GUM CLINIC SKETCH
A man walks into a hospital. He is talking on the phone to his girlfriend.
MR BUNTING
I know love 3rd floor at the hospital and turn left.
We see a sign on the wall. Orthodontics right-G.U.M clinic left. He doesn’t notice this and turns left.
He is holding the side of his mouth and moaning with pain. He walks into the waiting room. We see lots of people wearing hats and scarves over their faces. Other people have large broadsheet newspapers over their faces with holes cut out for the eyes. Other people have their chairs turned in towards the wall unwilling to show their faces. The man walks up to the counter.
MR BUNTING
Hello I didn’t have an appointment, but I just couldn’t take the pain anymore. I even think I can taste blood!
WOMAN
Taste blood, oh my god.
MR BUNTING
Please I need someone to help me real soon, or it just might come out of the socket.
WOMAN
Oh my. Can I just ask you a few quick questions?
MR BUNTING
Yes of course.
WOMAN
How many sexual partners have u had in the last year?
MR BUNTING
What the hell has that got to do with it?
WOMAN
Oh believe me it’s got everything to do with it!
The man holds his teeth and looks worried
MR BUNTING
Really? Four. But I scrub twice a day and floss occasionally.
WOMAN
You can scrub them clean all day long; its what you do between the scrubbing is what counts.
WOMAN
Take a seat sir that will be all at for the minute.
He sits down next to the other people.
MR BUNTING
I hate these places. I haven’t been in one of these places in years. Must be 10 years, since my dad last took me here!
MAN
When your dad took you here? You can only be 20.
MR BUNTING
Aye 21 next week.
MAN
So when you were 10 you were coming to places like this?
MR BUNTING
Yea! My dad always timed it so we went together.
MAN
And what did your mum say.
MR BUNTING
He never told her. Cos she is scared of places like this. Had a bad experience with a drill years ago!
MAN
Drill!
MR BUNTING
Things have changed a lot since I was last here. I mean the receptionist seem to ask funny questions.
Could Mr Bunting please come to booth 7?
MR BUNTING
That’s me mate. Hope you don’t need the drill!
MAN
Drill!
He walks towards the cubicle and enters the cubicle were he meets the doctor.
MR BUNTING
Hello doctor
DOCTOR
Hello Mr bunting what seems to be the problem?
MR BUNTING
Well doc it’s the pain at the back. Its been killing me for a few weeks now.
DOCTOR
Right first things first are you a practising homosexual?
MR BUNTING
What’s that got to do with anything? No I’m not one of those!
DOCTOR
One of those! Let me tell you Mr bunting I am homosexual. Please watch your mouth. Just answer the questions please.
MR BUNTING
I’m sorry and No I’m not a practising homosexual!
DOCTOR
Have you ever been to Sub Sahara Africa?
MR BUNTING
No way god knows what you’d catch.
The doctor raises his eyebrow
DOCTOR
Could you please take your trousers off and touch your toes.
MR BUNTING
Can’t I just open my mouth?
DOCTOR
No. We need to look at it from a different angle.
Mr Bunting is bent over with the doctor examining him
MR BUNTING
What about the old ways?
DOCTOR
That’s history.
MR BUNTING
Listen I’m a family man. I have 2 kids. Will this be hereditary?
DOCTOR
Well if your children don’t go down the same path as you, they should be ok.
MR BUNTING
So doc what’s it going to be? Will you be pulling it out or filing it in?
DOCTOR
I thought you’d never ask!
The end
