Am writin a Diree Page 2

Quote: Mikey88 @ 23rd September 2014, 9:29 PM BST

I hope you don't mind Inky but I thought it would be fun to translate it - for some of the more ... older people on this forum.

I am writing a diary for myself. It is about making money and my new inventions. I find bits and bobs and more importantly, inspiration in my back garden. Hoo hoo, I have quite the collection there now. It's stacked high.

I'm not an important person; I'm just a person who likes writing. It's fun for me.

My first invention was about seagulls in a bag. It's called the 'Seaguls in a bag invention'.

I got the bags from the Pound Shop. They cost one pound.

I stayed up all night watching the seagulls. At the beach it was. I had my elastic bands ready but they were the wrong size. Even the disabled seagull, with one leg, got away.

I've been staying with my sister. She's a good woman; she cooks a lot, she looks after the plants in the basement. They're my nephews. He's away right now. My sister said he's visiting the Queen of England and he'll be back soon.

I better stop now, but if you would like to help me with my diary, please let me know.

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Ver-shon!

(But I preferred the dub plate)

Quote: beaky @ 24th September 2014, 7:09 PM BST

You is on Planet Normal, Chappers. We am on de Planet Groovy Baby, wid dem psychydellic rings.

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I must say. I am pretty stoned.

Quote: A Horseradish @ 24th September 2014, 9:56 PM BST

Ver-shon!

(But I preferred the dub plate)

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I don't understand what you are talking about. It either doesn't make sense or it's all the weed I've been smoking.

Quote: Mikey88 @ 24th September 2014, 10:49 PM BST

I must say. I am pretty stoned.

I don't understand what you are talking about. It either doesn't make sense or it's all the weed I've been smoking.

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Oh well. It wasn't important.

I understand most of your posts.

hahha I enjoy you Horseradish

Quote: Mikey88 @ 24th September 2014, 11:51 PM BST

hahha I enjoy you Horseradish

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He has got some sauce.

So; anyway, Inky, are you going to post anything else? Would love a sequel.

It has the mark of a writer I know, so expect he might not add more but appear in another disguise later on.

ooh, bit of mystery! I feel delightfully anticipant.

Quote: Chappers @ 24th September 2014, 11:34 AM BST

I must be on a different planet.

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Dear Diree,
Friday 26 Sept.
About de dis-abled seagul wit de one leg, he jus normal realy. He don do de rappin to de waves to much like de big seaguls wit de two legs but a liked him a lot. A watched all night he jus hop over dem small waves like dis hop hop hop til his leg got stuck in de sand an e tipped over.
Ma new inven-shon will be a walkin stick inven-shon for dis-abled seaguls. A bin tinkin, is an operat-shon suitibal for de seaguls? A could make a foot wit maches from de kichen.
Note to ma self * Find leg for de seagul an write to dragons den show wit de inven-shon. Eric de seagul. Mmm mmmm hoppin on waves an flyin aroun, an all for less than jus one poun.
Np wait!Eric de seagul has de X fac-tor - Yes!
*Note to ma-self Apply to de X fac-tor wit de rappin song inven-shon caled Seaguls in a bag by de rappin seagul band.A just have to catch them first an train
them.
4.00 o'clock
A took de one poun bags back to de poun shop an a axed for the poun back.
Wit de poun a boought stuff to feed de plants in de basement for Clara,she lef de lights on again. A been down twice now but dy don't seem to like bread crumbs.
*Note ask Clara if it was alright to turn de lights off an let some air in.
The End

It's still funny and full of character.

If you can write 365 of those pieces, you might well get them published by an enterprising publisher.

You could do it with fewer pieces actually, and it might be funny to explain the gaps whenever you write a new (post gap) piece in the diary.

Even better, an enterprising TV or radio producer might take a punt on them if they're long enough and funny enough.

You wouldn't have to perform them yourself. I'm sure there'd be suitable actors queuing around the block to do it.

One thing's for certain: there are (and always have been) a great many LESS-funny things on TV, on radio and in print.

Keep at it.

First one killed me

Hello,
Thank you all for being so kind with other pieces.The encouragement set me off doing a bit of writing. I don't know whether this is too much or too little but hope it makes
someone smile. I have another few pages after this and will post in a day or so unless you boo me off : )

Desmond is in his man shed, it's filled with all the things for making
inven-shons. Outside is a mini reclamation yard, old cars, helicopter
seats, fairground horses,the place we find things we didn't know we needed.
In a very large cage is a seagul with one leg. It's happy enough.

Desmond locks up, gets in to his open top van and drives in to town.
He is leaving the poun shop when he bumps in to Gabrial

Gabrial Des-mon is that you?!

Des Gabrial Fishburn is dat you?! How long it been?

Gabe Not since dat Mrs Pintner died in de road.

Des Ah, yeh I remember, shame, she was a nice lady. (Thinks)
Was she de one wat married de short fella? A sometimes wonder what
happnin to him.

Gabe He married now, we both go to de drama group together.

Des No?! Really? You's in a drama group? Wow! (Thinks)
What day do in a drama group?

Gabe We do dramarin.

Des A never thought you to be no dramarin man. Wat day do,dis dramarin?

Gabe Book readin, dancin - look
Gabe starts Moon walking backwards along the pavement.

Des Man! dat great man! We gotta get to gether an I'll show you ma inven
shons it be jus like de ol days!

Gabe Man I too ol for de ol days, we need new days. Dat Win-ston still in
visitin de Queen of Englan?

Des Man, I thought he had a big house on dat darts moor palce, a never knew
you know...

Gabe Why don't you come dramarin? A don't talk wit rainbows commin out me,
like dat shakespeer fella y'understandin me? It jus fun.
Come on we're audish-nin on Friday night for dat big
Charity panto 'Anything Go's'
It be fun man - come on ?

Des Naah,it not me Gabby am noooo dram-arin man, not me.

Des goes to his van takes out pen gives phone number to Gabe.

Gabe It bin great seein you man.

Des You too Gabe (hug)

Des See ya!

Gabe Make it soon!

END

Friday Afternoon
Dear Diree,
The house phone rings

Des Dat you Gabe? What? No way man. No!... No!... No! Man a

don't care if all de bones in yor body's broke am not goin to no

audish-on an dat's ma final words!

Phone rings Des picks up the phone

Des No! put s the phone down

(jumps backwards on to couch picks up hand set click,
Des rubbish (click)

Des More rubbish (click)

Des More adverts! (click)

Des Man ders more adverts than programms! (click)

Des Man! What?!(click)
Gogglebox.

Old couple Man to wife
Man ' look at that! Have you ever seen anything like it?

Wife I think they're quite good looking

Man What? grown men prncin around? I could do that!

Wife Gon on then!

Desmond clicks again

P&O Advert Are you havin any fun? (diddle diddle diddle dum)

Whatcha getting outa...... livin?

Who cares for what you got

if you not havin fun!

Repeat

Hand set still in hand Desmond gets up and hums the tune as he walks to the kitchen. He takes the broom handle and starts sweeping the floor. Advert ended he clicks and the ad is on the next channel ....

Are you havin any fun?
Wacha gettin outa....livin?

Who cares for what you got

if you not havin fun!

Repeat

Like Fred Astair he takes the broom and dances singing the jingle lifts broom in the air ..... Are you having any fun?......Wach you gettin outa livin? Who cares for what you got if your not havin fun!

At the end he puts the broom down - rests against the sink thinking.
Walks to the phone...dials

Des Gab? I'll do it! Just this once. The dramarin! I'll do it

Man! What?! You gotta be crazy! Am not dressin in no caterpillar

outfit!

END

(Hope this works as a thread :/

I like this very much and I can imagine it being a cult show on TV.

No, I don't mean people will watch it, scratch their heads and ask 'What cult wrote that????'.

I mean it could become a hit TV show with a relatively small audience that loves it to pieces.

If others say it's a load of bollards, they won't be short of people to agree with them but we must remember that no TV show has ever been broadcast that appealed to more viewers than it DIDN'T.

Looking back through the mists of time, I see Spike Milligan.

Looking back not nearly so far, I see Reeves and Mortimer.

Looking at Inky, I see a similarly strange and compelling writing-voice that might very well catch on.

Keep it up!

Quote: Stylee TingTing @ 4th October 2014, 12:12 AM BST

Sounds like a copy of John Wells/Idi Amin diaries.

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Glad no one told Tina Fey 30 Rock sounds like a copy of Larry Sanders
or Graham Linehan's Father Ted was a copy of Faulty Towers or Alan Coren's Idi Amin Bulletins were a copy of Charlie Chan's pidgin English aphorisms from the 30s or there wouldn't be an awful lot ever made.

I thought the first one was great. I thought the second leveraged too much off the first reintroducing the seagull. Keep working on it till the character comes second nature and you'll start to see and be able to incorporate situations through their eyes.

I like it as a small diary / monologue rather than a back and forth with instructions for sitcom.
Get it right for radio, you can adapt it later once you have the chops.

And in case you don't know what Ting thinks you're copying - here's my favourite Bulletin:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R6Dze7L2Yvw