Okay, here goes. It isn't perfect, but I think it may be a start. This is the first episode of my Sitcom "Branched." All feedback appreciated, thanks.
FADE IN
INT. THE FLAT- MORNING.
MAX AND GARY ARE BREAKFASTING. GARY IS EATING TOAST AND READING THE NEWSPAPER, MAX IS EATING THE NEWSPAPER AND READING HIS TOAST. MAX'S NEWSPAPER EATING SLOWLY GROWS MORE AUDIBLE.
GARY
Why are you doing that?
MAX
Gary, its opposite day.
GARY
You're committed then, is that an actual day?
MAX
No.
GARY
Oh, then why are you doing it?
MAX
Yes means no.
GARY
What?
MAX (WHISPERING)
No means yes.
GARY
Oh. You sound like a rapist now.
MAX
I assure Gary any sex I have is non consensual.
THEY EAT IN SILENCE
GARY CONT.
I better get to work then.
GARY TAKES HIS COAT AND CASE
MAX
Don't you mean "not to work"?
GARY
Right, yeah, not to work.
MAX
Layabout.
GARY
Outstanding.
MAX (UNDER HIS BREATH, CONCENTRATING)
Stand-around.
GARY (PICKING UP A NEWSPAPER BAG AND WAVING IT IN MAX'S FACE)
Don't you work too hard.
MAX (NODDING HEAD)
No, no.
GARY EXITS. MONTAGE OF MAX LYING AROUND THE FLAT
EXT. ROAD- DAY.
GARY CYCLES TO WORK IN A HELMET
EXT. BLUTECH- DAY.
GARY WALKS INTO WORK
INT. BLUTECH- DAY.
AN OFFICE. GARY WALKS UP TO KEN, A LARGE, BALD MAN STANDING BY THE WATER
COOLER
KEN
You want some water boss?
GARY (NONPLUSSED)
Yes Ken that'd be lovely.
GARY SPEAKS INTO HIS BLUTOOTH EARPIECE WHILE IN THE BACKGROUND KEN DISMANTLES THE TANK OF THE WATER COOLER IN ORDER TO POUR A CUP, CLUMSILY FALLING AND DRENCHING HIMSELF
GARY
Yes that would be possible. No, not at all. Mrs. Johnson I can assure you- I mean yes! Of course. I'll speak to you this afternoon. What? Is it? Well its that time of the month where things get a bit difficult. Yes. Well, up until now I'd say its been a great cycle. I'm sorry? No I don't think it should smell like that. All great chemists, Mrs. Johnson. If you're looking for maximum absorbency, I'd go pearl. Yes, tampax. Okay, goodbye Mrs. Johnson, see you soon.
GARY LEAVES KEN, HAVING FORGOTTEN ABOUT THE WATER. HE WALKS TO HIS OWN PERSONAL OFFICE, BUMPING INTO JENNA, his ASSISTANT ON THE WAY
JENNA
Gary! You're here, Adams said you need see him ASAP, also Mark isn't for the
next month so you're going to need to speak to HR about finding a suitable temp.
GARY
A month! What happened?
JENNA
He touched an egg.
GARY LOOKS QUIZICALLY JENNA
JENNA
At room temperature!
GARY
Oh! God, yeah, I forgot about that whole thing.
JENNA
Yeah, the doctors have said it might actually be more of a psychological
thing. Mind over matter, you know?
GARY (WALKING AWAY)
Yeah yeah, well we'll get him a card. I want those papers on my desk by 3.
GARY MAKES HIS WAY TO HIS BOSS' OFFICE AND ENTERS TO DISCOVER THE ROOM
UNOCCUPIED
GARY
Sir, you wanted to see me? Sir?
ADAMS OS
I knew I would be visited by you today, Glitter.
GARY
Well Sir, you did ask for me.
ADAMS
Come and find me.
GARY LOOKS TO THE CUPBOARD ADAMS' VOICE IS HEARD FROM
GARY
Are you in the cupboard sir?
THE CUPBOARD DOOR OPENS, REVEALING ADAMS, WHO STEPS OUT
ADAMS
That was a tight squeeze.
ADAMS REACHES OUT AND SQUEEZES GARY'S NECK AS GARY RECOILS
ADAMS
Squeeze.
ADAMS RETRACTS HIS HAND
ADAMS
I squeezed you because I said squeeze.
ADAMS ATTEMPTS TO SQUEEZE GARY AGAIN
ADAMS
Squeeze.
GARY KNOCKS ADAMS AWAY
GARY
Yeah, I got that. Why did you call me in here?
ADAMS PRESENTS HIS HAND GARY
ADAMS
Well, Glitter, as you can see on the back of my hand, sales figures have risen by 0.2% in the past quarterly, it's brilliant.
GARY (CONFUSED)
I thought they'd fallen.
ADAMS
No, I know them like the back of my hand.
ADAMS SLOWLY RAISED THE BACK OF HIS HAND TO HIS MOUTH AND LICKS IT WHILE STARING AT GARY
GARY
Oh! Well, if you're sure, that's brilliant. Thanks for letting me know.
GARY GOES TO LEAVE ADAMS' OFFICE
ADAMS
Don't go just yet.
ADAMS RETRIEVES A DUSTY PARTY HAT "IT'S A GIRL" PRINTED ON IT
ADAMS
You're being promoted.
GARY
What? Really? Sir I can't than-
ADAMS (INTERRUPTING)
Think nothing of it, child.
ADAMS SLOWLY APPROACHES GARY INTENT ON PUTTING THE PARTY HAT ON HIS HEAD
ADAMS
I've been watching you, and what I see pleases me in ways you can't imagine. You excite me, Glitter, and you satisfy all of my needs. You'll be briefed on your new position tomorrow.
ADAMS ATTEMPTS TO PLACE THE PARTY HAT ON GARY'S HEAD, GARY AGAIN RECOILS
GARY
Well, Sir, I best go and keep up the good work then eh?
GARY EXITS THE ROOM, ADAMS ENTERS THE CUPBOARD. GARY WALKS THROUGH THE OFFICE, BUMPING AGAIN INTO JENNA
JENNA
Hi, what did he want then?
GARY
Not much, I only got promoted.
JENNA
Oh really, that's fantastic Gary, yeah, really good.
GARY
Thanks Jen, I'll see you later on then.
ADAMS CONFUSEDLY WATCHES GARY THROUGH THE BLINDS OF HIS OFFICE WINDOW GOING ABOUT THE OFFICE SMILING AND LAUGHING WITH PEOPLE, SHAKES HIS HEAD AND WLAKS BACK TO HIS DESK
CUT TO MAX LYING DOWN ON THE FLAT'S SOFA. THE PHONE RINGS. MAX ANSWERS.
MAX
Hello
GARY OS
Max, I've been promoted!
MAX
What, you're going to the moon?!
GARY
What? No you idiot, as of tomorrow I am deputy sales executive.
MAX
Oh, I thought you'd been promoted to astronaut.
GARY
How could that possibly happen? How?
MAX
Power has changed you.
GARY
And you're an idiot. I'm going to throw a party for all the worker ants.
MAX
Um, ok.
GARY
So we're going to need party hats, nibbles, balloons, the classics.
MAX
Do you realise you're asking a lot?
GARY
Just go to the supermarket! They'll have what we need.
MAX
Are you sure?
GARY
I'm f**king positive!
GARY HANGS UP
INT. BLUTECH OFFICE- DAY.
GARY STANDS ON A TABLE
GARY (SHOUTING)
Everyone!
NONE OF THE OFFICE WORKERS TURN AROUND
GARY CONT.
Guys! Hey!
NOBODY HEARS HIM. GARY TURNS TO KEN, STILL SOAKED
GARY CONT.
Ken would you?
KEN LETS OUT A LENGTHY CALL ("AAAAAAA"). EVERYONE TURNS SUDDENLY
GARY CONT.
Hey everyone I-
KEN IS CONTINUING TO CALL
GARY CONT.
Yeah Ken thanks.
KEN CLOSES HIS MOUTH
GARY CONT.
Hey everyone I've been promoted!
ONE OR TWO PEOPLE CLAP HALF HEARTEDLY, KEN SHAKES HIS ARMS IN THE AIR
KEN
Yes!
GARY
So to celebrate, after work let's all party at my place!
INT. SUPERMARKET- DAY.
MAX IS WANDERING THE AISLES
MAX
Worker ants, worker ants.
MAX APPROACHED A FEMALE SHOP WORKER
MAX
Hello, do you have any food for worker ants?
SHOP WORKER
Worker ants?
MAX
Yes, I'm throwing a party for some worker ants.
SHOP WORKER
You mean like, a work party?
MAX
For the working ant, yes.
SHOP WORKER
Like, insect ants?
MAX
ANTS!
TWO GROWN MEN DRESSED AS ANTS NEARBY TURN AROUND DRAMATICALLY
SHOP WORKER
I don't think we have anything for ants, sorry.
MAX BEGINS TO WALK AWAY
MAX
Racist!
INT. SECOND SUPERMARKET- DAY.
MAX IS FORAGING ON HIS HANDS AND K NEES IN THE AISLES FOR THE SMALLEST FOODS AVAILABLE, IN HIS BASKED ARE SOME KID SIZED SNACKS AND BABY FOOD. A SHOP WORKER APPROACHES MAX
SHOP WORKER #2
Can I help you there?
MAX
You can't help me!
SHOP WORKER #2
Oh, uh, alright.
MAX
No it's not alright! It's not alright!
MAX GATHERS AN ARMFUL OF CRISPS FROM THE SHELVES AND RUNS DOWN THE AISLE
INT. THIRD SUPERMARKET- DAY.
MAX SHIFTILY APPROACHES A SHOP WORKER
MAX
You got any food for worker ants?
SHOP WORKER #3
We've got some specially formulated food just for beetles!
SHOP WORKER #3 PCIKS UP A BOTTLE LABELLED BEETLE FOOD FROM THE SHELF
MAX
No, no, no!
MAX KNOCKS ALL OF THE BOTTLES OF BEETLE FOOD FROM THE SHELF BEFORE RUNNING OUT OF THE SUPER MARKET
INT. THE FLAT- AFTERNOON
MAX IS SITTING IN THE MIDDLE OF THE RROM, MAKING TINY HATS OUT OF PAPER, SEVERAL OTHER TINY HATS REST AROUND HIM. CRUMBLED CRISPS IN A BOWL, AN EGG CUP OF WINE AND FUN SIZED CHOCOLATE BARS ARE ON THE TABLE. THE PHONE RINGS
GARY OS
Max, did you get the food for the party?
MAX
Yeah, kind of.
GARY
What, how hard is it to buy food for people?
MAX
People, I thought you said ants!
GARY
What? There are no ants coming to this party Max.
MAX
Sorry lads you'll have to leave.
THE TWO ANTS SEEN EARLIER IN THE SUPERMARKET LEAVE, MUTTERING
GARY
Who are you talking to? Why are you talking about ants? What on ear-
MAX
Nobody, it doesn't matter. I'll go to the supermarket now.
GARY BITES HIS KNUCKLE AND EXHALED HEAVILY
GARY
Okay, Bye.
INT. OFFICE- DAY
GARY IS ROAMING AROUND THE OFFICE TERRORISING HIS STAFF
GARY
Jen, I need those papers now!
JENNA
Gary you said three!
GARY
That's Mr Glitter to you little miss papersbythree, I need them now! I don't have time for this shit. You're on thin ice Jen, thin ice. The ice went to slimming world and was forced to stare at a lump of lard and told its children would miss it when it died prematurely and now, well now Jen its
bordering anorexia. I don't have time!
JENNA
Oh God alright, they'll be there asap.
GARY
WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE?
JENNA TURNS TO LEAVE
GARY
FUCKING RUN, SPRINT YOU WHORE!
GARY LEAVES TO GO TO HIS OFFICE. THREE OTHER OFFICE WORKERS START A CONVERSATION ABOUT GARY
OFFICE WORKER #1
Jesus Christ, he needs to calm down, it's only a promotion.
JENNA IS SEEN SPRINTING PAST
OFFICE WORKER #2
Yeah, all of a sudden he's terrorising the whole office. What's he been promoted to, terrorist?
OFFICE WORKER #2 SNORTS. NOBODY ELSE LAUGHS, BUT THEY DO LOOK AT HIM STRANGELY
OFFICE WORKER #3
Yeah, he's like Raul Promoat.
OFFICE WORKER #1 LAUGHS
OFFICE WORKER #2
Yeah, like he's a terrorist or something.
BOTH OTHER OFFICE WORKERS LEAVE AWKWARDLY, WHILE #2 DEVESTATEDLY GETS UP AND WALKS TO HIS DESK TO OPEN HIS DRAWER, REVEALING A NOOSE. A SINGLE TEAR RUNS S DOWN HIS CHEEK
INT. GARY'S OFFICE- DAY.
JENNA WALKS INTO THE OFFICE TEARFULLY
GARY
Yes Mrs Johnson, the meeting was wonderful, no, it wasn't a problem. Well, we're all human under these clothes. I'm sure the stain will come out. Okay bye.
GARY SEES JENNA
GARY
Jen could you just mind out of the way there.
JENNA MOVES
GARY
That's it.
TWO MEN WALK IN DRESSED IN OVERALLS, HOLDING A LARGE PORTRAIT OF GARY AND PROCEED TO PUT IT ON THE WALL
GARY
What was it you wanted then?
JENNA
I, I have the papers.
GARY TAKES THE PAPERS AND PLACES THEM IN HIS SHREDDER
GARY
Whoops, I slipped, it's all this thin ice.
GARY SHUDDERS
GARY
I'm frosty, and you shouldn't be out this far, you could fall through.
JENNA BEGINS TO CRY
GARY (SAVAGELY)
PAPERS!
TWO MEN DRESSED AS NEWSPAPERS TURN AROUND DRAMATICALLY
JENNA LEAVES THE ROOM AND GARY WATCHES HIS PORTRAIT PLACED
GARY
A little to the left.
INT. FIRST SUPERMARKER- AFTERNOON
A DISHEVELLED MAX APPROACHES SHOP WORKER #1
MAX
I need food, for a party!
SHOP WORKER #1
Ooh, it's you again, look what I found!
SHOP WORKER #1 PRESENTS A TIN LABELLED,"ANT FOOD"
MAX (ANGRY)
What's this supposed to feed? Ants? Listen here
MAX INSPECTS HER NAMETAG- SINEAD
"Sin 'ed" Why don't you just can it?
MAX PUSHES SINEAD INTO THE NEARBY STACK OF CANS, SHE WRITHES IN PAIN AS HE ATTEMPTS TO ESCAPE. WHEN SHE GRABS HIS ANKLE, MAX GRABS A TIN OF PEAS AND HITS HER FORCEFULLY IN THE FACE. SINEAD SCREAMS AND MAX RUNS AWAY WITH THE PEAS
INT. SUPERMARKET #2- AFTERNOON
MAX HAS A BASKED FILLED WITH ACTUAL PARTY FOOD AND DRINK, AS WELL AS SOME INEXPLICABLE GAMMON. HE APPROACHES THE SELF SERVICE CHECKOUT
MAX
F**king thing isn't working.
ASSISTANT
Oh, you need to pop it in the bagging area love.
MAX
Oh, right.
MAX PLACES THE GAMMON ON FLOOR
ASSISTANT
No, love, the bagging area.
MAX PLACES THE GAMMON ON TOP OF THE MACHINE
ASSISTANT
The bagging area!
MAX PERFECTLY PLACES THE GAMMON ON THE ASSISTANT'S HEAD, WHO EXPRESSIONLESSLY POINTS TO THE BAGGING AREA
ASSISTANT
Over there, dear.
INT. PARTY SHOP- AFTERNOON.
MAX APPROACHES THE ASSISTANT
MAX
I need to get some stuff for a small get together, what would you recommend?
ASSISTANT
Well, some party poppers, a few napkins, plastic cups, the works.
MAX
What about balloons?
ASSISTANT LIFTS UP A COCOON
ASSISTANT
Cocoons?
MAX
Balloons.
ASSISTANT LIFTS UPS A CHEST WHICH HE OPENS, CONTAINING GOLD PIECES
ASSISTANT
Doubloons?
MAX
BALLOONS!
TWO PEOPLE DRESSED AS BALLOONS DRAMATICALLS TURN AROUND
ASSISTANT
Oh, balloons.
MAX BUYS THE BALLOONS
MAX
Do you get much business selling cocoons?
ASSISTANT PRESENTS A BASSOON
ASSISTANT
Bassoons?
INT. OFFICE- AFTERNOON
OUTSIDE GARY'S OFFICE, KEN IS STILL INEXPLICABLY WET FROM THE WATER COOLER INCIDENT, AND CARRIES IN A PATHETIC PAPER CUP OF WATER. HOWEVER HE SLIPS ONTO HIS BACK SPILLING IT ALL OVER HIMSELF
GARY IS LEAVING HIS OFFICE WITH HIS CASE
GARY
Ken you've really got to mind the thin ice around here.
KEN
I, I got you a cup-
GARY
Yes I'll see you later Ken.
INT. FLAT- NIGHT.
GARY STANDS IN A DECORATED FLAT. MAX IS IN THE KITCHEN
GARY
Could you ah - come over here Max?
MAX (CLOSING THE OVEN)
What?
GARY
Listen, I don't know if you've invited him but Bernard - he can't come tonight.
MAX
Gary, he's my dad!
GARY
I just think he'd make people uncomfortable.
MAX (SIGIHING)
Okay.
GARY
So that's sorted.
GARY WANDERS AWAY, BUT PICKS UP A WAFFLE MAKER WITH GOOGLY EYES GLUED ONTO
IT
GARY CONT.
What on earth.
MAX
Ah. Thought you might find that. That's Doctor Waffleson.
GARY
Doctor Waffleson.
MAX
Yeah. I thought - you've got a lot of people from your side, so I thought
I'll have one from my side.
GARY
Your side? It's a waffle toaster! It's my waffle toaster!
MAX
You don't want my dad to come, you don't want my doctor to come!
MAX STORMS AWAY
GARY
He's not a doctor! He's not medically qualified!
INT. THE FLAT- NIGHT.
THE PARTY IS IN FULL SWING. The ANT, NEWSPAPER AND BALLOON PEOPLE CAN ALL BE SEEN IN THE BACKGROUND. THE OFFICE COHORT DRINK AND CHAR. GARY IS SPEAKING WITH SOME COLLEAGUES. A BOWL OF PEAS AND A GAMMON LIE AMONG THE REGULAR PARTY FOOD
GARY
So I told her, I told her "It's fr-r-r-osty!"
THEY ALL LAUGH
ANOTHER GROUP OF OFFICE WORKERS ARE GATHERED, MAX AMONG THEM
#1
Have you seen the bowl of f**king peas over there?
#2
I know! What sort of mentaloid planned this party?
MAX
I think it's nice someone has went to the effort to set out food for the
guests.
#1
Some f**king mad pea enthusiast obviously.
THEY ALL LAUGH EXCEPT MAX
#3
Did you see there's a whole gammon over there?
#2
What goes through a person's mind when they bring an entire gammon to a
party?
#1
"Duh look at me I'm-a gonna bring a gammon to a work do"
#3
Nobody invited Ken, did they?
Ext. ROAD- NIGHT.
KEN RUNS, STILL SOAKED, WITH A SINGLE CUP OF WATER
INT. THE FLAT- NIGHT.
MAX
I quite like gammon it's-
#1 GOES AND PICKS UP THE GAMMON FROM THE TABLE, WINGING IT AROUND AND GRUNTING
#1
I'm the bellend that bought the gammon!
MAX TACKLES #1 AND DRAGS HIM TO THE KITCHEN WHERE HE PLACES HIS HAND INSIDE DOCTOR WAFFLESON FLICKING THE ON SWITCH
MAX
Insult my gammon, eh? Let me introduce you to Doctor Waffleson!
#1
What the hell man? It's not even hot anyway.
MAX
Yeah you have to wait a minute for it to heat up.
#2
That's not bad actually, where'd you get it?
MAX
Online.
#2
Oh.
#1
Guys its getting hot.
#1 TRIES TO REMOVE HIS HAND. MAX CLAMPS DOWN HARDER. GARY ENTERS ANNOYED
GARY
What the f**k are you doing you f**king idiot? That's for waffles, not the hands of my colleague. Wait, you don't work at Blutech.
#1
I know, I only came because I knew there would be gammon, I'm sorry just free my hand.
#2
I thought I didn't recognise you.
#3
Yeah he told me he was from I.T.
MAX
Explain yourself.
BLACK AND WHITE
INT. SUPERMARKET- DAY.
REPLAY OF MAX BUYING GAMMON AT SELF SERVICE CHECK OUT
#1 (O.S)
It all started when I saw you in the supermarket
IN THE BACKGROUND #1 LURKS
#1 (O.S)
Buying your gammon, carrying it home
MAX (O.S)
What does it all mean?
#1 (O.S)
That this was all an elaborate plot to steal your ham which has been cured
or smoked like bacon.
MAX (O.S)
I don't understand.
#1 (O.S)
I mocked the gammon, I insulted the gammon, but all along I was trying to get closer to it.
INT. THE FLAT - NIGHT.
A SMALL CIRCLE HAS FORMED AROUND #1 AND MAX, WHO STILL SITS ON TOP OF HIM WITH HIS HAND IN THE WAFFLE MAKER
MAX
You mean, you don't work at Blutech?
#1
No I- I thought I explained that at the start
#1's HAND BEGINGS TO STEAM AND HE CRIES IN PAIN
GARY
Max let go of the madman's hand
MAX RELEASES HIM AND HE FLEES THE FLAT
GARY CONT.
Alright everyone as you were.
THE MUSIC RETURNS AND THE PARTY RESUMES
INT. THE FLAT- MIDNIGHT.
THE ANT PEOPLE ARE EATING PEAS FROM, THE BOWL AND FARY SPEAKES TO SOMEONE
AMONG TO THE PARTYGOERS
GARY
That Jen, she's going to be the first to go. I mean, I think the office is a better place without her. Frankly. I'm not saying this because I am drunk, I'm saying it because it's the truth. I mean when she was on leave, you
know, for the abortion, work rates went through the roof.
JENNA IS THE PERSON HE IS SPEAKING TO, LOOKING DISGUSTED. THE DOOR SWINGS OPEN AND ADAMS ENTERS
ADAMS
Gary! Just the person I wanted to see.
HE CHECKS HIS WATCH
ADAMS CONT.
Minute past twelve. Excellent. I just wanted to clarify that you've been demoted.
GARY
What? But when? Why?
ADAMS
When I told you on opposite day, that you had been promoted, I in fact meant you had been demoted.
GARY
That's completely mad.
ADAMS
So we're on the same page.
GARY SITS DOWN
GARY
What the f**k.
ADAMS
Yeah.
HE SEES THE GAMMON
ADAMS CONT.
Ah! Gammon, my favourite!
ADAMS STRIDES OVER TO THE GAMMON AND EATS. THERE IS AN AWKWARD SILENCE
MAX
Well this party is dead. After party at my place!
THE PARTYGOERS CHEER AND FLOOD OUT OF THE FLAT WITH MAX LEADING. GARY IS
LEFT WITH HIS HEAD IN HIS HANDS AS ADAMS DEVOURS THE GAMMON
EXT. THE FLAT- NIGHT.
THE PARTYGOERS CHEER AS THEY POUR OUTSIDE
#2
Where about do you live?
MAX
Somewhere around here.
MAX REALISES HIS MISTAKE AND POINTS TO THE DOOR THEY CAME FROM. THEY ALL CHEER REGARDLESS AND HEAD BACK INSIDE
INT. THE FLAT- NIGHT.
AN ANT PERSON IS PATTING GARY ON THE BACK, STILL SEATED. MAX OPENS THE DOOR
MAX
Hey guys, Gary's already here!
THEY ALL CHEER AND THE FESTIVITES RESUME
INT. THE FLAT- NIGHT.
THE PARTY IS OVER. REMAINS LIE ABOUT THE PLACE. GARY IS ASLEEP IN THE SAME CHAIR. A LOUD OPENING OF THE DOOR AWAKES HIM AS KEN PANTING AND STILL SOAKED ENTERS, HOLDING A CUP OF WATER FOR GARY. IT SLIPS FROM HIS FINGERS ONTO THE FLOOR. KEN LETS OUT A SOB AND RUNS OUT. ADAMS LOOKS UP FROM THE GAMMON WHICH HE HAS FINISHED
ADAMS
Damn good gammon Gary.
He SAUNTERS TO THE DOOR
ADAMS
Catch you tomorrow, assistant sales executive.
ADAMS LEAVES. MAX STUMBLED PAST GARY CLUTCHING HIS STOMACH
INT. THE BATHROOM- NIGHT.
MAX THROWS UP ON THE BATHROOM FLOOR. IN HIS VOMIT ARE NEWSPAPER CUTTINGS
WHICH SPELL OUT "THE END"
END
