STEVE: Hi, John. Will you sponsor me?
JOHN: Sure. What are you doing?
STEVE: I'm going to swim right the way across the Atlantic ocean.
JOHN: Wow. All the way across?
STEVE: Yep, from here to Scotland.
JOHN: Dude, that's amazing. I'll give you a penny a mile.
STEVE: Hey, that'll really add up, cheers! Arnie, do you want to sponsor me?
ARNIE: Yeah, OK. But don't put me down per mile, I'll give you a tenner for the whole lot.
STEVE: A tenner? Come on, it's a huge journey. I even have to swim up waterfalls, which is really hard on the tail.
ARNIE: Go on, then: twenty.
STEVE: Nice one, mate! Hey, Gladys, good to see you, you're looking well: do you want to sponsor me?
GLADYS: Sponsor you? To swim to a Scottish river? No.
STEVE: Why not? Bit mean isn't it? It's a really long way, and should be, like, a real adventure.
GLADYS: That's my main problem, Steve. I think you want to do it.
STEVE: What?
GLADYS: I think you really, really enjoy your trips across the world, and that by sponsoring you, we're just funding your thrill-seeking lifestyle, whilst somehow making your own crass gratification look like generosity.
STEVE: What? You think I like swimming all the way to Scotland? Swimming vertically up a waterfall, in contradiction of the gravitational impetus? No way.
GLADYS: Yes, I do. If it's such a chore, why do you do it every year?
STEVE: Well...did I say about the waterfalls?
GLADYS: Why do you, and all the other salmon, all go and do it every year? Why do you set off singing and laughing in a big old bunch, if it's such a terrible hardship? No, I'm not going to pay you money to do something you patently desire.
STEVE: But it's for charity.
GLADYS: Yes, and how much does it cost to get you all to Scotland, hmm? How much of the money you guilt people into giving you every year is left after the expenses involved in getting a few million salmon across Northern Europe?
STEVE: I don't know. Some of it. Look, the point is, whatever clever-clever maths you want to bring up, there's still needy charities making money, aren't there? Without us, you wouldn't think to give anything, so it's all good. I'm just a focus for charity. I'm like a lovely little altruism lens.
GLADYS: Three things. One, I give by direct debit already, so I don't need you as my spectacles of piscine kindness. Secondly, every year I and all the other tuna organise a huge charity jumble sale round here, and make loads of money for local causes, which you'd not know anything about, because you're always messing about in Loch Fyne or whatever. And, thirdly, what charity, exactly, are you collecting for, whilst you have the time of your lives?
STEVE: The, erm, [mumbles]
GLADYS: What was that?
STEVE: The Old Smolt Salmon Rehabilitation Fund
GLADYS: And that's for what, looking after geriatric salmon?
STEVE: Yes. They get very depressed, for your information.
GLADYS: And why's that?
STEVE: Because they can't go swimming across the Atlantic any mo - alright! OK, I see I shan't get any money out of you, you old misery. Come on, boys, to Scotland!
[Squeaky sound of thousand of salmon cheering. As this fades, there's a flapping of wings and a squawk]
TERN: Hello?
GLADYS: Oh, what now?
TERN: Will you sponsor me? I'm going to fly literally halfway round the world this winter.
GLADYS: Oh for f**k's sake. No, I won't, but if you give me fifty quid I'll take you where there are thousands of meals just waiting for you.
), but "kittens that need books" and "godlfish that are gay" really hit the spot.