I saw how long it was (!) and thought I'd see what people said first ( I know - lazy bastard) - give me half an hour or so.
Sitcom Pilot episode - 2 scenes Page 2
it's good in fairness. well written, which is always nice. just needs tighten up. but first drafts always do. if you want to swap material anytime just pm me and i'll give you my e mail.
Well I have read it and I wanted to like it but it really didn't make me laugh - sorry. The cigarette thing was a bit too long and the confusion of the names in scene 2 is a very common idea.
As I said - sorry.
Cheers for reading David, sorry its not your cup of tea. In our defence, the cigarette is part of the ongoing narrative and not a one off sketch, hence the length. Its quite an establishing scene. But thanks for your feedback nonetheless.
Wayne - Thanks for the crit, any specific parts that seem particularly "loose"?
Feedback in your intray
Forget to mention shades of Tom Sharpe, which is high praise indeed.
If you haven't read him Wilt, Porter house Blue, should provide added inspiration
Well-written;I enjoyed reading it.
I thought that (even with the rolling eyes)the 'toss you' was a clichéd first joke and rather out of keeping with the piece.
Good luck. I've heard it said that no production company/broadcaster will consider a university-set piece. Something to do with the gen. pub. hating students and students not paying for their tv licences!
JohnnyD - thanks for the heads up RE uni setting; where'd you hear that? We originally set it in a school but decided it was a) a bit "done" and b) a bit inappropriate for porn jokes...
Must agree about students not paying their tv licences (although we are both law abiding people!) but bright side - this is more about the lecturers, with some regular humiliation of students.
Sooty, thanks for your feedback, very helpful. Lots to think about!
I wouldn't worry too much, most sitcoms get rejected anyway.
Porterhouse, The Youngones, A very peculiar Practice, Dawsons Creek some do. Basically if it's good it'll get through, if you follow all the advice on what not to do, your left with a cookie cutter product
So any feedback for me?
Still in the process of reading I'm afraid (have interviews and heavy work this week) but will give you some joint feedback ASAP.
Sorry. No attributable source. I think it was a casual comment from a 'know-it-all' on this forum - so I'll probably be contradicted.
Was there porn? I missed it.
Sadly the porn is held back for a slightly later scene - didn't want to climax too early...