British Comedy Guide

1st Scene Of New Dramedy

Hi Everyone,

If anyone has the time to read the first scene of a dramedy I've been working on I would very much appreciate it and would love your feedback! I'm looking to polish it up to enter into writing competitions or perhaps approach agents with (although at 21 I really have zero idea how to go about doing that!)

Thanks (apologies for the length)

Orchard Boy
By Ranald Nisbet ©

Pilot: "A Fun Time Evening"

Characters:

HARRY:- Well meaning quieter member of the group, confused about his sexuality and a little shy.

EZRA:- Down to earth and cool, permanently in a relationship.

CONNOR:- Resident space head and follower of Stuart.

STUART:- Tall dark and handsome, father figure of the group with endless amounts of confidence.

HAYLEY:- Ezra's girlfriend, well meaning and friendly but the butt of many jokes.

POPPY:- Harry's love interest, cute and cheerful but with dark sense of humour.

[Scene One]

[Scene One]

Int. HARRY's bedroom. CVURCHES "We Sink" is playing loudly and HARRY is dancing in his pants around the room as he gets changed. He jumps and hops around the room, at one point falling over trying to put a t-shirt on inside out by putting his head through the head hole and pulling it down.

Cut to Int. STUART's bedroom. STUART is putting on aftershave and looking at his abs in the mirror. He checks for a good thirty seconds, tensing, smiling, then smouldering, then growling, then clicking and pointing at himself in the mirror and slapping his own stomach.

Cut to Int. EZRA's bedroom, he tries to get out of bed but HAYLEY pulls him back down and kisses him, the giggle and roll around. HAYLEY gets up and EZRA pulls her back down and unclips her bra.

Cut to Int. CONNOR's bedroom. CONNOR pulls all the socks off of a clothes horse and puts them in 2 piles of random socks and begins pairing only odd socks.

Cut to Int. Bathroom, camera focuses on bathroom mirror, we see HARRY washing his face and drying it. He leans in and checks his teeth trying to pick out a blemish. Camera follows him into the hall where he runs into CONNOR.

CONNOR

Wow slow down there little lady, what's your hurry?

CONNOR grabs HARRY and dances with him round and round in a fast sort of waltz.

HARRY

Connor, get off!

CONNOR

Why?

HARRY

Every morning...

CONNOR

I'll let go if you make me coffee.

HARRY

Every morning.

CONNOR

Yay! Thank you!

CONNOR twirls HARRY away and goes into the bathroom, Camera follows HARRY downstairs into the kitchen living room where EZRA and HAYLEY are eating breakfast.

HARRY

Morning

HAYLEY

Hey!

EZRA

Mhm

HAYLEY

Why are you such a grump in the morning?

EZRA

Mhm

HAYLEY

EZ!

EZRA

What?

HARRY

Coffee?

EZRA

Mhm

HAYLEY

Please!

HARRY begins making coffee in a top loader coffee machine.

HARRY

Ezra have you got that 10 quid you owe me for dinner the other night? [no response] Hey Ezra have you got that one million Canadian dollars you said you'd give me for Christmas 1992? [No response] Hey Ezra do you wanna take advantage of new marriage laws and run away together to start a dog farm up north? [no response] Ezra? EZRA?

HAYLEY

Babe my boobs are out.

EZRA

No they're not.

HARRY

Dude wake up its nine thirty!

EZRA

Nine thirty is so un-holy.

HAYLEY

We've already had sex this morning...

HARRY

Didn't need to know that.

HAYLEY

How are you so tired!

EZRA

I used all my energy already.

HARRY

You want pancakes?

EZRA

Are you going to make them for me?

HARRY

No, but Hayley might.

HAYLEY

Hayley will pour you a bowl of shop brand chocolate o's?

EZRA

Okay.

Stuart Enters.

STUART

Morning guys!

EZRA

Mhm

STUART

What's up with him?

HARRY

He had sex this morning and now he's tired.

STUART

Hard life you lead bro, is there enough coffee for me?

HARRY

Yeah loads no worries.

HAYLEY

Anyone else want cereal while I'm here?

HARRY

Now you're sure you don't fancy making us all pancakes?

STUART

OOhh pancakes would be so delicious for a Friday morning treat?

EZRA

Stop trying to make Hayley make you breakfast.

HARRY

But we're so hungry!

STUART

Yeah dude, she shags you, so that's how she pays you back for the heating and electricity and the space on the sky box she fills up with re runs of real housewives and gossip girl...

HAYLEY

Hey!

STUART

What do we get out of it?

HARRY

And I share a wall with you two and your headboard banging against it makes it hard to get to sleep.

HAYLEY

Christ fine I'll make pancakes.

HARRY

Nailed it. [high fiving Stuart]

CONNOR enters talking to someone on his ipad

CONNOR

So she threw up on it? [person replies, we can't here as he has earphones in and is talking excitedly] Nah way like there's no way that's true [to everyone else] Sam says Blowjob Karen threw up on Jamie's dick in Garage. [to the phone] Why can't I tell them? They don't even know Blow Job Karen [pause for response] Okay sorry, Blow Job Katie.

HARRY

Blowjob Katie threw up on Jamie? That's class.

EZRA

Probably not for Jamie, imagine trying to wash Blowjob Karen's spew out of your pubes.

CONNOR

No, blowjob Katie's spew [to phone] I'm not talking to you. Right I've got to go [pause for response] Yeah love you too mum!

HAYLEY

How does your mum know blow job Karen!?!

CONNOR

Katie.

HARRY

Blowjob Katie, just Katie is actually pretty nice.

HAYLEY

This isn't normal.

EZRA

They're f**king with you babe.

STUART

Whose f**king with EZ's babe? Don't be mean to babe she means a lot to him! Was it you Harry? You know babe's sensitive! [kisses Hayley on the head on his way by] Sorry babe they didn't mean it they're just silly boys.

EZRA

Ha ha ha Stu.

HAYLEY

[Smugly] You're just pissed because he doesn't call any of you nice names

CONNOR

He does

HARRY

[Putting his hand up] Schnoocums

STUART

[Hand up] Sweetie

CONNOR

[hand up] Sugar tits

Hayley looks at EZRA confused as if to say "are they f**king with me again?" EZRA shoots a glance back that says "yes"

CONNOR

So is anyone else going to mention the incessant thumping from Harry's room this morning?

STUART

[while making cereal] What thumping?

HARRY

Nothing. [embarrassed]

EZRA

Hayley counted three separate occurrences of the "thumping".

HAYLEY

Four actually. [jostling with Stuart to get milk for cereal]

CONNOR

Four times!

HARRY

No, not four times, anyway it's none of your business.

STUART

Oohhhhh, is it because of that thing you were chatting about yesterday?

CONNOR

[Excitedly] What thing, what thing, what thing?

HARRY

No things, there are no things here.

EZRA

Not surprised, after four times in an hour it must have fallen off.

Only Hayley laughs at the joke

STUART

Well...

HARRY

[reproachful] Don't.

STUART

Harry has been having a little problem recently. [points at Harry with his spoon]

HARRY

Please don't.

STUART

You guys know he's been trying to crack on to pebbles?

HARRY

[exasperated] Don't call her pebbles. [slumps onto the couch with a coffee]

HAYLEY

Pebbles?

CONNOR

It always looks like she's got pebbles in her bra if you know what I mean.

HARRY

[getting annoyed] No it doesn't.

HAYLEY

Yeah that's not possible, I'm gonna be a doctor and there is no way a woman's nipples can be hard all the time. It's a physical impossibility.

STUART

Again with the doctor thing!

CONNOR

[pretending to be angry] No one cares Hales.

EZRA

Guys, come on...

HARRY

Either way it's not all the time.

STUART

Well it's a lot of the time.

EZRA

[in-between bites of apple] Maybe she has bad circulation or something.

CONNOR

[Pointing with his cereal spoon at his own nipples] Maybe she should wear a cardigan.

HAYLEY

It's 2014 no one wears cardigans.

HARRY

Loads of people wear cardigans the librarian on the third floor wears one every day.

STUART

You can't cite her as an example, she's 63 with a lazy eye.

HARRY

So?

CONNOR

People with lazy eyes don't count.

EZRA

Why?

CONNOR

She can't see what she puts on in the morning.

HARRY

Nah she definitely can.

EZRA

Yeah she probably just has to tilt her head to the side a little. [he demonstrates]

HAYLEY

Ezra that's horrible!

STUART

Anyway, Harry is trying to crack on to pebbles.

HARRY

Her name is Poppy.

CONNOR

[through a cough] Pebbles.

STUART

So he's trying to seal the deal with this girl.

HAYLEY

I thought you'd already taken her out on dates?

HARRY

I have.

HAYLEY

But you haven't slept with her yet?

HARRY

No.

STUART

Nope he has not.

CONNOR

How long has it been then?

HARRY

Not that long...

STUART

[quietly into his cereal] Four months.

HARRY

[angrily] DUDE!

EZRA

Wow four months?

HAYLEY

That's long.

CONNOR

Like... really long.

EZRA

I had it four minutes ago.

Hayley smacks him on the arm

HARRY

Don't rub it in.

STUART

So he thinks maybe at the party tonight it might happen.

HAYLEY

Well that sounds romantic.

CONNOR

[in a wistful tone like someone reading a romance novel] Ah yes, and under the heady glow of a fading high and nine beers, he mounted her...

HARRY

[angrily] DUDE!

STUART

Well young Harry here has a little problem.

HARRY

For the love of God don't!

EZRA

Please do!

CONNOR

Yeah why not, it's only Harry.

STUART

He can't finish when he's drunk.

Harry puts his head in his hands embarrassed and begins to explain through them

HARRY

It's not a big deal it just doesn't work when I'm drunk.

CONNOR

That happens to everyone, well most people, I've heard it happens to some people... I think.

HARRY

[sitting up] Well gee thanks that makes me feel much better.

CONNOR

Welcome. [dothing an imaginary hat]

HARRY

So I thought maybe if I got really close this morning a few times then stopped...

STUART

It might "cum" a little sooner tonight.

HAYLEY

She's not going to sleep with you at a party, she hasn't after dates or after nights out the past few weeks so its not gonna happen tonight, trust me.

CONNOR

You don't know that.

HAYLEY

I'm...

STUART

[Interrupting] A doctor?

They all laugh except for Hayley

HAYLEY

[pointedly] A girl... so I know that if she hasn't yet it's because she wants to make it good. So drunk at a house party probably isn't the way.

HARRY

I just wanted to be prepared...

EZRA

Maybe just don't get so drunk?

STUART

Even one beer and little Harry cant... [Miming masturbating] blast off.

HARRY

Seriously, I'm not telling you jack shit anymore Stu.

STUART

Aw don't be a baby they might be able to help... [looks around and sees only shaking heads] I guess not.

HARRY

Okay f**k you guys I'm going to class.

EZRA

Okay but maybe have quick go before you head out? Maybe you can shave a few seconds off your time tonight.

They all laugh, Harry leaves the room giving the finger over his shoulder

CONNOR

Right. Party plans!

Interesting you've made a real effort to differentiate all the characters and they all feel quite different.

The silent intro good, very good actually.

I like how the characters interact and there's a nice neat joke about a tenner, that bounces from Harry to Ezra and Hayley working on all of their interactions.

But at some point the action stops

And they sit around ping ponging conversation between each other.

I think it's good but you can get the story started a little sooner.

Thanks for the feedback, I might remove the part about Harry's "problem" and move onto the next scene faster!

Weres the next scene?

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