Skit Comp 13 - 21.11.14

More fine stuff so congratulations to GAPPY for winning. PM me with a subject for next wank please.
Hence:

Votes - Points - Name
3 - 10 - Gappy
2 - 5 - Otterfox, Darren Hoskins
Special mention: Pugsmith, me

Your new subject: REGRET (chosen by Steve Sunshine).

Rules:
One entry/vote per person. Anyone can enter regardless of colour, sexual preferences or inside leg measurement, except voles.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything else as long as it's yours and vaguely linked to the topic. Please try to only post your entry/vote and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 21.11.14

Overall Leader Board is now:
Position - Points - Name
3 - 10 - Gappy
2 - 5 - Otterfox, Darren Hoskins

Should we have reset the points again this month, Mike?

Girl regrets winning student of the year award.

http://www.halfwaygangster.com/2014/11/15/sketch-comedy-student-year/

You're right, Gappy! What a silly little arse.
Thanks HWG. Comp still running...

1: Come in, come in.

2: So, this is it, eh, Jack's famous New York apartment?

1: Yep, my big apple bolthole. What do you reckon?

2: Lovely. But where have you been? I was nursing a coffee in the cafe opposite for 40 minutes.

1: Oh, sorry, I was shopping.

2: You don't seem to have bought much, what kept you?

1: I have to go about 20 blocks to find a shop that sells Wagon Wheels.

2: Really? Why Wagon Wheels?

1: A little taste of home, you know. Wagon Wheels; Polo mints; Harpic. Reminds me of Blighty.

2: But you never even -

1: Mug of Bovril?

2: What? No, thanks. But you never bought those things in England.

1: Weird, isn't it? I don't exactly regret moving, but now I'm over here I simply can't get by without Maltesers, custard creams or dandelion and burdock. It's a trek across town to get them, unfortunately...plus The Daily Mail is always 2 days out of date.

2: The Daily Mail?

1: Yes, I've developed xenophobia and a fear of difference since I came here. I suppose it's the little things that you don't notice that you eventually miss.

2: That doesn't seem like you.

1: Well, it helps me hold on to my roots. Now I live in another country, I find I distrust immigrants a lot more.

2: But, but that's -

1: I know, right? But the heart wants what the heart wants - in my case it wants racism, Mary Berry and a laconic bassett hound.

2: Well, I suppose it's harmless enough. So, let's not sit here yapping, I want to hit New York.

1: Now you're talking. I know this excellent little bar, where they sell proper English drinks.

2: You mean -

1: Yep

1 & 2 together: Heineken, Fosters and Jaegerbombs. Yay!!

OLE BLUE EYES ISNT BACK
St Bing's Hollywood Hospital
Priest and Dying Man

FATHER- Ah, Francis Albert, My Son...

FRANK- It's "Mr Sinatra"to you, Father.

FATHER- So, Mr Sinatra, now, the end is near, and as you face the final curtain....
Anything to repent?.....

FRANK- Regrets,

FATHER- Yes?...

FRANK- Don't interrupt me Father! Jimmy Hoffa interrupted me once....
Regrets, I've had a few, - but then again, too few to mention....

FATHER- Well, I think perhaps now is the time to mention a few, if you can....
Any nagging guilt to unburden yourself of, to lighten your immortal soul....

FRANK- Yes,...there were times, I'm sure you knew,
... When I bit off more than I could chew....

FATHER- Yes, "Gluttony", that's a start certainly....

FRANK- I ate it up and spit it out...

FATHER- I think Bulimia is considered more of an eating disorder these days....

FRANK- I faced it all and I stood tall...

FATHER- Maybe a little "Pride" creaping in there....

FRANK- And did it my way....

FATHER- Yes, definitely a big dose of Pride there...
And no mention yet, I notice, of horses heads in beds,
Your constant inventive racial belittlment of Mr Sammy Davis Junior,

FRANK- That tiny, one-eyed koiky schmutznic...

FATHER- Getting your "Mob" friends to fix the Election for JFK in 1960....

FRANK- Yes, -but you're overlooking the fact that " I did it my way!"

FATHER- All those "cement bags floating down"! ....

FRANK- That was never my way Father, that was Mack The Knife....

FATHER- All those modern "Ocean's Elevens" remakes...

FRANK- You may have a point there Father...
You know me too well Father, know the kinda man I am, know "where all the bodies are buried".

FATHER- ooh, not all of them surely, the several places where one of them is, perhaps...

FRANK- But you have to admit I did it all with my own personal style!....

FATHER- That doesn't make everything ok ! Judas might have been a very suave Kisser!

FRANK- I admit I have sinned! Forgive me quickly Father!
I hear the heavenly harps approaching!...Those Hep Cats sure can swing!

FATHER- Thats your 16 piece string section still rehearsing in the Hospital corridor.
You've been on your "Farewell World Tour" six times already.
You've had more Come-backs than Jesus or Elvis....

FRANK- I need to confess Father!

FATHER- I can't do this now, a more urgent case has just come in!

DOCTOR- Porters, wheel Edith Piaf's gurney towards the Chapel of Rest.

EDITH PIAF- Non , Rien de Rien,
Non, je ne regrette Rien....etc

"As you know," said Peter thoughtfully, "I'm not a regretful person."

"What about that time you headbutted the Mayoress?" Said Perry grinning.

Peter pretended not to hear this and continued, "I'm an intelligent man, Perry." He said as he licked his envelope. "A deep thinker."

Looking for a stamp, Peter then accidentally knocked over his stationery tower, spilling drawing-pins all over his desk.

"And it was in the paper." Said Perry.

"That was just a little, mistake, I was only trying to kiss her cheek. No, no, I don't regret, it's not a characteristic I can relate to, you know. It's not becoming of someone like me. I'm a man a science. Philosophy. Yes, that's me all right. Do you know, I can't think of a single thing that I regret." As Peter said this he started picking up various sex toys and packing them in a cardboard box.

"Or when you put 'big boobs porn' as your Facebook status" said Perry

"Yes, yes" said Peter, slightly embarrassed, "It's just that it's so close to the damn search bar but anyway, we haven't got time for all that now, the courier will be here any minute."

He picked up a blue plastic dildo with distain, followed by a leather gimp mask and some purple anal love beads and placed them in the box on his desk.

Perry continued his grin, "Or when you ordered a load of sex toys off the internet last week."

"Yes" said Peter irritably, "and I'm sending them back as we speak. Honestly!" Peter sighed a great sigh. "These websites should explain their products more clearly, bloody idiots! I thought 'adult games and toys' would be good for my dinner party."

Just then the courier arrived so Peter quickly taped up his box and scribbled the address and handed it to the delivery man.

As he sat back down, he looked at the envelope on his desk. Curiously, it had the address of the toy manufacturers that he had just sent his box to.

"Oh!" said Peter, "Oh! Oh No! Not This! Shit!"

"What's the matter Peter?" said Perry

Peter put his hands on his head, "I can't believe it." He said, shaking his head, "I must have got the addresses mixed up."

Perry, still with his stupid grin, looked at Peter.

"No, no, no, no." Peter was still shaking his head, "I wrote the addresses on the wrong things. Shit. Shit Shit. This letter was supposed to be for my mother and the box must have... Shit Shit Shit." Peter was distraught.

"Bet you regret that?" grinned Perry.

Peter was suddenly angry. "God Damn It!" He shouted. "I do not regret things! You got that?! You bloody imbecile!" As he said this he slammed his fist down onto the desk. Suddenly his angry expression turned to one of deep pain. He looked at the desk and he looked at his hand and saw a small pool of blood forming under his fist. As he slowly lifted his arm there were 8 drawing pins deeply imbedded into the flesh of his hand.

FADE IN.

TOM is in his kitchen when IAN enters very slowly and sits down

IAN

Hi mate, just let myself in, hope you don't mind.

TOM

Not at all, Ian, not at all.

IAN

Sorry I'm late, as well.

TOM

Ian I assure, you it's not a problem. Only thing is lunch'll have to be a quick fix if that's okay?

IAN

Tom, it's my fault entirely so no, I don't at all mind.

TOM

Excellent, excellent. Right let's have a look in the cupboard.

TOM approaches and rakes around the cupboard

TOM cont.

Ah, alphabet soup!

IAN

Bloody hell I haven't had this since I was this high.

TOM

You didn't actually give a physical gage there mate.

IAN

God damn my cerebral palsy!

TOM

Oh shit, sorry Ian, how could I have forgotten?

IAN

It doesn't matter, I was getting to it, just wait longer next time.

TOM

Will do.

LATER

TOM serves up two bowls of alphabet soup and sits down to eat with IAN, the two eat when suddenly their bowls begin to bubble

IAN

Oh my God! The letters have shifted!

TOM

Yeah, mine too! F**k, do yours spell out a message?

IAN

Yeah! It says, "YOURS WAS AN ISOLATED INCIDENT." You?

TOM

Shit, mine says, "YOU ARE A REPEAT OFFENDER."

IAN

How ominous, I wonder what it's on about.

TOM

Yeah I'm really freake-

THE TWO cry out as the order of the letters changes again

IAN

Shit the bed!

TOM

Yeah?

IAN

"BUTLINS, 2002." You?

TOM

"IN YOUR VERY OWN HOME." Ian, what the f**k does this mean? I'm scared ma-

IAN

Look it's changing again! Right, oh God no! Oh no!

TOM grabs his bowl which reads, "YOU CHASED HER."

TOM

Ian what the f**k?!

IAN (beginning to get upset)

Well what does yours say?!

TOM

"SHE CRIED HERSELF TO SLEEP FOR DAYS." Holy f**k, this is too much. It's too much! Oh God not again!

The order changes again, IAN inspects his bowl, cries out and attempts to throw it on the floor but finds himself unable to

TOM

Oh Lord! What's going on, is there some unseen force stopping you from touching it?

IAN (sobbing bitterly)

No, the bowl was too heavy.

TOM

Ah. The palsy. F**k me, mine says, "YOU COULD HAVE MADE IT BETTER WITH THE CLICK OF A BUTTON, BUT NO." Let's see yours then.

TOM grabs and examines IAN's bowl

TOM

"FILLED WITH RAGE, YOU GRABBED HER, YOU COULDN'T TAKE IT ANY MORE, AND YOU JUST HAD TO-" F**king hell I'm not even half way through, I swear it was a small portion. Where was I, "YOU JUST HAD TO-"

Suddenly, IAN musters the strength to knock both bowls off the table with one huge swipe.

IAN (shouting through his tears)

THAT'S ENOUGH.

TOM

Yeah, was scaring me.

IAN

What was that stuff?

TOM (grabbing the packet)

I'll look. Oh god.

TOM examines the packet then throws it to IAN, who doesn't catch it

TOM cont.

Shit!

TOM retrieves the packet and nests it on IAN's lap, who picks it up and examines it

IAN

Jesus Christ!

The camera pans on the packet labelled, "ALPHA-REGRET SOUP", and a further label saying, "WARNING: MAY CONTAIN WEAK PUNS THAT DO NOT REALLY FACILITATE AN ENTIRE SKETCH AND SOME VOODOO SHIT PUGSMITH COULDN'T BE FUCKED TO RESEARCH"

Ian pathetically throws the packet and puts his head in his hands, sobbing

TOM

Come on mate, we've both had a scare, you don't think it was actually real do you?

IAN (looking up, sombrely)

I know it was real.

TOM (horrified)

You mean? You mean you actuall-

IAN (shouting)

YES! I did it, I killed her. It was an accident, she was a bully-

TOM

I can't believe I'm sitting with a murderer.

IAN (angrily)

The alpha-regret soup chose you too, Tom! What did you do?

TOM

Me? I didn't do anything!

IAN

You must have, and in your very own home multiple times, according to the soup, hell! Your victim cried herself to sleep, just what did you-

TOM'S WIFE (O.S)

Tommy, did you remember to record Strictly tonight?

TOM

Bollocks!

IAN and TOM look at each other and laugh

THE TWO TOGETHER (SIGHING)

Women...

THE END.

Hey Pugsmith, like it but it's called alphabetti spaghetti, so maybe change it to alpha-regretti in your skit

A FATHER (50'S) AND SON (20'S) ARE SITTING ON A SOFA DRINKING WHISKY.

Son
Do you regret not giving Mum a good send off?

Father
She brought it on herself son.

Son
Do you ever think about her though? I mean it's been 3 months now.

Father
Of course.

Son
Sometimes I hear her voice.

Father
Shouting no doubt.

Son
Yes, but that was just Mum for you.

Father
Hmmf.

Son
What do you think you'd say to her if you saw her?

Father
Are you quite finished?

Son
I was only asking.

Father
No. That's what I would say to her.

Son
Oh, yes, she did go on a bit.

Father
A bit? Couldn't get a word in edge ways with that woman. Never so much as a please or a thanks.

Son
You must have one regret?

Father
I do son but it pains me to say it.

Son
What?

Father
Letting her go the way she did.

Son
How do you mean?

Father
Her lasts words to me were "I'll do it my bloody self!"

Son
Sounds like Mum. Between the both of you I'm not sure who was more stubborn.

Father
Truth is I miss her son.

Son
It's been 3 months.

Father
Would you like to take a wee moment and see if she's still with us?

Son {clasps hands]
Our father -

Father
No, no. We'll do it the old fashioned way.

FATHER LIFTS UP THE FLOORBOARD. MOTHER POPS HER HEAD UP

Son
Mum!

Father
Sadie my dear.

Son
Do you regret not letting Dad help you with the underfloor heating?

Mother
Pass me some tape please.

SON PASSES DOWN SOME TAPE. MOTHER GOES BACK DOWN UNDER FLOORBOARDS

Son
Am I hearing things Dad or did Mum just-

Father
Nope, she definitely said please.

END

Quote: Mikey88 @ 17th November 2014, 10:59 AM GMT

Hey Pugsmith, like it but it's called alphabetti spaghetti, so maybe change it to alpha-regretti in your skit

View original

Yeah I did think of that but it made room for the weak pun gag and the contents moving around, writing it with spaghetti didn't work as well for me. Cheers.

fair enough dude, best of luck. I'm quite excited - this is my first skit comp

SUPERMARKET CHECKOUT. A beautiful WOMAN bumps into a MAN.

MAN
Oh, sorry.

WOMAN
Sorry there.

MAN
After you.

WOMAN
Thanks!

She skips over to the till, only buying one or two items. The MAN begins unpacking his basket onto the conveyor belt.

WOMAN CONT.
Hey, could I get your number?

MAN
Shoot, sorry, I've not got it with me.

WOMAN
Alright, see you.

She happily leaves the SUPERMARKET. The CASHIER clucks and shakes her head.

CASHIER
Why didn't you ask for her number?

The MAN shakes his head vacantly - it didn't cross his mind.

MAN
I don't-- I don't know--

CASHIER
Hah! You'll regret that. These sausages are two for one by the way.

CAR. Film Noir style onward. The MAN pulls at his collar.

CASHIER (O.S.)
[Echoey] You'll regret that...

GRADUATION DAY. The MAN smiles, receiving his honours. He walks off stage, expression turning sour, crumpling his papers.

CASHIER (O.S.)
[Echoey] You'll regret that...

WEDDING NIGHT. The MAN sits on the edge of the bed, smoking. His WIFE, who has her hair cut like the WOMAN, anxiously watches him.

WIFE
Darling, come to bed.

MAN
[Bitterly] Don't speak to me. Wretched fraud. Pale imitation. You make me sick.

The WIFE bursts into tears, the MAN unmoved.

SUPERMARKET. MEAT AISLE. MAN stares into the freezer.

CASHIER (O.S.)
[Echoey] These sausages are two for one...

MAN begins repeatedly and methodically pummeling the Buy-One-Get-One-Free sausages with astounding determination - punching them till they're falling apart.

HOME. MAN is older, brooding, looking out of window. WIFE enters with young children.

WIFE
D-Dearest... young Keith would-

MAN
Keith! God I have made mistakes. God! I have made-

He turns to count the three children and his wife.

-five mistakes!

WIFE
[Ushering children away] Come now, he means his work.

MAN
Christ! [Striking wall] How having children was an awful, awful mistake!

RESTAURANT. MAN is very old, WIFE at his arm.

WAITRESS
Could I get your reservation number?

MAN
My... my what?

WAITRESS
Your number. Could I get your number?

MAN clutches his heart, falling against the wall. He sobs uncontrollably. His WIFE tries to attend to him but he shoves her back with a sudden and surprising force. He then continues to cry alone.

HOSPITAL. MAN lies in bed, dying. WIFE and grown children at his side.

MAN
[Beckons to WIFE. Weak.] Come, I always meant to say... but never could...

His WIFE leans in, joyful.

MAN
[Whispering] I hold you in nothing but contempt... Your very existence... I scorn.

She pulls back, surveying him with shock. MAN tries to spit on her, but from his prone position and infirmity, dribbles only on himself. His last look is one of disgust at everyone around him and himself before he dies, hatefully.

DAVID ZOWIE

TV STUDIO, BINTIE PIPER:

PRESENTER Good evening and welcome to 'The Music Tonight Show', the show about music. Tonight! My name's Bintie Piper and it's a great pleasure to introduce a true legend, the guy who's survived drugs, excess and Iggy Pop, Mr David Bowie!

Enter DAVID BOWIE to applause.

PRESENTER Mr Bowie, you've been through many...

DAVID (singing) Ch-ch-ch-changes!

PRSENTER From...

DAVID Ground control to Major Tom.

PRESENTER I meant from...

DAVID Ashes to ashes.

PRESENTER No, from one...

DAVID Fashion!

PRESENTER Through another...

DAVID Fashion!

PRESENTER Yes, to one more...

DAVID FASHION!

PRESENTER Yes. Garnering...

DAVID Fame!

PRESENTER You wrote that with John Lennon. What did you say when you met him?

DAVID John, I'm only dancing.

PRESENTER And what did he say?

DAVID Let's dance.

PRESENTER But you two were seen as...

DAVID Rebel rebel.

PRESENTER Though for...

DAVID All the young dudes...

PRESENTER You were...

DAVID Heroes.

PRESENTER But certainly...

DAVID Under pressure.

PRESENTER Through all those...

DAVID Golden years.

PRESENTER And you've lived everywhere, with...

DAVID Young Americans.

PRESENTER To...

DAVID China, girl.

PRESENTER Now you're back with an album in the charts, you look around and say...

DAVID Where are we now?

INT. DAY. STREET MARKET.

A MAN (SEÁN) IS BROWSING A STALL. HE PICKS UP A PAIR OF HEADPHONES. AN OLD MAN IN RAGGEDY CLOTHES APPROACHES HIM.

OLD MAN (INTENTLY):
AAAH,I wouldn't pick those headphones for there is a curse upon them. Buy them and you will regret it.

SEÁN (DISMISSIVELY):
Yeah whatever old man. (To the seller) I'll take them.

OLD MAN APPROACHES ANOTHER MAN WHO IS REMOVING MONEY FROM HIS WALLET.

OLD MAN:
Ooh I wouldn't do that if I were you. That tenner is cursed. Use it any you'll regret it.

INT. DAY. APARTMENT.

SEÁN IS IN HIS KITCHEN MAKING BREAKFAST. HE IS WEARING RUNNING GEAR. THE RADIO CAN BE HEARD FAINTLY IN THE BACKGROUND.

HE POURS MILK INTO HIS TEA BUT TASTES IT AND REALISES IT IS GONE OFF. HE THROWS IT OUT AND MAKES A FRESH CUP. HE BUTTERS HIS TOAST AND THE KNIFE FALLS ON THE GROUND. HE POLISHES OFF A BANANA AND THROWS THE SKIN INTO THE BIN FROM HIS SEATED POSITION. HE CLINCHES HIS FIST IN CELEBRATION.

HE TURNS UP THE RADIO.

RADIO:

....(jovial)And now for our weekly round-up of the local bad news.... A farmer was hospitalised today after he was kicked in the face by a horse. He said the pain was like being kicked in the chest.... by a horse.....

A writer was arrested for physical abuse on a fellow writer after he stuck twigs into his lips and hit him in the sides repeatedly with a cricket bat but claims that he simply 'misheard' what his writing partner said.

The accused said that his writing partner actually said "I like sticking to the script but I love ad libs", but what he heard was:

"I like sticks in the lips but I love cracked ribs."

A DOG HOPS UP ON SEANS LAP.

SEAN:

(to dog) Okay, let's take you for that run.

SEAN PUTS ON HIS HEADPHONES AS THEY HEAD OUT THE DOOR. THE 'BAD NEWS' CAN STILL BE HEARD.

RADIO:

And finally a bizarre story to finish off our bad news segment. A man was rushed to hospital today suffering from a hypothermic face and lesions caused by feathers when his head was frozen.

The unfortunate incident occurred when the man was out jogging with his dog...

SEAN BENDS DOWN AND TIES HIS LACE.

RADIO:

...The dog escaped off his leash and began chasing ducks in the park. His owner gave chase but managed to trip over a duck. His head struck the ducks nest which was filled with feathers before falling into the lake. At this point he abandoned his jog and trudged back home.

Unfortunately this was not the end of his bad fortune as when he was passing a frozen meat packing facility a valve burst, spraying ice all over his head freezing his head and embedding the feathers in his face.

SEAN:

....The poor bastard...

SEAN BEGINS TO START JOGGING WITH THE DOG.

RADIO:

Earlier in the day the man found his milk to be gone off and dropped his knife when buttering his toast. Things got a little better when he managed to get his banana skin into the bin from quite a long way away.

SEAN STOPS IN HIS TRACKS UTTERLY SHOCKED.

RADIO:

He tied his lace just before he set out on his jog but was still unable to avoid the catastrophe that unfolded.

SEAN:

That's it! We're going home. That's waaay to freaky. Did that just actually happen!?!

THEY ENTER THE FRONT DOOR.

SEAN:

I'm not setting foot outside that door! That was the weirdest thing I ever heard! I'm going to have that DVD day I promised myself ages ago.

CUT TO SEAN WATCHING A DVD WITH A BEER HOLDER FILLED WITH BOTTLES OF BEER. HIS DOG ENTERS DRIPPING WITH MUD.

SEAN:

What the hell happened to you? Fall into a slurry pit? Become a member of the Viet Cong? I just washed you and that floor yesterday! We better get you into the bath pronto!

SEAN IS WASHING THE DOG WHEN HE TRIPS OVER THE LEASH AND FALLS INTO THE BATH.

SEAN:

God damn it! Of all the falls.....

SEAN STANDS UP, GETS OUT OF THE BATH AND COMPOSES HIMSELF. JUST THEN 2 FIGHTING PIGEONS BURST THROUGH THE WINDOW LANDING ON SEANS FACE, COVERING HIM IN FEATHERS. HE REELS BACKWARDS AND FALLS ONTO HIS BEER HOLDER WHICH IS FULL OF ICE, FREEZING HIS HEAD AND EMBEDDING THE FEATHERS IN HIS FACE.

SEAN WAKES UP. HE IS IN BED AND ABRUPTLY SITS UP AND REALISES IT HAS ALL BEEN A BAD DREAM. HE IS BREATHING HEAVILY AND HIS FACE IS DRIPPING WITH SWEAT AND BREATHES A HUGE SIGH OF RELIEF.

HE FLUFFS HIS PILLOW BUT IT BURSTS FILLING HIS FACE WITH FEATHERS AS THEY STICK TO THE SWEAT. HE WALKS OVER TO THE WINDOW TO GET SOME AIR. HE OPENS THE WINDOW BUT FREEZING ARCTIC AIR BLOWS IN FREEZING HIS HEAD AND EMBEDDING THE FEATHERS IN HIS FACE. A BURNING TENNER FALLS TO THE FLOOR.

END.