Hello fellow comedy clan members.
I am attempting to create an animation series about Steve Irwin's continued nature documentaries no that he is in Heaven and would be delighted to hear your thoughts. (even the harshest criticism can provide vital feedback)
Love you all... x
EXT. HEAVEN - DAY
PAN ACROSS AN IDYLLIC GARDEN PARADISE TO: STEVE IRWIN.
STEVE
G'day. I'm here, in this beautiful garden paradise looking for 'The Big Kahuna'. The creator of all creatures great and small. From the bright and beautiful, to the ugly little bastards making love in your eyebrows.
But since I've been here, I've seen some amazing things. From dinosaurs to dodo's, this place has got the lot. It really is, wildlife heaven.
(SPOTS SOMETHING)
Look at that!
STEVE DISAPPEARS FROM SHOT THEN COMES BACK HOLDING A HUGE PYTHON WEARING AN EYE PATCH. (A FRIGHTFUL OLD QUEEN WITH AN EVILLY SMOOTH RASP)
PYTHON
How dare you! Unhand me at once you vile brute.
STEVE: (to camera)
WhooooWHEEEEE! A talkin' fackin' snake, have a go at that!
(TO PYTHON)
Hello little fella, what's your name?
PYTHON
Little fellow? Well I must say, my mind is positively racing with the thought of what else you could've held in those rough hands of yours that would serve to render me as, little?
(LOOKS STEVE OVER)
Strapping young man like you, tight muscular arms, huge powerful shoulders, vice like grip. Why the girth of it alone must be enough to exceed the stretch of even my rather accommodating jaws. Am I right?
THE PYTHON OPENS HIS JAWS TO THEIR WIDEST GAPE AND GIVES STEVE A LITTLE WINK.
STEVE: (to camera)
Ah, have a go at that. I've handled a lot of snakes in my time...
PYTHON
Haven't we all dear?
STEVE: (to camera)
But this guy is something special...
PYTHON
Oh, you.
STEVE: (to camera)
I bet if he wanted to, with jaws that size, he could swallow me whole.
PYTHON: (bashful)
Please, I hardly even know you. You haven't even told me your name.
(UNDER HIS BREATHE)
Said the spider to the fly.
STEVE
Pleased to meet you there mate. I'm Steve.
PYTHON
Sssteven? Ah, the name just drips off the tongue.
(MOVES IN CLOSER)
And...runs down the... chin? Tell me, SssssssSteven, have you ever suckled from the teats of a questionable old fruit?
(BEAT)
I have one you might like to try?
STEVE: (to camera)
A one eyed suckling teat snake! Danger, danger, danger! I've read about this fella before and he is not to be trusted. Vary rare and very dangerous. I'd better put him down.
PYTHON
I can make it taste of pineappl...
STEVE SNAPS THE PYTHONS NECK AND TOSSES THE BODY AWAY.
HE SPIES SOMETHING IN THE DISTANCE.
STEVE
Ah, have a go at that!
SWIPE CUT TO:
EXT. POOLSIDE BAR - DAY
NIGEL BOTHA, A SOUTH AFRICAN GREAT WHITE SHARK WEARING AN ILL FITTING TOUPEE, CHATS WITH AMY WINEHOUSE.
AMY
Have you really got two willies?
NIGEL
Would you like to see one?
AMY
Really?
NIGEL
You know what they say, once you've had a great white, you'll never walk right.
AMY: (laughing)
You're such a tart. How big is it?
NIGEL
Well it's only six inches but it smells like a foot.
AMY LAUGHS.
FROM NOWHERE, STEVE RUGBY TACKLES NIGEL TO THE GROUND. ARMS, LEGS AND FINS FLAIL AT THE BOTTOM OF THE SCREEN AS AMY TRIES TO CALM THINGS DOWN.
NIGEL
What the f**k bru? You trying to fight me?
STEVE
He's a feisty little bugger.
AMY
Leave it Steve, he ain't done nuffin'.
NIGEL
Is it trouble you want fella ay? I'll bite your nose off.
STEVE
He's getting angry.
STEVE'S FACE APPEARS AT THE BOTTOM OF SHOT. AMY SMASHES HIS HEAD WITH HER HANDBAG.
STEVE
As you can see, the Great White's a very powerful and ferocious beast.
(BEAT)
And so is this little lady.
AMY
Let him go you kiwi prick.
STEVE
This display of protective behaviour is typical of a female in heat. I'm gonna need to divert her attention with the promise of some hard drugs, or a can of very strong super strength lager.
AMY: (rifling through handbag)
Where's me works?
CRUNCH! (THE SHARK'S TEETH FIND FLESH AND BONE).
STEVE: (pained)
Ahh! He's got me leg.
STEVE DISAPPEARS AGAIN. WE HEAR STRUGGLING.
NIGEL
How you like me now ay bru?
SOUNDS OF A STRUGGLE.
FADE TO:
INT. BAR - NIGHT
STEVE SITS AT THE TABLE WITH A BLACK EYE AND A SYRINGE STICKING OUT THE TOP OF HIS HEAD. NIGEL SITS OPPOSITE WITH HIS FINS CROSSED.
STEVE
So, Jaws...
NIGEL: (angered)
Nigel.
STEVE
Sorry?
NIGEL
My name is Nigel. Nigel Botha. From Dyer Island?
STEVE LOOKS BLANK.
NIGEL
I hate everybody calling me Jaws all the time. I look nothing like him.
STEVE
Who?
NIGEL
The guy from the James Bond movies, whasisname? Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, peter, peter, peter, peter, peter, peter, peter, peter...
STEVE
Richard Kiel.
NIGEL
No, the guy with the hair like a mudflap. Peter, Peter.
STEVE
Richard Kiel.
(POINTS)
He's over there.
CUT TO:
INT. DANCE FLOOR - NIGHT
WE SEE RICHARD KIEL DOING THE TWIST WITH JOAN RIVERS.
CUT TO:
INT. BAR - NIGHT
NIGEL AND STEVE AT THE TABLE.
NIGEL
I don't see the resemblance? Do you think it might be the hairpiece? Perhaps I should buy a new one ay?
STEVE
Why do you wear a hairpiece?
NIGEL
Why? WHY? I'll bloody tell you why. Because that Steven f**king Spielberg blew a hole in the top of my head bru that's why. Just look at the state of it.
NIGEL LIFTS THE WIG REVEALING THE HORRID MESS UNDERNEATH.
STEVE
Crikey. What happened?
NIGEL
I was on holiday with my wife Jemima and the kids and we saw him fishing off the cape. He said he was planning to make a documentary to rival Alan Whicker. "Just swim towards the camera with this can in your mouth Nigel, it will really help to highlight the pollution crisis in our oceans. And then BANG! Bastard riffled through my brain.
(SHAKES HEAD)
I didn't even know he'd made a film.
(LONG BEAT)
But then Roy Schneider came up ay. They showed it at his party.
(BEAT)
I had to have a few words with Roy.
CUT TO:
INT. BAR - POOL TABLE - NIGHT
ROY SCHNEIDER WITH NO ARMS, HIS DRINK AND STRAW IN A POUCH AROUND HIS NECK, PLAYING POOL WITH A SWING/CUE CONTRAPTION.
CUT TO:
INT. BAR - NIGHT
NIGEL AND STEVE.
NIGEL: (to camera)
You'd better watch your back ay Steve. I'll be waiting for you bru.
STEVE
Amazing. Join me next time when I'll be going Down under. To Hell.
CREDITS:
EXT. FIELD - DAY
A DODO FEED'S ON THE GRASS.
A T-REX HEAD APPEARS AND BITES THE DODO'S HEAD OFF, SWALLOWS IT, THEN SCREECHES.
END
