Skit Comp 6 - 14.12.14

Stunning week so congratulations to HART for winning. Have a wistful wank on me (not literally) and PM me with a subject for next wank please.
Hence:

Votes - Points - Name
3 - 10 - Hart
2 - 5 - Tiggy
1 - 1 - Gappy, Pugsmith, Otterfox
Special mention: Craig H, Halfway Gangster
Mention: Everyone else

Your new subject: FASHION (chosen by Craig H).

Rules:
One entry/vote per person. Anyone can enter regardless of colour, sexual preferences or inside leg measurement, except voles.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything else as long as it's yours and vaguely linked to the topic. Please try to only post your entry/vote and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 3.12.14

Overall Leader Board is now:
Position - Points - Name
1 - 16 - Hart
2 - 12 - Gappy
3 - 10 - Craig H
4 - 7 - Otterfox
5 - 5 - Darren Hoskins, Tiggy
6 - 1 - Pugsmith

A MAN ENTERS A ROOM. IT'S A DRAGONS' DEN SITUATION. THE SELLER STANDS BY A CLOTH COVERING HIS PRODUCT. IT'S COW SHAPED. THERE IS ONE DRAGON FOR HIM TO IMPRESS. THE MAN IS A LITTLE ODD.

DRAGON:
Hello there, and what do we have under the cover?

MAN:
Hello. I expect you're wondering what I have under this cover?

DRAGON:
Yes. Could you show it to me then?

MAN:
I expect you'd like me to show it to you.

DRAGON:
(Slowly)...Yes, take the cover off now.

MAN:
I expect you'd like me to take the cover off now.

DRAGON:
(ANGRY) Just show me the bloody thing!

MAN:
Behold!

THE MAN PULLS THE COVER OFF HIS PRODUCT AND REVEALS A COW SIZED, COW SHAPED MODEL OF A COW. IT'S WEARING TROUSERS ON IT'S FRONT AND BACK LEGS.

MAN:
Cow trousers!

DRAGON:
Cow trousers?

MAN:
Cow trousers. Trousers for cows.

DRAGON:
Trousers for cows? Why?

MAN:
Well I had originally tried to make trousers for voles, but found making them way, way too fiddly. I mean, think of the flies in a pair of vole trousers. Tiny! You just can't get vole trouser sized zips, and as for buttons? Forget it. Also I discovered the potential market for vole trousers was pretty small because nobody owns voles, they're too free spirited, whereas there are loads of people with cows. Particularly cow farmers.

DRAGON:
Right...what are they made of?

MAN:
Well these are made of a hard wearing cotton.

DRAGON:
Denim?

MAN:
It's 2014. No cows are wearing denim! I had toyed with making them leather, but cows already wear leather trousers. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha...

DRAGON:
(Interrupting) I get it...

MAN:
...ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Because leather is made from cow skin you see! That's why it was funny!

DRAGON:
I said I get it!

MAN:
You kill the cow, take it's skin off, then turn it into leather!

DRAGON:
I GET IT!

MAN:
Sorry! (Wipes away tears of laughter). I just love peeling dead things!

DRAGON:
Do the cows like wearing them?

MAN:
No. They absolutely hate them. We actually have to drug them to put them on, which of course means the milk can't be used.

DRAGON:
So they're pointless?

MAN:
Totally. Just like aeroplanes.

DRAGON:
Aeroplanes?

MAN:
They're also incredibly expensive. £5,000 for a full set. They'd be the most expensive cow trousers on the market. Far to expensive for something as utterly pointless, cruel, and shoddily made as my cow trousers. Or "Trow-cow-sers" as I call them.

DRAGON:
Shoddily made as well? Do they have any good qualities to them at all?

MAN:
Well, I do a special 'One Direction' set of them?

DRAGON:
And how many dairy farmers are One Direction fans?

MAN:
Almost certainly none.

DRAGON:
Your "Trow-cow-sers" are complete rubbish aren't they?

MAN:
Yes. Couldn't have said it better myself. Rubbish. Expensive, badly made, unbelievably cruel, pointless, poisonous...

DRAGON:
Poisonous?

MAN:
...dangerously sharp, unpleasant tasting, unfashionable rubbish.

THE DRAGON STARES AT HIM IN AMAZEMENT AND DISGUST.

MAN:
Not to mention highly explosive...

THE MAN PATS THE TROUSERS ON THE COW. CUT TO STOCK FOOTAGE OF A BUILDING BLOWING UP.

END.

[Briefing room, with monitor. 1 is the leader, and 2-4 are the team (3 is female)]

1: Ladies, gentlemen: I hope your training thus far hasn't been too punishing.

[General denial]

Well, it will be. Just hold on in there, we're gonna get *tough*!

[Laughter]

But, for now, as a break between your morning physical training and your afternoon applied mathematics lecture, let's take things easy and have a look at the specially designed outfits you shall be wearing on this mission to the Antarctic. Now, as you know, these garments were commissioned by us from NASA scientists, so I'm sure you're as excited as I to catch a first glimpse.

[Excited murmur. 1 brings image of clunky spacesuit type thing onto screen. Silence]

2: And, err, when do we see the NASA clothes?

1: What do you mean? These are the NASA clothes. They've been specially designed using expertise on extreme conditions and -

4: Yeah, great. But they don't look like space costumes, so they?

1: And how do NASA "costumes" look, would you say?

3: I don't know - jumpsuits?

[Agreement]

1: Jumpsuits?

3: Yeah. You know, or sort of lycra bodystocking things, with a logo of some sort: Lightning. Atomic structure. Laser gun. I don't know, I'm not an expert, of course. Although I do still basically know precisely what is correct.

1: Are you seriously telling me you want to wear a set of skintight longjohns in the coldest environment on the planet?

3: No! Of course I don't

1: Oh, thank goodness. For a moment there I -

3: The gents would wear the jumpsuits, I'd have the tinfoil miniskirt. And the knee-high boots.

2: Alright, look we can work out the fabric, the cut and the colour later. I'm more concerned about what that huge clumpy thing is on its back?

1: Ah, right, yes, let's get down to the important details. That shoulder-mounted scientivival module is a masterpiece of efficiency. Not only does it contain fresh water, emergency air and a medipack, but it also has 2.7 cubic metres of storage space for specimens.

3: Yes, but it looks...it looks quite unflattering.

2: Not very NASA.

4: I was expecting to keep my specimens in something...sexier.

1: Like what?

4: A kind of utility belt, maybe. Made of shiny plastic. It would sort of hang off the left hip, nice and louche.

1: Well, I was hoping, considering the expense we're spending in sending you on this fact-finding Antarctic geological expedition, you might bring more rocks home than would fit into a belt, no matter how shiny it might be.

3: Anyway, I can't wear the back pack - because otherwise nobody would be able to see the light bulbs on my shoulder pads.

4: Brainwave! They could be shaped to point down to your cleavage.

3: Ooh, nice idea.

1: Look, this is a serious scientific expedition, you can't wear all this spandex rubbish!

3: I *was* going to wear glasses - that's sciency.

2: Ones with little lights on the edges?

3: Natch

1: Enough! If this idiocy doesn't stop now, I shall recommend that you are all removed from this project; it's not too late to begin training a new batch of devil-may-care young scientific post-docs with secretly troubled backgrounds and a way with an innuendo, you know.

2: Sorry [Others join in, guiltily]

1: That's better. Now, we have some other gear for you to wear, on your day to day activity at the base. This time, instead of relying on abstract science, we have based our clothing upon the traditional garb of primitive peoples who have been battling the elements for millennia - sometimes modern thought just can't outweigh ancient wisdom.

[Screen shows image of Raquel Welch in One Million Years BC]

AGE OF MADGEORITY

V/O As a woman matures, she may gain wisdom, attain dignity and become a role model for the next generation. Our next guest's done none of that shit. Yup, it's Madonna, who insists - even as she gets older'n the inverse of a priest's wet dream - she remains an erotic pin-up, an object of yearning and summet to slap yer purple-headed yoghurt slinger over when Mummy and Daddy've deactivated yer Internet porn, the bastards. So take it away Madge, our first ever gilf...

Enter MADONNA in wheelchair.

MADONNA Well it made enough money for Lady Gaga didn't it.
(sings, tune: 'Hung Up')
Slime your flies, blow gonads
Grime your thighs, stroke moley
Clamp your pipe, choke Kojak
Twang your wire, jerk Jamby
Shine your pipe, pull Pony
Flick yer bic, clean yer rifle.

Every little inch of yer flaccid tool
Dong up!
I'm still worth all your goo.
I'm still worth yer cum,
Jizz, cream, protein shake
So jerk off.
I want your pecker to spew.

Life goes by, so scary, old age I hate
So wank yer plank, it's great
Dicks who run for me have all the fun
So crank up
I want some splooge from you.

(gets up, falls over)

BACKING SINGERS Time goes by.

MADONNA I'm showy.

BACKING SINGERS Your hair's white.

MADONNA It's glowy.

BACKING WHITE Your twat's dry.

MADONNA It's soggy.

Sneeze your cock snot. A-choo.

Every single thing, Wiener, chopper too
Rise up
I want salutes from you
Woody, stub chub, wang,
Boner, lap rocket,
Love muscle,
I'm still worth prick pus from you.

Every little thing, love shaft, tent pole too
Shoot off
I'm worth pud suds, it's true.
Bash yer candle dry
Baste yer ham all day
Just skeet off
Home squeezed man juice from you.

Wrinkled, thin, my tits like old bones
My tights are on but there's no-one boned
Lick your cock, stand like quarter to two
It's no fun
You're hung like it's still noon.

I can't keep on pouting for you
I pray someone's still masturbating.
So cry shlort tears
Roll your own, pull your taffy
Flog your mule all day.
Don't say it's too late.

Burp yer worm, cane your vandal, beat meat too,
Bop bonzo
Box with Richard, too.
Relish your hot dog.
Shake hands with your snake.
Shuck your corn.
Slap the clown, jerk yer juice.

Every single thing that I say or do
Is f**ked up.
I'm a prostitute.
Women give their all
Hoping for respect
But give up.
Give me your money. I'm through.

(She collapses. They drag her off stage.)

Looks like some entertainment magazine show.
Presenter [excited]: Britain a land of sartorial excellent from Saville Row to Rocha John Rocha. A nation of fine milliners and cobblers. A nation that puts the word Dandy into the words fine and dandy. A nation that knows no limits to the cuff link. Yet there is a worrying trend embracing the nation, and we here at Xpose fashion hitless have sent our fashion ninja police to investigate. [split screen to bored reporter on street] KABOW HI-YAAAA Fashion ninja
Reporter [depressed] : God is this why I did 3 years of English in Oxford for.
Presenter: That is not the fashion ninjas greeting is it.
Reporter: [depressed] No
Presenter: Ok so lets try that again [beat] KABOW HI-YAAAA Fashion ninja
Reporter: [depressed] Hi-YAAAA [half hearted high kick in the air]. Hi it is me the fashion ninja bring you the latest fashion assassinations from the streets of London because that is what ninjas are famous for doing commenting about footware. We are standing here outside a tesco in Clapham to ask people why are they in pyjamas in the supermarket.
[Someone in pyjamas walks by]
Reporter: Hello person I am [coughs] the Fashion Ninja and I want to know why you are wearing pyjamas in the supermarket is it because you are lazy.
Presenter: Ninja, that's not cool.
Reporter: Fine, [beat]is it because you isn't bothered.
Pyjama-wearer: [posh accent] Isn't Bothered my young lady the correct grammatical structure to that sentence is. Is it because you are not bothered. The education system in this country is going to rack and ruin. And my dear girl I am indeed very bothered. This outfit is not something someone puts together lightly, no this is a carefully prepared homage.
Reporter: Homage?
Pyjama-wearer: Yes Homage, It is a homage to the greatest icons of the last 20 years, the twin colossus of post-cold war elegance.
Reporter: Who.
Pyjama-wearer: Bananas in Pyjamas of course.
Reporter: What the kids TV show.
Pyjama-wearer: Yes, oh what a show. They are to the modern era what the beatles were to the 60s. Look at their influence on fashion , everyone going around in pyjamas that does not happen by chance does itamas . No that is what you call influence.
Reporter: You are saying that Bananas in pyjamas are the most influential trend setters in the modern world.
Pyjamas-wearer: Of course. How else can you explain the prevalence of pyjamas in society ehh Although I would say that B2 was the main trendsetter. B1 just wore his pyjamas as an old granny pyjamas no real pizzazz
Reporter: God this is ridiculous, I'm quit. This is beyond parody.
Presenter: Your such a diva.
Pyjamas-wearer: Just like B1
Presenter: Indeed.

SET IN AN UNSPECIFIED INNER CITY POLICE STATION

A GROUP OF HIGH RANKING POLICE OFFICERS MINGLE IN THE OFFICE, CHATTING ABOUT NOTHING AND LAUGHING WHEN SUDDENLY THE DESK SERGEANT ARRIVES, CLUTCHING SOME FILES WITH A STERN LOOK ON HIS FACE. THE OTHER OFFICERS STOP AND LOOK AT HIM APPREHENSIVELY.

DESK SERGEANT (tensely, shaking)
The seventies called... they want their trainers back.

THE ROOM IS FILLED WITH GASPS AND GROANS, ONE MAN PUTS HIS GUN IN HIS MOUTH AND PULLS THE TRIGGER, CAUSING TOTAL UPROAR. SOMEONE SCREAMS, "HOW THE FUCK DID HE HAVE A GUN?" THE DESK SERGEANT NODS SOLEMNLY AMIDST THE CHAOS. SUDDENLY, TWO SUAVE, WELL DRESSED AND SUITED OFFICERS WITH QUIFFS AND SHADES
STAND UP, RESULTING IN THE ROOM'S SILENCE.

THE TWO TOGETHER (loud, confident)

We'll take the case!

CUT TO A MONTAGE BEGINNING WITH THE TWO MEN STRUTTING DOWN A BUSY STREET, BUZZING WITH URBAN NIGHTLIFE VIBRANCY, THEY NOD AT OTHERS, SMILING. CUT TO THEM DOING POORLY EXECUTED FORWARD ROLES IN A CLOTHES OUTLET STORE. CUT TO THEM ON THE STREET ONCE MORE, ONE OF THEM TOUCHING A MANS TRACKSUIT AND PATTING HIS SHOULDER, SMILING AT HIM AS HE PASSES, CAMERA REVEALS THE TRACKSUIT GUY IS ABUSING A HOMELESS MAN MERCILESSLY. CUT TO ONE HOLDING THE OTHER BACK AS HE POINTS A GUN AT A KID WITH TRAINERS THAT HAVE FLASHING LIGHTS. CUT TO THEM BOTH LAUGHING WITH THE TRACKSUIT GUY, ALL KICKING THE HOMELESS MAN. CUT TO THEM THROWING EGGS AT OXFAM. CUT TO THEM SMILING AT THE CAMERA AS THE WORDS 'FASHION POLICE: SEASON 14' FADE INTO VIEW.

INTERIOR, CAR

THE TWO MEN DRIVE AS ONE GRABS A BOTTLE OF WHISKEY FROM THE COMPARTMENT UNDER THE DASHBOARD.

D.I. HARRIS (driving)

Blake, are you seriously going to start drinking on duty?

BLAKE STARTS DRINKING

D.I. HARRIS (cont.)

Then pour me a goddamn shot!

EXTERIOR OF A VINTAGE CLOTHES STORE CALLED, 'THE SEVENTIES'

ONE OF THE FASHION POLICE IS QUESTIONING THE OWNER ON THE PAVEMENT OUTSIDE OF THE STORE

D.I. BLAKE (deep and casual)

D.I. Blake, pleasure, pleasure. Love the hair, really do. Seriously, love
the hair. Love it. More than my children, and I have like, 16 children. Anyway.

THE WOMAN LOOKS CONFUSED

D.I. BLAKE (cont.)

You've had some stock stolen, I believe.

WOMAN (confused)

I'm not sure tha-

D.I. BLAKE.

You know, I found out one of them was selling drugs, so I went to the foster home and punched him right in his face. His stupid little face. Like this.

D.I. BLAKE SLOWLY RAISES A FIST AND PRESSES IT AGAINST THE WOMAN'S NOSE, SLOWLY SAYING, "BOOP" AS HE DOES, THE WOMAN RUNS AWAY AND THE OTHER
INSPECTOR TAPS HIM OF THE BACK

D.I. HARRIS

Come on, Blake, she's ready to talk to us. Let's go inside. Was that a witness? Did you get anything?

THE BOTH STARE AT EACH OTHER FOR A WHILE, THEN BURST OUT LAUGHING

D.I. BLAKE

Seriously I'm f**king wasted.

CUT TO SHOP INTERIOR

D.I. HARRIS

Hello ma'am my name is D.I. Harris, like to ask you a few questions. Is it okay for my friend here to look about the store while I do that?

SHOP OWNER

Absolutely, anything you need let me know now dear.

D.I. BLAKE STUMBLES OUT OF VIEW

D.I. HARRIS

So, we've been told you had some stock stolen.

WOMAN (concerned)

Yes, an entire crate of trainers.

D.I. HARRIS

My God. Allow me to confer with my partner.

HARRIS MAKES HIS WAY TO THE DRESSING ROOMS, REVEALING BLAKE ADJUSTING THE BOWTIE ON A TUXEDO HE IS GOING TO STEAL

D.I. BLAKE

How does it look?

D.I. HARRIS

Nice, yeah, really nice. Look, we're out of our depth here.

D.I. BLAKE

I punched my child in his stupid little face. Did you know that?

D.I. HARRIS

Literally? You tell me that every f**king day.

MONTAGE OF BLAKE SAYING THAT IN DIFFERENT SITUATIONS, INCLUDING:

. DRUNKEN BEST MAN SPEECH FOR HARRIS.

. SAFARI.

. COURT CASE FOR CHILD ABUSE.

D.I. BLAKE

I don't recall. Look man, this place sucks, can't we get wasted and abuse
our power?

D.I. HARRIS

I'm not sure about that, we did that yesterday.
D.I. BLAKE

We could racially discriminate.

D.I. HARRIS
Any other day you know I'd love that, but there was a crime committed here and we need to solve it. The problem is I don't really know how to do that. What's the f**king procedure?

D.I. BLAKE

I don't f**king know, dude. I'm just waiting to stumble upon the underground child sex dungeon that makes my career. I'll be all over the news. A f**king hero.

D.I. HARRIS
Don't you think we all dream of child sex rings? Come on, let's do some actual policing.

D.I. BLAKE

Are you f**king with me?

D.I. HARRIS

Of course I am. You believed me for a second didn't you!

D.I. BLAKE

Yes, you were very convincing, very convincing. So, we're just gonna arrest
her aren't we.

D.I. HARRIS

Standard procedure.

THE TWO MARCH OUT OF THE DRESSING ROOM AND TACKLE OWNER, ARRESTING HER. NEWSPAPER HEADLINES APPEARING ON SCREEN REVEAL THAT ALTHOUGH THE WOMAN WAS NOT BEHIND THE STOLEN TRAINERS, FURTHER INVESTIGATION LED TO A CHILD SEX RING BEING DISCOVERED BELOW THE STORE, WITH BLAKE AND HARRIS BEING PRAISED AS "STYLISH HEROES."

CUT TO CLIPS OF INTERVIEW WITH BLAKE ON SCENE, WEARING THE TUXEDO

D.I. BLAKE (drunk)

I've always dreamt of this really-

CUT

And then I punched him, right in his stupid little face.

CUT

Well I got this from Saville Row.

CUT

I'm the f**king law you bastard.

END.

NEWS ANCHOR-
Over to our Fashion Correspondant now, joining the crowds who have gathered from Lands Far Far
Away, along the route of the Royal Procession...

FASHION CORR-
Yes, excitement mounting here, as we await our first glimpse of the Emperor's much
herralded "New Look"...
Excitement pushed to fever pitch by a tweet from "a Fashion Industry Insider' further along the Parade... @A Small Boy says " Da King Dood is in da altogeva innit..."
And here Our Emperor comes...!

(The growing anticipation of the large crowd reaches a crescendo followed by a shocked silence and a communal taking in of breath)

FASHION CORR-
It's true! I thought he was carrying the Royal Orbs and Septre before him, but no!...
"The King is in the altogether!... (To the tune of "The King Is In The Altogether", yes, it's a song).

NEWS ANCHOR-
The altogether?

FASHION CORR-
The altogether! He's altogether as naked as the day that he was born!

NEWS ANCHOR-
Call the Court Physician! Call the Inquisition!"

FASHION CORR-
Yes, we do have the Inquisition here with us to make a comment....
What do you think of the Emperor's new clothes?...

INQUISITION-
We ask the questions, thank you...

EMPEROR-
I've seen enough! Turn off the News! Infact , close the station,
pull the plug on Google, hang the Town Cryers, stuff the messenger pigeons,-
stuff them down the throats of the Storytellers!!!
- Get my Fashion Advisor/Stylist!!!

TRICKSTA-
Here I am yur Madge...

EMPEROR-
Now careful how you answer this... A lot of fashion is about taking a few inches off the hem-line,
you're in danger of having about 12 inches removed above the collar.

TRICKSTA-
Sadly, a very fashionable look in some places I believe...

EMPEROR-
My "new suit" I wore today ?....

TRICKSTA-
Yes, fab wasn't it ? I admit it was a little daring, you could have pulled it off better
a few years ago,... In warmer weather...
I think the trouble was the detailing at the front, too much fringing....

EMPEROR-
The fabric, so fine, almost invisible...

TRICKSTA-
Practically yes... That's what makes it so thrillingly expensive and difficult to weave...
Very difficult to thread 'invisible' cotton on the needle, very tricky, shearing invisible sheep.

EMPEROR-
I was naked, wasn't I?....

TRICKSTA-
Umm...yes.

EMPEROR-
Guards!

TRICKSTA-
But... I think I can "spin" this for you, Emp...pull the invisible wool over everyone's eyes...
Umm... You're a Fashion Leader, not a follower. .
You're all over the Bloggosphere, trending, hitting, poked, pinned and tumbled.
And none of it about your crack down on Fairyland Fundamentalists or your invasion, bogged down
In Never Never Land...fashion is a great distraction for the Masses, like Celebrity Court Trials
and "Narnia's Got Talent".

EMPEROR-
Tell me more.....

TRICKSTA-
Think of the Roman Emperors.... You gotta "Put on a Show!"Daddio..
Burn down yur Capital City, kick yur Mother to death, attempt to turn back the Barbarian
Horde by reciting yur poetry at them and the people stay behind you...
But wear last years toga and the people behind you decide daggers are to be worn "bloody
and between your shoulder blades" this season...
You've gotta think about your "Brand"... Think about Madonna!

EMPEROR-
Yes, she kept ahead of the pack for decades, always changing her look...

TRICKSTA-
No, The Madonna... Only ever wore the one, simple, blue, throw on number, covered a
multitude of sins, or none, in her case...
And her Son, -The Hipster, had the beard before it was trendy, never wore socks with his
Birks...
Like them..You've made a "Bold Statement"..."Strip it back... Keep it simples..".
If this was a Political Democracy, you'ld be saying "With Me, What You See Is What You Get"...
"Follow Me", "Throw off your clothes... If not the shackles of your actual slavery, obviously...."

EMPEROR-
No clothes? The workers in the laundry, tailoring and luggage industries will be up in arms!

TRICKSTA-
Have their arms cut off!

EMPEROR-
They're mostly Eunochs... Seems harsh...

TRICKSTA-
Unemployed Eunochs now ... They can sit on their hands all day.Nothing else to do with them...
You've started a game of "I'll show you mine..." Now they've got to show you theirs.
Cut off the Designer Labels! Cut up the Designers! Fashion must die!....

EMPEROR-
Wait a minute! I know who you are! I thought when you arrived at my Court you were
wearing some outlandish disguise... But no!

TRICKSTA-
Who am I? Rumpelstiltskin, The Pied Piper, some Evil Old Queen?

EMPEROR-
Yes.. You're disgraced Fascist Fashionista John Galiano ...
You can stay, I like your style....

THE LITTLE MISS SLUTS BEAUTY PAGEANT

INT. BEAUTY PAGEANT - DAY

PREPUBESCENT GIRLS LINE UP ON STAGE WHICH IS OVERWHELMED WITH PINK AND GLITTER. THE MUSIC PUMPS LOUDLY. IT MAKES THEIR MUMS GO CRAZY, THEY CHEER ON WITH THE INTENSITY OF A COLLEGE FOOTBALL GAME.

CAROLINE SUMMERS HITS THE STAGE LIKE A WILD THING IN HER HEELS AND MINI SKIRT. SHE LAPS THE STAGE.

THE PAIR OF ANNOUNCERS, OLD MEN NEARING THEIR 60'S, HYPE UP THE CROWD EVEN MORE.

ANNOUNCER #1 (V.O)
Contestant number 17, Caroline Summers. Let me tell you something, she is delicious in that short mini skirt.

ANNOUNCER #2 (V.O)
She's a 34, 24, 35.

SHANNON AND STEVE SUMMERS, A YOUNG COUPLE, BOTH WEAR IDENTICAL SHIRTS WITH THE CAPTION: "WORLD'S GREATEST PARENTS".

SHANNON
34... 24... 35. Wait, oh my god, that's my little slut!

STEVE
That's our whore right there!

ANNOUNCER #1 (V.O)
Caroline loves to, and I quote: "Stroke her little pony and take it for a ride every evening".

THE MUMS CHANT WILDLY.

MUMS
Skank, skank, skank!

ANNOUNCER #2 (V.O)
And the people love it. It's been a very tight contest.

ANNOUNCER #1 (V.O)
Next up we have, Georgina Rae, contestant number 18.

A CONSERVATIVELY DRESSED AND SLIGHTLY OVERWEIGHT GEORGINA RAE TAKES THE STAGE. SHE WEARS A PLAIN BLACK DRESS, FLAT SHOES AND GLASSES.

ANNOUNCER #1 (V.O)
Oh my gosh, what is that thing?

THE MUSIC STOPS. THE CROWD GOES SILENT. A LONG PAUSE.

MUMS
Boooooooooooo! Get off the stage!

ANNOUNCER #2 (V.O)
Wait, it looks like it's got something to say.

ANNOUNCER #2 RUNS TO THE STAGE AND LOWERS THE MICROPHONE TO HER. SHE THE VOICE OF AN ANGEL.

GEORGINA
I know I look like a nice girl. The kind of girl you find at libraries and play dates.

THE MUMS BOO EVEN LOUDER

GEORGINA (CONT'D)
But I lost my virginity when I was twelve, y'all believe that.

EVERYBODY GASPS. THE CROWD GOES SILENT AGAIN. A PAUSE.

THEY CHEER.

MUMS
SKANK SKANK SKANK SKANK!

ANNOUNCER #2
Looks like we have a clear -

HE TOUCHES HIS EARPIECE.

ANNOUNCER #1 (V.O)
Hold on a minute we have one more contestant. But she doesn't seem to have a name.

MYSTERY GIRL SHOOTS ONTO THE STAGE WEARING AN UNDERSIZED T-SHIRT, HER BELLY IS EXPOSED AS A STATEMENT. SHE'S BARELY 13 BUT THERE IT IS;

A BIG BULGING BABY BUMP.

SHE GRABS THE MICROPHONE FROM THE ANNOUNCER.

MYSTERY GIRL
I got knocked up before I even finished elementary school.

MASS HYSTERIA ENSUES.

END

A CLASSROOM FULL OF MATURE STUDENTS
THERE ARE SEWING MACHINES AND CLOTH LENGTHS ALL ABOUT.

TEACHER
So today we are going to be designing fashionable jewish attire.

HE NOTICES MOST ARE LOOKING OUT OF THE WINDOW

TEACHER (cont)
I realise most of you have been sent here because of your short
attention span problems and inability to remember what has been said
but today you will focus on the lesson or face the consequences.

STUDENT#1
Consequences?

TEACHER
If you don't study hard you will be sent to another place which
will be far worse than here - they WILL make you study.

MOST ARE STILL LOOKING OUT OF THE WINDOW OR ON THEIR PHONES

TEACHER (cont)
STUDENTS!! today we will be designing a kippah

THERE IS STILL NO ATTENTION

TEACHER (cont)
You, looking out of the window. What did I just say

STUDENT#2
errr... You had a kipper for breakfast

TEACHER
This is useless, I don't have the skills to teach you lot.
I'm sorry but I am going to recommend that you all be
taken to the concentration camp.

Emm Don't vote for me I just realised I posted that sketch before. Back to the drawing and Grammer correction board

Quote: Michael Monkhouse @ 6th December 2014, 8:44 AM GMT

Your Competition Closes: 3.12.14

View original

Not been in this part of the forum for ages, so I might have it wrong, but isn't that the closing date for the previous skit comp?
Assuming it is, and this one's still open, here's my quickie...

-------------------------

JD is stood in what appears to be a paddling pool, wearing a scientists white lab coat and big green waders. The pool is situated in a high-tech control room, complete with nearby control desks (including one with a big red button on it). A large bank of monitors show a small tower/pylon in a desert and a deserted town.
A small crowd of assorted scientists, techs and military personnel surround the pool.

CROWD: Ten.

JD bends down into the pool with both hands in the water. He seems to be moving them in the water, as if trying to gently grab something with both hands.

CROWD: Nine. Eight.

JD: (softly) Come on you little beauty.

CROWD: Seven. Six. Five. Four.

JD: Come on...

CROWD: Three. Two.

JD: Got it!

JD stands up quickly, his hands gripping a trout that's squirming.

CROWD: One!

The trout flies out of JD's hands, past the edge of the pool onto a big red button on the nearby control console.
Immediately the tower/pylon on the monitors is replaced by an enormous explosion. Everyone starts cheering and celebrating. A few high fives take place. Other monitors soon show the town being blown apart and a mushroom cloud forming in the desert.

Suddenly a door slams against a wall as CRAIG H enters the room, looking annoyed.

CRAIG H: What the hell are you doing? You can't enter the skit comp unless your skit has something to do with the topic I chose.

JD: Sorry, I know that - but I'm covering my bases. I couldn't tell if you'd said it was fishin' or fission.

Got to be Tiggy this week, although Judgment Dave's audacious nonsense made me smile.

I'm a Gappy plumper this week. Not so keen on the end though.

Tiggy

Yes, Tiggy.