Hey guys, new here!
I work in a job where I spend pretty much 8 hours a day by myself, so I've got plenty of time to think, so I thought about this the other day, thought I'd write it down and see how it goes, if it seems alright, I may add more and take it to a local club.
Anyway, thanks for having me!
"Hello, hello! I just want to start off by saying to all the women in the room, I love you. You're the devil's spawn, but you're lovely. One of Satan's finest flawless creations. Yep. Let me tell you why, ladies, and men, whatever you do, don't agree with me. It's for your own good. I'm taking one for the team.
The other day, I got in from work, went to the gym, came home, had dinner and the missus was watching TV in the living room. Wonderful, I thought, fantastic, if ever there is a time to go have a shower without you evil bastard women, running every f**king tap in the house, flushing every single God damned toilet, more than once! What are you even doing?! Did you go in for number one and then suddenly decide to number two?! Are you flushing small field mice away on a wild adventure?! Why are you doing this to me?!
Let me walk you through it right, I'm there. I'm naked. I'm making crazy mohawks and Santa beards, I'm nice and warm, I'm happy, alright? For once, in my miserable excuse for a human beings existence, I am besides myself with joy and child like wonder. Time to put the shampoo in! There we go, scrubbed in so hard it's like an army of fire ants eating your scalp. Magnificent. What's that? Where's the water gone? What? It was there! It was right f**king there! And suddenly your cold, and you're shivering, praying that whatever the f**k it is that you are washing up-- we have a dishwasher! Why are you washing your damn plates before you put them in the dishwasher?! Why did we-- Whatever. The point is, what are you doing that's taking more than 5 seconds?! The water comes back on, finally! You get underneath it, no! It's F**king gone again! But now the shampoo is a little bit wet! A little bit moist! It's running down your face and now it's in your eyes! Ahh f**k! I can't see! I'm blind! My shower has three phases right? Full strength, little bit under half strength, and an ant ejeculating. So we're at the ant stage right now, it switches up to just under half strength, and I sieze my moment to get this shampoo out of my face and hair and eyes. BOOM, back to full strength. I'm F**king clean now, but it's nice to know we're in sync! I wait a minute or two... Nothing. She must have gone back to the TV. Okay. On goes the face wash. Scrubbed in real nice. Got them tiny stone things in it to really rip away a few layers of skin and give you that elegant raddish effect. Spin round to wash it off, get the forehead in there and OH NO, HALF STRENGTH, now like the shampoo, it's starting running down me eyes! I've got them clamped shut like a nun at an orgy but it's still got through, so now my eyes are burning! It's F**king worse than chlamydia! I have tiny f**king grit stones on my actual eye ball! F**k it, I'll keep going, OH NO, ANT EJECULATION phase! My eyes are stinging, I can't see, I'm cold, I'm naked, I thrust my head forward because I've had enough, I'll wash this shit off with the ant ejeculation if it kills me, but now I've banged my head because the shower head is too close to the f**king wall! Now my head hurts, my eyes are stinging, I'm bone dry now, BOOM FULL POWER!! AND IT'S FUCKING MINUS 20 DEGREES. It takes me by surprise, I jump back, stub my toe, slip over, my head hurts, my eyes are stinging, I'm freezing f**king cold, my toe is throbbing, my ass is bruised, I'm a mess! You hear me? A mess! What has become of me?! What is life?! I just sit there, rocking backwards and forwards, sobbing out painful tears of grit and hopelessness, wondering when I became such a crumpled mass of shame and regret....
That, ladies, is why you are the devil's creation.
Now the in laws are here, so I might have to tone things down a bit, although I might not, maybe I'll say something that might make them die a bit quicker. Ohhhhh cmon! There's not a single person in this room that likes their in laws, and if there is, it's either because they're here with you or because they've died and you want to make your spouse feel better.
Haha... That should get me out of dinner for a few weeks... Tick! (hand motion on invisible notepad).
Now we're not actually married, me n my lady friend. We're just seeing each other at the moment, been seeing each other now for (blows cheeks out) 3 years now? I like to say we're seeing each other. Makes me feel like I'm actually still allowed to make decisions and that I, you know, still have man shit to do. In fact A lot of this gig will involve the ffffffff... Beautiful... Majestic doe that is my partner... Everyf**kingthing else does... Aha...
Now my missus has some very strange and demanding requests during sex. Let me share them with you. I'm sure she won't mind. Role playing. Before I met her, I'd never role played during the ceremonial act of love child creation, so I wasn't really sure how far to take it. Any guesses as to who I was to portray this particular evening? (crowd interaction). Anyway, this one time she says, "Matt, I reaaallly fancy a bit of stephen hawking tonight..."
Let that sink in for a moment. Here we are, about to get passionate, about to dirty up those crispy clean sheets that coat the bed, well, maybe they weren't THAT clean if they were... You know... Crispy... We're about to go at it like rabbits on heat, like king Kong and Princess peach, throwing each other around and donkey punching-- hahaaa Nah, but seriously, I'm about to play a wheelchair bound, can't move, brain the size of a super computer, guy in his 60's. What. The f**k. Is wrong with this picture? So the first time, I think "maybe she just wants the voice?" so I work it in. we're in cowgirl, I look lovingly into her eyes, the sweat is starting to drip down my nose, and she's looking at me expectantly... "oh. Yeah. Oh. Yeah. Baby. I. Appreciate. You. Do. It. With. More. Force." I tried to throw in some language I thought he might use. You know, authenticity wins the f**king scenario I'm in right now. So we're going at it, I'm building up, I'm building up and I can't contain myself for much longer, "I. Have. Arrived."
Hahaha... I'm not sure how many of you out here tonight have ever played stephen hawking during a role playing session, but do you know how hard it is to speak in that voice whilst you're trying to be all macho and sexy and thumping away furiously like Roger rabbit on speed? (thrusting motion whilst doing the voice). Let me give you some advice, for all you hawking lovers out there. Practice.
I'm not gonna lie, she seemed a bit disappointed. I'm not sure if that was my fault or what. So I thought I'd take it a little bit further."
All crit very much appreciated, who knows, might be the start of something new =]
