GUM CLINIC SKETCH
A MAN WALKS INTO A HOSPITAL. HE IS TALKING ON THE PHONE TO HIS GIRLFRIEND.
MR BUNTING
I know love 3rd floor at the hospital and turn left.
WE SEE A SIGN ON THE WALL. ORTHADONTICS RIGHT G.U.M CLINIC LEFT. HE DOSENT NOTICE THIS AND TURNS LEFT.
MR BUNTING
I’ll see you soon love, bye.
HE IS HOLDING THE SIDE OF HIS MOUTH AND MOANING WITH PAIN. HE WALKS INTO THE WAITING ROOM. WE SEE LOTS OF PEOPLE WEARING HATS AND SCARVES OVER THEIR FACES. OTHER PEOPLE HAVE LARGE BROADSHEET NEWSPAPERS OVER THEIR FACES WITH HOLES CUT OUT FOR THE EYES. OTHER PEOPLE HAVE THEIR CHAIRS TURNED IN TOWARDS THE WALL UNWILLING TO SHOW THEIR FACES. THE MAN WALKS UP TO THE COUNTER.
MR BUNTING
Hello I didn’t have an appointment, but I just couldn’t take the pain anymore.
WOMAN
Ok sir that seems bad. If you could take a seat someone will be with you very shortly.
MR BUNTING
Please I need someone to help me real soon, I feel its gonna fall out
WOMAN
Oh my. Can I just ask you a few quick questions?
MR BUNTING
Yes of course.
WOMAN
How many sexual partners have u had in the last year?
MR BUNTING
What the hell has that got to do with it? I refrain from oral sex!
WOMAN
Oh believe me it’s got everything to do with it!
THE MAN HOLDS HIS TEETH AND LOOKS WORRIED
MR BUNTING
Really? Well 4. But I try and clean keep things clean! I shrub them twice a day.
WOMAN
You can scrub them clean all day long; its what you do between the scrubbing is what counts.
MR BUNTING
True
WOMAN
Take a seat sir that will be all at for the minute.
HE SITS DOWN NEXT TO THE OTHER PEOPLE.
MR BUNTING
I hate these places.
MAN
Tell me about it. If it wasn’t for the wife catching me.
MR BUNTING
Not flossing after dinner?
MAN
Something like that!
MR BUNTING
I haven’t been in one of these places in years. Must be 10 years, when my dad last took me here!
MAN
When your dad took you here? You can only be 20.
MR BUNTING
Aye 21 next week.
MAN
So when you were 10 you were frequenting places like this?
MR BUNTING
Yea my dad always timed it so we went together.
MAN
And what did your mum say.
MR BUNTING
She was glad he took me cos she is scared of places like this.
MAN
Aren’t we all?
MR BUNTING
Things have changed a lot since I was last here. I mean the receptionist seem to ask funny questions and look at all these people with newspapers and hats, covering their faces and what’s with the chicken suit?
MAN
Who him. He’s here more times than I can remember, think he’s really fried his giblets this time.
COULD MR BUNTING PLEASE COME TO BOOTH 7.
MR BUNTING
That’s me mate. I really hope it doesn’t fall out. Later dude.
HE WALKS TOWARDS THE CUBICLE AND ENTERS THE CUBILE WERE HE MEETS THE DOCTOR.
MR BUNTING
Hello doctor
DOCTOR
Hello Mr bunting what seems to be the problem?
MR BUNTING
Well doc it’s the pain in the back. The two big boys. They have been killing me for a few weeks now.
DOCTOR
Right first things first are you a practising homosexual?
MR BUNTING
What’s that got to do with anything? Anyway I’m not one of those!
DOCTOR
One of those. Let me tell you Mr bunting I am homosexual. Please what your mouth. Just answer the questions please so we can stop the pain!
MR BUNTING
I’m sorry and No I’m not a practising homosexual!
DOCTOR
Have u ever been to South Africa or slept with a black woman?
MR BUNTING
Not that I know off.
MR BUNTING
What is this with my sexual past? For gods sake.
DOCTOR
We just need to know what’s going on. Could you please take your trousers off and touch your toes.
MR BUNTING
Can’t I just open my mouth?
DOCTOR
No sometimes you need to look at things in a different way
MR BUNTING IS BENT OVER WITH THE DOCTOR EXAMINING HIM
MR BUNTING
What about the old ways?
DOCTOR
Too many people died. We needed to stop the rot.
MR BUNTING
Isn’t that what toothpaste is for?
DOCTOR
Herpes maybe but I cant see know signs.
MR BUNTING
Listen I’m a family man. I have 2 kids. Will this be hereditary?
DOCTOR
Well if your children don’t go down the same path as you, they should be ok.
MR BUNTING
So doc what’s it going to be? Will you be pulling it out or filing it in?
DOCTOR
I thought you’d never ask!
THE END
Maybe a bit long but very funny. Dunno what the sleeping with a Black woman thing was about. Would take that out. Otherwise a very clever and funny sketch 
