This is a few weeks later after the MC has started his diet and is recovering from the flu. Hopefully it'll give you a better idea of why I came up with that title. There are references to Carol who is the woman who's continually trying to seduce Eric into an affair.
Saturday 19th April
As Helen was at the charity shop and Sophie had gone ten pin bowling, I'd planned to spend a quiet afternoon watching television and feeling sorry for myself. Unfortunately just as I'd made myself comfortable, Helen's parents turned up and completely ruined my day.
Helen had asked them to call in to make me some lunch but hadn't bothered to tell me. When Mary and John arrived and let themselves in with their spare key I was sprawled on the sofa in my pyjamas vigorously scratching my private parts.
Mary said, "Oh put that thing away will you Eric, you'll do yourself a mischief," and then disappeared into the kitchen to warm up some of her homemade chicken soup!
What is it with the flu and chicken soup? I know you don't see chickens sneezing very often but surely if it were that good a cure Campbell's and Heinz would be available on prescription.
Once I'd finished my soup (with only one slice of granary bread on Helen's strict instructions) I found John and Mary in the hallway examining our new exercise bike. Helen had told them all about it when we went round on Sunday and apparently they'd never seen one before.
"So how exactly does it work? Asked Mary, looking more than a little confused!
I said, "It's not brain surgery Mary. You just sit on it and peddle."
"Oh!" She said, "So not all that different from a normal bike, then?"
John scratched his head, "Well what's the point in sitting on a bike that doesn't go anywhere? If I were to go outside and start the car, and then just sit in it pushing the pedals you'd think I'd gone stark staring bonkers!"
I said, "Well it isn't really about going anywhere John. It's about exercising and losing weight in the comfort of your own home. Helen even does it while we're watching Coronation Street sometimes!"
"Really?" said Mary, "Isn't it amazing what technology can do nowadays?"
While they were still trying to get their heads around the concept of a stationary bicycle I took my empty bowl through to the kitchen. Before they came to see me John and Mary must have been out shopping, because as I walked in I noticed Mary's shopping bag sitting on the floor next to the fridge. It had so much food inside she hadn't been able to zip it up properly, and poking out of the top was a box of chocolate éclairs.
Chocolate and cream were two of my favourite things, and there they were combined together in the shape of a delicious chocolate éclair. I tried to put them out of my mind, but as I was rinsing my bowl I could practically hear them calling my name from Mary's shopping bag! Just begging me to eat them!
Diary, I'm afraid to say that in my fragile condition I once again succumbed to temptation. In a moment of weakness I grabbed the box of chocolate éclairs, shoved them inside the bottom cupboard, and slammed the door shut just as John and Mary walked in.
I must have looked very suspicious because Mary took one look at me, breathing heavily as I leaned against the cupboard door, and said, "Are you alright Eric? You don't look very well."
Thinking on my feet, I said, "Of course I'm not very well Mary. I've got the flu in case you've forgotten."
Mary narrowed her eyes, "Yes, but I'm sure you weren't sweating that much when we arrived."
In an attempt to steer the conversation in another direction I started filling the kettle and asked them if they wanted a cup of tea before they left! In truth, I just wanted to be alone with the cakes and my prayers were answered when John said, "We'd better not, Eric. Mary's hips started playing up since she started looking at that exercise bike, and there's a double bill of Columbo starting soon."
As soon as they'd left - after I'd helpfully ushered them out to the car as quickly as I could, I grabbed the box of éclairs, jogged upstairs, and locked myself in the bathroom away from prying eyes. I knew the house was empty but I really didn't want to take any chances.
Trembling with anticipation now I sat on the toilet seat and slowly opened the box. As I delicately pulled out the plastic tray the bathroom was suddenly filled with the aroma of cream and chocolate. Normally I wouldn't even notice, but after a week without cake even the smell of toilet duck couldn't hide them from my nostrils.
After flushing the toilet (as cover in case anyone had snuck in to the house and was now listening outside the door) I took the first éclair out of the tray, closed my eyes, and slipped it slowly between my lips.
It was quite simply the most delicious cake I've ever tasted. It was so fresh I could feel the cream melting on my tongue as soon as I'd taken the first bite. I was literally in heaven as I gorged myself on éclair after éclair. Until finally, the only things that remained were a hand full of sticky fingers, an empty box, and an overwhelming sense of guilt and remorse.
In less time that it took the cistern to fill back up I'd somehow managed to eat four chocolate éclairs. That was a record even Carol would have been proud of.
Before Helen and Sophie came home I turned on my laptop and Googled how many calories are in four chocolate éclairs, and was horrified to discover there are close to a thousand! A thousand calories! That's over half my daily allowance! Thank God I only had one slice of bread with my soup. Any more and my diet would have really gone out the window.
