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First few scenes of a series/dramedy
I think you write well.
The voices are all distinct.
The dialogue is funny - clever funny, if you know what I mean.
You establish the plot really early - again top marks.
And I like the use of call-backs in the flash-backs (again if you know w hat I mean!)
You don't over explain - you let the reader do a bit of work.
Is it a bit complicated at the opening?
Not sure - theres' an argument for either making the Jaques & his hippy wife scene longer - so it doesn't feel we cut away from them quite so quick and for quite so long OR moving it a little later so that we open with George - who I guess is the protagonist...
Might be worth trying several ways.The whole script is very readable and one can 'see' it.
Good stuff.
Thanks Lazzard, that's really kind. I start losing judgement on whether dialogue is any good or not after 100 or so reads!
George is the protagonist yes, and it's interesting what you say about the opening scene. I had it opening with George at the bus stop previously, and added the scene with Jacques and Marie in. Seems there's a good case for cutting it altogether? My reasoning was, that I wanted George to 'arrive' in a situation we were already familiar with/set up the dynamic between his parents.
Perhaps I'll try re-writing it before losing it, but thankyou - my instinct was that it wasn't right either, so it's useful having confirmation!
I'm glad you liked the flashbacks - I've been struggling with those!
Don't rush into cutting that scene.
It's nice the way you establish someone's coming before discovering who
As I say, if anything, string it out a little longer - show us the 'normality' that he's about to upset.
If I recall, John Candy doesn't turn up until a good 10-15 minutes into Uncle Buck....
Good luck.
It did feel a bit over complicated for me at the moment at the start and I think you need to make a decision between comedy and drama as it is very sitcom at the start. I can see it though as Lazzard says.
Also my shaky hands have never been a problem as far as foreplay is concerned!
Quote: Marc P @ 9th January 2015, 3:36 PM GMTAlso my shaky hands have never been a problem as far as foreplay is concerned!
Yes, shouldn't that joke be the other way round? - " ...on the plus side..." etc etc
Thanks Marc appreciate the feedback, I think we can safely say the opening needs graft!
I know what you mean about it feeling sitcom-like in parts too. I suppose I'm trying to write something that falls between the two stools, which may be a (huge) mistake. I think I'll pay someone to review the script as a whole when I'm happy, it'll be easier to judge whether it holds together as a whole.
I did think about the shaky hands thing being an 'advantage'. I suppose once you've negotiated the bra....
This is very well written and had me hooked. I wouldnt say that its hilariously funny but I think it suits your style. The jokes are subtle and occur very naturally. I would definitely read more. Nice work.
Quote: Wills @ 9th January 2015, 3:51 PM GMTI suppose once you've negotiated the bra....
...and there's your gag!
No - keep at it.
You can obviously write for the screen, which is great.
A lot of people just can't, and don't realise/won't be told how far off from being any good they are.
Quote: Wills @ 9th January 2015, 3:51 PM GMTI suppose I'm trying to write something that falls between the two stools, which may be a (huge) mistake.
As to paying someone my fees are slightly negotiable! But you know... not much. I am after some new lenses for my new camera though.
never miss a trick do you Marc! Do you have a tariff, or a link to the lens you're hankering after?
That line's already been incorporated, thanks Lazzard. I wrote it on here without considering it. Doh!
Thanks Otterfox, very kind. I don't think I could ever write a pure sitcom with brilliant gags at every turn - alas it just ain't in me. Wish it was! Still, I hope upon a second, third, fourth draft there'll be a few more laughs.
Snip indeed! Very nice of you to offer me a 21% discount in the process :-) It's a nice lens to be sure...do you have a Canon 5D or the like? Excellent cameras.
For the cost you can't beat a good 50mm prime lens though. The depth of field and colour you get is amazing. Now those, you can get for about £80.00
Err it is a 50mm prime lens lol. and yes you have the right of the matter a mark iii my Christmas present to myself.
oops have forgotten how to shrink, still it is nice at that size 
whoops haha! It's a beast, assumed it had 'moving parts'. I've got a really old prime and fashioned an adapter for it. Glass is glass n all - takes a neat shot.
Awww I'm a massive pooch fan, he/she's a lovely pup. Nice big finger in the shot there too! Was this post sherry?