Professions- monologue/ stand up material

I've been thinking about professions recently. You see, I went to an accountants conference- all very dull as you can imagine. The chief accountant had wanted to get a personality for the big speech, but that was impossible- he's an accountant silly!

But not all jobs are as cerebral as accountancy. Take boxing for example- no brains involved. In fact, at the last bout I went to, everyone began cheering when a bloke managed to count all the way to ten without making any mistakes. Mind you, it was his third try.

Banking- now there's an industry no one likes unless they get offered a job in it. The problem isn't so much the huge wages, the corruption, the blatant greed and incompetence- no, it's the fact that its all their fault that we keep getting those idiotic PPI phone-calls.

And what about the regulators! they can't stop the banks, can't stop nuisance phone-calls, can't stop our gas bills rising as if the stuff can only be produced by feeding cattle a mix of cabbage and caviar. So who works for these most redundant of public bodies? People who were to stupid to work in PPI call centres, that's who. Except if it was, you'd think they'd at least take revenge.

The most popular profession apparently is public pollsters, who always come top of the polls, followed closely by whoever their paying clients want. Why you'd pay someone to do it though is beyond me. I mean, how hard is it to fix a poll?

'Er, hallo, we have randomly selected you out of all the prison population to ask if you think sentencing is too lenient.'
'Oh. Well I think it is actually.'
'Oh bother. Can we put you down as an 'undecided'?'

You see, things can be complicated however you go about things. That's why I feel we should invent new jobs. Like a footballer. This is someone whose job it is to find every single reference or mention of soccer, and correct it. Although this could ruin dramas:
'I tell yer Phil, I'm going to footballer one.'

More new industries ripe for creation include recycling- the art of re-enacting famous races; anti-matter, a new type of therapist that helps you to ambivalence; and someone who writes the truth in newspapers, for which I can't think of a name

Finally, I suggest there's room for the personalizer. This is someone who coaches people into actually being interesting. I know an accountant who'd hire him- as a tax write-off, of course.

Thank you!

(Just remember, comedy isn't a job, just an elaborate form of procrastination.)

So is this something you are yet to try? Just try it.

I am unlikely to actually try stand-up, but if I write enough material I suppose I may try a series of monologues etc.

Fair enough - In that case, it's defo got some funny bits in it, although some of the jokes have been done already e.g. accountants being boring and PPI.

And perhaps I have misunderstood the footballer job but doesn't job description already exist

Quote: Mikey88 @ 30th September 2014, 3:18 PM BST

And perhaps I have misunderstood the footballer job but doesn't job description already exist

View original

No, you're right. My original idea was to possibly suggest that the real definition of footballer isn't a 'real' job, and/or throw the audience of the scent as to what is coming. I was probably trying to hard though.

Just keep at it mate, and you don't have to go into standup - I tried it a couple of times and although got a few laughs, I decided it wasn't for me, I much prefer to write comedy than perform it.

OK, I thought I'd rewrite the first half - just for a laugh really - feel free to use any of it if you like it:

I've been thinking about professions recently, I'm still trying to decide whether or not to get one. Is it really worth it? Well, accountancy is out anyway, My friend took me to their annual conference last week. I couldn't even work out the entrance fee, let alone the percentage of tedium.

The big cheese guy was hoping for a real personality to do the main speech, but, hey, it's accountancy so he had to do it as he was.

There's other professions though. Like I went to see some boxing. It was a bit like accounting, they both keep score until the bitter end. Though the boxers seemed to have lower expectations about counting. They were all cheering when the bloke counted all the way up to ten without any mistakes. And it was his third try.

So, next I thought about banking. I mean why not? I do this all the time anyway, maybe this was the answer. I do love a good bank.

I know they're all greedy dirty scumbags but what really gets me is the intrusion into your personal life, all this data they have on you. Calling you about PPI five times a day. Well, I think that's my business not there's. I don't think they should be calling me about my Personal Pummelling Injury, thank you very much.

I think it's up to the individuals how they react to straight rewriting in critique, Mikey. For me unless they ask for it I think a bit of observation and deconstruction first before 'illustrating' your points with the rewrite would be a tad more polite and helpful. But all folk are different so what do I know? I am googling a good fish pie recipe so hopefully I will know that at least a bit later.

I liked elements of the OP by the way and as a routine I would look at linking it all smoother and if addressing things in a familiar way, ie accountants are boring, do it with some kind of twisty wink to acknowledge it and subvert it. A little tweak would probably do it here.

I think I am going to leave out the prawns.

Thanks everyone for the feedback, and I'm personally fine with rewriting as a critique. Am I right in saying that in standup people are looking to laugh,and trigger each others laughs while in a recorded monologue you have to be that much better to get the laughs (although not necessarily the appreciation?)

Glad you're OK with me playing around with it Ahem, Marc is correct though, I probably shouldn't just bowl in doing rewrites willy nilly - it is meant as a compliment though.

And how do you mean exactly?

Quote: Ahem @ 1st October 2014, 10:50 AM BST

Am I right in saying that in standup people are looking to laugh,and trigger each others laughs while in a recorded monologue you have to be that much better to get the laughs?

View original

In stand-up, the same performance can get big laughs from one audience yet be met with stony silence from another audience. It all depends on an audience's mood, sobriety, intelligence, politics, etc. The perceived funniness of live comedy is hugely subjective and, as you say, people are influenced by the reactions of those around them.

On the other hand, if a radio or TV station broadcasts a recorded comedy monologue, that monologue is almost 'objectively' funny because it's been deemed fit for purpose by professionals who should (and usually do) know what will appeal to their audience and what won't.

Monologues don't have to make you laugh out loud per se... think of Taking Heads by Alan B, but a sketch show monologue maybe aspires to that. Never has worked for me in that way though. Rowan Atkinson's teacher did mind.* Laugh out loud laughter is a visceral response.

* I think she taught chemistry.