My first stand-up script. Someone edit please??

Sound everyone!
I know what your thinking as I swagger onto the stage. Yes, I look like Marv from home alone. This subject was brought up on a date I had, she says to me, "you remind me of Marv from home alone" confused I ask "whys that?" She replys "your hairstyle and fashion sense" I told her to "suck her nan" because I'm nothing like Marv from home alone, so next night I burgled her house.
I am a hit on the ladies I think, I was chatting up one fit bird at a house party, I think she wanted it. Well..... I say 'chatting'... She asked me where the toilet was. When it comes to pulling girls, the only way I pull is by pulling them down a dark lane.
I joke, I am a nice kid. I've been lectured a lot in my life with very wise words. An old man once said to me, "what you give is what you get" I took them wise words in and thought of them deeply. I decided to put his theory to the test , gave him and uppercut and ran off.
Thankyou!
My first script so can you tell me what I need to improve and maybe edit it a little thanks

Personally, I am not a massive fan of rape jokes. But each to their own.

But with stand up, there is no substitute for getting out there and doing your stuff. If it flops, scrap it and write something better.

I would also work on your persona - on the basis of those three jokes you are a violent, house burgling sex offender.

Do you need a lawyer at all?

This is a windup isn't it.

speechless.

I have a different sense of humour but thanks for your feedback guys and lasses

So is it good or is it not?

Sorry Conner my reply wasn't helpful. Each to their own, but this isn't my cup of tea at all I'm afraid.

I don't know why I'm picking on this bit, but It's awfully odd to pluck an early 90s reference in 'marv' from home alone, so you can crow bar a burglary gag in there. Stuff like 'I told her to suck her nan' just isn't funny with zero irony built in. The rest follows suit. I hope as sootyj said, this is a wind up???

If not, My advice would If you're a fan of comedians who go close to the bone, as it were, watch someone like Louis ck. Then compare his material to yours.

Thanks and no this is not a wind up and I actually do look like Marv

Quote: connor King @ 8th January 2015, 9:03 PM GMT

So is it good or is it not?

View original

It's not, I am afraid. Head back to the drawing board. Go and watch some stand up. Even better, read Jon Vorhaus' "Comedy Writing 4 Life" for ideas.

Quote: Wills @ 8th January 2015, 9:13 PM GMT

so you can crow bar a burglary gag in there.

View original

Now that's funny

They do say that one mans meat is another mans poison. But that sounds like shit to me. Think of the health and safety implications.

I think Conner (and correct me if I'm wrong) is a young lad. At least he's writing at all!

No. It's better not to write really offensive shit than it is to write anything. Let's not pussyfoot around. Rape jokes are crass. They are made by idiots for the enjoyment of people less intelligent than themselves. Most open mic nights have acts doing rape jokes. These acts may get laughs from morons but I say "aim higher".

People have been kind and given you the benefit of the doubt. You deserve that. But we deserve you to come back with something on return that isn't as bad as your first effort.

I'm 15 years of age, so Is this a good a good script not so much the jokes but the layout and everything

And thanks for the feedback

I really wouldn't worry about format. Just worry about content. It's a struggle to give you feedback really Connor, as what you've written there doesn't resemble comedy in any shape or form.

Which stand ups do you like? Transcribe some of your favourite 'bits' and examine them. Why are they funny? Why does it resonate with you/your perspective on the world? Where's the subversion? Why have they used the language they have?

Connor/Dapper, usually the rule is the darker the subject matter is (offensive, that is), the funnier you have to be. Unfortunately, this isn't funny, so if you want to avoid humiliation on news night be smarter about your writing. But well f**king done for actually writing something if you aren't a troll and actually are 15. Badge is right. Give us something more, show us something funny. Take heed, I look forward to your next post.

Thanks everyone !