That's doesn't usually happen

I previously loved this sketch, but I've just finished editing a sketch we filmed that DOES NOT WORK WHATSOEVER due to really obvious stuff I really should have seen (potentially salvageable but iffy, I'll post when I've done editing) and have as such promised myself I will get criticism before I do anything ever again.

So the idea is: Man tells a joke on a date that goes well, date starts to get awkward, man re-employs joke, addicted to positive feedback continues to rely on said joke to get through date, until eventually joke becomes true.

Let me know if that actually comes across...

scene 1. int. hallway. evening.

Doorbell rings. Young MAN, dressed for a date, opens door to young WOMAN - also dressed for a date.

They kiss on the cheek.

Man

Come in.

cut to:

scene 2. int. kitchen. evening

MAN and WOMAN walk in.

A large lemonade bottle is on the side.

man

Let me get you a large lemonade.

woman

Well, I hope you do everything large...

MAN begins opening lemonade, staring into her eyes.

The lemonade opens and fizzes DRAMATICALLY, gushing up to the ceiling and soaking the room.

MAN and WOMAN stare at gently dying bubbles.

man

That doesn't usually happen.

WOMAN laughs hysterically

MAN laughs over-excitedly.

MAN

(voiceover)

I'm funny...

cut to:

scene 3. int. dining room. evening

WOMAN and MAN sit eating at dining room table. A wine bottle sits in the centre of the table.

MAN

So we all go along to this clothes shop, and he wasn't there, so we we're like 'where's Pete?', you know, so I phoned him and it turned out he didn't say meet me at the clothes shop, he said meet me at Lowestoft.

MAN laughs.

WOMAN smiles politely and looks down at her plate.

MAN starts opening wine bottle.

...because he was in a different town...

Wine bottle fizzes DRAMATICALLY.

Both stare at the liquid.

man

(tentatively)

That doesn't usually happen?

WOMAN laughs hysterically.

MAN laughs over-excitedly.

cut to:

scene 4. int. KITCHEN. evening

MAN grabs cans of coke, beer and other fizzy drinks from the fridge and shakes them vigorously.

cut to:

scene 5. int. living room. evening

MAN and WOMAN sit on sofa.

MAN opens can after can of fizzy drink, each of which fizz out explosively.

WOMAN laughs hysterically.

MAN laughs over-excitedly.

MAN

That doesn't usually happen! It doesn't usually happen! This is unusual! That doesn't usually happen! It's not normal!

cut to:

SCene 6. int. living room. later

WOMAN and MAN sit on a sofa watching a film.

WOMAN jumps at something on the screen and grabs MAN's arm.

Their eyes lock.

MAN and WOMAN slowly lean in to kiss.

Just before their lips touch, MAN's crotch fizzes DRAMATICALLY.

He screams in pain.

WOMAN watches the fizz blankly.

Eventually, it dies down.

MAN whimpers pathetically.

woman

Does that usually happen?

MAN whimpers pathetically.

WOMAN picks up her handbag to leave.

fade out

MAN

Could you get me an ambulance please?

END

You filmed this? Wow, quite an undertaking.

I really like the manic section, but I'm not sure about the ending. Don;t know what I'd offer instead though.

Quote: gappy @ 4th January 2015, 2:56 PM GMT

You filmed this? Wow, quite an undertaking.

I really like the manic section, but I'm not sure about the ending. Don;t know what I'd offer instead though.

View original

We didn't film this one. We're going to film this one, but wanted to check it first.

When you say ending - do you mean the crotch fizz or the way she reacts?

Quote: sglen @ 4th January 2015, 2:57 PM GMT

We didn't film this one. We're going to film this one, but wanted to check it first.

When you say ending - do you mean the crotch fizz or the way she reacts?

View original

Sory, I misread your intro, apologies. It seems like a really tough gig, to film this. But, I say this having never filmed anything in my life, not even on a phone, so I don't realy know what I'm talking about.

By "ending", I meant having his crotch fizz like shaken champagne. Despite being a devil to create on film, I don't know if I really like it enough - just sort of instinctively, not really with any explanation I can offer of why. I do quite like the bathos of "can you call me an ambulance?", though.

Essentially, I don't have any real critique to offer, I just don't really like the last bit, but I do rather like the rest - and I can't think of an alternative ending, either. Should have kept my mouth shut really, not that helpful.

Quote: gappy @ 4th January 2015, 3:04 PM GMT

Sory, I misread your intro, apologies. It seems like a really tough gig, to film this. But, I say this having never filmed anything in my life, not even on a phone, so I don't realy know what I'm talking about.

By "ending", I meant having his crotch fizz like shaken champagne. Despite being a devil to create on film, I don't know if I really like it enough - just sort of instinctively, not really with any explanation I can offer of why. I do quite like the bathos of "can you call me an ambulance?", though.

Essentially, I don't have any real critique to offer, I just don't really like the last bit, but I do rather like the rest - and I can't think of an alternative ending, either. Should have kept my mouth shut really, not that helpful.

View original

No! No! Immensely helpful!

We've actually done some dry runs of trying to make fizz by the way and it works well Looks funny just watching big fizz, but that might be because I'm a child.

Seriously, really helpful just to be told what does and doesn't work. Do not wish to have the stomach sinking feeling of 'Oh God, this is shit...' straight after spending a lot of time filming it again I seriously nearly cried.

I think this one's set like concrete in my head so I might have to wait for someone else to come along and point out any fallacies they can see.

If I hadn't have nervously explained the concept of the sketch above it, do you reckon you would have 'got' what was going on? Anything confusing about the premise?

Oh no, I definitely followed it all. I don't think clarity or concision is a problem at all.

Concision? Conciseness?

Out of your recent batch this is the one I really like

the only problem is the punchline would be funnier, if the lead up was more naturalistic

also you run past the punchline a little. His comedy premature ejaculation is funny enough everything else is running 27 miles in a marathon.

Quote: sootyj @ 4th January 2015, 6:59 PM GMT

Out of your recent batch this is the one I really like

the only problem is the punchline would be funnier, if the lead up was more naturalistic

also you run past the punchline a little. His comedy premature ejaculation is funny enough everything else is running 27 miles in a marathon.

View original

Thanks

And also haha - that's one vote for 'everything except the ejaculation is good' and one vote for 'keep the ejaculation and tone down everything else'.

I've lost trust my opinion on this one, I'm afraid, I've looked at it too much. I might just canvas as many people as possible. I'm inclined towards Sooty's advice, though, as my main worry wasn't the ejaculation ending but the run-up. I might just bash it out with a few people first. I want to make sure it's right before spending too long producing it.

If it's visual I could picture it nicely.

I think you need to get there faster to give it more impact.

Quote: sootyj @ 4th January 2015, 7:19 PM GMT

I think you need to get there faster to give it more impact.

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The really good thing about that is that I could always skip some stuff in the edit...

But then if the writing's not right that won't work. Do you reckon the wine bottle scene is a bit too much early on? It's a bit surreal, because wine...wouldn't...would it?

Perhaps I could have the conversation dying and him secretly shaking a can of something under the table and presenting the fizz to impress her and just show him escalating that a bit?

Quote: sglen @ 4th January 2015, 8:26 PM GMT

Do you reckon the wine bottle scene is a bit too much early on? It's a bit surreal, because wine...wouldn't...would it?

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I assumed you meant sparkling wine.

Quote: sglen @ 4th January 2015, 8:26 PM GMT

The really good thing about that is that I could always skip some stuff in the edit...

But then if the writing's not right that won't work. Do you reckon the wine bottle scene is a bit too much early on? It's a bit surreal, because wine...wouldn't...would it?

Perhaps I could have the conversation dying and him secretly shaking a can of something under the table and presenting the fizz to impress her and just show him escalating that a bit?

View original

as long as its sparkling wine its fine, if you start suggesting he can make anything fizz its to weird.

a joke might be he keeps splashes her top?