Skit Comp 11 - 19.7.15

More hilarity af**k so congratulations to PLAYFULL for winning. PM me with a subject for next wank please.
Hence:

Votes - Points - Name
3 - 10 - Playfull
2 - 5 - Stylee Ting Ting
Speckled mention: Gusto, Gappy, me

Your new subject: SUPERHEROES (chosen by GAPPY).

Rules:
One entry/vote per person. Anyone can enter regardless of colour, sexual preferences or inside leg measurement, except mongeese.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything else as long as it's yours and vaguely linked to the topic. Please try to only post your entry/vote and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 19.7.15

Overall Leader Board is now:
Position - Points - Name
1 - 30 - Darren
2 - 20 - Gappy
3 - 16 - Playfull
4 - 15 - me
5 - 10 - Funny Ha Ha, Tiggy
6 - 5 - Stylee Ting Ting
6 - 1 - Bushbaby

Now which super heroes are the superest?
To decide I have drawn up a short list
There's Spider and Bat
And a female called Cat
But I like the masked 'Fathers for justice-ists!'

CHAP: Hey, mate.

SPIDERMAN: Yes?

CHAP: Nice onesie.

SPIDERMAN: What?

CHAP: Your onesie. I like it.

SPIDERMAN: It's not a onesie.

CHAP: Course it is.

SPIDERMAN: It is not. I'm Spiderman.

CHAP: I'm just talking about your onesie, I didn't ask your name, mate.

SPIDERMAN: Spiderman is not my name! My name is Peter P - Peter P-P-P...my name is not important.

CHAP: Never said it was. But I like your onesie.

SPIDERMAN: Stop it! Stop saying that! This is an anti-nemesis all-terrain hero-glove. It's a state of the art crime-fighting outfit.

CHAP: Toast-eating outfit more like.

SPDERMAN: What does that mean?

CHAP: You know, your onesie is the sort of thing people would wear to sit about waiting toast. Or crumpets. All the toast-foods.

SPIDERMAN: Why would anyone put on special clothes just to eat their - hang on, why am I even arguing with you? I've got things to do. Look, look up on that roof - it's the Green Goblin.

CHAP: Who? That other guy in a onesie?

SPIDERMAN: Yes. I mean, no.

CHAP: Friend of yours, is he? You going to have a movie night? All the Smokey & The Bandits back to back? Sweet.

SPIDERMAN: No! He's my enemy.

CHAP: Oh, right, got you. Stole your look, did he? Swiped your onesie from right out of your ottoman?

SPIDERMAN: No! For the last time, he is not my friend! He's an arch-villain, I am an important civic protector, and this is not a onesie!

CHAP: Oh. Well, you'd best go catch him, then.

SPIDERMAN: Finally, thank you.

CHAP: No worries. Do you want me to hold your teddy bear?

Whatever Happened to the Heroes?

Scott Fitzgerald - which is a writer, not a homosexual offence - said we live in an age without heroes. And in the words of Danté, too f**king right.

Take Michael Moore. He's considered a genius, you know why? Because he discovered that America is corrupt. And he needed three thousand, six hundred and eighty-four hours' documentary footage just to drive the point home. He also discovered that McDonald's food is unhealthy - there's no stopping this man - so he had a guy eat for three months in McDonald's. And the guy died. Good. No one needs a fattie, who can eat enough to support Africa. Unless you work for FAO, in which case by diverting the food from Africa, he's keeping you in a job. Wanker.

No heroes in education either. My Cambridge professor said 'The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe' has Christian undertones. Completely over my head, that one. So does the Bible... He also said 'The Great Dictator' is really about Hitler. I kinda missed that, didn't you? www.miamijazzsociety.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/02/The-Great-Dictator.jpg ... Or that vampire bats hate the smell of garlic. EVERYBODY hates the smell of garlic. First date, garlic breath in the eyes, sex is off quicker than my mum's panties... And finally, the peak of Cambridge education, Stephen Hawking. Yeah great book Steve, but can you make a cup of tea? DUH!

Here in Italy, the cinematographic giant is Fellini. He's like Dickens. Everyone says he's a legend, no one can f**king stand him. Charles Dickens' books are so boring you can't even finish the title: 'David Chuzzlewit, Or The Story Of A Young Boy's Stuggle To Find Meaning and...' Sorry I fell asleep half-way. Next time an Italian says Fellini's a hero, say, 'Really? 'Cos there's a 7385-hour retro at the fleapit, care to join me?' Off quicker than my mum's bra... The genius of Fellini is discovering that men like women with big tits and curvy arses. Get together with Michael Moore for the next movie: 'Teenagers like wanking.' Never mind Greta Garbo, Barbara Windsor's the Sphinx of cinema.

So if you're looking for a hero these days, don't.

Scene1 of The English remake of "The Avengers Assemble" a k a " The Placators Apologise, -While Backing Away". The follow-up "The Placators II - No Honestly, It Was My Fault..." will never "hit" our screens, but might sidle on, trying not to draw attention to itself.

A bus stop in the throbbing mega city of Bracknellopolis.

OLD LADY: Does the Number 86 still go round the ring road, via the Crematorium?

PETER PUTNEY: No, you want the Alternative Bank Holiday Service passed the abbatoir.

THUG: Out of my way Old Lady! And you, Man in Beige Chino's !

OLD LADY: Ooh! You can't jump the queue like that!

THUG: Who's gonna stop me?

PETER PUTNEY: (thinking) Looks like a job for my secret alter-ego! Right! To the nearest unisex changing cubicle at George at Asdas!

OLD LADY: Ooh, I'll never get back in time for Bradley Walsh on The Chase now!...: Or maybe I will!... finally here's someone to stand up to you with a display of traditionally mild British indignation!... It's ...!

THUG: "QUEUE TUTTING MAN"!!!?

QUEUE TUTTING MAN: Yes!

THUG: You'll never stop me pushing in line, Queue Tutting Man!

QUEUE TUTTING MAN: We'll see about that! When the bus arrives...

(they wait for the bus to arrive.....)

( due to a snarl up on the A3095 at the Bagshot Road roundabout, this takes some time)

THUG: There's probably a snarl up on the A3095 at theBagshot Road Roundabout. C**t.

OLD LADY: Bradley'll be laughing at his own jokes by now...naughty boy!

QUEUE TUTTING MAN:... Y'know, they found 13 Asylum Seekers on the Number 48 night bus.

OLD LADY: That's why I stood for Councellor for the E.D.L.

THUG: Ah, here it is... You'll not stop me getting on first, Queue Tutting Man!

( wheezing, stuttering sound as the elderly bus arrives, it's door opening slowly)

QUEUE TUTTING MAN: Perhaps not, but it's time someone took a stand and said " enough is enough! , ... If you don't mind? "

THUG: Here I go!...

QUEUE TUTTING MAN: Tut...

THUG: Did you say something?...

QUEUE TUTTING MAN: Um... no...

THUG: I thought you made a vague sound in the back of your throat?...

QUEUE TUTTING MAN : Um.. no.

THUG: Thought not. Hey! Weren't you stood in the queue infront of the old lady, wearing a slightly different shade of brown chino?...

QUEUE TUTTING MAN: Um... no... I've only just arrived. I was called here by a signal from the roof of the Centre for Social Justice, like the Bat Signal, but a pair of pursed lips.

OLD LADY: Looks more like a slack anus to me.

THUG: Yes, they were 'beige', now they re "tope" - I'm a Senior Buyer in "Gentlemens Casuals" at Burtons Menswear. You were standing there in line!...

QUEUE TUTTING MAN: No, I'm... Well not a Crime Fighter as such... I' m a Comentator on Minor Social Injustice...This is my Minor Social Injustice Commenting Costume.....

OLD LADY: Looks more like a slack anus to me.

SHOP ASSISTANT: (running to join them) Oi, you haven't paid for those chinos Mr Putney!

QUEUE TUTTING MAN: My secret identity is blown!!! How did you know my name? Did I leave my wallet in my other chinos?

THUG : No, your Mum has written your name in biro on the George at Asdas, plain, pack of 3, y-fronts you're wearing as a mask.

BUS DRIVER: Are you Bastards getting on or not?

THUG: Yes.

QUEUE TUTTING MAN: Tut...

THUG: You getting on Carley?

SHOP ASSISTANT: Yeah, alright Jayden, how's Burtons?

QUEUE TUTTING MAN: Tut tut...

THUG: Room for one more Gran.

OLD LADY: Ooh Bradley, I'm coming, out of my way, Loser.

QUEUE TUTTING MAN: Tut... Oi wait a minute! I've got a super saver, multi trip day ticket!

(sound of the bus door slamming shut and the bus moving off)

MANLY VOICES FROM THE SHADOWS

VOICE 1: It's tough taking a stand.. Especially lying in a gutter wearing cheap pants on your head. Why don't you join us? In our, sort of loose collective, if you've got nothing else on, I mean... I'm Mr Shadow, I was 'Not One to Push Himself Forward Boy'. I changed my name, but haven't told anybody yet.

VOICE 2: I'm 'Captain Stands Awkwardly in the Hallway at Parties'

VOICE 3 : And I'm 'Slightly Irked About Everything Woman'. Or so people keep telling me, anyway. You should meet our Leader, now he is Super!

VOICE4 : Oh, I'm not really 'super'! ... I'm 'Self-Deprecating Man' . Though I may turn evil and become "False Modesto'

QUEUE TUTTING MAN : Who's that over there in the dark costume?

VOICE 1: Oh I don't know, she's not with us...

GIRl: I'm 'Hijab Girl', I'm waiting for the bus to Heathrow for my flight to Turkey, perhaps you would like to read these pamphlets?

QUEUE TUTTING MAN : Yes, maybe I will, thank you.

My friend calls Steven Redgrave "Batman"
"Why" I asked,
"He won gold at 5 different Olympics"
He Explained,
"So its fair to say Super-He-Rows !!!!"

CHANGE THE SUBJECT MAN

SERGEANT & JEEVES (HIS SIDEKICK) ARE AT A STAND-OFF WITH CHANGE THE SUBJECT MAN

SERGEANT
Are you armed?

CHANGE THE SUBJECT MAN
I watched Mockingjay Part 1 last night. Was that the worst film ever or what?

SERGEANT
Yea, it was crap compared to the first one.

JEEVES
Even the second one wasn't half as bad.

SERGEANT
Wait a minute. Did he say he was armed?

JEEVES
Can't remember Sarge.

SERGEANT
Put your weapon down and come out with your hands in the air.

CHANGE THE SUBJECT MAN
Ended up booking a holiday to Greece last night. 90% off. Rhodes too. The crème de la crème. You guy's going anywhere?

SERGEANT
Not booked anything yet but 90% off is a bargain.

JEEVES
Never been to Greece myself. Will need to let the wife know about that one.

SERGEANT
Wait a sec. Did he say he was coming out with his hands up?

JEEVES
Can't remember Sarge.

SERGEANT
Okay, we're coming in!

CHANGE THE SUBJECT MAN
Have you played the new Candy Crush? It's a bit harder than the previous versions but my God are the graphics and sound amazing. I'm on level 467 already.

*Cops get their phones out*

SERGEANT
He's just text me his ransom requests.

JEEVES
What's he after?

SERGEANT
A car, a house, another house and he wants us to write off his expenses.

JEEVES
That's a huge list Sarge.

SERGEANT
We do not negotiate with criminals Jeeves! Move in!!

THE POLICE STORM THE BUILDING.

5 MINUTES LATER

They exit the front building with Change The Subject Man.

JEEVES
I don't think that is Change The Subject man at all

There is gasps.

JEEVES REMOVES THE MASK TO REVEAL AN ORDINARY BLOKE

JEEVES
It's POLITICIAN MAN!

SERGEANT
How the hell did you know that Jeeves?

JEEVES
Come on....who else has the time to get to level 467?

SERGEANT
Bravo Jeeves! You'll make an excellent detective yet.

END

Thoroughly enjoyed reading these, so well done everyone on a good week. I have 2 runners-up:

Darren's was very entertaining and full of ideas, but it feels a tiny bit jumbled at the mo. Stylee's was excelently put together, it just needs an ending, the pullback felt a bit underwhelming after a good bit of dialogue. Both cracking efforts, though.

This week's winner for me is Craig, who found a good concept aqnd folowed it elegantly to a neat conclusion.

Gappy, as ever, but Michael a good 2nd.

Some good stuff and some strong ideas. Loved Gappy's "Toast-eating outfit more like." line.

Very difficult to pick but going for Craig.

Craig for me, with Darren a very close second.

Yup, all good but Craig.
(I mean but I'll vote for Craig. Not all except. Thank you.)

gappy for me

Some nice sketches.

Stylee's was right up my street and a surefire winner but flailed towards the end and the pay off didn't do the great build up justice.

Darren's was an excellent concept and very funny piece but I felt it was too disjointed. With some tightening up this could be a brilliant sketch.

I also enjoyed Michael's rant / stand up style this week but my favourite was gappy. I think it was the most cohesive piece of writing and the toast-eating outfit stole it for me.

Quote: Craig H @ 22nd July 2015, 11:48 AM BST

I also enjoyed Michael's rant / stand up style this week

View original

Cool! Yes some of this I do in stand-up too.

Quote: Stylee TingTing @ 22nd July 2015, 3:58 PM BST

I've done a post-comp-end tweak edit for the ending.

Better, or not, lads?

View original

Nice work, Sir! Glad the comp is useful.