PAUL: Ah, now here's a decision, John. Does Mark Selby take an easy blue here, or does he opt for a trickier pink, and attempt to open up the reds?
JOHN: Excellent question, Paul. Or, there's always the option of the orange to the centre pocket, and back up to the baulk for a safety. How would you rate that, Paul?
PAUL: I...err...
JOHN: Not so keen on that idea? I know you prefer an attacking game.
PAUL: No, it's not that it's just...
JOHN: Yes?
PAUL: Has there always been an orange ball?
JOHN: Pardon me?
PAUL: It's just that I don't recall ever seeing an orange ball before.
JOHN: [Pause] Erm, right, well, there has definitely always been an orange ball. So, Mark's asking for the white to be cleaned, probably weighing his options up, he is a deep thinker, is Mark, and-
PAUL: So, hang on, are you saying there's always been an orange ball?
JOHN: Of course. I mean, to put it simply [sings "Snooker Loopy"], "Pot the red then screw back, for the yellow, green, brown, orange, blue, pink, black".
PAUL: Is that the words? They don't seem quite...erm, sorry John, I feel a little...unusual.
JOHN: Probably the excitement of the quarter finals, Paul. Oh, and Mark is down and he is going for the orange. Yes, it's beautifully away, and, oh, look at the white just nestling against the baulk cushion, you literally couldn't place it better. Thoughts, Paul?
PAUL: So...how much is the orange worth?
JOHN: Well, it varies, Paul.
PAUL: And, why isn't it being respotted?
JOHN: [Awkward pause, then frustrated] OK, I think what Paul is doing here, is playing devil's advocate, to get me to explain the finer points of the orange. The orange, as I'm sure most of our viewers know, is only played once per game. I'm glad that's cleared up. So, here comes Shaun Murphy, he's in a tricky spot, here. He'll need to get past the blue on the way back from the reds, and of course avoid the orange.
PAUL: But you said the orange doesn't come back!
JOHN: Not the orange ball, the actual orange.
PAUL: What?
JJOHN: [Whisper] What are you doing, Paul?
PAUL: [Whimper] Whu?
JOHN: [Angry] Yes, as we *all* know, there's always an orange on the table, and if the cue ball hits that particular fruit, the match is forfeit. Of course, nowadays, it's not really an orange, because they tend to roll about to much, it's a mandarin. I recall Marco Fu saying that, as there are so many Chinese players in the game now, this was done to make them feel at home. [Chuckle] Great sense of humour, a real ambassador for the game. Anyway, Shaun has played a lovely little safety escape, and left Mark Selby in-
PAUL: What the hell is that?!
JOHN: That, Paul, is Metal Mickey.
PAUL: Oh, come on!
JOHN: As Paul seems to have forgotten, a small model of Metal Mickey is put onto the table every 14 minutes to amble randomly about, nudging the balls. This has been happening in ranking tournaments [emphasis] since 1982! It was an attempt to widen the appeal of snooker to a new demographic
PAUL: What demographic?
JOHN: The Metal Mickey demographic - still strong, I'm sure you'll agree.
PAUL: I don't think I would - and why are there two cue balls now?
JOHN: That one's not a cue ball, Paul. It's the moon.
PAUL: The m-moon? [Weeping] How could it be the moon? How could it possibly be the moon?
JOHN: Because of the magic.
PAUL: Please don't, John.
JOHN: Because of the magic of snooker. What, Paul, did you somehow forget that most snooker players were seventh level mages?
PAUL: No.
JOHN: Well, they are. Come on, how do you think Dennis Taylor stopped that black in '85? It's because he's magic...and has special glasses that can see through time. Hang on, is that what's happening here? Perhaps Stephen Maguire's goat sacrifice yesterday caused another dimension flux: are you an alternate Paul from an alternate reality where snooker is boring?
PAUL: Yes. I mean, no. I mean, it's not boring, but, but -
JOHN: But no moons. Another universe, who'd have thought it. Well, never mind, it doesn't matter, because it's just about time for the referee to implode.
[HUGE BACKWARDS SUCKING NOISE, THEN SILENCE]
