A Punishment Fit for Hitler

This is a black comedy-drama in the guise of a sci-fi satire.

It would run around 50 minutes to an hour, maybe as a mid-budget TV drama, and indeed

could possibly be fleshed out into a feature film.

To write all this out in proper script format would therefore take at least 50 A4 pages, and nobody is really going to expect casual readers to read all that dialogue, so understandably, I've set it out here in abbreviated form, like a short story, which should be accessible enough to put over the idea [I am capable of putting dialogue together and will only do so if there is any good response]:

The Year: 2051. The location: the top-secret, high-gloss VORTEX INDUSTRIES

We see a group of young committed scientists, led by central figure Theo Saulberg, obsessed with his ambitious experiments: in a vast hard-tech complex, they anticipate a major new development, any second now.

A dimensional vortex opens up, and a soldier-like figure materializes out of nowhere, intact and beaming with glee. The elated scientists rush to greet him, checking he is fine, then asking him for 'proof'.

Proof comes in the form of a 1912 newspaper handed over by the soldier: on inspection, the paper reveals details of the Titanic Disaster, and crucially, the paper is bright white and non-yellow, as if fresh off the presses that same day: the Worlds' first Time Travel Experiment is a resounding success.

Fired with enthusiasm, the leading scientist, the 30-something Theo Saulberg, proceeds with his lifes' mission, outlining his motives to an attractive young female colleague. Saulberg is obsessed with avenging the deaths of his Jewish Ancestors, most of who were wiped out in the WW2 Holocaust. He keeps a private gallery of personal photos of his murdered relatives, along with a blow-up of a facial close-up of a scowling Adolf Hitler, which he has kept to inspire his acts of justice: Saulberg is Hell-bent in personally punishing Hitler for his crimes, which is hopefully about to become a reality.

Preparations are swiftly set in place in the time-travel complex, and a crack team of three SAS-like specialists are primed and ready [with small but powerful futuristic weapons] for a time-leap to Berlin 1945, in the ruins of Hitlers' Bunker, in April of that year: the time-placement co-ordinates are set to ensure that the three time-jumpers will appear 12 feet away from the Fuhrers' actual 1945 location.

The time-transmission goes ahead successfully, in an arc of searing light.

BERLIN 1945:

Hitler is seen in a vast granite-lined lavatory, despondent, and seated on the bowl. Russian Shellfire is heard in the distance. The futuristic Vortex from 2051 opens up yards away from him, and the Nazi leader is astonished at the sight of the three soldier-like figures appearing out of thin air.......nevertheless, he is sussed enough to draw his luger and advance, but unfortunately his britches are still wrapped around his ankles, and sadly for him he loses balance, and falls to the hard floor. The time travelers take advantage of his bad fortune, and grab him back into the time-vortex, which disappears with all four people,included the captured Adolf-------just before an SS bodyguard squad batter down the reinforced lavatory door.

Back in 2015, the time-vortex re-materializes, and a round of applause is greeted when the dumbfounded Hitler is successfully supplanted into this distant future, in a state of capture.

Hitlers' underwear is still wrapped around his ankles, resulting in the young female scientist quipping:

'Oh, look! He's circumcized!'

Saulberg is beside himself with joy as his lifetimes' ambition has finally come to fruition: Hitler is finally within his grasp, a few feet away from him. After his initial joy subsides, his mood changes and he lunges forwards as if to strike the Fuhrer: he is held back from doing so by his colleauges.

Hitler is swiftly clapped in futuristic Irons.

Shortly, an impassioned, impromptu meeting is assembled, as the scientist debate the fate of the captive Hitler. The top-secret nature of their work ensures the rest of the World know nothing of this alarming event, and opinions vary from putting Hitler on show-trial on World Wide TV , to concocting some agonizing, prolonged form of torture to punish him for his past acts.

Saulberg favours keeping him incarcerated until a fitting punishment for him is agreed upon.

Suddenly, another scientist rushes into the meeting, proclaiming:

'Somethings' gone wrong with Hitler!'

TO BE CONTINUED

Inside a specialized cell brimming with hi-tech medical equipment, we see Hitler strapped onto an upright leather chair, bound by shackles and chains: he is clearly in a state of agonizing distress.

As the scientists rush into this customized cell, they are confounded at the sight of the tormented Hitler contorting into spasms, so extreme that his head, body and limbs start mutating, swelling and expanding in an alarming state, almost like a grotesque cartoon.

Attempts to stop this state of affairs are fruitless, however one scientist remains level-headed enough to observe:

'The un-natural state of transplanting him from another time is wreaking havoc with his chromosomes, which are mutating wildly.... quite simply, our year of 2051 is rejecting this un-natural foreign body from 1945.'

Indeed, his condition is worsening, to the point where 'CRITICAL/DANGER' signs are flashing up on the medical computer screens wired up to Hitler.

One final spasm of grotesque proportions [the fuhrer swells up like a bloated Zeppelin] is enough to see the panicking scientists flee for cover, outside the cell.

Hitler explodes in a crescendo of scattered entrails and far-strewn shredded matter.

The scientists observe the morass of scattered flesh and debris that is all that remains of the fuhrer: Saulberg in particular is deeply disappointed in this unforseen state of affairs.

Hitlers' detached left ear is seen slithering down the glossy cell wall.

Saulberg retires to the sanctuary of of a clinical darkened room, where he opens a bottle of vintage 2025 Whiskey in attempt to drown his sorrows...his dreams of punishing Hitler for his evil acts are, at this specific time, in a state of futile pointlessness, and further time-leaps are postponed until the faults just experienced are sorted out.

In front of Saulberg, the newspaper of 1912 [with the Titanic headline] bursts into flame spontaneously, reducing to burnt-out ashes, outling the fact that something is clearly flawed with anything/anyone being 'snatched' from another time-zone.

TO BE CONTINUED

This is very hard to read.
It lies uncomfortably between a synopsis and an outline and full-blown screenplay.
Your opening paragraph gets things off to a bad start...

Quote: Rico El Vista @ 25th September 2014, 9:09 AM BST

We see a group of young committed scientists, led by central figure Theo Saulberg, obsessed with his ambitious experiments: in a vast hard-tech complex, they anticipate a major new development, any second now.

View original

You're describing a shot - so I go into 'screenplay' mode.
But then you hit me with a load of 'unfilmables'.
How do I know he's obsessed - who knows that the experiment is ambitious - how can you shoot the 'anticipation' of a major development?
The rest of the thing (as far as I've got) does the same - veers from the specific to the general.

If you want this read, first you need a log-line - 15 -35 words that sums up the story - like a TV listing.
Next level - a brief synopsis - the kind of thing you'd read on the back of the DVD box.
Next - an outline - describe what happens, keep plot points etc. etc.
None of these needs to describe shots or include dialogue.

Only then- as you rightly suggest - do you invite people to read the screenplay itself.

This isn't really selling it.

Nothing happens. If you were writing this for Doctor Who you would have to convey all that in a single sentence. My advice is write the screenplay- the characters, the dialogue, the tangents is where the humour will be.

This is how I would boil it down:

Int. Secret Facility, Day

High-tech machines surround a laboratory, scientists and an SAS like response team prepare for an imminent event, everyone focuses on a man size capsule.

A date can be read on a dial: 1939.

A pub dartboard on a wall looks completely out of place next to this equipment. It has Hitler's face on it spiked with darts, next to another dartboard where there is a face of a baby with a Hitler moustache.

(the decision to go back and kill Hitler as a baby or when he has committed a crime is finally answered)

The capsule opens.

SCIENTIST
"You weren't supposed to bring him back!!!"

Thanks for at least reading a few lines of my stuff, guys.

Muchos appreciated.

Lazzard; any scientist who has graduated to the point where he is conducting a mysterious experiment using advanced hardware is clearly obsessed, whatever their motives: such a person is not likely to be content working as a cleaner in the same place, for example. This sort of character should be easily identifiable by their attitudes.

People who sweep streets are not obsessed doing so [unless they are mentally ill]: any scientist breaking new ground, be it a matter transmitter or a time-machine, MUST be obsessed by definition---it's not the sort of thing you go into half-heartedly.

Surely any experiment that involves fantasy-styled advanced-looking sci-fi paraphanalia must be ambitious by nature, unlike, say, someone stacking shelves in the local co-op, which is clearly mundane and non-ambitious.

I'm not quite sure exactly why you are bothering to labour such a puzzling point, but clearly you felt justified in doing so.

some yoke------thanks for your input, to be honest I haven't really got the time to write out 50 pages plus of 'proper' dialogue, but perhaps I can use this idea in my pro cartoon strips [or something]

I won't bother finishing the story here, it doesn't seem to be the right place for it.

I have loads of other ideas including short items but to be honest, cold water has been poured on my enthusiasm here at this point, maybe my stuff will go down better elsewhere.

I'm submitting more stuff, but not on this site.

It's easy to just cut-and-paste it and resubmit [it's also easy to edit it ] elsewhere.

But thanks again, guys.

Good-byeeeee------forever!!!

Rico sometimes a skit comes through that is both odd and poor it seems like it maybe a windup.
I hope this isn't.
Your directions are too long and far to hard to follow.
The skit isn't really funny, it's possibly an aside from a time travel comedy [but Hitler is a cliche]
It's really not funny at all.
I'd check out some of the other formats in critique [not mine their not very well formatted]

Thanks Sooty, there's not much point in me bothering to put it into a 'proper' script format, then....luckily I've only spent a few minutes writing this story, and not hours or even days or weeks like some folks do , but I do appreciate that you at least appear to have read it. [or at least some of it]

Yes, Hitler is a cliche, but sadly, if I change him for someone unknown, there's not quite the same potential for drama in there.

Not what I am looking for, at least.

I'll finish the story sometime, maybe the second half will be funnier---I dunno, I haven't written it yet!

But fear not, I will inflict it elsewhere.

Hope you guys find stuff more suitable to your senses of humour.

[I really AM offski this time!!!!]

Rico

Sorry.
I was going to let it go.
But I can't.

You may or may not have a good idea.
My point was it's impossible to tell from the way you present it.
If you have any sort of belief in this, or any other project, you should endeavour to present them in the most accessible way possible.
I have outlined one method of doing just that..
No charge. You're welcome.
However, if anyone with the power to promote or advance your idea so much as caught sight of your post, you would be consigned to the bin forever.
I was attempting to help you avoid such a scenario.

For what it' s worth, I think there might be a half-decent idea in there, and you show the sort of imagination that could possibly be capable of producing others.

Your attitude, however, makes success highly unlikely.

It's OK, Laz, thanks very much for your genuinely welcome observation that I do indeed possess imagination: I'm actually a pro cartoonist, which might explain this.---and I think up silly ideas every day of my life, whether I get paid or not.

This Hitler idea is but one of many I have------if this idea simply doesn't work, I just move onto another one.

I've only invested about 40 minutes in this story [maybe a waste of 40 minutes to some folk]

Regarding 'success', here's how I make my living [[stay put, I'm off to add an image here soon].....even if I never become a drama writer, I've sold lots of comic strips including scripts already.

Sorry, I'm unable to add my cartoons on here, readers

You'e not listening are you?

Oh yes I am!

Just put 'image' in the square brackets rather than 'IMG'.

Why are you so arsey? And why post something in critique if you don't want anyones thoughts on it?

I would love to see a sitcom about supermarket shelf stackers. I can relate to that. Rubber gloves for the frozen foods. Sitting in the freezer munching on a surreptitious log. I think people should write what they know about and what other people would enjoy seeing. I did do a cartoon once but it wasn't very good.