"Cameron Scores!"

Hi Guys,

Feedback on "Cameron Scores!" welcomed.

The original pictorial version is easier on the eye and can be read at the link below:

http://www.politicaldreamz.com/home/index/26

UPDATE: 11/5/15 -- Some changes have been made to the pictorial version in light of the feedback below.

Thanks.

- Gusto
---------------------------------------------------------

"Cameron Scores!"

May 8th, 2015: Downing Street, 6 am: With his second General Election victory in the bag, David Cameron dozes on a couch. He dreams that he is about to take the penalty-kick that will win the FA Cup for Aston Villa. He looks down where the football should be and sees Nick Clegg's head addressing him in five languages. Cameron takes a few paces back, readies himself, but is then prodded in the back...

CHURCHILL:
Well done, my boy! You did it!

CAMERON:
Jeez! Sir Winston!

CHURCHILL:
Relax, I'm not here for your soul. We all know that's kept under lock and key in the City. No, I'm here for the celebrations. I may be dead but I'm still the life and soul of the party.

CAMERON:
Really?

CHURCHILL:
Yes, you know, one time, a lady said to me: "Winston! You're drunk!" And I said: "My dear, you are ugly but tomorrow I shall be ..."

CAMERON:
Er, yes, I think I've heard that one before. Now, if you'd be so kind as to take a step back, I've got a cup to win.

CHURCHILL:
Of course. Pardon me. Fire ahead. Back of the net, and all that. [He stands back but can't contain himself.] But what amazes me is how on earth you managed to win. It's not as if you achieved anything in your first term.

CAMERON:
Sorry?

CHURCHILL:
I mean, I saved the nation from Nazi invasion and the people thanked me by voting me out of office in 1945, whereas you ...

CAMERON:
Elections are a funny old business. Now, if you would just ...

CHURCHILL:
Funny old business! Exactly. I couldn't have put it better myself. Well, in fact, I could. You know, I once said that the best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter.

CAMERON:
Splendid! Now, if you could just give me a moment ...

CHURCHILL:
Oh, sure. Go for it. Knock yourself out. [Cameron readies himself.] ... But, as I was saying, the ungrateful bastards ...

CAMERON:
Jeez! Sir Winston! Would you let me kick the bloody ball?!

CHURCHILL:
Sorry, am I interrupting something important?

CAMERON:
Duh, yes! You see, after winning a second term, all that remains for me to do in life is to score the winning goal in a Cup Final ... this Cup Final. So, if you don't mind ..

CHURCHILL:
Right. I'll shut up ...

CAMERON:
Thank you!

CHURCHILL:
... But only after you've listed your government's achievements. You know, it might help me understand '45 better.

CAMERON:
All right then. [In press conference mode.] My government has a long list of notable achievements such as ... um .... recession-thingy ... and ... er...

CHURCHILL:
What about that horse-meat fiasco? You got that sorted, didn't you?

CAMERON:
Yes, I did, didn't I? I'd almost forgotten about that amidst all of my other ...er... successes.

CHURCHILL:
A lot of fuss about nothing, if you ask me. Surely the presence of wholesome horse-meat in shit food shouldn't be a problem. A fillet of Shergar or Red Rum in a frozen lasagne can only be an improvement. No?

CAMERON:
You're right, Sir Winston, but try telling that to the people.

CHURCHILL:
The people! Hmpf! What do they know?

CAMERON:
Increasingly less, it seems. The level of functional illiteracy for school-leavers has reached 17%, and the level of innumeracy is at 22%.

CHURCHILL:
In other words, they can't even count how many of their peers can't read ...

CAMERON:
... and are unable to read the report that tells them they can't count.

CHURCHILL:
That's bad. Victory or no victory, you still have your plate full, what with the deficit, the Scots, and Kim Kardashian's arse threatening to invade Canada. Remember, boy, expansionist policies have to be checked!

CAMERON:
Thank you for the advice, sir. Now, if you'll excuse me, as I said, I've got a cup to win...

CHURCHILL:
And what about the levels of crime!? The prisons are stuffed but you still have thousands of miscreants walking the streets because of a crocked legal system. Ah, I miss the good old days when the prisoner rather than the sentence was suspended.

CAMERON:
Erm, right, sir. Now, if you'd be so kind ...

CHURCHILL:
At least you won't have any problems with the Opposition for a while.

CAMERON:
True, I won't. Now, if you'd be so very good as to ...

CHURCHILL:
But mark me, young man, watch your house! Your own kind will bring you down. That Nordic Natterjack, what's his name...?

CAMERON:
You mean Boris -- Boris Johnson?

CHURCHILL:
Yes, him! Watch his every oafish move, be it on land, sea, air or bicycle.

CAMERON:
I certainly will. Now, if you could take a step back...

CHURCHILL:
Sure. Fire ahead. [Cameron prepares to kick.] ... Ah, but it's a dirty business, this politics!

CAMERON:
Filthy. Now, if you would just hold that thought while I ...

CHURCHILL:
But as I said to Hitler on the phone just the other day, if you're going through hell, keep going!

CAMERON:
You were speaking to Hitler?!

CHURCHILL:
Yes, the call came out of the blue. Apparently, he was due to appear on Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? - in the other place, the lower house - and anyway, he wanted to know if he could call me if he needed to use his "Phone a Friend" lifeline.

CAMERON:
A tad presumptuous, I should think, Sir Winston.

CHURCHILL:
Yes, but I was feeling rather magnanimous, so I agreed. As it happened, he didn't need to call me. He reached the million-pound question with his three "lives" intact.

CAMERON:
Amazing! Did he win?

CHURCHILL:
Nope! He was stumped by the last question and instead of phoning me, the fool opted to "Ask the Audience."

CAMERON:
What was the question?

CHURCHILL:
A devilishly tricky one: "The Talmud's Mishnah is divided into six orders or parts. What is the fourth order or part? Is it:
1. Tohorot
2. Zeraim
3. Moed
4. Nezikin

CAMERON:
Ha! Was the audience any help?

CHURCHILL:
Well, when the studio-lights went up, the audience consisted exclusively of orthodox rabbis, so you can imagine how much help they gave him.

CAMERON:
Oh, that's truly diabolical!

CHURCHILL:
I felt sorry for the wretch and later sent him a text saying that success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm.

CAMERON:
That was very good of you, sir.

CHURCHILL:
It was no trouble. I'm eminently quotable, even if I say so myself.

CAMERON:
Quite!

CHURCHILL:
Now! To the task at hand - your winning the cup for ... sorry, who is it?

CAMERON:
Aston Villa.

CHURCHILL:
The Villans, eh? Okay. I recommend you put it to the right - the left will never do, for all the obvious reasons.

CAMERON:
My thoughts exactly. My usual trick is to pretend it's going down the middle but then ... I hammer it to the right!

CHURCHILL:
Clever lad! So, go on -- show some of the old bulldog spirit!

CAMERON:
Right! Here goes for Queen and country ... and the City!
[As he approaches the ball, the crowd roars...]

NICK CLEGG'S HEAD/THE FOOTBALL:
Merde!

[END]

To my mind this is as near perfect as can be.
Broadcastable.

Keep up the good work.

This doesn't work, slow, obvious, clunky.

Good satire is about informing via humour, sticking a proverbial finger in your ear and ticking your brain.

This is just a big old poke in the eye.

Also you're just retyping Churchills quotes, so its close to plagarism.

I'm in the middle. There are some decent lines, but there's an awful lot of it, and some of it is barn door stuff (then again, that's my problem with most political satire). There's definitely a good sketch here, but it's swaddled in its own flab, I'd say. For example, Hitler on WWTBAM is another sketch entirely.

The only constructive crit I can offer is that Cameron's dream strip should be half Villa and half West Ham. >_<

Oh, and I'd save Clegg's head for a final visual pull-back.

Quote: Gussie Fink Nottle @ 11th May 2015, 12:27 AM BST

To my mind this is as near perfect as can be.
Broadcastable.

Keep up the good work.

View original

Thanks for the encouraging words, Gussie Fink Nottle.

Quote: sootyj @ 11th May 2015, 8:41 AM BST

This doesn't work, slow, obvious, clunky.

View original

Thanks for taking the time to read and critique my piece, sootyj.

Granted, it may not be my "finest hour" but I'd hoped that the piece would have a few "moments" at least. I think the "slow, obvious, and clunky" aspects might be reduced if the piece were performed, but I take on board your points.

Quote: sootyj @ 11th May 2015, 8:41 AM BST

Good satire is about informing via humour, sticking a proverbial finger in your ear and ticking your brain. This is just a big old poke in the eye.

View original

Thanks for that. I'll work on nuance and method.

Quote: sootyj @ 11th May 2015, 8:41 AM BST

Also you're just retyping Churchills quotes, so its close to plagarism.

View original

I was conscious of the piece being open to the charge of "close to plagiarism" with the Churchill quotes but I thought they would work if I used his best known ones and he actually said them. This was intended to be part of the humour of the piece -- that he "is eminently quotable, even if [he does] say so [himself]."

But I do take your point. Some readers mightn't realise they are quotes and give undue credit to the writer. (I made the mistake of writing for "an ideal reader" -- lesson learned!) I had thought about putting the Churchill stuff in quotation marks but apart from looking a trifle unwieldy on the page, I felt it would have lessened the humourous intent. However, your point has made me revisit the lines in question, and I think the solution might be to put the quotes in bold, and to remove the other emboldened lines/phrases that I normally include just to break up the text. (I'll make the changes to the version on my website but leave the Comedy UK forum version as is, so that readers can see the amendments suggested by forum members.)

And finally, lest any reader be any in doubt as to who said/wrote what, these are the Churchill quotes:

1."Winston! You're drunk!" / You're ugly ..." etc.
2. "The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter."
3. "...be it on land, sea, air [or bicycle]" -- allusive paraphrase of "We shall fight on the beaches etc.".
4. "If you're going through hell, keep going!"
5. "Success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm."

(He didn't win the Nobel Prize for Literature for nothing.)

Thanks again for the feedback, sootyj.

Quote: gappy @ 11th May 2015, 8:48 AM BST

I'm in the middle. There are some decent lines, but there's an awful lot of it, and some of it is barn door stuff (then again, that's my problem with most political satire). There's definitely a good sketch here, but it's swaddled in its own flab, I'd say. For example, Hitler on WWTBAM is another sketch entirely.

View original

I hear you, gappy.

You're right, politicians are easy targets, and they are often more comedic that the people who try to write jokes about them. It's a constant challenge. Perhaps Mrs Hatred's advice about the Belgians in Python's "Prejudice" sketch should be applied to politicians: "Let's not call them anything, let's just ignore them."

I admit that the Hitler on WWTBAM section looks as if it was shoe-horned in. In earlier drafts, I'd included sections where Churchill engaged with other figures (Thatcher et al.), and this was to reflect the dream aspect of the piece, where anyone can appear and anything can happen. I cut them out and left the Hitler piece in (I just couldn't let it go ... lesson learned!), but I see now that regardless of its comedic quality, it doesn't compensate for the fact that it jars with the rest of the piece. (I'll omit it from the version on my website but leave it in on the Comedy UK version so that readers can see the improvements/changes suggested by Members.)

Quote: gappy @ 11th May 2015, 8:48 AM BST

The only constructive crit I can offer is that Cameron's dream strip should be half Villa and half West Ham. >_<

View original

Of course! When questioned recently, Cameron was confused about which team he supported. (I'll use this, if you don't mind. Thanks for the suggestion!)

Quote: gappy @ 11th May 2015, 8:48 AM BST

Oh, and I'd save Clegg's head for a final visual pull-back.

View original

Again, you're right. I'll omit the Clegg reference in the intro on my website version.

Great stuff. Thanks again!

- Gusto.