Hi all,
I don't think I ever put this one up, written for the show what you wrote, but obviously rejected.
STEVE: Ah, here he comes now, hello Jimmy!
JIMMY: Steve, who's this?
STEVE: Jimmy, this is Tarquin. Tarquin's going to be working with us on this week's episode.
TARQUIN: How do you do.
JIMMY: Hi. Why's he here?
STEVE: Well you Jimmy, we've had some complaints about the show.
JIMMY: What sort of complaints?
STEVE: Well, some of our viewers in the South are finding it hard to understand what's going on. Tarquin is going to translate for them.
JIMMY: Are you serious? You asked for a gritty northern drama series. It wouldn't be realistic if they didn't speak in the regional dialect.
STEVE: I know Steve, and we're all very happy with the work you've put in, but the white shirts in London, well they just can't follow the action.
JIMMY: It's a Yorkshire lass and Scouse lad, what's difficult about that?
TARQUIN: Terribly sorry to interrupt old boy, what's a Scouse?
JIMMY: It's a stew.
TARQUIN: So he's a male stew? What does that mean?
JIMMY: (SIGHS) Scouse is a type of stew, eaten by people from Liverpool. The character is from Liverpool, so he's a scouser.
TARQUIN: I see. So it's like a Lancashire Hotpot?
JIMMY: It's nothing like a Lancashire hotpot!
STEVE: It sort of is Jimmy.
JIMMY: It is not the same! The name is different!
STEVE: Look let's just get on with the scene Jimmy, and we'll see how it goes. Jenny's waiting for you on set.
JIMMY: Alright.
STEVE: And action!
JENNY: It's great in't it that you got back from Iraq for 'us' anniversary.
JIMMY: I know I....
TARQUIN: It's great isn't it that you back from Iraq for our anniversary.
JIMMY: Is he going to correct every line?
STEVE: CUT! Well yes actually.
JIMMY: So Jenny says the line, Tarquin corrects it for the Southerner's, and then I say my line?
STEVE: Yep!
JIMMY: It sort of ruins the intimacy of a bedroom scene with that posh bloke stood watching over us.
STEVE: We'll edit him out. Ready, and action!
JIMMY: Don't worry babe, the lads made sure I wouldn't miss it.
TARQUIN: Don't worry my lady friend, my chums made sure I would not miss it.
JENNY: There's nowt I want more than you with me.
TARQUIN: There is nothing I want more than you with me.
JIMMY: I know. (Pronounced in quick scouse like 'a kno'
TARQUIN: I know. (With the emphasis on I)
JIMMY: Ah eh, surely they can understand that bit lad?
TARQUIN: Wait one second, surely they understand that bit, old boy?
JIMMY: Stop it!
TARQUIN: Desist!
JIMMY: Shut up!
TARQUIN: Please refrain from talking!
JENNY: Dis is right off putting, Steve.
TARQUIN: This really is off putting, Steven.
STEVE: CUT!
END