Elsa & Mauve 3

Sorry.
No More.

INT
2 old ladies in a tea room.

ELSA
That policeman has finally gotten around to taking my statement. You know for my missing cup. 3 days I waited.

MAUVE
How did it all go?

ELSA
Well PC fooking Plod reckons there is no sign of a break in & no point dusting for fingerprints. He reckons, now get a load of this. He reckons the cup may have been stolen or broken by someone who lives in the house.

MAUVE
Well my policeman has finally gotten round to take my statement too. You know for my missing ball of wool. 5 days I waited.

ELSA
How did it all go?

MAUVE
Well PC shitting Plod reckons there is no sign of a break in & no point dusting for fingerprints. He reckons, now listen to this. He reckons the wool may have either been taken out of the house by a playful kitten, or I knitted with it & forgot.

ELSA
The Police just don’t care. They would much rather be out catching murderers. Us robbery victims have to wait. Remember that time I was assaulted on the bus. That youth sat on the chair right next to me. What did the police say. “Ooooh well the young man just took a seat”. Bollox. He near raped me.

MAUVE
I agree.Remember that time I was kidnapped on my way home. That man grabbed my arm & forced me across a road. What did the police say. “Ooooh the gentleman was just helping you cross a busy road”. Bollox. He was trying to kidnap me so he could kill me.

ELSA & MAUVE SHAKE THEIR HEADS IN DESPERATION.

CLOSE

I like it nice, easy to visualise you could write it for ever.

I dont get why they are swearing all the time? I would leave the gag as being their perception of how people sould rally round them....making them pale imitations of Catherine tates gran doesn't add anything. In fact, IMO, it detracts as i feel immediate lack of sympathy for them. Also its a bit wordy and not the way many old ladies would speak.....swearing aside....for example:

"He reckons, now get a load of this. " is not very old lady. CT's gran works because the dialogue is PERFECT old lady up to the point of swearing.

re-read again and i'd trim LOADS off if i were you. For example, why say the police took X days to come? The ladies issue with the police is that they dont believe a crime took place, thats the running gag....why add in that the police were late? just extra words that dont mean anything, the ladies dont have an issue with that - and if they did they would be right to be annoyed....and the whole point is they are supposed to be wrong. (also - old ladies would probably say "looked" for finger prints, not dusted...unless their big CSI fans

Quote: M Lewis @ February 26, 2008, 9:16 AM

I dont get why they are swearing all the time?

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Because Charley wrote it.

Quote: Charley @ February 26, 2008, 4:55 AM

MAUVE
He reckons I knitted with it & forgot.

View original

Great line.