CAPT: Shipmates, before we set sail once again for adventure and plunder on the high seas, let's all welcome our newest recruit, ensign Samuel Goldswab.
ALL PIRATES: Hoorah!
SAMUEL: [Full pirate drawl] Aaaaaaargh-ah-ah-ah!
CAPT: [Pause] Sorry, didn't catch that, Sam, could you just run it by us again?
SAMUEL: Aaaargh! Argh-hah-argh!
CAPT: One more time.
SAMUEL: [Uncertain] Erm...aaargh...?
CAPT: No, no idea. Anybody?
PIRATE 1: I don't think he's actually saying anything, captain, he's just sort of going "arg".
CAPT: Is this right, Goldswab?
SAMUEL: Argh! It be how we do talk, bain't it? Ha hargh!
CAPT: "It be how we do talk"? Where do you come from again?
SAMUEL: Truro, argh, right enough.
CAPT: And that's Truro is it? Well I never. Anyway, to business, shipmates.
PIRATE 2: No, hang on. I come from Truro, and I've never heard anyone talk like that.
SAMUEL: No, you misunderstand. It be not a Truro accent, it's a pirate...accent. Aargh. Everyone on my last ship spoke like this.
CAPT: Really? How odd. Who was your last captain?
SAMUEL: Bartholomew Bloodbeard.
PIRATE 1: Bloodbeard? The alcoholic who'd had a stroke?
SAMUEL: [Realising it sounds silly] Aaargh.
CAPT: Well, that explains that. Do cut it out, Goldswab, there's a good chap.
SAMUEL: Aagh, well, it b'ain't that simple, be it? I can't stop. It's become 'abitual, so to speak.
CAPT: Well, that's not-
SMAUEL: Aaaaaargh!!!
CAPT: Finished?
SAMUEL: Yargh, sorry.
CAPT: Well, it's not ideal, now, is it? I mean, we pirates, we're more than just passing larcenists, we're tantamount to a paramilitary force. I need discipline; I need my crew to run like a well-oiled machine, I can't wait for someone to stop every few syllables to drawl inanely, I have efficient pillaging to orchestrate. No, no, this sort of shilly-shallying will not pass naval muster.
SAMUEL: Aaargh, I think you be exaggerating, sir.
PIRATE 2: Oh really? Picture this: "Aargh, captain, look out there be aaaargh a rival brigand leader aaargh behind y- oh, wait, you're dead".
SAMUEL: Aaargh, in fairness that be exactly how my last captain died.
CAPT: So, you'll talk normally then?
SAMUEL: I'll do my very best sir.
CAPT: Capital, well played, Samuel, give it your best shot.
[PIRATES applaud]
CAPT: And if you can't manage it, ensign, I'll feed you to a cuttlefish, get it?
SAMUEL: [Trying top correct mid-vowel] AaaarghhhI do.
SQUAWKER: Aak! Pieces of 8! Pieces of 8! Aak! Wanna cracker! [Whistle] Wanna cracker! Aak!
CAPT: Excellent point, midshipman, I think it is time for lunch. Goldswab, this is my cousin, Charles.
SAMUEL: [Under breath] It be one rule for they and be one rule for us'n. Aaarrrrgghh....