gappy
Sunday 7th September 2014 1:31pm
Oxford
2,696 posts
[Clean, bright daytime TV studio kitchen. TOM and SABRINA behind long gleaming counter, smiling, mid-broadcast]
TOM [Suiting actions to his words] Then, after cracking your eggs, simply pour them back and forth between the two shell halves until the white has fully separated from the yolk, and drop them into the bowl. Now, here's the secret - it helps if the eggs are a little colder than room temperature. Sabrina?
SABRINA [Taking bowl from TOM] That's right, Tom. Now, before we go adding the sugar, it's time to beat the whites - yes, that's right, we're after those "stiff peaks" everyone talks about. Just get stuck in there and use some elbow grease with a good old-fashioned egg whisk. Now, egg whisks come in all shapes and sizes, but I like this classic stainless steel version that I actually inherited from my mother. So, just start whisking vigorously and-
TOM: Sorry, Sabrina, can I interrupt?
SABRINA; [Uncertain; we're off script here] Yes, Tom?
TOM: They're not.
SABRINA: They're not...what...?
TOM: It's not true. Twice.
SABRINA [Desperate glance of camera. Forced chuckle] I think you've lost me there, Tom.
TOM: Egg whisks don't come in "all shapes and sizes", do they?
SABRINA: Yes, I suppose you're right, Tom. So-
TOM: [Speech moves through venom to mania over duration] You told a falsehood, Sabrina - we cannot allow that. Egg whisks don't come in all shapes, that would be ludicrous. They come in a small variety of shapes instantly identifiable as egg whisks, and in sizes tailored towards the size of an egg, and the average human hand. Plus, in shape terms, it would make no business sense to manufacture an egg-shisking utensil without a clear area specifically designed to beat eggs. Completely futile. This allegation that they come in some infinitudinous variety of shapes and sizes is iniquitous and misleading. Have you ever seen an egg whisk shaped like an ampersand, a pentagram or a Black & Decker Workmate? No, because that would adversely affect any egg whisking potential, possibly to the exclusion of any possible success in the endeavour whatsoever. Any shape! "Oh, hi Tom, why's there a vintage Gibb's Aquada amphibious all-terrain vehicle hanging out the side of your kitchen?"; "There's not, that's my egg whisk"; "Oh yes, of course, how silly of me, after all they do come in all shapes and sizes"; "Yes, and this is much less hassle than the one I used to have, shaped like David Niven's face and the size of the planet Neptune". You can't disseminate these filthy fallacies on British television, you devious fork-toungued kitchen-hussy!!
SABRINA: [Pause. Listens to earpiece. Then overly brightly] You're right, Tom, I apologise.
TOM; [Back to normal immediately, pulling a bowl of lemons into shot] No problem. So, whilst Sabrina's busy with that, I'll turn my attention to making the meringue. We'll want to get a good few ounces of lemon zest, and I find the easiest way to do that is to use a cheesegrater.
[He bends beneath the desk and brings out a giant device, about 5 feet long. It is shaped like Mr Noseybonk from Jigsaw, with a pink swastika on his chest, a dachshund instead of a left arm, and a set of caterpillar tracks where his feet should be. He raises it awkwardly above his head and tries to run a lemon against it for a few moments, before collapsing out of shot]