Army, apparently Page 2

Hi Jordan, couple of things to think of.

As an ex-Scaley myself this is the same kind of thing I tried when I started writing comedy a few years ago. I found it very hard to come up with a story or dialogue that was either relatable for civvies or true to the source material.
Squaddy banter is hilarious to squaddies because we all have the same frame of reference and, as I've found after eight and a half years of being on the dark side, the tone can be considerably lower with said banter.
Speaking of which I really don't think you're going to get away with the way squaddies talk about and treat 'those' women that hover around the camps. For instance the Top Gear Cool Wall style 'Pig Board' we had in Bosnia for the poor, lonely women who were kind/stupid enough to send in lonely hearts letters and photos leaves a bad taste in my mouth many years later.

All that said you can clearly write funny stuff, practice, feedback and research will temper your writing style if you stick at it, I'm sure.

Well the characterisations there and so's the story.

That's a massive improvement and the joke about masking tape is pretty good.

But again the swearing, gets in the way.

And the joke about 2 guys slagging off a fat bird, seem well mean spirited enough to kill laughs.

Have you seen the BBC Scotland series tank commander, or the play Blackwatch.

It's going the right way. But I think you need to think more about how to tell your story, to a prospective audience.

Totally agree with Sean and Soots - the characterisation is much better, but the jokes are pretty distasteful and unfunny I'm afraid. It makes your characters look like sexist, pathetic wankers - and remember, we need to have sympathy/relate to them in some way. At the moment, we hate them both.

Have you seen Bluestone 42? That should help a bit with how soldiers have been portrayed on screen in a comedy.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bluestone_42

Hi Jordan,

This is better, the characters are stronger and you can see the action a bit more clearly. I agree with sootyj, at the moment some the gags seem a tad mean...at the moment the prostitute character doesn't have a voice - she's is a benign beast! It wouldn't take much; perhaps titch is unapologetic about sleeping with her rather than affirming what the others say? Or perhaps she has a cutting remark in return? Address the balance a bit.

I do like the tape gag, and also the registration plate/prehistoric rapist joke. That made me lol. At the mo, the swearing and some of the exchanges make it feel a bit 'boys club' which I understand is the point in many ways. but I think you could temper that a bit perhaps? Like I said previously, this isn't the real world it's yours. Play with it a bit, make us care.

One tiny thing too, don't use "titch is interrupted" etc in the action. It breaks the flow of dialogue and you don't need it - if anything it lessens the effect of interruption!

A definite improvement though keep goin! :-)

Err, what they said really. Don't have much to add. Great effort and a definite improvement.

Just be careful with the less tasteful elements. You can't avoid them, otherwise you'll not have reached your goal of writing about army life, but the ME SHAG bit is funny: original, clever, and - most importantly - it makes the characters vulnerable. We laugh at his idiocy at buying such a lame status symbol which balances out the macho edge, and lets us get away with a prehistoric rape joke. Whereas "hurr hurr, you shagged a fat bird" will just be too crude, clunky and unkind for a lot of people.

How about doing some more undercutting, slong the lines of:

-What did you bring back last night? Ugly, chunky and snored like a pig, I thought the wall would fall down
-She was nice.
-Nice! You see mine, mate? Mine was beautiful, elegant and cultured.
-Mine didn't charge.
-...Call it a draw.

Except much better, obviously

Sorry Jodan. Write about what you know is my advice. I couldn't get past the first few bits really. There weren't really any opportunities for laughter cued. If you are to have an unpleasant yang you need a pleasant ting to counterbalance in some ways. You are not to know but in the opening few interchanges you fell into quite a few pitfalls of the newbie writer. I'd recommend reading some books. The comic toolbox. The main thing though is character. You want to present us with characters that we want to engage with, we don't have to like them but we need to want to spend time with them. Well done for kicking things off, you have to write first to rewrite!

Oh and pick on a name for a character and just use that. Doesn't matter if it's a nick name. Who knows or cares what Triggers real name is.

Quote: Marc P @ 10th January 2015, 2:14 PM GMT

. If you are to have an unpleasant yang you need a pleasant ting

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Sage advice for all areas of life.

Embrace the embrocation!

Quote: Jodan @ 10th January 2015, 7:13 AM GMT

INT. Accomodation block. Morning
A door opens and Private Craig "TITCH" Titcheson is on the other side. His beret and uniform are all dishevelled. He looks tired and hungover. He steps out of his room and into the corridor. Private Phil "PENIS" Nurse follows him out of the room looking fresh and sprightly.

Pte nurse
What the hell did you bring back last night, sounded like you were losing a wrestling match with a grizzly bear. I'd have come to your rescue, but why risk two casulaties

There's a grunt and squeaking of bed springs. Both look into the room where there's a large woman struggling to lift herself up of the bed. She picks up last nights kebab, smells it and starts eating. There's electrical tape all over the floor. Pte Nurse looks back at Pte Titcheson horrified.

Pte titcheson
You're not far off, thought I woke up in a bloody zoo and this time it wasn't for a drunken bet.

PTE NURSE
Well It definitely smells like one in there. Make sure you crack a window.

PTE TITCHESON
To be fair, she didn't look that bad until the tape came off, still I did my duty for crown and regiment. I gave her a good time and then some.

In the background the woman is on the phone talking noisily in a foreign language and making various small penis gestures; moving from holding thumb and forefinger close together, to wiggling her little finger, she laughs corsely.

PTE NURSE
What?! The tape was wrapped around her?

PTE TITCHESON
Yeah, I guess she's conscious about her body or something. Still, it got most of the back hair off. At least She won't need to use her fee for a wax!

Pte Titcheson notices Pte Nurse' face drop, immediately realising he's said too much.

PTE TITCHESON
I mean..

PTE NURSE
Sweet Jesus! You paid for that?!

PTE TITCHESON
She was the cheapest! Haven't your heard whats happened to the Euro,

PTE NURSE
There's little wonder why! Bloody hell Titch, I'm half expecting Attenborough here in a minute to film it's eating habits.

Woman gets up slings kebab in the bin, washes her mouth out with a half finished bottle of voda, kisses Titcheson passionately, ruffles his hair and says something throaty and erotic in a foreign language as she wonders out pulling on her clothes

PTE TITCHESON
Thank God he wasn't here for the mating habits, nobody should have to witness that. She did weird..

Pte Titcheson gets cut off as we hear a door loudly slam downstairs and we hear inaudible shouting. The shouting gets louder and we hear Staff Sergeant Chris McPryce as he comes up the stairs and rounds onto the corridor. Pte Titcheson quickly turns around and locks his room door.

PTE TITCHESEON
She did like me, you know in the cold light day of day maybe she ain't so bad, wondered what she said.

PTE NURSE
I picked up a little Croatian when I was with blue tops in the multinational task force.

PTE TITCHESON
Go on what was it, do I get a second hump for free.

PTE NURSE
Ahoy miniscule injection....that's not right....oh tiny prick, I've stolen your wallet, thanks for 30 seconds..I give you round of applause.

PTE TITCHESON
Not all bad.

PTE NURSE
Sorry, I mean I give you the clap.

Pte Titchseon despondently looks at his empty wallet.

PTE TITCHSEON
Could it get any worse.

SSGT MCPRYCE bursts in

SSGT MCPRYCE
Yes it bloody well could. You think you can leave that shagging mess on my camp?!

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Hope you don't mind I had a crude fiddle with the beginning of the scene, to see how it felt with the lady speaking and Titchesson having a comically small penis,

Quote: sootyj @ 10th January 2015, 3:44 PM GMT

Hope you don't mind I had a crude fiddle

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You wouldn't be the first on these forums Sootyj and sadly, I suspect, you won't be the last!

My fiddling maybe crude, it's also subtle.

It's how I always steal your wallet, you perverted sot.

I just hope to God that's not a euphemism!!!

Quote: sootyj @ 10th January 2015, 3:56 PM GMT

My fiddling maybe crude, it's also subtle.

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Not that subtle! When you fiddled me, I ended up with Rome burns.

Were you drinking at Caffe Nero?

Quote: gappy @ 10th January 2015, 5:12 PM GMT

Not that subtle! When you fiddled me, I ended up with Rome burns.

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Sigh.

Boys.