IF FREELANCE WRITING WAS LIKE RUNNING A PET SHOP
CUSTOMER
Hello, I would like to purchase a cat
SHOPKEEPER
Excellent choice sir, what variety of cat would you like? We have exotic short hairs, Siberian long haired...
CUSTOMER
What's your cheapest cat?
SHOPKEEPER
Well, we have this tabby, moggy 20 quid.
CUSTOMER
Can I have it for a fiver?
SHOPKEEPER
No
CUSTOMER
Well, this guy in Bangladesh offered to sell me an elephant for a fiver.
SHOPKEEPER
Well, that's not a cat is it, it weighs several thousand times more, is vastly more expensive to feed and is likely to demolish your house and kill you.
CUSTOMER
Yes but it's only a fiver.
SHOPKEEPER
Well, how are you going to get your hands on it, I mean postage would run into the thousands of pounds.
CUSTOMER
Fine, look I'm still looking to do a deal I'm not really in need of a whole cat.
SHOPKEEPER
Are you asking me to sell you a part of a cat, it's a living creature you don't seriously expect me to dismember the poor creature.
CUSTOMER
Look all I need is a head to show appreciation by purring, a tail to wag to show it's unhappy by wagging. Cats, unlike dogs, wag their tails when they're unhappy.
SHOPKEEPER
You're insane.
CUSTOMER
You're dead right....I'd need some spinal cord to link the head and the tail.
SHOPKEEPER
Take your sick, money saving, Isle of Dr Morrow fantasies and get out of my shop!
CUSTOMER
My neighbour could dress up as a cat, and I could feed him pilchards
SHOPKEEPER
Get out!
CUSTOMER
Fine I'm going to dress up as a cat myself and feed myself pilchards and save myself the money, ha!
CUSTOMER STORMS OUT ANOTHER CUSTOMER WALKS IN
SHOPKEEPER
Phew thank goodness that tight fisted loony has left, how can I help you sir.
CUSTOMER2
Right then my good man, it's this dead parrot what you sold me last week it's dead, and what's worse it's clearly ripped off of a Monty Python sketch
