Hi Guys,
Here's a sketch I wrote called "Cameron and Spock on a Sink-Estate."
This is the text-only version; the original pictorial version can be read at the link below: http://www.politicaldreamz.com/Home/Index/4
Comments on the script or on the format of the original would be appreciated.
(Other pieces in this series include "UKIP - A Song for Europe" and "Ed Miliband - from Zero to Hero.")
Thanks
Gusto
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"Cameron and Spock on a Sink-Estate"
SCENE:
Prime Minister David Cameron is dozing in his office at Number Ten.
He dreams that he is Captain of the Starship Etonprize.
He and Mr Spock have just beamed down into a sink-estate ... looking for votes.
CAMERON:
Status report, Mr Spock.
SPOCK:
Sensors indicate the presence of intelligent life-forms, Captain.
CAMERON:
Hmm. No Conservative voters, so. But don't worry, we can win them over.
Anything else?
SPOCK:
Natives passive in general though potentially hostile. Also, based on the
number of logos and goldie-looking chains that sped past us as we beamed
down, I'd say that the inhabitants are devolving rather than evolving.
CAMERON:
Good! If we can meet them halfway, they might vote for us. Now, all we
have to do is to convince them to exercise their franchise.
And the atmosphere?
SPOCK:
Noxious but breathable, Captain.
CAMERON:
Fashion-sense?
SPOCK:
Highly illogical. Sportswear, yet they play no sports, and shiny
accessories that serve only to highlight the dullness of their lives.
CAMERON:
Gotcha! And our exact location?
SPOCK:
Hard to say, Captain. My instruments indicate we could be in one of several hundred places.
CAMERON:
But how can that be?
SPOCK:
Years of neglect may have something to do with it, Captain.
CAMERON:
And who in the Federation, pray tell, is responsible for administering this god-forsaken hole?
SPOCK:
Er, we are, Sir.
CAMERON:
Really? We don't seem to be making a very good job of it. We need to help.
But first, we should carry out further research into the inhabitants and their needs.
SPOCK:
Captain, I must warn you. The inhabitants...
CAMERON:
Spock, need I remind you that our mission is to boldly go where no man has gone before?
SPOCK:
But Captain, surely we should beam down extra personnel. Interpreters, for instance.
CAMERON:
Chillax, Spocky. I'm sure I can make myself understood.
After all, I'm Captain Dave - an Everyman for our age.
I can flatten vowels and drop aitches as good as the next man.
For heaven's sake, I even used a split infinitive a few lines back ... or didn't you notice?
SPOCK:
I'm sorry, Captain -- I haven't a clue what you're talking about. I went to a State Comprehensive.
CAMERON:
Ok, let me do all the talking. Set your phaser to pun in case I have to humour the natives.
SPOCK:
I'm not sure that will be enough, Captain. Even if you hit them between the eyes, it may go over their heads.
CAMERON:
What are the locals called?
SPOCK:
Chavs.
CAMERON:
Chavs? What sort of handle is that?
SPOCK:
It's like "chaps" ... except with a "v".
CAMERON:
Well, There isn't much difference between a "v" and a "p".
That means they must be similar to us. What language do they speak?
SPOCK:
I believe it's called Blingon -- a curious dialect with a limited lexicon and
debased grammatical structure. Chav utterances are usually accompanied by
rude gestures, menacing looks, and the rattling of cheap jewellery.
CAMERON:
Sounds like the Opposition benches! Anyway, we need to find out
more about this place. Look! There's a pair of them over there.
Let's have a word. I say, old chavs!
Fancy a chin-wag about this here stink-estate?
CHAV #1:
Jwanna go some?
CAMERON:
Translation, Spock?
SPOCK:
I believe he is challenging you to a fight, Captain.
CAMERON:
Oh, that won't do! Tell him we come in peace.
SPOCK:
Bruv, we come in peace, you know what I'm saying?
CHAV #1:
Yeah, wicked!
CAMERON:
I gather his intentions are still evil.
SPOCK:
On the contrary. I think we have placated him.
(A chav walks around Spock, staring at his head.)
CHAV #2:
Bruv. Them ears is off the chain!
CAMERON:
Translation, Spock?
SPOCK:
He likes my ears.
CAMERON:
Tell him we'll arrange for him to get a free pair on the NHS.
CHAV #1:
Now, gentlemen, what can I do ye for? Skunk or Bennies?
CAMERON:
No, young man, what can we do for you? We want to find out how we can improve your circumstances.
CHAV #1:
You can start by giving Wayne there an ASBO - 'e ain't got none and e's feelin' left out.
'E's lost all respect in the manor, know what I'm sayin'?
CAMERON:
I'm sorry, I haven't the faintest idea of what you're talking about. Spock, what's an ASBO?
SPOCK:
Hmm. I believe it's an acronym for a largely ineffective disciplinary measure introduced by one of your predecessors.
I'll check my database for an exact transcription. Captain, it gives four possible options:
(1) All-Sausage Breakfast Order
(2) Anti-Social Behaviour Order
(3) Alien Species Blast Option
(4) A. S. Byatt Ordeal
CAMERON:
Well? Which one is it? Come on, Spock! We're men of action. We have to
win the hearts and minds of the Chavs by satisfying their immediate desires.
SPOCK:
Hmm. Can I phone a friend?
CAMERON:
Spock, we haven't got time for that. Use your famed powers of deduction and be done with it.
SPOCK:
Yes, Captain. Eeeny-meanie-miney ... and, um, ...MO!
(Spock hits #3 on his phaser and fires at Wayne, who is incinerated.)
ASHES OF CHAV #2:
"I never done good things, I never done bad things,
I never did anything out of the blue..."
CAMERON:
Shit! Bit of the Major Tom's about that one, Spock!
CHAV #1:
Wicked! Talk about giving it large!
CAMERON:
That's right, young man, we are men of action. We believe in seizing the day.
More importantly, we live to give. You see, I'm a Tory - that's short for "VicTory" - we're all winners to a man.
Now, will you vote for me if I continue to work hard on your behalf?
CHAV #1:
Eh, yeah, ain't no doubt about it.
CAMERON:
Great! Right, Spock! Where to next?
SPOCK:
Captain, you are expected at a Bullingdon Club reunion.
CAMERON:
Okay. Let's go! Smashing!
SPOCK:
Captain, forgive me for disobeying an order, but I wish to stay here...with these people.
CAMERON:
What!?
SPOCK:
Captain, I have an affinity with these people. The guys have the same haircut as me, and the women are ... I'm sure I could reform them.
CAMERON:
But, Spock...
CHAV #1:
Let 'im stay!
CAMERON:
All right, Spocky -- you have served me well. You have my blessing.
May the force be with you!
SPOCK:
Captain, I believe you are off-script.
CAMERON:
Am I?
SPOCK:
Yes, but never mind. Live long and prosper!
CAMERON:
Farewell, Spock. Good luck! (...) Beam me up, Scotty ... and remember:
when you are re-materialising me, I know my arse from my elbow,
so no funny business! Also, knock off the bagpipe musak! You lost the referendum.
(Cameron disappears and Spock is welcomed into the bling-filled bosom of his new family.)
END
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