First stand up attempt - feedback?

Hi all,
I out on a bucket list to try stand up before I'm 30. I want to do it by January. Wonder if anybody could critique my idea. The start is weak (in fact it all might be) but any feedback welcome. Is there anything workable here?

As a science teacher, I was going to start with a science joke, but all the good ones ARGON...your response is much like what I get from a year 10 class last lesson on a Friday.

Now my memory of the male science teachers in school were of manly men who weren't phased by anything. As a chubby, red faced, slightly ginger man my parents have genetically set me up for a tough time. There's no way you can stand in front of a class of 15 year olds and convince them, that you actually have 'strawberry blonde' hair...

In fact my appearance has not only led to me being asked on numerous occasions when I plan to finally lose my virginity but also when Bradley off eastenders fell off the bridge to his death, I actually received a sympathy card.

The ease at which I turn red is something which has been tested on numerous occasions in my profession. When teaching reproduction and an 11 year old boy asked me 'sir where is the clitoris?' I went bright red, and really wanted to joke 'my ex would argue I'm not qualified to answer that question' but I replied with this... 'Some things in science are all about self-discovery'...not only is this the creepiest thing a panicked teacher has ever said to a kid but when I told friends this story every guy has turned, nodded and grinned directly at his girlfriend as if to say 'I discovered it'

Outside of my job I've also got myself into some awkward situations which trigger the red face. I once went out with mates in Cardiff the day before Christmas Eve. It was an occasion which many men have experience where you get lucky and bring a girl back but unbelievably forgot to pack a condom. Now in this situation I was in a hotel room with my mate curt next door. So I rang him, few beers, no answer, I rang again. I kept trying and trying hoping he would answer when he finally did! At this point I drunkenly screamed down the phone...
'mate I'm next door, I've pulled, have you got a condom!!' At no worse moment do you want to hear these 7 words... 'You do realise you've rang your dad!'

Welcome to the forum.

If you KNOW the start is weak - improve it. Not sure what response you are looking for if you already know it's weak. It is weak.

It's imperative you get off to a good start - particularly as this will be your first time on stage. The ARGON line went over my head (I just Googled it - I was shit at science). You need to make your material accessible for every member or at least 90% of your audience otherwise you completely alienate them and end up with no laughs and ticking time bomb.

"As a science teacher, I was going to start with a science joke but there's just so many elements you've got to get right" Granted that is shit and technically less funny than yours but guaranteed 100% of the audience would get the joke.

Now my memory of the male science teachers in school were of manly men who weren't phased by anything. As a chubby, red faced, slightly ginger man my parents have genetically set me up for a tough time. There's no way you can stand in front of a class of 15 year olds and convince them, that you actually have 'strawberry blonde' hair...

This seems like quite a bit of setup for very little pay-off. It's a ginger/strawberry blonde scenario but with nothing really added or original. The first line could be removed completely - it serves no purpose.

In fact my appearance has not only led to me being asked on numerous occasions when I plan to finally lose my virginity but also when Bradley off eastenders fell off the bridge to his death, I actually received a sympathy card.

Virginity joke is okay and may get some chuckles but it's not very original. Bradley joke is quite funny and would get a laugh no doubt. Would cut it down though - remove the bridge and how he did. Cut straight to the chase. "When Bradley died in EastEnders I actually received sympathy cards"

The ease at which I turn red is something which has been tested on numerous occasions in my profession. When teaching reproduction and an 11 year old boy asked me 'sir where is the clitoris?' I went bright red, and really wanted to joke 'my ex would argue I'm not qualified to answer that question' but I replied with this... 'Some things in science are all about self-discovery'...not only is this the creepiest thing a panicked teacher has ever said to a kid but when I told friends this story every guy has turned, nodded and grinned directly at his girlfriend as if to say 'I discovered it'

Quite good but needs trimming. Delete anything that is not useful or is needed to setup the punchline. First line can be removed again. The "My ex" reply is okay and will get a little chuckle but again this could be so much better. Make it more extreme "My ex used to hide hers". Rather than say you told friends the story - turn on the audience and use their reactions to their girlfriends. "Look...that guy is hoping I have the actual answer".

Outside of my job I've also got myself into some awkward situations which trigger the red face. I once went out with mates in Cardiff the day before Christmas Eve (or as I like to call it Christmas Adam, cause everyone knows Adam came before Eve). It was an occasion which many men have experience where you get lucky and bring a girl back but unbelievably forgot to pack a condom. Now in this situation I was in a hotel room with my mate curt next door. So I rang him, few beers, no answer, I rang again. I kept trying and trying hoping he would answer when he finally did! At this point I drunkenly screamed down the phone...
'mate I'm next door, I've pulled, have you got a condom!!' At no worse moment do you want to hear these 7 words... 'You do realise you've rang your dad!'

Again, huge setup (with no laughs) and a weakish pay-off and the "Phoned dad/mum" instead scenario has been done to death. I would start again with the last paragraph or at least think up something more original and much funnier.

Hope this helps!

Cheers
Craig

I'd burn it and start again, sorry, don't normally trash others work but this is worse than lame, ginger /self deprecating jokes have had there day, and as for science teachers there mostly all socially impaired geeks, not manly types, just doesn't work sorry.
and as for you dad answering the phone who cares dads don't this is 2014 not 1963!
sorry, please try again I'm sure you have it in you.

Quote: FunyHaHA Not Funy Strange @ 30th October 2014, 12:21 PM GMT

I'd burn it and start again, sorry, don't normally trash others work but this is worse than lame, ginger /self deprecating jokes have had there day, and as for science teachers there mostly all socially impaired geeks, not manly types, just doesn't work sorry.
and as for you dad answering the phone who cares dads don't this is 2014 not 1963!
sorry, please try again I'm sure you have it in you.

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My version

Funy's version

Quote: Rdj1 @ 30th October 2014, 12:39 AM GMT

When teaching reproduction and an 11 year old boy asked me 'sir where is the clitoris?' I went bright red, and really wanted to joke 'my ex would argue I'm not qualified to answer that question' but I replied with this... 'Some things in science are all about self-discovery'..
'mate I'm next door, I've pulled, have you got a condom!!' At no worse moment do you want to hear these 7 words... 'You do realise you've rang your dad!'

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These jokes aren't bad the rest are very bad.

Less self deprecating and work more on building a strong comedy persona.

nb I'd finish the dad condom joke with

......so do you have a condom dad and can you drive over.

Quote: Craig H @ 30th October 2014, 11:21 AM GMT

You need to make your material accessible for every member or at least 90% of your audience otherwise you completely alienate them

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I'm slightly dubious about this as an ethos, but I will agree that the routine is not that good.

To be honest, I thought the argon joke was funny, if you were delivering it in the style of a desperate teacher character. I would probably laugh at a whole routine done like that.

Quote: gappy @ 30th October 2014, 2:24 PM GMT

I'm slightly dubious about this as an ethos, but I will agree that the routine is not that good.

To be honest, I thought the argon joke was funny, if you were delivering it in the style of a desperate teacher character. I would probably laugh at a whole routine done like that.

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If the audience don't get your jokes they're not going to laugh.

I wouldn't have got the argon joke BUT I'd have done a half-hearted "I don't get it but don't want to look like a thicko" laugh. You know the one gappy.

Quote: Craig H @ 30th October 2014, 2:38 PM GMT

I wouldn't have got the argon joke BUT I'd have done a half-hearted "I don't get it but don't want to look like a thicko" laugh. You know the one gappy.

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All too well.