Life Goes On Pilot (FEEDBACK PLEASE)

Post removed.

I read through the first couple of scenes and here's my thoughts.

1 There's one joke in the first few pages and it's kinda obvious.
2 The first few scenes are two characters who are very samey talking to each other, if you blanked out their names they'd be hard to tell apart.
3 There's very little action or physical action, it feels like they're just standing around talking at each other.
4 The language is very narrative heavy, e.g. characters describing what they're doing instead of us seeing it.

I'd say work your characters more strongly, work out how they relate and develop some more jokes, as well as more descriptions of whats actually happening.

It does seem a bit confusing calling an unbroadcasted script a pilot. A script can only be a script, unfortunately.
After all you can write the whole series using this method.

Quote: sootyj @ 19th October 2014, 6:25 PM BST

I read through the first couple of scenes and here's my thoughts.

1 There's one joke in the first few pages and it's kinda obvious.
2 The first few scenes are two characters who are very samey talking to each other, if you blanked out their names they'd be hard to tell apart.
3 There's very little action or physical action, it feels like they're just standing around talking at each other.
4 The language is very narrative heavy, e.g. characters describing what they're doing instead of us seeing it.

I'd say work your characters more strongly, work out how they relate and develop some more jokes, as well as more descriptions of whats actually happening.

View original

I couldn't possibly have put this better, my thoughts precisely.

Sit coms are really hard to do, they need action, character and gags at all times: it's like the fire triangle. This is why I wirte sketches, because you can get away with just 1 or 2 of the 3.

Go through it with a red pencil.
Cut out every line that isn't either funny or necessary.
Currently it seems to be, mainly. people saying hello to each other.
Work out what has to happen in each scene and find the quickest way of achieving that - join the action as late as possible, leave it as early as possible.
I only got a few pages in before I gave up the ghost, I'm afraid - and that's because it's a hard read with not enough happening.

GREAT advice from some very knowledgeable people Josh. Take it all on board and take it all as constructive criticism as that's exactly what it is.

Out of curiosity how long did it take you to write?

All the best
Craig

First of all, Josh, well done for putting this up. You'll have to be prepared for harsh, but helpful, advice. It isn't like showing it to family and friends, who'll praise it because it's yours, which is worse than useless.
You were advised to put up just ten or so pages, by which time people can tell if it's got promise, but we've got the whole thing, which nobody's going to wade through unless it's a work of genius, which it isn't.
Besides other people's practical advice about cutting severely, you should know that most first attempt sitcoms in Critique start with two or three young men exchanging banter about their sexual prowess or lack of it, in which it's revealed that one or all of them are lusting after an unobtainable woman. Needless to say, one of them subsequently gets off with her. Like Lazzard, I couldn't get through more than the first few pages, as it's so crammed with unnecessary description, but I'm willing to bet that's what happens.
It's essential that you start with a good strong plot, which must begin to be told right from the start. The jokes should then flow naturally from that strong central thread. Go back and start cutting and rewriting! Good luck.

I gave it a glance and no more feedback for you.

Sorry but you need to make some really fundamental changes and until then you're wasting our time.
Sorry to be blunt.

This script doesn't need tweeking it needs an overhaul.

It'd be like asking someone to polish the windscreen on a car wreck.

Sorry ,Josh, the fact that you're happy with these new scenes doesn't bode well.
Just more banter, I 'm afraid.
It doesn't take us anywhere.

This has been a baptism of fire for you, Josh, but don't give up. Leave it alone for a few days, then look at it with new eyes, and start again - with a well thought-out plot, that hits the ground running! Best of luck.

Get thee to a charity shop Josh then pick up a copy of a sitcom script you like, actually what am I saying look one up on Writers Room and print it out.

Then go through it with a highlighter and identify each joke.

Now think why does that joke work, why is it funny.

Come on guys he was only joshing.

Some good if blunt advice Josh. Take it all on board and carry on writing. I would recommend that you write less and post more. Post as many updates/superseded versions on here as often as you possibly can. You will slowly but surely start to develop something closer to a sitcom.

3 weeks is a very short space of time to write a sitcom, particularly for one person and if it's not your full time occupation.

Scrap your entire script now and start fresh. Once you have a few scenes (you have edited and believe are VERY GOOD) post on here and request more feedback.

Hope that helps.

Best of luck
Craig