Failed Newsjack oneliners

Got nothing on it this week.

Here are my attempts at oneliners and TV listings for this weeks show:

ONELINERS
BREAKING NEWS:
1. Judge gives Kevin Spaceys stalker four years but if she continues to stalk after that she could be looking at possible jail time.

2. Abuse aimed at Andy Murray considered 'sickening' but decided to call him 'vile' instead.

3. Local man being held under section seven of the anti-terrorism act after he photobombed on a plane.

4. Many Scots view maps to see how close the result is but they then decided to count the votes which gave a much more accurate indication.

5. A robot has been developed that can load up a dishwasher but it really hopes someone else will do it instead.

6. Alex Salmond reiterates for the umpteenth time that he does not have cousins called Jim Kipperd and Peter Dolphind.

TV/RADIO LISTINGS:
1. Shark week continues tonight on Discovery. Thousands of the blighters; one tiny island; their luggage is lost and the sunburn is starting to set in.

2. Next week on Downton Abbey: Tragedy strikes the house once more as Lord Grantham's beloved dog Isis chokes on a squirrel.

3. Today Sky Sports launches its latest channel. Sky Sports minus 24 will allow viewers to watch all the top premiership matches a full day before they actually happen.

Tough gig as always...

ONELINERS
BREAKING NEWS:

In science news, a video depicting sexual intercourse as seen with an MRI scanner has been described as mindblowing, though the couple involved insist it was "just okay".

A Devon grandmother caught with a 5ft marijuana plant maintains it grew entirely by accident, as she prefers to get high on crack cocaine.

Stephen Fry's new autobiography is out, in which he describes his experiences writing all his previous autobiographies.

Chimpanzees proved to be natural murderers, but do they make good detectives?

Author writes story after imagining it in her head first.

In quantum physics research, there's been a paradigm-shifting new discovery, and there hasn't been a paradigm-shifting new discovery.

TV/RADIO LISTINGS:

Coming soon to a revamped Radio 4, Desert Island Audio Downloads, where celebrities pick the songs they would download if they were stuck on an island with 4G cellular service, and their data limit was nearing it's monthly maximum.

Tonight at 11 it's "Secrets of War", the show full of handy tips and tricks to help you prosecute war.

If you like Cat Wars then don't miss the gripping new series, Grumpy Cat Wars. It has all the entertainment value of Cat Wars and then some, because all the cats are really ticked off.

Really liked the chimpanzee and Stephen Fry ones.

I think mine are a bit too long structurally? Is there any rule of thumb? Anywho, here they are

BREAKING NEWS:

1.Edward Snowden may be granted asylum in Switzerland

But he's prepared to give himself up if he ends up being neighbours with Phil Collins

2.David Cameron has said that Russians wanting to buy weapons off Britain can bog off!

Buy One Get One Free that is

3.Euro 2020 will host the final in Wembley Stadium

At least this time when you go to Wembley, you won't have to see England playing

4.The latest U2 album was given for free to all i-Tunes customers

I still haven't found what I'm looking for, the delete button. There it is!

5.Kim Jong Un is ill due to eating too much cheese

It would be cheesy to make a pun here, and I camenbert cheese puns

6.An extremist group is targeting young children

The Daily Mail are giving away free lego

TV/RADIO LISTINGS:
1. Nick Hewer makes risque knob jobs to an audience full of pensioners, it's Countdown does 8 Out of 10 Cats

BREAKING NEWS:
1. Despite saying that Tory's would have to be 'utterly nuts to join Ukip', Boris Johnson has denied he is planning to do so.
2. A UKIP policy announcement has lasted 24 hours. The policy which -oh,hang on, they've just cancelled it.
3. In golf, something interesting happens
4. Mark Reckless has been accused of being reckless, which he both accepts and denies.
5. As it is announced that Germany has 1,200 different types of sausage, we ask 'which one is the wurst?'
6. With CERN celebrating 60 years, scientists announce that they've been having a smashing time.

TV/RADIO LISTINGS:
1. Great Expectations - But sadly, in the end there's nothing decent to watch (on the telly)
2. Flog it! - Ukip outline their crime policy, and the Conservatives talk privatisation.
3. The invisible man- A man discovers he has the power to go totally unnoticed. Stars Ed Milliband

Boo Hoo.

Roof top solar panels are now supplying Australian cities with their energy needs. Similarly in the UK electricity costs are going through the roof.

A pet owner called emergency services after their cat went berserk and held them hostage in their own home. An early report says the feline flew into a jealous rage after catching her owner looking at other cat videos on the internet.

Robin Thicke has lost some fans this year. Industry reports are blaming the NEW 'PC' CULTURE, with so many people having access to a PC they can now hear the quality of the music before they buy it.

It's been discovered that the iPhone 6 can be bent. Strangely Apple aren't as flexible with their refund policy.

That wa the one I had hope for but oh well.

Quote: Ahem @ 3rd October 2014, 12:10 PM BST

BREAKING NEWS:
6. With CERN celebrating 60 years, scientists announce that they've been having a smashing time.

View original

always like a good physics joke

Mine for the week...

BREAKING NEWS:

1. Ed Miliband's wife has announced she is ready to hit back at his critics - so be prepared to get hit, everybody.

2. After a successful first mission, India is hopeful it will land many more rockets on Mars, or, failing that, Pakistan.

3. Richard Branson has announced that his employees can now take unlimited vacation without the need to ask permission. Unfortunately no-one at Virgin Group could be reached for comment.

4. Pound gains strength in early trading. Credits new workout regime and daily vitamins.

5. A poll has found that Nigel Farage is considered weirder than Ed Miliband. The same poll also revealed that watching paint dry is considered more boring than watching grass grow.

6. Russia's first female cosmonaut in 17 years has asked the press to stop mentioning her hair and family in their reporting. To recap - the Russians are sending some blokes into space again.

TV/RADIO LISTINGS:

1. Follow a crack special forces team as they perform important, but not very dangerous, work in "Light Grey OPs". Tonight's episode - taking inventory.

2. Coming to BBC Three in 2022, drunken English fans get treated for their asinine injuries in "Bizarre Qatar ER".

3. Don't miss TV's funniest half-hour of unsuspecting members of the public being inducted into the clergy on "You've been ordained".

Quote: Otterfox @ 25th September 2014, 11:53 PM BST

3. Today Sky Sports launches its latest channel. Sky Sports minus 24 will allow viewers to watch all the top premiership matches a full day before they actually happen.

View original

Only just looked at this thread and now glad I didn't write up the idea for a News-1 channel I'd considered this week.

Here are mine from week 1:
BREAKING NEWS:

1. Gimp Man of Essex revealed to be kinky ninja.

2. Research linking facial features to voting patterns claims in Scotland you could know the 'NO's by their nose.

3. A report on last weeks big vote shows most Scots thought 'YES' would win as there's no real reason not to allow independent women golfers.

4. Iranian youths punished for dancing refuse to comment until Pharrell Williams releases a song called "Sore and Angry".

5. A London man who lost his home and wife to a confectioner, has accused the chocolatier of stealing his estate.

6. Leaders gather to remember the centenary of things that happened 100 years ago.

LISTINGS:

1. On Channel 4 a team of Tesco executives face some tough questions in "The Quarter of a Million Pound Drop".
(Yes I realised after I sent it that somewhere along the line I mixed up 250k and 250m - which may be what happened to the Execs in the 1st place)

2. On ITV the public vote to say if Prince Charles should be King in "The Rex Factor", where it's Queen week... as it has been for the past 62 years.

3. This weekend the aristocratic Crawley family adopt a pro-European stance in the return of renamed period drama "Down-907-kilo Abbey".

And week 2:

BREAKING NEWS:

1. New powers to ban extremist groups to be rushed in before next years general election. In other news UKIP declared an extremist group.

2. Donald Trump may sue a twitter user for making him look stupid. Lawyers already consulted by nervous wig makers.

3. Lloyds bank sacks 8 over Lie-bore scandal, leading to fears from co-workers who aren't always 100% truthful and interesting.

4. Fred West may posthumously sue twitter user for defamation after he's linked with Donald Trump.

5. Cameron describes latest Tory MPs defection to UKIP as 'a Reckless move'.

6. Reports that violent videos discourage people from joining IS based on evidence that George Romero films stop people wanting to be zombies.

LISTINGS:

1. Due to industrial action, tonights edition of 'Call the Midwife' has been replaced by 'Miranda'.

2. Reynholm Industries is bombed by RAF planes in this weeks 'The IS Crowd'.

3. Follow Dennis Hopper on his motorbike as he journeys to golfing defeat in our late film 'Easy Ryder Cup'.

Here are my failed jokes from this weeks newsjack again.

Nigel Farage, who wants to ban HIV positive immigrants coming to Britain, had a scare today when MP Douglas Carswell said he was coming to lunch and bringing along some of his aides.

First person to discover milk was pervert says logic.

A Lancashire burglar was identified and arrested after officers discovered that during the crime he had sex with a teddy leaving his semen inside it, well anyway, that's the bear bones of the story.

Capsules of frozen poo can help people recover from certain gut infections say scientists. World asks how the hell did you find that out?

The cartoon Archer has ditched merchandise depicting the logo of the fictional spy agency ISIS after recent acts of terror by their namesake. A similar thing happened to a mate of mine, poor Alan Qaeda.

After Naomi Campbell's autocorrected tweet congratulating Malaria Yousafzai on winning the nobel peace prize, the model then went on to tweet about Barack Ebola, Salmonella Fitzgerald and expressed dismay at the outcome of the Osteoperosis murder trial.

TV/RADIO LISTINGS:

On Cbeebies at three it's animated classic The Hungry Hungry Caterpillar, a tale which teaches children if you consume so much you become a morbidly obese shut in trapped in a cocoon of your own filth, don't worry... just eat yourself sexy.

At seven its Disney's Beauty and the Beast; a woman gets nasty with a bear while the wardrobe and candelabra watch.

At nine another Disney classic; Fantasia, Mickey Mouse drops acid and loses his shit in a broom cupboard.

BREAKING NEWS:

Fisherman catches Ebola, then throws it back again.

Dame Judy Dench says losing her sight has helped her performances as she doesn't see the audience. Meanwhile, audiences report losing their hearing helps Robin Thicke's performances immensely.

Martin McGuiness says he likes the Queen now even though he didn't care for her in his youth, which is also how he feels about broccoli.

Martin Amis claims Hitler had sex with Eva Braun without touching her, which begs the question: Does Martin Amis know what sex is?

Referendum to abolish income tax for apathetic voters fails to pass.

In environmental news people were told to look around.

TV/RADIO LISTINGS:

Tonight at 9 the health-conscious zombies are back in "The Speedwalking Dead".

Coming soon to ITV - "Taggarty", a new drama about a Scottish detective who's not Taggart, but there are some vague similarities.

Next on Film Four, "And the Miliband Played On", chronicling the dogged survival of a Labour Party Leader despite having contracted a potentially fatal unpopularity.

Here are mine for this week.

1.
Princess Leia convinced me to go to AA says Graham Norton after he tried to get off with C3PO and his continuous attempts to flip Yoda from a red chair.

2.
Lewis Hamilton takes pole in Russia - forced by Russian government to cement it back into place.

3.
Embarrassed moon turns red after it mistakenly comes out during the daytime.

4.
After a confrontation with Roy Keane in front of the players and staff his beard storms off his face and out of the Irish camp.

5.
Kim Jong-un convinces North Koreans that everyone has disappeared except for him.

6.
Animal rights group attempts to have a chimp recognised as a human. Last year the same group endeavoured to have a dog recognised as an owl and to have a wren viewed as a policeman.

TV/RADIO LISTINGS:

1.
A first for the Racing Channel: The Grand Rational. A group of philosophers run the famous Aintree course whilst debating their decision to do so.

2.
Next up, Celebrity Antiques Road Trip. Today's celebrity antiques are Cliff Richard and Bill Oddie. When Bill finds and old silver coin down his pants the pair set off on an adventure to the nearest pharmacy to obtain medication befitting men of their age.

3.
Tonight's movie is Cast Away. Peter Cast and Gerry Away find themselves washed up on a deserted island. In a bid to stave off insanity Peter begins referring to Gerry as 'Wilson' and starts using him as a volley ball.

@ Eoin, really liked your Hitler sex one and the Taggerty TV listing. Lovely stuff.

Really liked the Milk Pervert, Speedwalking Dead and Grand Rational (though it probably would have stood more chance at the end of the Spring series).

My Week 3 foetal jollies to be aborted by Auntie were:

BREAKING NEWS:

1. New powers to ban extremist groups to be rushed in before next years general election. In other news UKIP declared an extremist group.

2. Donald Trump may sue a twitter user for making him look stupid. Lawyers already consulted by nervous wig makers.

3. Lloyds bank sacks 8 over Lie-bore scandal, leading to fears from co-workers who aren't always 100% truthful and interesting.

4. Fred West may posthumously sue twitter user for defamation after he's linked with Donald Trump.

5. Cameron describes latest Tory MPs defection to UKIP as 'a Reckless move'.

6. Reports that violent videos discourage people from joining IS based on evidence that George Romero films stop people wanting to be zombies.

LISTINGS:

1. Due to industrial action, tonights edition of 'Call the Midwife' has been replaced by 'Miranda'.

2. Reynholm Industries is bombed by RAF planes in this weeks 'The IS Crowd'.

3. Follow Dennis Hopper on his motorbike as he journeys to golfing defeat in our late film 'Easy Ryder Cup'.

And in week 4 I was left soggy by these attempts at pissing into the comedy wind:

BREAKING NEWS:

1. Police describe attempted theft of Eric Morecambe statue as "not Wise".

2. Europol say the number of brains behind cybercrime may be as low as only 100 - or just 4 in binary.

3. Royal Mail rejects criticism only maths geniuses can work out new parcel costs saying "Anyone can do it with a working knowledge of simultaneous differential equations."

4. Judy Finnegan apologises for 'non-violent and drunk' comments, saying getting drunk's the only way she can face being on Loose Women.

5. Robot snakes that learnt to climb hills say "Next stop: buying plane tickets".

6. Anti-ISIS protests that closed the M4 have been declared a great success as Wales continues to not be an Islamic State.

LISTINGS:

1. Quiz lovers don't miss the new series of Fifteen to One, now at the new time of 12:45.

2. Classic drama returns to BBC2 as a quirky FBI agent and a backwards speaking dwarf become London crimelords in "Twin Peaky Blinders".

3. On Channel 5 the Joker plans to steal a shipment of pig meat in "Got Ham".

My judgement is obviously way off target this series but on the plus side I'm inventing lots of new inventive swears.

Got something recorded but cut this week so if you recognize anything from Wednesday would like to hear about it. Cheers, Eoin

BREAKING NEWS:

U2 frontman Bono reveals he wears sunglasses indoors because of an eye condition. And you thought he was a narcissist.

BA has apologized for showing a photo of Leeds Castle in Kent in advertisements for flights to the northern city. Unfortunately for passengers, the pilots knew exactly where they should be going.

Man locked in Waterstones claims his requests for help were shelved.

A personal ad referencing the Ebola apocalypse has appeared - responders must like walks in the park, cuddling, and bleach.

Concerned parents have forced Sugar Puffs to be renamed Honey Monster Puffs. In a similar vein, boxing legend Sugar Ray Leonard will now be known as "black man who could beat the living crap out of you".

Yahoo responds to Facebook and Apple's program to freeze women's eggs with their own offer to provide female executives with multiple cats.

TV/RADIO LISTINGS:

Channel 4 up the kinky yet again in their new spinoff, "5 in a bed".

In tonight's retro mashup, Dixon of Dock Green travels to wartime France in 'ello 'ello 'ello, 'Allo 'Allo.

Next up, John Thaw stars as an unwell barrister in "Queasy Kavanagh QC".