Second Opinion

Apologies if this in the wrong forum.

My friend and I made this comedy film last year and as a long time reader of this site I thought it would be great to hear people's thoughts on it.

It's the first thing I've written that has actually been made and I would have shaved 10-12 mins off and rewritten lots of it if given the chance. Anyway, that's the pitch over...

The film is about Mitch, a man in his late 30's and going nowhere, finding out he has 3 months to live and how, with the help of his useless but well-meaning doctors, he tries to seize the day in the time that he has left.

Should point out it is 30 minutes long, so if you yourself have only 3 months to live, please do something else more worthwhile.

Cheers,
Bryce

http://vimeo.com/95162392

Hurrah! Something of quality.

Only seen the 1st 7 minutes (busy right now. Hopefully will see more later). Nice acting, nice script so far. It might be too late to change anything but I had a problem with some of the shots used - I don't think there was enough variation (would've liked more CUs for one thing) and when you swap the Doctor and Mitch from camera-left to camera-right it's a little confusing to the eye.

Quality stuff though! Will watch more later.

I enjoyed that. Was going to watch a few minutes, and ended up watching all of it.

I agree that the camera work could have been more varied or exciting, but to be honest I don't realy notice that sort of thing.

I really like the way you've used the simplicity of your resources - one small room, 3 characters, minimal props - and made something varied and dramatic with it. Was it written for the stage originally? Because it could definitely work. The performances are strong, injcluding some fun silent reaction stuff and face work (that's not a proper term, I dare say, but you know what I mean).

I think you've got the plot points bang on, and the script is very nice. For me, I felt the beat was slightly missed in a few moments, where it kind of hung between wanting a gag or an emotional stepping stone. For example, the opening dodge-the-issue part where the doc suggested going bowling and so on went on a bit long for me, although the shoes were a good end point. Also, the childhood dreams section seemed to be looking for something big to tie it together - either some good giggles or a bigger, wilder revelation. If it were me I'd add a dumb gag like

-What did you want to be when you were a child?
-Bananaman.
-...OK. Slightly older child?
-Astronaut.

That's probably rubbish, from the top of my head, but I just mean a couple of laughs to get you to the big boss phone scene.

I appreciate it's impossible for you to change this now anyway, I'm just messing about with ideas. As I say, for the most part I thought it was excellent.

The only useful suggestion I could make, is that I think the last couple of minutes are redundant, nothing much happens. Why not end it

-Have you never been known as Mick Henderson?
-No. Why?
-Oh....no reason.

Because then we know what happened, but he doesn't, seems leaner and funnier and keeps the characters alive in our minds, imagining how it will pan out for all of them (plus would bring your video to around 30 mins exactly, which would be pleasing).

Anyway, as ever these are just musings. Basically, I liked it a lot, and the fact I watched the whole thing should be taken as a major compliment. Good luck with it.

Hi Silvio!

First off, well done on getting something made. It's certainly an achievement in itself! I really enjoyed the first 14 minutes that I saw (will watch the rest later) too. I'll come to the nice bits, but you've already highlighted my main criticism, in that you could be a lot more brutal in the edit! You should do it if you can, it will make a big difference.

The only other thing, is that I'm not totally convinced by the patient character. It might be the acting, but he's neither one thing or another. He 'sort of' gets a little frustrated by the doctor procrastinating, seems 'a little' beaten down by his wife, and somewhere between passive and desperate in terms of the results he's about to get. I struggled to know where he was so was left a bit cold by him. I think it would be funnier if his characterisation bolted in a particular direction, if you know what I mean? The humour is all coming from the doctors, which is great stuff, but would double up if the patient's character was stronger.

Having said that, some of the writing was wonderful and funny - the acting was really good, and some of the subtelty you had in their physical performance was really funny too. I'll watch it all certainly, then pop a few more things in here more specifically that I liked.

Look forward to seeing more stuff!

Thanks very much all for the kind comments.

Gappy - it wasnn't originally meant for stage, as we had no money so we just set ourselves a target of making a film set in one room that we knew we could use ( my folk's living room, which we cleared out and filmed in whilst they were on holiday)

I agree with you on the beginning as well, it really lags for me and I wish it could have been a bit punchier, I appreciate you getting through it after what is quite a slow start.

I've never thought that about the ending actually. I think the party popper bit and the scream at the end was in my head from the beginning that I never thought about another way to come out of it (getting an ending worked out so early happens so rarely I probably jumped on it haha) I did pitch a sitcom loosely based on it where Mitch and his wife just have a strained relationship but still love each other and he is still stuck in a sales pit. The story was he finds out he has cancer and life begins to improve, the passion is rekindled in the marriage, promotion at work etc. Then when he finds out there has been a mix up he decides to keep everyone thinking he is dying and goes to extraordinary lengths to to keep the lie going. Weirdly it was passed on for being a little too dark but it got me in the door which was great.

Wills - yeah I agree with you on Mitch actually. Naturally as the writer I'll let my director take the heat for this but I agree he is a little too 'meh' at parts and that's our fault on set. I would definitely have given him more lines and a stronger character. Think I overplayed the downtrodden in the writing. I'm not really a fan of passive main characters as well. I know he has to act as the straight guy to the doctors but I could have rounded him out a bit more.

Hope you like the rest and thanks again for taking the time to watch and respond.