How to be British

Hi all,

This is my first post on this thread so apologies if I'm doing something wrong. Here is a sketch I wrote for this week's Newsjack. Thoughts welcome:
Teresa May has announced plans to introduce a test on 'British Value' for more or less all foreign visitors to the UK. People are already complaining that the idea is ridiculous, and that the test was a lot harder when they were young. To shed fresh light on the debate, Newsjack has managed to obtain a sample of the Home Office Instructional Material.
HOW TO BE BRITISH
1. GRAMS: INTRO MUSIC FOR 50'S B&W STYLE PUBLIC INFORMATION FILM, PERHAPS WITH SUITABLY CRACKLY SOUND ACROSS SKETCH
2. MAN: [RP] Welome to part one of this series of instructional programs entitled 'How to Behave in mordern Britain' Remember: always wear a hat. Whether it's a flat cap, a bowler, or one of the tall ones, then chaps can tell what class of person you are, and whether they would talk to you in the street.
3. WOMEN: [RP] Ladies! Don't go anywhere without your fan. That way you can let everyone know you are available for marriage, and potential suitors can set about trying to buy you from your father.
4. MAN: And that's all there is to being accepted in Britain. Simply act, talk, dress and behave exactly like everyone else, and you'll be welcomed with open arms.
5. WOMAN: Tune your wireless to this station again tomorrow, when we will explain how you can use simple flower and water to ensure that your appearance gets you into restaurants and onto buses just like everybody else in the friendliest country of them all.

Liked it a lot - just felt the setup was missing something to tie-in the current story with the 1950s treatment. e.g. "To save money the Home Office has decided to recycle existing instructional materials first developed in 1955. Let's have a listen"

Flower and water? Did you mean flour, and were you alluding to whitening your skin? If so, it was not very clear, sorry.

Quote: Eoin Carney @ 27th February 2015, 12:51 AM GMT

Liked it a lot - just felt the setup was missing something to tie-in the current story with the 1950s treatment. e.g. "To save money the Home Office has decided to recycle existing instructional materials first developed in 1955. Let's have a listen"

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That's a good idea!
Well done though keep writing!

Flour and water! F**kit! Yes, that was what I meant, and I did worry that it wasn't obvious enough, so your view is most helpful, thanks.

I didn't want to sell the 50's thing in advance, the concept was that the idea of british values was inately old fashioned and that in a modern context it still seems really dated. Your way certainly opens up an interesting alternative though.

Thanks for your feedback and kind comments, all.