Skit Comp 16 - 23.9.14

Particularly phwoarsome skitcomp so congratulations to OTTERFOX and GAPPY for winning. PM me with a subject for next week please.
Hence:

Votes - Points - Name
2 - 10 - Otterfox, Gappy
1 - 5 - Nigel Kelly, Darren

Your new subject: NAMES.

Rules:
One entry/vote per person. Anyone can enter regardless of colour, sexual preferences or inside leg measurement, except gherkins.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything else as long as it's yours and vaguely linked to the topic. Please try to only post your entry/vote and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 23.9.14

Overall Leader Board is now:
Position - Points - Name
1 - 21 - Gappy
2 - 15 - Stylee, Otterfox
3 - 12 - me
4 - 10 - Tiggy
5 - 6 - Craig H
6 - 5 - Nigel Kelly, Darren, Nick81

RANDOM BRITISH SCHOOL IN 2038 FILLED WITH 6 YEAR OLDS.

TEACHER
Bunny

BUNNY
Here

TEACHER
Apple

APPLE
Here Miss

TEACHER
Pluto

PLUTO (singing)
I'm not a boy, I'm a coconut

TEACHER
I don't know what planet that boy is from sometimes

TEACHER (cont)
Summer

RAIN
She's off Miss. She's feeling a little under the weather.

TEACHER (cont)
Future

BROOKYLN
He'll be here soon Miss

TEACHER
Michelangelo

PHOENIX
He's got earache

TEACHER
Okay, I'd like you all to give a warm welcome to our newest student David.

The entire class start laughing.

TEACHER
That'll do children. Although it is quite an unusual name you have David. Where does it come from?

DAVID
My parents just had to be different. I think it's from the late 19th century.

END

SET IN LATE 1700's

INT. MR CHESTER'S FURNITURE SHOP- DAY.

A man enters the shop and approaches the only salesman there.

FURNITURE SALESMAN

Hello, welcome to Mr Chester's furniture shop, how can I be of assistance?

MAN

Well, I am an artist, specialising in the observational and wishing to do a piece on furniture. Drawers, specifically.

FURNITURE SALESMAN

A chest of drawers? Well, Sir, we had a delivery just yesterday. Although none are on display, there is an entire chest of chest of drawers upstairs, if you'd like to follow me.

The two make their way upstairs

FURNITURE SALESMAN (gesturing)

Here it is, Mr Chester's chest of chest of drawers.

MAN

Wonderful! I should very much like to draw it.

FURNITURE SALESMAN

If you don't mind me asking, sir, why are you so inclined to draw Mr Chester's chest of chest of drawers.

MAN

Well, Mr Chester's chest of chest of drawers draws me to draw it because I think it would help me to establish myself as one of the great artists of the age.

FURNITURE SALESMAN

And why is that?

MAN

You see, where I'm from, observational art, particularly of furniture, is very much the fashion. I should like to draw Mr Chester's chest of chest of drawers so that I might outdo my peers.

FURNITURE SALESMAN

And where are you from?

MAN

Chester.

FURNITURE SALESMAN

So, a drawing of Mr Chester's chest of chest of drawers in Chester, would be received well?

MAN

Yes it would. I do wonder if you could fetch Mr Chester for me so that we may discuss a price.

FURNITURE SALESMAN

He will be back momentarily sir, at this point in the afternoon he spends an hour with his son playing board games.

MAN

How sweet, their game of choice being?

FURNITURE SALESMAN

Chess, sir.

Mr Chester enters the room at this point.

MR CHESTER

Hello young man, I hope my assistant has been of assistance.

MAN

Oh yes indeed he has, Mr Chester.

FURNITURE SALESMAN

This gentleman is interested in buying your chest of chest of drawers he's
drawn to draw in Chester.

MR CHESTER

I see.

FURNITURE SALESMAN

And he is looking to settle a price.

MR CHESTER

Well, I'm sure we can agree on something reasonable. How will you be paying?

MAN (reaching into his pocket)

Cheque, sir.

END

THE GAME OF THE NAME

TV STUDIO.
ANNA and an OLD FART.

ANNA Good evening ladies and gentlemen and Justin Bieber and welcome to 'Pop of the Tops', the show which runs monthly, like my mother's vagina. Every week I, Anna Nouncer, discuss the world's top talent and Justin Bieber. My guest tonight is Jack Orff, an international expert on the thriving music scene and Justin Bieber. Mr Orff, welcome.

FART Yerse, very good.

ANNA Jack I've often been fascinated by the origins of groups' names - where these names come from - names like The Beatles.

FART Who? Ah yes, well there's a most fascinating legend therebehinds. You see, John Lennon. Lennon was actually the surname of both the fellow's parents, while John was a first name - or foreskin, sorry forename - which both aforementioned sprog-bearers felt congenital, sorry congenial. And 'twas the juxtaposition of these words - John plus Lennon - that created the name John Lennon. John Lennon ladies and gentlemen: a name destined to go down on the anals of musical history!

APPLAUSE.

ANNA No I meant 'The Beatles', not just John...

FART Of course it wasn't just John, you silly little arse. There was Paul McCartney. Well there's a most fascinating legend therebehinds. You see, McCartney was actually the surname of both the fellow's parents, while Paul was a first name - or foreskin, sorry forename - which both aforementioned sprog-bearers felt congenital, sorry congenial. And 'twas the juxtaposition of these words - Paul plus McCartney - that created the name Paul McCartney. Paul McCartney ladies and gentlemen: a name destined to go down on the anals of musical history!

APPLAUSE.

ANNA Look you jack-off...

FART Yerse?

ANNA I want to know the origin of 'The Beatles'.

FART Ah yes, Ringo Starr. Now his case was a tad different...

ANNA Good.

FART You see, I can't be totally sure, but I believe Starr was actually the surname of both the fellow's parents, which was a fortuitous coincidence, for a 'star' is precisely that which the whippersnapper became - while Ringo was a first name - or foreskin, sorry forename - which both aforementioned sprog-bearers felt congenital, sorry congenial: another happy chance, for he became renowned for wearing 'rings' over his dick-beaters. And 'twas the juxtaposition of these words - Ringo plus Starr - that created the name Ringo Starr. Ringo Starr ladies and gentlemen: a name destined to - maybe not.

SILENCE.

ANNA Okay, fine. A question from the audience? The guy in the Spiderman outfit?

GUY Yeah. Paul McCartney and Wings?

FART Alas, I can only half-answer this 'un.

ANNA Oh f**k.

FART You see, 'wings' were precisely that which the fledgling ex-Beatle wished to spread so as too escape his illustrious past, both a blessing and, alack, a burden. Wings are also irresistibly reminiscent of the Icarus myth, an enticing reversal of the legend in that McCartney had already flown too close to the sun and was now anxious to return to his simplistic roots, as witness the series of deliberately low-key university gigs performed around this period. Wings are furthermore symbolic of rebirth, and it was of course an artistic rebirth for which the renewed artist was struggling.

ANNA God you're boring.

Location- BARN INTERIOR. A MAN and a WOMAN, both elderly,sit on a hay-pile. They are dressed suitably traditionally.

MAN: Yep, it were here all right.

WOMAN: I still don't know why you did it, you know. It's not as if it made any sense.

MAN (defensively): 'cause if you give birth in a barn you better come up with a ridiculous name. Or story.And someone had done the story already.

WOMAN: Why?

MAN: 'cause giving birth in a barn is a ridiculous thing to do.You may as well start weaving that straw into gold.

WOMAN: That's impossible!

MAN: My point. So if you're going to do something as ridiculous as give birth in a barn you'd better give the child a ridiculous name.

WOMAN: So why don't cows have funny names.

MAN: I've no idea. Didn't think cows had names, 'sides 'sausage' and 'spare ribs'. But if it's a human born in a barn it has to have a ridiculous name. Stands to reason.

WOMAN: I'm telling you, that boy must have grown up with a complex. Do you remember how he used to play with dolls? Possessive, real possessive. (Pause)
Do you know, that king must have been given a silly name.

MAN: Why?

WOMAN: Locking up that poor girl. He must have a complex and a half. Like our son.

MAN: Who says our son's got the complex 'cause of his name? It ain't that bad.

WOMAN: (Raised Voice) Rumpelstiltskin? Why, that is a sure-fire guarantee of issues!

SMALL UGLY DWARF runs past the open door, howling in rage.

WOMAN: You see?

INT. Space Observatory England, Day.

Elderly husband and wife team are manning the observables.

PHIL
Oh!

BARBARA
Oh?

PHIL
Oh dear!

BARBARA
Oh? dear.

PHIL
I've got a letter.

BARBARA
Important?

PHIL
Very.

BARBARA
Who's it from?

PHIL
Stephen Bolton.

BARBARA
Do we know Stephen?

PHIL
He's eight and says he's from Luton.

BARBARA
That's nice. You don't really get letters anymore, it's all emails now.

PHIL
He's bought a planet on the internet.

BARBARA
Very nice, big responsibility. Wants to know if we could tell him how long till he can visit?

PHIL
No.

BARBARA
Where is it?

PHIL
Ursa Major, orbiting TYC 3429-697-1. We know very little about it.

BARBARA
Oh, you have to be careful. I hope he kept his receipt, look what happened with Pluto. You think you're buying a planet then you get it home...

PHIL
He says there was a box to fill out to name his planet and he couldn't think of a good one so put in Earth.

BARBARA
Could be confusing.

PHIL
Well yes, he thinks so. He's written us a basic cease and desist order for copyright infringement and suggests we find an alternative name for our planet.

English place names can sound like dead character Actors- Langton Matravers, Acton Turville (often called by Luvvies the "Finest Hamlet in the Cotswolds" ), and I once spent a dirty weekend in Denholm Eliot.

The place names in the Forest of Dean (where I grew up) show something of its industrial heritage-

Redbrook, a village downstream from the ironworks, Coalford, a ford across the river made of coal, Cinderford, a ford across the river made of cinders( which is a very inefficient way of crossing a river- throwing ashes into the raging torrent till you can wade across on them - especially if you consider how you make ashes- you burn trees - did they ever consider using the trees [which admittedly, are readily available in a forest] to build 'a bridge' and calling the village" Woodbridge" ? Or not crossing the river at all and staying in Pete Postlethwaite. )

[High Street bank interior. CUSTOMER enters]

TELLER: Good morning, Sir

CUSTOMER: Good morning. I'd like some money please.

TELLER: Of course, Sir. Could I just take your account number?

CUSTOMER: My account...?

TELLER: Account number, if you wouldn't mind.

CUSTOMER: Ah. It doesn't really have one.

TELLER: Sorry?

CUSTOMER: It doesn't have a number. As such.

TELLER: I rather suspect it does.

CUSTOMER: Nope. It has a name. It's called Fluffy.

TELLER: No it is not.

CUSTOMER: Are you trying to tell me I don't know my own account's name? Who died and made you king of who's army? My account is called Fluffy, I've had it about 6 months, it's a sort of mottled brown, and I want some money.

TELLER: Sir, I'm going to ask you this very simply, and I want you to tell me the truth, so we can all get on with busy agendas: do you have an account here?

CUSTOMER: Yes.

TELLER: I see. So would you mind supplying me with some proof of this account so I can -

CUSTOMER: No wait! I'm getting muddled. Hamster!

TELLER: Sir?

CUSTOMER: I don't have an account here, I have a hamster here: Fluffy. Had him 6 months or so. Mottled. Yes, that's where we're getting confused. Sorry about that. So, can I have some money?

TELLER: No you can't have any money, because a) we don't give money to people based on their respective pets, and b) you don't actually have a hamster here. You might own a hamster, I wouldn't know, but it's not here.

CUSTOMER: Yes it is.

TELLER: Well, where is it then?

CUSTOMER: Behind you!!

(HAMSTER wearing eyemask comes out from behind TELLER carrying big sack of cash. Shoots TELLER in the face, he and CUSTOMER run from bank laughing. Cut to slomo montage of CUSTOMER & HAMSTER robbing banks, throwing money around arm in arm, drinking champers by a pool, and finally getting gunned down outside a branch of Natwest: all very Bonnie & Clyde.)

A SCRAWNY SCHOOLBOY STANDS IN THE HIGH STREET OUTIDE MARKS & SPENCER. 3 BULLIES TAUNT HIM MERCILESSLY

BULLY 1:
Oi! What you looking at, you lanky piece of shit?

BULLY 2:
I bet you're a gay boy aren't you? Waiting for your boyfriend?

BULLY 3:
Wanker, wanker, wanker.....

SCHOOLBOY
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me.

BULLY 1:
Guess again dickhead..

BULLY 1 TAKES A STONE FROM HIS POCKET AND HURLS IT AT THE STORE SIGN. THE "MARKS & SPENCER" LETTERS FALL FROM THE WALL AND LAND ON THE SCHOOLBOY'S HEAD, KNOCKING HIM UNCONCIOUS.

Scene[ Police questioning room]

COP: So you think you are a tough guy

SUSPECT:[indigent] Please you got nothing on me.

COP: Oh you think so, You little spanner. I could crush you under my little thumb

SUSPECT: I'd like to see you try.

[punches prisoner]

COP: Give me a name.

SUSPECT: Go to Hell

[punches prisoner]

COP: Give me a name.

SUSPECT: No

[punches prisoner]

COP: Give me a name.

SUSPECT: Fine, then Tom

COP: Oh I like Tom, I could be a Tom, Tom sounds right. Thanks since getting the old amnesia and forgetting my own name I have felt lost Thank you.

SUSPECT: Fine can I go now.

COP: Not until [Sound of a chainsaw] Give me a surname

I vote Gappy.

Liked Craig's a lot, but seemed to tail away at the end, so my vote goes to Pugsmith.

Ahem

Some cracking sketches this week but gappy gets the nod from me. Brilliant matey!

Darren Hoskins. I thought it was boring, lured me in with a false sense of security and then the pete postlethwaite line had me burst out laughing. Great build up of tension and release.