Sitcom attempt, feedback appreciated.

Here are the first ten pages of a sitcom I've been working on about a group of PhD students. Feedback would be greatly appreciated.

1. INT. - GIRLS' HOUSE, UPSTAIRS
MADDIE is asleep in her bed. We see the alarm clock tick over from 7:29 to 7:30 and the alarm goes as the word 'MONDAY' appears in one corner of the screen for a few seconds. MADDIE gets out of bed with almost indecent enthusiasm and grabs her towel. She opens her bedroom door and crosses the landing to the bathroom, closing the door behind her.

2. INT. - GIRLS' HOUSE, DOWNSTAIRS

MADDIE, now dressed, walks from the stairs while putting a folder in her backpack. She passes the open kitchen door, through which we saw LAURA and BETH trying to deal with a frying pan on fire. MADDIE walks by without apparently noticing the fire, but after a few steps she pauses, turns back, and is confronted with the apologetic face of BETH.

3. INT. - CORRIDOR

MADDIE and LAURA walk down a corridor towards a door with a sign 'FACULTY OF ARTS AND HUMANITIES, PhD CENTRE'. MADDIE pushes the door open.

4. INT. - PhD CENTRE

MADDIE and LAURA walk into the PhD CENTRE. On one side is a small kitchen area with some battered chairs, noticeboards and a printer/photocopier. On the other is a cluster of six desks, where CHRIS and SIMON are already sat working. Another door would lead to further desks. They look up as MADDIE and LAURA walk in.

SIMON
Are we reverting to our undergraduate habits, ladies? This is hardly bright and early on a Monday morning?

MADDIE
(taking off coat and putting bag on her desk)
Shut up, Simon.

LAURA
We're late because Beth sort of set fire to the kitchen.

CHRIS/SIMON
What?! / She did what?
CHRIS
(alarmed)
Is she OK?

MADDIE
(angrily)
Yes, your girlfriend is fine, and off to the Chemistry building where there are even more flammable substances for her to play with.

SIMON
(to LAURA)
Beth set fire to the kitchen?

LAURA
Only a bit...

MADDIE glares at LAURA as the two of them unpack their bags.

CHRIS
So, how is it going, the three of you sharing a house?

LAURA
Oh, it's fine.
(Seeing MADDIE's look of incredulity)
Oh come on, Maddie, accidents happen.

CHRIS
(trying to cool tempers)
So, anyone want coffee? Laura?

MADDIE signals no. LAURA and CHRIS go over to the kitchen are as SIMON rolls his computer chair next to MADDIE's desk.

SIMON
So, how is the three of you sharing a house going?

MADDIE
(with a look of quiet madness)
How long does it usually take for Stockholm Syndrome to develop?

5. INT. - PhD CENTRE

LAURA, MADDIE and SIMON are all working at their desks when BETH cautiously puts her head round the door, carrying a clear bowl of water. The others look up at the noise of the door. MADDIE makes an annoyed face and turns back to her work.
SIMON
Hey, Beth. Everything Ok?

BETH
(coming fully into the room)
Hi, Simon. Where's Chris?

SIMON
Gone to get a sandwich. He'll be back in a few minutes.

BETH
Right.
(Smiles hello to LAURA and then timidly comes over to MADDIE's desk)
Hi, Maddie.
(Maddie grunts)
I, er...I really am sorry about the fire.
(Another grunt. BETH searches desperately for something to say and seizes on MADDIE's work.)
Wow, that page is just full of squiggles. You really know a lot of languages, don't you? What's that one?

MADDIE
(Bluntly. BETH is not forgiven)
Old Norse.

BETH
Wow. And that one?

MADDIE
Ancient Greek.

BETH
And what's that?

MADDIE
(an uncomfortable pause)
That's my handwriting.

BETH
Oh...

MADDIE finally looks up and sees the bowl of water.

MADDIE
Is that to douse the next fire you inevitably start?

BETH
Huh? Oh, no.
(She puts the bowl down on the desk, thus revealing a goldfish)
I've bought a fish.

MADDIE
(flatly, staring at the fish)
A fish?

BETH
Yep. I know I need to be a bit more careful...and start fewer fires, and I thought looking after a pet would help me learn to be more responsible. I've called him Sushi.

LAURA
Sushi?

BETH
Yeah, I thought it was a nice name for a fish.

MADDIE
(still looking at the fish with a sort of horrified fascination)
Sure, and Sunday Roast is a nice name for a pet rabbit.

Fortunately BETH doesn't have time to be hurt as they all look round at the sound of CHRIS coming in, holding a full carrier bag.

BETH
Chris! I'd like you to meet Sushi.

CHRIS
Sushi?

BETH
My pet fish. It's to, uh... (glances at MADDIE) help me learn responsibility.

CHRIS looks to MADDIE for some guidance, but she is still staring at the fish.

CHRIS
Right. Sure. Right. So, have you come to eat lunch with us?

BETH
(somewhat shiftily)
Yeah. I've never seen the Arts PhD Centre before, so I thought I'd pop over.

MADDIE
(finally tearing her eyes away from the fish due to her suspicion of Beth)
And...?

BETH
And...we're not allowed back into the labs for another forty minutes or so. The...uh, fumes should have cleared by then.

LAURA and SIMON share a grin at this further proof of Beth's accident prone-ness. The whole group gradually begins to move over to the kitchen area as CHRIS distributes food from his carrier bag to MADDIE, SIMON and LAURA. MADDIE looks at her lunch - a tray of sushi - then at the fish, then takes a bag of crisps out of her desk drawer before joining the others.

BETH
Well, this is... (her gaze takes in the wobbly desk legs, stains on the carpet, and broken chairs, a noticeboard that has fallen off the wall and is propped up on the kitchen counter) ...nice.

SIMON
You mean, inferior to the facilities of the Science Faculty in every conceivable way?

MADDIE
(quietly)
At least we currently have breathable air.

CHRIS gives her a look that is mostly pleading, and hands one sandwich out of his pack of two over to MADDIE when he sees the rejected sushi.

LAURA
I think my favourite thing is how the Arts Faculty was so short on study space it had to shove an extra half dozen desks into the kitchen.

BETH
Isn't it funny how people's desks reflect their personalities?

MADDIE
(scathingly, but under her breath so only CHRIS hears, earning her another look)
Is yours currently on fire?

BETH
See - Laura's desk is basically a library in its own right, while Simon's is all colour coded. That one looks organised - whose is that?

SIMON
That's Marks.

LAURA
I haven't seen Mark in ages. What happened to him?

MADDIE
His supervisor is in Melbourne for six months so he's adjusted his sleep cycle to fit.

On the desk they can all see two small clocks labelled 'UK' and 'Supervisor'.

BETH
What?

CHRIS
Dr Towers believes in prompt replies to his emails.

BETH
Uh huh. What about that desk - it's almost completely bare.

SIMON
Oh, that's our spare desk. In the rare event that any of our supervisors actually come down here to see us, we sit there and pretend we have a tidy desk rather than the pits of filth we actually inhabit.

BETH
But I thought the Arts Faculty was really short on study space-

LAURA
And funding.

SIMON
And respect.

SIMON, LAURA, CHRIS and MADDIE
Damn scientists.

BETH
Right, well...if you're short on study space, how come there's a spare desk?

MADDIE
We invented a student.

BETH
...Pardon?

MADDIE
We made up a student, and got him assigned a desk. His name is Sam.

BETH
But...surely his supervisor knows he doesn't actually exist?

MADDIE
Oh, we made sure Sam was studying something interdisciplinary. The History department think that English is responsible for him, and English think History is responsible for him.

SIMON
We don't tend to see our supervisors much anyway-

MADDIE and CHRIS
We do!

MADDIE
(darkly)
Especially when they want a tedious task done in an implausible time frame.

SIMON
Yeah, well that's because you two did your undergrad degrees here and so your supervisors know who you are. I doubt mine would even recognise me.

BETH
Well, it's all very different to Science. My supervisor asks to see me at least once a week.

MADDIE
Yeah, but isn't that mainly to explain how you blew up the Chemistry building this time?

CHRIS is about to protest, but it is ruined by BETH checking her watch and exclaiming.

BETH
Oh, damn. I'm meant to be seeing him now to discuss the whole fumes thing. See you later.

SIMON
(wistfully, as BETH packs her things and leaves)
Maybe if we set fire to things we'd get to see our supervisors more often...

The four of them eat in silence for a moment.

MADDIE
(looking over in the direction of the desks)
Chris?

CHRIS
Yes?

MADDIE
You know your girlfriend's fish?
CHRIS
Yes.

MADDIE
The one she got to help her learn to be more responsible?

CHRIS
Yes.

MADDIE
She's left it behind.

The others turn to look at MADDIE's desk, where the fish has indeed been left.

6. INT. - PhD CENTRE

LAURA and CHRIS are finishing their lunch while MADDIE and SIMON are back at their desks. BETH picks up the fish bowl, muttering apologies and thanks for being called back to pick it up. The others wave goodbye to her and she leaves as MADDIE begins filing completely blank paper into a folder and hunting through a stack of books on her desk.

LAURA
Maddie, why are putting blank paper into that folder?

MADDIE
(as if this explains it)
I'm going to see my supervisor.

LAURA
So, why are you putting blank paper into a folder?

MADDIE
(as if explaining to a moron)
To give the appearance of work.
(She carefully arranges a book so that it half sticks out of the folder and the title can be read.)

SIMON
You don't think putting a whole book in there is a bit ambitious? I think he might just realise you haven't written it.

MADDIE
Nah, this is a book that he told me to read.

CHRIS
Oooh, that's a bit risky, isn't it? What if he asks you what you thought about it?

MADDIE clearly thinks CHRIS has a point and she removes the book.

SIMON
What would be wrong with that?

MADDIE
I haven't read it.
(LAURA makes a face of disgust as MADDIE finds some stapled together papers to further bulk out her folder.)
Right, see you later.

7. INT. - PROF. BOURBON'S OFFICE

MADDIE is sitting across the desk from her supervisor, Professor BOURBON, who hands her a piece of work with his comments on it.

BOURBON
-and the latest chapter looks good. Well done.

MADDIE
(receiving the paper, sounding mildly surprised)
Thanks.

BOURBON
Now, I have a couple of jobs for you.

MADDIE
(with feigned surprised)
Oh, really?

BOURBON
Number one, my niece is bringing a group of her sixth form students to look around the university and she wanted someone to give them a short talk on the relevance of Arts and Humanities to society today, but I have better things to do. They'll be having a look round the PhD Centre on Friday afternoon, and I'm sure you'll think of something suitably inspiring to say.
(MADDIE's face is looking anything but inspired, but BOURBON carries straight on, plonking a large stack of essays in front of MADDIE.)
Number two, I need you to mark my second years' essays. You can give them back during their seminar on Thursday.

MADDIE
(Eyeing the pile of essays warily)
Can't you share them out between your other PhD Students?

BOURBON
Nope.

MADDIE
Because...?

BOURBON
I don't actually know who my other PhD students are.

Hi Balanis. I had a quick look at it and I think there are a couple of problems which stand out right off the bat. Firstly, there's far too much description in the action, you could get rid of a lot of it. For instance, we don't need to know where every desk is in the classroom, it just slows everything down and it's boring to read. Secondly, a lot of the the stuff in parenthesis is micro-managing the dialogue and a lot of it could be done away with entirely, it's just slowing everything down and making it a difficult read.

There are a few other problems with it, but I think those are the main ones that need fixing before any other critique would be useful.

That's just my opinion though, others might disagree.

Good luck with it.

It's not terrible by any means but the dialogue needs trimming and the action needs to be compacted.

When you're writing for an established series, you can to an extent afford to take your time (and all sorts of other liberties) because your audience is already hooked. With a new sitcom or indeed a new ANYthing, you have fascinate your audience from the word 'go' if you don't want them reaching for that remote control.

I'd go:

1. INT. - GIRLS' HOUSE, DOWNSTAIRS
LAURA AND BETH are in the kitchen struggling with a blazing frying pan. MADDIE walks past the open kitchen door without apparently noticing the fire, but after a few steps she pauses, turns back, and is confronted with the apologetic face of BETH.

If you start like that, nobody is going to change channels just yet.

Good advice from the others! Also, don't make it too expositional. Rather than: "How is the three of you sharing a house going?" "How's the house-share going?" sounds more natural.

Quote: beaky @ 20th September 2014, 9:46 PM BST

Good advice from the others! Also, don't make it too expositional. Rather than: "How is the three of you sharing a house going?" "How's the house-share going?" sounds more natural.

View original

Both are too, as we say in the biz darlings, on the nose. Dramatise the exposition - don't have it spoken in that way.

Take Roods suggestion and organically explain the set up in a line or two that comes out of the action.

Thanks for all the comments. They're really useful.

Maddie: oh for gods sake, whoever thought sharing a house with you was a good idea needs their head read. Just get out Beth! Go on. It's not going to work!

Beth: (Apologetic) it's my house, Maddie.

Maddie: (Slow beat) My turn to cook tonight.

She hurries out.

Not that obviously but that sort of thing I mean.

Quote: Marc P @ 20th September 2014, 10:03 PM BST

Maddie: oh for gods sake, whoever thought sharing a house with you was a good idea needs their head read. Just get out Beth! Go on. It's not going to work!

View original

That actually sounds less natural I think.

I thought there was lots to like about this script. It established it's setting fairly well. A couple of the characters really shined, particularly Maddie and Beth. Maddie comes across maybe a bit too much of a bitch though, unless that is what you're going for? But you seemed to set her up initially as the voice of reason.

There was also some good gags in there which related to the characters and the situation.

As for flaws, like the others have mentioned, the scene descriptions need trimming down a lot. They just take up time and are unnecessary. A fair chunk of the dialogue could be cut back too, just take a good look at each line and decide whether it is truly needed (if it's not advancing the plot, revealing something about the character, or a joke then get rid).

But there are definitely positives at show here, so keep working at it.

Thanks for the feedback. It's been really useful (and has already allowed me to cut a whole page of unnecessary words). I may need to look again at Maddie's character if she seems too generally bitchy rather than just venting frustration at the current stupidities of Beth.

I kind of agree with everyone else - it needs some brutal cutting but like Martin said, keep at.

Mr Bourbon takes the biscuit/has everyone else over a barrel/crumbles under pressure/needs to wake up and smell the coffee*.

* Delete where applicable.

Hey Balanis

I like it and think you have a good thing going. I would agree there is probably a bit too much information / description throughout but on the plus side I thought it was all described rather well and didn't slow it down top much. But I would say get the scissors out.

I don't think there is enough at the moment to comment on some of the main things such as characters and dialogue. I would say it does appear they all might be a bit too normal - other than Beths fire starting tendencies there is no real extremities in the characters but as I say it's a little early to judge.

Would be keen to read some more.

Thanks for posting.

Thanks for the comments, Craig. I have been cutting a lot out (Martin's hint that anything not advancing plot, revealing character or being a joke should go has been really helpful), and that has made it clear to me what I think you mean about the lack of extreme characters. I was wondering if anyone had any thoughts on the number of characters? I don't want to cut one as I have spent time thinking about what to do with them, but if they are coming across as a bit samey then that might be something to try.

Ok all the criticism so far seems to be more than fair I'm afraid, expositional language too much scenery description.
But I like the setting it's original, I like the way the first scene introduces all the characters and the setting.
Would be nice to get the introduction to the plot a little more.

The jokes aren't bad at all and mostly from setting, the hand writing one, sushi the fish all nice.

Just make that language a lot more natural.