack, doesn't really work for me.

Nick Nockerty - I didn't really 'get' the last Viewsjack. Is the joke just that Minage sounds a bit like Minogue?

AndyGilder - I liked the Viewsjacks and the drone/Murray joke isn't that far from the one they used. I assume the reason they chose it is because yours requires the listener to do a bit more work to get the joke (i.e. work out that you're talking about Andy Murray rather than just having Andy Murrays name be the punchline).

These were my efforts:

BREAKING NEWS:

1. A London clinic has accidentally revealed the HIV status of 780 patients. A spokesman said there were some negatives but also lots of positives.

2. Yvette Cooper said she'd be willing to let people seeking political asylum stay in her house. So that's good news for Syrian refugees AND Ed Balls.

3. An apple a day keeps the doctor away or you can achieve the same thing by hanging around with Jose Mourinho.

VIEWJACK:

1. I think that if Trump follows through in his presidential campaign, he could leave a lasting impression on the White House. Or "skid marks" as they're more commonly known.

2. I was sad to hear that the spiritualist medium Colin Fry has passed away. I hope he's had a word with himself.

3. I think Jeremy Corbyn offers a fresh and exciting choice as leader of the Labour Party. It's about time the British electorate had the opportunity to vote for an old, boring white man.