Sitcom redraft - feedback appreciated

Hey everyone! I've been pretty busy working on this lately, so feedback would be received gratefully. Thanks! (This is roughly a third of the whole episode.

int. The flat, kitchen- morning

MAX and GARY are breakfasting, GARY slowly eating toast while reading the newspaper as MAX is very audibly eating the newspaper and reading toast that has been written on. GARY looks up and groans.

GARY (EXASPERATED)

Why?

MAX looks up and raises an eyebrow.

MAX

Gary, it isn't opposite day.

GARY

What?

MAX spits out some newspaper and coughs loudly.

MAX

I didn't say, it isn't opposite day.

GARY

Sorry, are you saying that it is opposite day?

MAX (dramatically)

No.

GARY

Okay then.

GARY shakes his head and gets back to his newspaper. MAX looks around the kitchen carefully then cups his hands around his mouth.

MAX (whispering)

No means yes.

GARY

Do you say that to all the girls? And why did you just look around the kitchen? And how long did this take you?!

GARY reaches across the table and examines the written-on toast, which at the top can be seen to say 'The Telegraph' and 'The Sun'.

GARY (cont.)

Jesus, Max, it's like a tory-toast party! These are literally this morning's headlines. You must have been up late.

MAX

Well, someone around here has to not take opposite day seriously.

GARY (sarcastically)

Sorry mate, I'm too busy taking my job seriously, so I have no time to take opposite day seriously, or you, I'm afraid.

MAX frowns and looks unimpressed with GARY, who stands up, puts on his blazer jacket, and grabs his briefcase. As he leaves the room, he picks up MAX's newspaper delivery bag, turns around and waves it around, smiling.

GARY (CONT.)

Don't you overwork yourself, now.

GARY leaves the room as MAX spits out more newspaper and leans toward the door.

MAX (loudly)

Hello.

int. BLUTECH OFFICES- DAY.

GARY walks into the office, greeting various extras and approaching KEN, a fat, bald, and lowly co-worker.

GARY

Hey, Ken! How are we today? Listen, if you could just get those files sorted and on my desk when you get a minute.

KEN

Yes, boss. Can I get you a cup of water?

GARY

That would be lovely, Ken, actually. Just gonna take this quickly.

GARY walks away from KEN to the corner of the room, and begins chatting into his blu-tooth earpiece. Meanwhile, visible further behind GARY, KEN unscrews the water tank from the dispenser and lifts it up. He then topples, drenching himself and the floor. Not phased, he gets back up, picks the tank up and pours it into a paper cup for GARY. He then disastrously attempts to screw it back on, soaking everything again.

GARY (CONT. INTO EARPIECE)

Hello? Absolutely, Mrs Johnson. Of course. Well, it is that difficult time of the month, isn't it? Well up until now I think it's been a great cycle, Mrs Johnson. No, no. Yes, it is your body, okay, you know best. I'm sorry, I just don't think it should smell like that. Yes. All good chemists Mrs Johnson. No problem. My pleasure, Mrs Johnson.

GARY leaves KEN to head to his office, when he bumps into his assistant, JENNA.

GARY (cont. agitated)

Next time that demented old bitch rings me about her imaginary period, or the fridge light being robbed, or the invented tattoo of Edvard Munch's, 'The Scream' she has around her anus, I will go mental.

JENNA

Actually, only two of those are false.

GARY

Either offer me some sort of fridge light protecting device, or say nothing.

JENNA

Gary, she's an important investor, she needs to speak to senior staff and be shown respect, you can't just put her through to me.

GARY

Well, I'm going to see Adams about it, I'm not entertaining this nonsense anymore.

JENNA (offended)

Dementia isn't nonsense!

GARY

No, but it's unnecessary in the workplace. Imagine this office, filled with even less able Kens who have no idea what they're doing here.

KEN walks past, saturated, as GARY and JENNY watch on in disbelief.

JENNA

Maybe you're right. Oh, before you go, sign this card.

JENNA holds out a card and a pen to GARY, who takes them and rests on a nearby desk. He looks up.

GARY

Who's it for?

JENNA

Mark.

GARY

What's happened to him? Is he okay?

JENNA

He touched an egg.

GARY

And...

JENNA

At room temperature...

GARY (PENNY DROPPING)

Oh God, yeah, I forgot about that.

JENNA

The doctors are starting to think it's more mind over matter now.

GARY (signing card)

The man is terrified of eggs, especially at room temperature. I wish him well though. Oh, and I need those papers on my desk by three, Jen. Cheers.

GARY begins to walk away.

int. ADAMS' OFFICE'- DAY.

GARY enters and looks around the deserted office, when a voice is heard.

ADAMS (o.s)

Who is it?

GARY

It's Gary, listen I was just wondering if-

ADAMS (O.S- INTERRUPTING, sing song)

You'll have to find me first.

GARY looks at the cupboard with his eyebrow raised.

GARY

Are you in the cupboard?

ADAMS slowly makes his way out of the cupboard, smiling. He approaches GARY.

ADAMS

Ah. You have got me. It is true. I was in the cupboard.

ADAMS jumps and spins around.

ADAMS (CONT. SHOUTING)

360! Boy, that sure was a tight squeeze.

ADAMS slowly extends his arm and gently squeezes GARY on the shoulder, exhaling sensuously.

ADAMS (cont. slowly)

Squeeze.

GARY recoils, batting his arm away. ADAMS reaches out to do it again.

ADAMS (CONT. SLOWLY)

Squeeze.

GARY bats his hand away again.

GARY

Look, boss, I came to ask you if I could direct Mrs Johnson's calls to Jenna from now on, she's hardly ever lucid these days.

ADAMS

Your call. I had a lucid dream once.

GARY

So you think I should-

ADAMS (ignoring, interrupting)

I did a 720. That's two 360's! Without touching the ground. If only I could one day do a 720 in real life!

GARY turns to leave.

ADAMS (CONT. SHOUTING)

Wait, just one more thing before you leave. You're promoted!

GARY turns back to ADAMS, who gets a dirty looking party hat intended to celebrate the birth of a female child out of his inside pocket and gently places it on a stunned GARY.

GARY (SHOCKED)

What?

ADAMS

Well, as you can see from this little chart drawn on the back of my hand with a frube, which is basically just yoghurt now, sales figures under your supervision have sky- rocketed over this quarterly.

GARY realises himself and takes the hat off, discarding it on the desk of ADAMS.

GARY

But Sir, I thought they'd fallen.

ADAMS

Gary, I know these sales figures like the back of my hand.

ADAMS raises his hand to his mouth and licks off some yoghurt while intensely staring at GARY.

ADAMS

Strawberry. You'll be briefed on your new position tomorrow.

GARY

Honestly, I can't thank you enough.

ADAMS

Think nothing of it, child. You are relieved.

THE TWO shake hands, GARY retracting his immediately as he feels the yoghurt. ADAMS then gets on all fours and grabs GARY's hand, beginning to such it like a leech.

ADAMS (cont. crazed)

Nutrients!

GARY cries out and hurries out of the office and ADAMS scurries back into his cupboard.

INT. BLUTECH OFFICES- DAY.

GARY is hastily walking across the office when JENNA walks past him.

JENNA

Oh, hello again.

GARY (HAPPILY)

Hey there.

JENNA

So, um, what did he say about Mrs Johnson.

GARY

Oh, just that it was my call.

JENNA

Well...

GARY

You're going to be putting up with her from now on. Sorry.

JENNA (disappointed)

You're the boss.

JENNA begins to walk away.

GARY

Jen, wait.

JENNA

What?

GARY (excitedly)

I've been promoted.

JENNA cries out happily and the two quickly hug.

jenna

You should celebrate.

GARY (hesitant)

Maybe I will, I'm not sure.

JENNA

Have a party!

GARY (laughing)

Oh I don't know, we'll have to see.

int. the flat, living room- day.

MAX is lounging around on the sofa, eating a packet of crisps. The phone rings. He gets up and walks to phone, answering it.

MAX

Hello?

GARY (O.S, EXCITEDLY)

Max, mate, I've been promoted!

MAX (LOUDLY)

You're going to the moon?

GARY (O.S, CONFUSED)

What? No! I'm now a deputy sales executive. I swear to god, one day I'll make partner!

MAX

Oh, I thought you'd been promoted to astronaut.

GARY (O.S, AGITATED)

How? How could that possible be the case? Idiot.

MAX (COLDLY)

Power has changed you. But well done.

GARY (O.S)

Whatever. Look, I need you to listen. I've decided I'm gonna have a party for the worker ants to celebrate, you know? So what I need you to do is go to the supermarket and by some party stuff. You know, the basics. Nibbles as well.

MAX

You do realise you're asking a lot here, don't you?

GARY (O.S)

The supermarket will have all we need.

MAX

Are you sure?

GARY (O.S, ANNOYED)

I'm f**king positive! Just please do this, for me. It's important. I've got to go, bye.

GARY hangs up and MAX puts the phone down. HE returns to the sofa, scratching his head.

MAX (BEWILDERED)

A party for ants?

I applaud you effort are there are things to admire here. But you've not set the scene, or told me anything about your characters. Without this, it's just a list of surreal actions, that have little sense.

I do like the surreal beginning but the banter that accompanies lend nothing. The banter should be telling me who these people are, you should be setting the scene.

There are corny lines like "Do you say that to all the girls?" that are one offs - so is that his character or not ? I did like the line "tattoo of Edward Munch's, 'The Scream' she has around her anus". Looks more like a skit, or sketch than a Sitcom. But I liked it enough to comment, so that's a start.

Quote: Nick Nockerty @ 20th April 2015, 3:41 PM BST

I do like the surreal beginning but the banter that accompanies lend nothing. The banter should be telling me who these people are.

View original

this. Thank you for reading and for some great feedback- this is what needs work, cheers

For the most part I preferred the shorter, snappier scenes of the earlier draft you posted here... sorry.

The extra lines about the mystery call involving Tampax feel too much like explaining a joke in a script which revels in not making too much sense in the first place. And on a similar note I think toast with "The Sun" written on it is best done as a quickfire visual gag.

I'm sorry. But this did not work for me.

My main problem is that this piece is entirely situation led.
You seek to create the weird (i.e. funny) situation, largely by introducing weird behaviour.

But sitcom tends to be character led, not situation led.

Take Ken. If we knew about him, if we knew something of his foibles and troubles and worries, then seeing him come apart as the water cooler disintegrates would be funny. But here he is an unknown madman who dismantles the water dispenser in order to pour out water. He engages in this strange behaviour for no particular reason.
In short; if he is 'one of us' and things go wrong we can identify with his struggles, we share in his pain and laugh. But here we just have a complete stranger doing something daft.

One has very much the same problem with Max. To any audience confronted with him, this is just 'some guy' acting weird. He isn't a loveable eccentric. He's just irrational.

In fact what we get here are three weird characters who are given some space in the script, Max, Mrs Johnson and Adams.
(ironically, the remote, unseen character of Mrs Johnson works best of the three)
As such, I would advise only to stick with one wildly eccentric character. Otherwise you have several nutjobs coming at you from the same angle.

Very importantly however, what we do not have are lead characters and inter-relations.

Gary clearly is the central character here and there is little information to help an audience gain any meaningful understanding of him. If anything, he is unlikeable, as he comes across as uncaring toward the other characters.

Now I know it will be easy to dismiss what I'm saying here.
After all, this may just not be my kind of humour, right?
But I do think you have a very basic problem here.

As Nick Nockerty says, you need to 'set the scene'.
You need to give the audience a steer regarding who these people are.

Take how you give us some pointers for Mrs Johnson, a persistent, bothersome loon with dementia who happens to be a shareholder. We know something relevant about her. Relevant to the situation and relevant to Gary. It is why she works better than Max and Adams.
This is the sort of information the audience needs. Something to create more rounded characters and not mere random people. But much, much more of this is needed all round here.

Again, sitcom is character led.
The fun stems from something happening to Del Boy and Rodney, or to Captain Mainwaring, or to Mr Fawlty and Manuel.
The fun does not stem from something happening to someone, or from someone doing something.

Please don't think I'm just seeking to pick holes, because that is honestly not what I'm trying to do.
Nor am I seeking to discourage you from trying. Frankly, I would encourage anyone to try and keep trying.

So, I hope you find at least something helpful in this post.

Yup Gussie got the nail on the head.

It's wacky and wacky like genocide is always a bad thing and something the UN should be trying to stamp out with violence ASAP.

In a sitcom comedy comes from characters, situation and relationship.

Not bizarre behaviour and wacky shenanigans.

Try again, but this time try and illustrate; character, relationship and situation. If they're any good it'll be funny.

I couldn't get beyond the first couple of pages as it was just meaningless for me. First and foremost, construct a good plot with an interesting main character.

I'm not an expert, but I'll still pick out what I did and didn't like about it in case it helps!

The bad (besides what has already been said, which I do agree with):

We meet a lot of secondary characters very quickly. It's hard to keep up with so many personalities. Maybe the scene should have been further set at the beginning, so that we can find out more about Gary before we're suddenly introduced to 4 or 5 more characters.

Also, Adams confuses me a bit. You do have quite a lot of eccentric characters in on place here. Not all of them have to be crazy!

And I also agree that the funny things come from the way characters react to situations, rather than the situations being funny.

The good!

I did smile as I imagined some of those jokes - for instance when Max shouts 'Hello!' as Gary leaves, and the 'Ken walking past after they've just been talking about him' scene.

I enjoyed reading it, but I'd definitely take note of everything that's been said here. Good luck!

Wow, thanks for all the feedback guys. Really, really constructive. I guess that I do selfishly force in things that I alone find funny. Yes anyhow, I think I'll have to chop and change the scenes and maybe have a staggered start in terms of character introduction. It's really great to have so many useful comments. Cheers.