Quote: Jodan @ 10th January 2015, 7:13 AM GMT
INT. Accomodation block. Morning
A door opens and Private Craig "TITCH" Titcheson is on the other side. His beret and uniform are all dishevelled. He looks tired and hungover. He steps out of his room and into the corridor. Private Phil "PENIS" Nurse follows him out of the room looking fresh and sprightly.
Pte nurse
What the hell did you bring back last night, sounded like you were losing a wrestling match with a grizzly bear. I'd have come to your rescue, but why risk two casulaties
There's a grunt and squeaking of bed springs. Both look into the room where there's a large woman struggling to lift herself up of the bed. She picks up last nights kebab, smells it and starts eating. There's electrical tape all over the floor. Pte Nurse looks back at Pte Titcheson horrified.
Pte titcheson
You're not far off, thought I woke up in a bloody zoo and this time it wasn't for a drunken bet.
PTE NURSE
Well It definitely smells like one in there. Make sure you crack a window.
PTE TITCHESON
To be fair, she didn't look that bad until the tape came off, still I did my duty for crown and regiment. I gave her a good time and then some.
In the background the woman is on the phone talking noisily in a foreign language and making various small penis gestures; moving from holding thumb and forefinger close together, to wiggling her little finger, she laughs corsely.
PTE NURSE
What?! The tape was wrapped around her?
PTE TITCHESON
Yeah, I guess she's conscious about her body or something. Still, it got most of the back hair off. At least She won't need to use her fee for a wax!
Pte Titcheson notices Pte Nurse' face drop, immediately realising he's said too much.
PTE TITCHESON
I mean..
PTE NURSE
Sweet Jesus! You paid for that?!
PTE TITCHESON
She was the cheapest! Haven't your heard whats happened to the Euro,
PTE NURSE
There's little wonder why! Bloody hell Titch, I'm half expecting Attenborough here in a minute to film it's eating habits.
Woman gets up slings kebab in the bin, washes her mouth out with a half finished bottle of voda, kisses Titcheson passionately, ruffles his hair and says something throaty and erotic in a foreign language as she wonders out pulling on her clothes
PTE TITCHESON
Thank God he wasn't here for the mating habits, nobody should have to witness that. She did weird..
Pte Titcheson gets cut off as we hear a door loudly slam downstairs and we hear inaudible shouting. The shouting gets louder and we hear Staff Sergeant Chris McPryce as he comes up the stairs and rounds onto the corridor. Pte Titcheson quickly turns around and locks his room door.
PTE TITCHESEON
She did like me, you know in the cold light day of day maybe she ain't so bad, wondered what she said.
PTE NURSE
I picked up a little Croatian when I was with blue tops in the multinational task force.
PTE TITCHESON
Go on what was it, do I get a second hump for free.
PTE NURSE
Ahoy miniscule injection....that's not right....oh tiny prick, I've stolen your wallet, thanks for 30 seconds..I give you round of applause.
PTE TITCHESON
Not all bad.
PTE NURSE
Sorry, I mean I give you the clap.
Pte Titchseon despondently looks at his empty wallet.
PTE TITCHSEON
Could it get any worse.
SSGT MCPRYCE bursts in
SSGT MCPRYCE
Yes it bloody well could. You think you can leave that shagging mess on my camp?!
Hope you don't mind I had a crude fiddle with the beginning of the scene, to see how it felt with the lady speaking and Titchesson having a comically small penis,