I liked the concept but felt it didn't go anywhere. I've listened to some of your other stuff and liked it. Maybe the God could be abit naughty ( laying in with the missus or a hooker or something). But like you said a work in progress. well done.
The Albion Basement - show 2 Page 3
Quote: gappy @ 25th January 2015, 2:00 PM GMTThe final sketch from our 2014 show: www.youtube.com/watch?v=vOJy5d1EOwA
I put the script up in Critique a little while ago, but now you can hear it in its full poorly articulated glory!
It's an ambitious idea and you put it together with a lot of skill and vim#
Problem is really, it doesn't work, sorry.
The 2 stories just don't gel and it doesn't really fulfill satire on either of them.
I can see where you're going with the final scenes of 50s literature cliches of brutality. But you kind of haven't earned it and so it falls a bit flat.
As an overall have you thought of I dunno simplifying a bit?
Most of the best sketches are incredibly simple ideas.
1 Lumberjack reveals in song he isn't butch he's a transvestite.
2 Talking Gorilla smarter than his owner and they hate each other.
3 What would an English restaurant be like in India?
Where as most of yours have several ideas looking for resoloution. For example in the above sketch it's.
The cat in the hat visits Stella from street care named desire, to fix her roof. Thus illustrating how brutal 50s society was reflected in the literature of the time.
Most of your sketches seem to similarly have several themes often at war with each other. This creates a situation where the punchline turns up in the middle, but wait there's another one at the end.
So maybe just something simple like "Cat in a hat on trial for being a pooftah in Seussian rhyme"
Quote: Warwick Marlow @ 6th February 2015, 9:55 AM GMTI liked the concept but felt it didn't go anywhere. I've listened to some of your other stuff and liked it. Maybe the God could be abit naughty ( laying in with the missus or a hooker or something). But like you said a work in progress. well done.
Is this on the right thread? Bit foxed by this. 
Quote: sootyj @ 6th February 2015, 10:04 AM GMTMost of your sketches seem to similarly have several themes often at war with each other.
I think this is a fair observation in general, Soots, and I definitely take it on board in relation to a lot of our writing, but in this sketch you may be overthinking it. The concept is simply "Dr Suess, but with loads of stupid Williams references". There's not really supposed to be any satire, as such, or much meaning, it's just a string of puns and nods, like an extended I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue round.
Anyway, on Sunday, we're having the first review of our pile to start whittling down to about 20 sketches for our 3rd show, and your advice will be in my mind when we do so 
Yeh but my not getting it, you've totally illustrated the problem with your writing, not my understanding.
Basically it's too unfocussed I totally didn't get where you were coming from.
So "Dr Seuss with Tenesse Williams" is like one of those freaky donut, bacon, burger hybrids Americans seem to like.
Nail it down to a simple idea otherwise it rambles.
I mean you can be florid, or add flourishes but it needs to focus on something relatively simple and relatable.
Quote: sootyj @ 6th February 2015, 10:55 AM GMTYeh but my not getting it, you've totally illustrated the problem with your writing, not my understanding.
This may well be true, but I'd be wary of taking universal comprehension as the cornerstone of the writing process.
In comedy it is.
You can write a clever bollox mopy play about the Holocaust being horrid, or choir boys getting bummed by the pope.
And your audience will sit with their stylishly bearded chins in their hands for 12 hours, then go home and talk about the profoundity of the scene with a squirrel in it.
But comedy, people get it pretty much instantly or they don't.
Quote: sootyj @ 6th February 2015, 11:21 AM GMTBut comedy, people get it pretty much instantly or they don't.
Yes. But they never *all* get it, and it's not worth worrying about that. Plus, there's no reference that's truly universal - I suspect plenty of people don't know who Tennessee Williams is, but I won't worry that they don't get this.
The funny thing is, I think your observation is really incredibly astute, but this isn't the sketch to use as an example: to my mind the central concept is incredibly simple, and it couldn't be more explicitly introduced.
Sorry mr gappy...got confused on threads was talking about the God of thunder sketch. btw warwick marlow is my name in a way. (porn name anyway) its the name I'm using on my YouTube channel. Keep up your good work though is there a chance to see what you guys look like filmed at the venue?
Not thunder volcanoes...
Quote: Warwick Marlow @ 6th February 2015, 1:38 PM GMTSorry mr gappy...got confused on threads was talking about the God of thunder sketch. btw warwick marlow is my name in a way. (porn name anyway) its the name I'm using on my YouTube channel. Keep up your good work though is there a chance to see what you guys look like filmed at the venue?
Not thunder volcanoes...
Ah, I've got you. Yeah, I kind of felt that the sleepy God one could maybe have gone further, it's pretty light. Just an attempt to write something a little different, I think, and it was fun to do.
So far as I'm aware there's no video footage of us...although if there were it woudl just be us reading from scripts, so you probably wouldn't gain much...and we're better looking in your head, I suspect. 
Everything looks better in my head.
See if this sketch does. Interestingly, it's the only sketch we've ever done that involves stagecraft of a sort, with people going offstage and a hidden mike in the soundbooth. You can probably work out what's happenning, but if not, never mind - it's the last we'll put up from the 2014 show, so you'll be free for a while (although we're meeting in a couple of hours to start pulling together the shortlist of sketches for the 2015 show 
)