First few scenes of sitcom Feedback please

INT.FLAT - DAY

DAY 1. KEVIN walks into the living room of the flat and
looks around him in bewilderment.

KEVIN
Luke?

LUKE enters from his bedroom

LUKE
Alright Bruv, good day at work?

KEVIN
Okay, what did you do?

LUKE
Do? Nothing!

KEVIN
You tidied up?

LUKE
Yeah, looks alright doesn't it?

KEVIN
You never tidy up.

LUKE
What? I just thought I should
start pulling my weight is all, I
haven't done anything.

KEVIN
Okay? So what do you want?

LUKE
Why don't you sit down while I
get us a drink?

KEVIN sits down while LUKE goes to the fridge, he picks
out two beers and gives one to KEVIN then sits down next
to him.

LUKE
So, how are things with you and
Amy?

KEVIN
Have you killed someone?

LUKE
I'm trying to take an interest in
your life here, Kevin.

KEVIN
Fine, things are fine, I'm taking
her to that new restraunt on the
high strreet tonight.

LUKE
Nice! Look, I know me and her
don't exactly see eye to eye..

KEVIN
Since you tried to sleep with her
Brother.

LUKE
(CONTD)
..because I tried to sleep with
her Brother, purely for research
purposes. But, I think we should
both make an effort to get along.
For you.

KEVIN
(suspicious)
That's a very mature attitude?

LUKE
Exactly. So I think you should
forget the restaurant and bring
her round here for a nice, cosy,
threesome.

BEAT

LUKE
(nervous chuckle)
Don't leave me hanging here.

KEVIN
I don't know what to say.

LUKE
Yes? Yes would be nice.

KEVIN
The answer is no, Luke, not now,
not ever.

LUKE
It's not the kind of threesome
you were hoping for, I know. But
don't worry, there'll be no blue
on blue action, you're my
brother, it'd be weird.

KEVIN
It won't be weird, Luke, because
it's never going to happen.

LUKE
Come on, Kevin, I need this.

KEVIN
You need professional help, you
want this because of your stupid
sex diary.

LUKE
I need your help, I'm never going
to get this book deal if I don't
tick all the boxes, you're my
only hope.

KEVIN
Not my problem, there's plenty of
like minded lunatics on the
Internet, ask them.

LUKE
Oh that's your solution to
everything, technology. (mocking)
"Google it, put it in the Sat
Nav, flush the toilet"

KEVIN
Then forget it because I'm not
dragging my girlfriend into a
threesome with you or anyone
else.

LUKE
You selfish Bastard!

LUKE walks to his bedroom and slams the door.


INT.RESTAURANT - EVENING

DAY 1 - KEVIN and AMY are standing in the lobby of Romanos
restaurant waiting to be seated.

AMY
I can't believe it!

KEVIN
I know, right? He's getting
pretty desperate.

AMY
I mean, I can't believe you said
no without checking to see what I
wanted.

KEVIN
Ha ha, good one.

AMY
I'm serious, Kevin. I'm a
strong-minded, ambitious woman,
not some lone concubine in your
personal Harem. I choose what I'm
going to do.

KEVIN
So...you want to have a threesome
with Luke?

AMY
God no! But that's not the point,
Kevin.

KEVIN pulls AMY close to him and strokes her hair

KEVIN
I'm sorry, Okay? Next time my
deviant Brother tries to involve
us in one of his pathetic
fantasies I'll be sure to check
with you first. Alright?

AMY
It's a start.

KEVIN
Okay, let's forget all this crap.
Tonight it's just You and Me,
okay?

AMY
Erm..

The restaurant door opens and KENDRA strides in
purposefully and approaches KEVIN and AMY.

KENDRA
You're still not seated?
Unacceptable!

AMY
Kevin, this is Kendra, my friend
from the Gym I was telling you
about.

KEVIN holds out his hand to KENDRA

KEVIN
Oh, Nice to meet you, Amy's told
me...

KENDRA
Don't try to crush my hand and do
not kiss me, clear?


KEVIN
.... so many, nice, things about
you. (BEAT) Crystal.

AMY
We're still a little early,
should only be a couple of
minutes now.

KENDRA
(sniffs)Acceptable, I'm
famished.

KEVIN
Oh, you've booked a table too?

KENDRA
No.

KEVIN
Oh, I think they're pretty fully
booked, might be a while
before.....

AMY and KENDRA stare at KEVIN

KEVIN
Well this should be nice, just
the three of us.


INT.HOUSE - NIGHT

LUKE is sitting in MANDY's living room nursing a can of
lager. MANDY is curled up on the sofa with a can of cider
and her mobile phone.

MANDY
(laughing)
I don't believe it!

LUKE
I know, right? Your lucky day or
what?

MANDY
I was wondering why you'd bought
cider.

LUKE
Never let it be said that Luke
James McArdle doesn't put his
hand in his pocket when he needs
something.


MANDY
Thing is, Luke, I don't like
being second choice.

LUKE
Family comes first, Mandy. Which
makes Kevins betrayal even harder
to swallow.

MANDY
Hey, just think what you would
have had to swallow if he'd said
yes.

LUKE
Yeah, have to admit I wasn't too
comfy with the two stags and a
doe thing.

MANDY
Shame you don't have a sister.

LUKE
Yeah, shame. (beat) But then
she'd only have a boyfriend and
I'd be back to square one.

MANDY
Such a shame...

LUKE
Still, no point dwelling on what
might have been. We've got a
menage-a-trois to get down to.

MANDY
Luke, I like you, in that I find
you barely tolerable for short
periods. But I am not in the
habit of shagging people I barely
tolerate and random strangers.

LUKE
Amy's not a stranger!

MANDY
(beat)
You really think Amy is going to
want to sleep with you?

LUKE stands up and looks himself up and down pointing with
both hands.

LUKE
Why? What's wrong with me?

MANDY
She hates you

LUKE
That's her problem.

MANDY
She's your Brothers Girlfriend.

LUKE
That's not my fault.

MANDY
(Beat)
You're a narcissistic,
sex-obsessed man-child.

LUKE
And that's just your opinion,
quite a nasty one by the way. The
fact is there is no logical
reason why a rational woman like
Amy would turn down an
opportunity for no-strings sex
with an all round more attractive
version of her feckless excuse
for a boyfriend, especially when
there's a bit of sapphic
experimentation thrown in.

MANDY
Wow!

LUKE
Impressive, right?

MANDY
You know what, sold! Get her
round here tonight and let's get
this on.

LUKE stands up and puts his coat on.

LUKE
I knew you'd see sense, you all
do in the end.

MANDY
How could we not?

LUKE
Get that bed warmed up, light a
few candles, I'll be back soon.

MANDY
(hands over meter key)
Here, put ten quid on the gas on
your way back.


INT.RESTAURANT - EVENING

AMY, KEVIN and KENDRA are all seated at a table for two,
they each have a menu.

KEVIN
So, what do you fancy?

KENDRA
(sniff)

AMY
I'm not sure

KEVIN
How about the chicken breast in
mushroom sauce, you like
mushrooms?

KENDRA sniffs again, louder and stares over her menu at
AMY

AMY
(reluctantly authoritative
tone)
Kevin, I am a grown, intelligent
woman, I do not need your input
in choosing my meal.

KEVIN looks confusedly between AMY and KENDRA then looks
back to his menu.

KEVIN
Well, I think I'll have the mixed
grill.

AMY looks down at the table.

AMY
What about Kendra?

KEVIN
You want me to choose Kendras
meal now?

KENDRA
Absolutely not!

AMY
No, Kevin. If you get a mixed
grill then there won't be enough
room on the table for Kendra's
plate.

KEVIN
That's because this table is a
table for two.

AMY
Then maybe you should have asked
for a bigger table if you wanted
a bigger meal.

KEVIN
What?! You invited this woman
without asking me...

KENDRA
This woman?

AMY
I don't have to ask you anything,
Kevin McArdle. If my friends want
to join me for dinner then I will
let them.

KEVIN
What?! What the hell is going on?

KENDRA
Have you got a problem with me
being here, Kevin?

KEVIN
I, erm...

KENDRA
Are you threatened by a strong
women encroaching into your
pathetic little Alpha male
territory?

AMY's phone rings, she retrieves it from her bag

AMY
What?

KEVIN
No, not at all.

KENDRA
That sure of yourself, eh?

AMY
Right now? Why?

KEVIN
Look, can we just calm down and
talk.....

KENDRA
I don't need to calm down, I'm
not some emotional train-wreck
cliche, Kevin.


KEVIN
I never said you were.

AMY
Fine!

AMY hangs up her phone and puts it back in her bag.

KENDRA
But it's what you were thinking!
It's what you all think.

AMY
Kevin, I've got to go. Won't be a
few minutes. I'm sorry, Kendra.

AMY heads for the door.

KEVIN
What? No! Wait, you haven't
chosen your food!

AMY
Just pick something for me,
something with mushrooms.

AMY exits.

KENDRA
Finally got your way, hmm?


EXT.RESTAURANT - NIGHT

LUKE is standing outside, AMY comes through the door and
walks over to him

AMY
What happened? Are they okay?

LUKE
Who?

AMY
Your Mum and Dad?! You told me
something had happened.

LUKE
Oh that, no they're fine.
Cantancerous, tight fisted and
judgemental, but fine.

AMY
You lied about your parents being
ill just to get me out here.


LUKE
Everyone uses dying relatives as
an excuse for something, Amy.
Don't have a go at me just
because you can't read between
the lines.

AMY
(beat)
Goodbye, Luke.

LUKE
Wait, wait! I need a favour.

AMY
Luke, I know about the threesome
thing, Kevin already told you,
no.

LUKE
You're barking up the wrong tree,
Amy. I don't want a threesome
with you and Kevin either.

AMY
So what do you want?

LUKE
You know Mandy, right?

I like the dialogue, characters are strong, setting is strong.

Very quickly got the relationship and you get some decent jokes out of it.

It's rare to see someone here with the confidence to make us guess about peoples relationships and let us get it.

But more characters and some directions as currently it sounds like 2 people ping ponging words.

I agree with Sooty, there's character, plot and narrative drive, which is good. I think it's just kind of idling in 3rd gear at the mo, and needs a bit more oomph.

What I mean is, there's an old saw that states every line should be a joke, develop character or drive the plot. You've pretty much done that, but it doesn't mean that lines can't still be worked on. So, take the dinner: funny idea, and I like the implicit echoing of a threesome and the themes of asking permission and so on, but I'm sure that it can be funnier, more awkward. The plate size is good, but I reckon Kendra can be far more of a monster.

Just turn it up to 11, really. I don't mean swearing or shouting, I just mean, let's see a bit more tension at this meal. Let's see more suspicion from Kevin in the first scene, get the sense that this is a very unusual situation where Luke has tidied up.

And the same with lines like "I'm taking her to that new restaurant in the High Street". It does its job, but it sounds like it was written bvy committee, it's kind of dead. Why not say "We've got a table at Cassonnetti's tonight", or something? Let the audience work out that it's the local posh nosh.

Finally, I'd like to find something outr about this book really early on, as this is what's driving it all. So, is Luke a failed writer who has blurted out to his agent ina moment of desperation that he's 3 weeks a way from finishing a tawdry sexual autobiography, whereas he's hardly done anything unusual before? If so, I'd get that flashback scene in as, like, second scene, then we know what it is he wants.

Final boring note, I don't think Luke's phone call to the woman makes sense. I mean, Luke's parents are Kevin's parent too, it's odd Luke would call her not Kevin, and it's very very odd that she wouldn't mention it to Kevin, no matter how fraught their night might be.

Thanks for that. In my head Kendra was definitely more agressive and I'm struggling to find her voice, she's quite heavily featured in the next scene which is where it's kind of ground to a halt. I also originally had the restaurant name in the discussion between Luke and Kevin but it just didn't seem to look right on the page so I probably over-thought that.
The working title for the sitcom is The Luke McArdle Sex Chronicles. I've written a couple of other episodes and submitted, and then re-submitted after the peer reviews, a gay experimentation episode for the Sitcom Trials a while back.
The premise is that Luke is a former reality TV star whose star has faded and is trying to cash in by writing some fictional post-success sexual encounters. In true sitcom fashion it's always a disaster and he always tries to drag Kevin in with him in one way or another.

I really appreciate the feedback so far guys, it's giving me a lot to think about.

I like this, good dialogue and some good gags. It flows nicely, and the characters are strong.

I've not much to add in terms of critique, pretty much agree with everything sootyj and gappy have said. The only other thing, which sootyj touched on was there might be a slight lack of action and/or characters. It is very linear at the moment, so by the end of this it almost feels like a sketch? I'm not sure what other characters exist, or what subplots there might be, but might be good to split this a tad. I could be wrong of course!!

Terrible title. Bland but gnomic is best

Feel like I'm being over critical now, considering I really liked the thing!! But I'm not sure the premise would have legs, in terms of a full series. Interested to know what feedback you've had in that regard? There's only so much sex one can handle! And if his escapades end up being fictional, does it not sort of negate the effort he puts in to making them happen?

Nice dialogue & characterisation.
Personally I feel it could do with breaking up with a little more action - if only to make it an easier read.
I do share Wills slight niggle about legs for such a 'full-on' subject, but that's your problem!

Quote: sean knight @ 11th January 2015, 11:36 AM GMT

The premise is that Luke is a former reality TV star whose star has faded and is trying to cash in by writing some fictional post-success sexual encounters. In true sitcom fashion it's always a disaster and he always tries to drag Kevin in

View original

I think this is an episode, not a premise for a an entire show.

However, I agree the positive comments above

Also, I do think your dialogue needs a bit of an edit. For example in this sequence:

Quote: sean knight @ 11th January 2015, 10:41 AM GMT

KEVIN looks confusedly between AMY and KENDRA then looks
back to his menu.

KEVIN
Well, I think I'll have the mixed
grill.

AMY looks down at the table.

AMY
What about Kendra?

KEVIN
You want me to choose Kendras
meal now?

KENDRA
Absolutely not!

AMY
No, Kevin. If you get a mixed
grill then there won't be enough
room on the table for Kendra's
plate.

KEVIN
That's because this table is a
table for two.

AMY
Then maybe you should have asked
for a bigger table if you wanted
a bigger meal.

KEVIN
What?! You invited this woman
without asking me...

KENDRA
This woman?

AMY
I don't have to ask you anything,
Kevin McArdle. If my friends want
to join me for dinner then I will
let them.

KEVIN
What?! What the hell is going on?

KENDRA
Have you got a problem with me
being here, Kevin?

KEVIN
I, erm...

KENDRA
Are you threatened by a strong
women encroaching into your
pathetic little Alpha male
territory?

View original

Could very easily be reduced down to:

KEVIN looks confusedly between AMY and KENDRA then looks
back to his menu.

KEVIN
Well, I think I'll have the mixed
grill.

AMY looks down at the table.

AMY
What about Kendra?

KEVIN
You want me to choose Kendras
meal now?

KENDRA
Absolutely not!

AMY
No, Kevin. If you get a mixed
grill then there won't be enough
room on the table for Kendra's
plate.

KEVIN
That's because this table is a
table for two.


KENDRA
Have you got a problem with me
being here, Kevin?

KEVIN
I, erm...

KENDRA
Are you threatened by a strong
women encroaching into your
pathetic little Alpha male
territory?

WE know that Kevin thought it would just be the two of them. We know that Amy has defiantly invited a third party. No need for the middle bit.

Quote: sean knight @ 11th January 2015, 11:36 AM GMT

The working title for the sitcom is The Luke McArdle Sex Chronicles. I've written a couple of other episodes and submitted, and then re-submitted after the peer reviews, a gay experimentation episode for the Sitcom Trials a while back.

View original

You seem to have done an awful lot of work on this one idea - have you got it out there in terms of production companies etc?

It might be time (after a couple more rewrites) to take the plunge...

Firstly, thanks to everyone for being so honest and I'm chuffed to bits with the positive comments.

The premise has been a sticky point for a while which is why I keep dropping it and coming back over the last 2/3 years.

At one point I had the idea of the two brothers inheriting their Fathers firm. Luke still being the ex reality TV star after the easy life and quick buck and Kevin being the earnest one trying to do right by the family legacy. I played around with different versions, this is a snippet from one

https://www.comedy.co.uk/forums/thread/24870#P890776

I think I've got some good ideas and I just need to bolt it all together in a coherent, tight package. Might take another 2/3 years though. It's not like it pays the bills.

It reads very like Peep Show, which is a compliment but could hold you back. By the end I was hearing Luke as Jez and Kevin and Amy as Mark and Dobbie.

With the amount you've done to the script I would get it sent out and move on to the next project. Potential is there!

While I'm flattered that you think I should submit to production companies now I think I'm just going to do my best to get this ready for something like the Sitcom Mission and pay the extra for the feedback.
A quick scan through agencies on the internet and my options are extremely limited anyway.

Okay, so had a bit of a re-write.

My Favourite Twin

"Three's Company"

INT.FLAT - DAY

KEVIN walks into the tidy flat and
looks around him in bewilderment.

KEVIN
(angry shout)
Luke?

LUKE enters from his bedroom

LUKE
Alright, good day at work?

KEVIN
(deflated tone)
Okay, what did you do?

LUKE
Do? Nothing!
KEVIN waves his arm around the flat.

KEVIN
You tidied up?

LUKE
So?

KEVIN
So, you've either killed someone
or you want something?

KEVIN walks around the kitchen checking in drawers.

LUKE
Will you relax, Kevin? I haven't done anything.

KEVIN
So what do you want?

KEVIN removes knives from the knife block and examines the blades

LUKE
Why don't you sit down while I
get us a drink?

KEVIN opens the cupboard under the sink and disconnects the U-bend. LUKE gets two beer bottles from the fridge.

LUKE
So, how are things with you and
Amy?

KEVIN
Whatever it is you've done just tell me now.

LUKE
I'm trying to take an interest in
your life here, Kevin. You're not
going to find dried blood anywhere,
not this time.

KEVIN examines the U-bend then puts it back under the sink

KEVIN
Things are fine, we're going to
Romano's tonight, actually.

LUKE
Nice, nice! Look, I know me and her
don't exactly see eye to eye..

KEVIN stands up and dusts himself off then takes a drink from his bottle.

KEVIN
Since you tried to sleep with her
Brother.

LUKE
...because I tried to sleep with
her Brother, purely for research
purposes. But, I think we should
both make an effort to get along.
For you.
KEVIN
(suspicious)
That's a very mature attitude?

LUKE
Exactly. So how about I save you a
few quid on the meal and you bring
her round here for a nice, cosy,
threesome.

BEAT

LUKE
(nervous chuckle)
Don't leave me hanging here.

KEVIN
I don't know what to say.

LUKE
Yes? Yes would be nice.

KEVIN
The answer is no, Luke, not now,
not ever.

LUKE
It's not the kind of threesome
you were hoping for, I know. But
I've planned it all out. There'll be no
blue on blue action. I'm not against
that per se, but when you add in the
incest....

LUKE shudders and takes a drink from his bottle.

KEVIN
This is for your stupid Blog, isn't it?

LUKE
I'd like some appreciation, Kevin.
I'm inviting you to join me in something
special.

KEVIN
This is your idea of doing me a favour?

LUKE
You don't have the monopoly on benevolence, Kevin.
Your letting me stay here rent free is basically redress
for me letting you share my womb space for eight and
a half months.

KEVIN
Luke, the answer is 'No'. If you really
want a threesome ask some like minded
lunatics off the internet to help you out.

LUKE strides around the room, arms waving.

LUKE
That's your solution to
everything, technology. (mocking)
"Google it, put it in the Sat
Nav, flush the toilet"

KEVIN
Then forget it because I'm not
dragging my girlfriend into a
threesome with you or anyone
else.

LUKE stands and stares at KEVIN. He is full of impotent rage.

LUKE
You selfish, little Bastard!

LUKE walks to his bedroom and slams the door.

INT.RESTAURANT - EVENING

DAY 1 - KEVIN and AMY are standing in the lobby of Romanos
restaurant waiting to be seated.

AMY
I can't believe it!

KEVIN
I know, right? He's getting
pretty desperate.

AMY
No. I can't believe you said no
without checking to see what I
wanted first.

KEVIN
Yeah, I mean there's lube, candles. You
know how rubbish we both are with
logistics.

AMY
I'm serious, Kevin. I'm a
strong-minded, ambitious woman,
not some lone concubine in your
personal Harem. I choose what I'm
going to do.

KEVIN
So...you want to have a threesome
with Luke?

AMY
God no! But that's not the point,
Kevin.

KEVIN pulls AMY close to him and strokes her hair

KEVIN
I'm sorry, Okay? Next time my
deviant Brother tries to involve
us in one of his pathetic
fantasies I'll be sure to check
with you first. Alright?

AMY
It's a start.

KEVIN
Okay, let's forget all this crap.
Tonight it's just You and Me,
okay?

AMY
Erm..

The restaurant door opens. KENDRA strides in
purposefully and approaches KEVIN and AMY.

KENDRA
You're still not seated?
Unacceptable!

AMY
Kevin, this is Kendra, my friend
from the Gym I was telling you
about.

KEVIN holds out his hand to KENDRA

KEVIN
Oh, Nice to meet you, Amy's told
me...

KENDRA
Don't try to crush my hand and do
not kiss me, clear?

KEVIN
.... so many, nice, things about
you. (BEAT) Crystal.

AMY
We're still a bit early, should
only be a couple of minutes now.

KENDRA
(sniffs)Acceptable, I'm
famished.

KEVIN
Oh, so you've booked a table too?

KENDRA
No.

KEVIN
Oh, I think they're pretty fully
booked, might be a while
before.....

AMY and KENDRA stare at KEVIN

KEVIN
Well this should be nice, just
the three of us.

INT.HOUSE - NIGHT

LUKE is sitting in MANDY's living room nursing a can of
lager. MANDY is curled up on the sofa with a can of cider
and her mobile phone.

MANDY
(laughing)
I don't believe it!

LUKE
I know, right? Your lucky day or
what?

MANDY
I was wondering why you'd bought
cider.

LUKE
Never let it be said that Luke
James McArdle doesn't put his
hand in his pocket when he needs
something.

MANDY
Thing is, Luke, I don't want you
settling for second best, it wouldn't
feel right.

LUKE
Family comes first is all, Mandy.
Which makes Kevins betrayal even
harder to swallow.

MANDY
Hey, just think what you would
have had to swallow if he'd said
yes.

LUKE moves uncomfortably in his seat

LUKE
Yeah, have to admit I wasn't too
comfy with the two stags and a
doe thing.

MANDY
Shame you don't have a sister.

LUKE
Yeah, shame. (beat) But then
she'd only have a boyfriend and
I'd be back to square one.

MANDY
Such a shame...

LUKE
Still, no point dwelling on what
might have been. We've got a
menage-a-trois to get down to.

MANDY
Luke, I like you, in that I find
you barely tolerable for short
periods. But I am not in the
habit of shagging people I barely
tolerate and random strangers.

LUKE
Amy's not a stranger!

MANDY
(beat)
You really think Amy is going to
want to sleep with you?

LUKE stands up and looks himself up and down pointing with
both hands.

LUKE
Why? What's wrong with me?

MANDY
She hates you

LUKE
That's her problem.

MANDY
She's your Brothers Girlfriend.

LUKE
That's not my fault.

MANDY
(Beat)
You're a narcissistic,
sex-obsessed man-child.

LUKE
And that's just your opinion,
quite a nasty one by the way. The
fact is there is no logical
reason why a rational woman like
Amy would turn down an
opportunity for no-strings sex
with an all-round more attractive
version of her feckless excuse
for a boyfriend, especially when
there's a bit of sapphic
experimentation thrown in.

MANDY
Wow!

LUKE
Impressive, right?

MANDY
You know what? Sold! Get her
round here tonight and let's get
this on.

LUKE stands up and puts his coat on.

LUKE
I knew you'd see sense, you all
do in the end.

MANDY
How could we not?

MANDY stands up and follows LUKE to the door

LUKE
Get that bed warmed up, light a
few candles, I'll be back soon.

As LUKE opens the door MANDY retrieves a meter key from the fireplace and hands it to LUKE

MANDY
Here, put ten quid on the gas and lec on
your way back. (BEAT) You want the place
warm, right?

INT.RESTAURANT - EVENING

AMY, KEVIN and KENDRA are all seated at a table for two,
they each have a menu.

KEVIN
So, what do you fancy?

KENDRA
(sniff)

AMY
I'm not sure

KEVIN
How about the chicken breast in
mushroom sauce, you like
mushrooms?

KENDRA sniffs again, louder and stares over her menu at
AMY

AMY
(reluctantly authoritative
tone)
Kevin, I am a grown, intelligent
woman, I do not need your input
in choosing my meal.

KEVIN looks confusedly between AMY and KENDRA then looks
back to his menu.

KEVIN
Well, I think I'll have the mixed
grill.

AMY looks down at the table.

AMY
What about Kendra?

KEVIN
You want me to choose Kendras
meal now?

KENDRA
Absolutely not!

AMY
No, Kevin. If you get the mixed
grill then there won't be enough
room on the table for Kendra's
plate.

KEVIN puts down his menu and draws an imaginary line aroud the table with his finger and then points to himself and AMY

KEVIN
That's because this table is a
table for two.

AMY
Don't be rude, Kevin.

KENDRA puts her menu down and looks at KEVIN

KENDRA
By all means, Kevin. Thrust your Man-meat
into my personal space.

KEVIN
What?!

KENDRA
And just so there's no confusion, that was
sarcasm and not an invitation.

AMY
Is that what he's doing? Is this
some kind of male dominance thing?

KEVIN
Excuse me, what?

KENDRA
Basically. He feels threatened by a
strong woman encroaching into his
pathetic little Alpha male territory
so he acts up.

KEVIN
No, not at all.

KENDRA
That sure of yourself, eh?

KEVIN
Look, can we just calm down and
talk.....

KENDRA'S tone becomes hostile and she leans in towards KEVIN who leans away

KENDRA
I don't need to calm down, I'm
not some emotional train-wreck
cliche, Kevin.

KEVIN
I never said you were.

KENDRA
But it's what you were thinking!
It's what you all think.

KEVIN
Amy, can you please explain to.....
this Woman........

KENDRA
This Woman!

KEVIN
......your friend, that I am sure there
is some kind of misunderstanding
and if we can all calm......find
a happy balance then we can
enjoy the rest of the night.

KENDRA
(mocking sweet tone)
Yes, Amy. Do as Daddy tells you.

AMY
I, er, I need to go to the toilet.

AMY stands up and hurries off to the toilet clearly upset. KEVIN looks after her panickedly.

KEVIN
What? No! Wait, you haven't
chosen your food!

AMY
Just pick something for me,
something with mushrooms.

AMY exits. KENDRA is still leaning over KEVIN who is still leaning away from her.

KENDRA
Finally got your own way, hmm?

The WAITER appears and clears his throat

WAITER
Have Sir and Madam chosen their food.

KEVIN
Erm yes, can I get the chicken with Mushroom
for my girlfriend and, erm, a Cesar Salad.

KENDRA flourishes the menu.

KENDRA
And I will have the Mixed Grill.

KEVIN stares daggers at KENDRA. The WAITER stares at the table.

WAITER
Should I take away the candle, Sir?

KENDRA gives the WAITER a hateful look.

KEVIN
Is that okay with you? Or will you
be needing it to burn your bra later?

KENDRA
(smug)
What bra?

WAITER
So I can take the candle?

KENDRA
Yes, but try to do it without trying to
see whether I'm actually wearing a
bra or not.

WAITER
I shall do my best to exercise
restraint, Madam.

The WAITER retrieves the candle, then mouths the words "No bra" to KEVIN and leaves.

INT.RESTAURANT - NIGHT

LUKE is skulking in the lobby for the toilets, AMY walks through the main door.

LUKE
Psst, Amy!

AMY
Luke?

LUKE
I need a favour.

AMY
Luke, I know about the threesome
thing, Kevin already told you, no.

LUKE
You're barking up the wrong tree,
Amy. I don't want a threesome
with you and Kevin either.

AMY
So what do you want?

LUKE
You know Mandy, right?

AMY looks puzzled and then laughs.

AMY
'Handy' Mandy Richardson?
You've got to be kidding?

LUKE
So, no to Mandy?

AMY
It's a no to the whole thing, Luke

LUKE
So you're okay with two guys?
Makes sense. So you just need
to talk to Kevin and........

AMY
Luke, I hate you. You tried to ruin
Matthews life with your shenanigans.

LUKE
Matthew?

AMY
My little brother?! The one you tried to
sleep with.

LUKE
Oh right. Well then this is the
perfect opportunity.

AMY
For what?

LUKE
Revenge sex.

AMY
That's not how revenge sex works, Luke.

LUKE
Then show me, Baby.

AMY
Goodbye, Luke.

AMY walks into the Ladies toilet.

redraft is an improvement, love the restaurant scene and can't wait for Luke to meet Kendra tbh