Any thoughts...?

SCENE 1. LIVING ROOM. INT. DAY. (MONDAY)

THE FLAT IS IN ITS USUAL BARELY LIVEABLE STATE. MESS AND MOUNTAINS OF LUCKY STRIKE BOXES STACKED EVERYWHERE.

MATT (26), OVERWEIGHT AND BEARDED, IS ASLEEP ON THE SOFA UNDER A BLANKET, NOT VISIBLE.

JIM (35), A GAUNT HACK, ENTERS DRESSED FOR WORK.

JIM:
Where’s my notepad?

JIM TAKES A DIRTY FORK FROM INSIDE A DISCARDED POT NOODLE CARTON AND JABS THE BLANKET. MATT POPS UP. HE HAS A PAIR OF LACY KNICKERS ON HIS HEAD, EYES SHOWING OUT THE HOLES.

MATT:
Oh, for-! What the-!

JIM:
You’ve got my pad. I’m in court in half an hour.

MATT:
Jim, I’m trying to get some sleep here.

JIM:
Notepad - now, or I’ll call the landlord and tell him Spidertramp’s leaking web-fluid on his sofa.

MATT REMOVES THE KNICKERS

MATT:
Must’ve nodded off.

MATT FINDS THE NOTEPAD IN THE RECESSES OF HIS BLANKET. JIM INSPECTS THE PAD AND THE ATTACHED PEN, NOW EXTREMELY CHEWED, WITH DISAPPROVAL.

JIM:
Don’t want to know. (READING) Shopping list: Pot noodle, pot noodle, pot noodle, pot noodle, pot noodle, vodka. (LOOKS UP) Noodle has two “o”s.

MATT:
I need help, Jim. I’ve got problems.

JIM:
You’ve got a talent for stating the obvious.

MATT:
I’m serious, Jim. I think I’ve gone impotent.

REACTION FROM JIM.

OPENING CREDITS.

This scene may be familiar to many of you. I've redrafted this sitcom episode quite a bit and put more jokes in the beginning section. Interested to know if people understand the Spidertramp visual, or, indeed, care to read any more from this intro.

Better sharper, faster sets the scene well, nice use of humour, and good gag ratio. But a brave move to stick with slob and neat guy share a flat, slob annoys neat guy, and calls him up tight. It's good though.

Seems pretty much the same as the previous version.

Obviously we'd need to see more to give a proper critique, but I don't think there's enough strong jokes and the dynamic is uninteresting.

Quote: Seefacts @ February 26, 2008, 4:21 PM

Seems pretty much the same as the previous version.

Obviously we'd need to see more to give a proper critique, but I don't think there's enough strong jokes and the dynamic is uninteresting.

View original

I don't think you'd like it whatever I did to it!
Did you understand the Spiderman reference though (with the knickers on his head he looks like Spiderman)? because if you didn't I may need to add a line of explanation in the direction.

Quote: James Williams @ February 26, 2008, 4:28 PM

I don't think you'd like it whatever I did to it!
Did you understand the Spiderman reference though (with the knickers on his head he looks like Spiderman)? because if you didn't I may need to add a line of explanation in the direction.

View original

Yeah, I got the reference, that's fine. I wouldn't add an explanation, unless you get another joke out of it.

i don't think the spiderman/tramp joke would really work. unless they were spiderman under pants maybe. the premise of clean person, tidy person has been a bit overworked i think.

not really my cup of tea, don't seem to be that many "funnies" in it for me, but that may just be this scene. post some more of it up for us to have a look at.

I could take a picture of myself with my girlfriend's pants on to demonstrate how very like Spiderman it makes one look, but I don't think I will.

The clean/dirty "odd couple" dynamic is not core to the piece.

I'll post up the next scene but I have no hopes of rave reviews! I posted the first draft a short while ago and most people didn't "get" it.

SCENE 2. LIVING ROOM. INT. DAY. (MONDAY)

FOLLOWING PREVIOUS SCENE.

NERVY, BESPECTACLED DAVE (24) ENTERS.

DAVE:
Morning.

JIM:
It is.

DAVE:
So, err, what’s the news today?

JIM:
Matt’s impotent.

MATT:
Don’t tell him!

JIM:
Why did you tell me?! (TO DAVE) There’s a rapist up at three; that might be fun.

DAVE:
Erm, look, Jim, I wondered if I could borrow some money. You know, with the rent, and…

JIM:
No. You’d probably lose it - just like you lost your job.

DAVE:
Well, it’s a disciplinary review. It’s not as easy as it looks, being a recruitment consultant. Nobody wanted to take any of the jobs I offered them – in fact most of them were at work when I rang.

WE HEAR POLICE SIRENS. JIM INSTANTLY INTERESTED.

JIM:
That’s a story.

DAVE:
I hope it’s nothing serious.

JIM:
I do. Maybe someone’s been murdered.

JIM CRANES TO LOOK OUT OF THE CURTAINS BUT IT IS TOO LATE.

JIM (CONT):
Damn. Might be something. Dave, you’re going to court for me.

DAVE:
Sorry?

JIM:
I can’t be in two places at once. Toddle off down there and get everything that’s said - everything. No mistakes or it’s your neck.

DAVE:
Why me?! I can’t even write quickly enough.

JIM:
Use the voice recorder on your mobile.

DAVE:
I can’t do it Jim. (THINKS) Can’t you get sent to prison for taking recording equipment into court?

JIM:
Don’t be an idiot. (BEAT) They don’t enforce it anyway, just be careful… I’ll pay you.

DAVE:
Oh, right. Why can’t I be the one who investigates the sirens?

JIM:
Because you couldn’t investigate the inside of your eyelids. Journalism means talking to people; asking the right questions. I may as well send Rain Man. No, you sit in court, put your recorder on – it’s foolproof. Or I wouldn’t be asking you.

DAVE:
Jim, honestly, this does not sound foolproof. This has got “prison sentence” written all over it - in really scary handwriting. Besides, my phone’s broken.

MATT:
I thought you had it fixed?

IRRITATED REACTION FROM DAVE

DAVE:
And I don’t even know if it has a recorder on it.

MATT:
Don’t sweat it, man! You can borrow mine. It’s new, right. It’s got everything. Gadgets, gizmos - camera, speakerphone - voice recorder.

DAVE:
(EXASPERATED) Wow, thanks Matt!

JIM:
Does it work?

MATT:
I road-tested it yesterday.

JIM:
What did that involve? Listening to all the ring tones?

MATT:
There’s some good ones actually. Here you are – you’ll never believe it - (DEMONSTRATES) - a dripping tap! Absolute genius. (SHOWS JIM THE MOBILE)

JIM:
Chinese have got a sense of humour then. Must be from writing out all those Christmas cracker slips.

MATT IS BOBBING HIS HEAD IN TIME TO THE DRIPPING TAP SOUND.

JIM (CONT):
God knows why you need a mobile, Matt. Quasimodo got out more than you. I could superglue your phone to the side of the TV and you wouldn’t complain.

MATT:
Pointless anyway, it’s got video built-in.

DAVE:
Jim, I really can’t do it. I’ll be in a court of law! That’s pretty serious. I’d love to help, obviously, but you know what I’m like with things like this!

JIM:
Precisely - you’re bound to get a story. Place’ll probably burn down with you there. How do you get it to record?

MATT DEMONSTRATES

JIM:
Easy. Right, you might need a bag.

DAVE:
Ah, well, I don’t have a bag.

MATT:
My bag’s just there.

DAVE:
Matt, just, will you stay out of it? Please.

JIM:
Take my pad. (PUTS IT IN THE BAG) And have a shave before you go.

MATT:
Here you are.

MATT TAKES HIS SLIPPERS FROM THE BAG, TURNS ONE UPSIDE DOWN AND CATCHES THE RAZOR INSIDE. DAVE GIVES HIM A LOOK.

MATT (CONT):
Ha, I know, I can’t think of anywhere else to put it. Keeps me on my toes, though, I tell you!

JIM:
I’m surprised you’ve got any toes left.

DAVE:
Erm, I’ve already shaved.

JIM:
Do it properly this time. You’re supposed to do your whole face, not random patches. It’s not Battleships. You look like a burns victim. (CHECKS WATCH) There’s no time anyway, you’re going to be late.

JIM BUNDLES DAVE OUT OF THE FRONT DOOR.

DAVE:
Hang on a second here Jim, how much am I actually going to get paid –

THE FRONT DOOR SLAMS. JIM RE-ENTERS, RUBBING HIS HANDS TOGETHER.

JIM:
Just got time for a cup of tea.

END OF SCENE

I'm going to have to go with Wayne and Seefacts on this one.
I never liked 'Men behaving badly' so don't take it personally

Lets face it, the current living situation is through choice (it seems, being a shared flat) and it doesn't seem believable, not in these days of laminate flooring and LCD TV's.

Maybe if you set the sitcom on a cruiseship which they both work on and thus thrown together in a shared cabin not through choice but through cruel necessity.

Maybe to add more dynamics slob man could be one notch higher in status (or stripes or whatever) on the ship, much to his cabin mates chagrin.

Anyone?

Quote: James Williams @ February 26, 2008, 7:32 PM

most people didn't "get" it.

View original

Don't fall into the trap of thinking someone who doesn't thinks it's funny 'doesn't get it'.

I'm not stupid, there's probably no British comedy I 'don't get'.

Quote: Seefacts @ February 26, 2008, 7:47 PM

[quote name="James Williams" post="110312" date="February 26, 2008, 7:32 PM"]
most people didn't "get" it.

Don't fall into the trap of thinking someone who doesn't thinks it's funny 'doesn't get it'.

I'm not stupid, there's probably no British comedy I 'don't get'.

View original

Don't fall into the trap of thinking you're an authority on all comedy!

There is no doubt in my mind that the script - essentially - works, whether it needs tweaking or no.

Quote: martin jones @ February 26, 2008, 7:43 PM

I'm going to have to go with Wayne and Seefacts on this one.
I never liked 'Men behaving badly' so don't take it personally

Lets face it, the current living situation is through choice (it seems, being a shared flat) and it doesn't seem beleivable not in these days of laminate flooring and LCD TV's.

Maybe if you set the sitcom on a cruiseship which they both work on and thus thrown together in a shared cabin not through choice but through cruel necessity.

Maybe to add more dynamics slob man could be one notch higher in status (or stripes or whatever) on the ship, much to his cabin mates chagrin.

Anyone?

View original

MBB was ace. Obe of the best sitcoms of the 90s, easily. Martin Clunes's performance was nothing short of hilarious, and it's a shame the the 'laddish' culture thing means that the brilliance of some of the lines will be forgotten.

Martin - your idea sounds a bit like Red Dwarf (if it collided with Hi De Hi!)

I'll close this thread quicker then a Northern Rock account if you descend into the horrors of the previous crit.

Quote: James Williams @ February 26, 2008, 7:49 PM

Don't fall into the trap of thinking you're an authority on all comedy!

There is no doubt in my mind that the script - essentially - works, whether it needs tweaking or no.

View original

I'm no authority, but I hate being told 'You don't get it'.

You've got to face the fact I don't find it funny.

In which case you "don't get it"!!

I'm not calling you a thicko. I guess it's semantics.

Quote: Leevil @ February 26, 2008, 7:50 PM

I'll close this thread quicker then a Northern Rock account if you descend into the horrors of the previous crit.

View original

I've said my bit. I just think James hasn't learnt from the last time.

Posting a virtually identical piece, and saying again that no one 'gets it'.

Move on.

Quote: James Williams @ February 26, 2008, 7:51 PM

In which case you "don't get it"!!

I'm not calling you a thicko. I guess it's semantics.

View original

No, I get it.

I get the pants on the head joke. I understand where you're trying to derive humour from. I see what you've done. I just don't find it funny. To me it's not a good joke.