I've got no intention of doing stand-up. I'm not a performer in any way but maybe if you're doing a routine - say "breakfast this morning" or "coming in on the bus" - do you want any odd one-liners to throw in? Tell us a subject and we'll see if we can come up with anything.
I could imagine being quite somber as I read that to an audience.
AJP thats quite good actually, I just have ones at the moment that insult the heckler(s)
Cheersd dave, I'm normally ok with the actual jokes, it's just I have never been a massively witty person, when I used to be fat someone called me fat I'd just call them gay or something... I was terrible.
"the eff off or you come up here and have a go" line could backfire if they do come up and get a laugh.
One great comeback I heard years ago was, "if it's a battle of wits you want, you're out of luck. I never take on an unarmed man."
Another I heard recently was: "An englishman, Irishman and scotsman went to a pub, and they'll all agreed you're a twat."
SlagB is more direct. SlagB: Can't understand you, pal. Are you drunk or have you got a cock in your mouth? (PAUSE TO LOOK) I see it's both.
I did one last night after some drunk man started shouting stuff at me, at first he was shouting stuff at me and i just ignored him then he shouted "oi you wanker why arn't you doing any comebacks?" i said "if i want my cumback i'll wipe it off your wifes face" which i thought wasn't funny but everyone else did.
Then he waited till about two minutes later when he shouted "YOUR A WANKER" and i said back "yes and what a shame your father wasn't", that one went down very well. 
Quote: lewisroberts @ March 14, 2007, 2:46 PMThen he waited till about two minutes later when he shouted "YOUR A WANKER" and i said back "yes and what a shame your father wasn't", that one went down very well.
Very nice.
*steals more jokes*... I'm actually finding it harder than I thought to find an open night... just getting nothing from local clubs, apparantly if I can do 40 minutes I'm sorted 
I admire all of you who have a go at this - it must be one of the hardest jobs in the world. Some brilliant put downs!
paul i know how you feel, i struggle to find open nights that i can get to easily, around where i live is quite posh, so it has no crime, no chavs (hence the reason no crime) and no life. I prefer doing routines that are about ten minutes, because it isn't long enogh to be killed but it is long enough to establish a atmosphere and let the audience settle to you., keep going paul.
The same with my town, except there are chavs and there is crime, but the idea of a "fun night" is just going out and getting very drunk and starting a fight with someone 4 times your size, weight and strength... which is ok, but not massively varied.
And yeah I've been doing a bit of writing on the routine on and off and I reckon I can easily get 10 minutes together.