British Comedy Guide

Cycling Around the World

This is the story of John Boardman and his attempt to cycle all the way around the world in under 194 days to beat the Guiness World Record of 194 days and 17 hours.

John trained hard every day for 2 long years before setting out on his epic journey. He had saved up for 5 years working in an office in London, cycling to and from work and longer rides at the weekend, he supplemented this with 2 hours in the gym 5 days a week, he ate perfectly and stayed away from alcohol or tobacco, he was the fittest he had ever been when he decided the time was right to begin.

He started from his home just outside London on a cold February morning. His panniers were packed, his bike had been serviced and he was ready to go. As he left he waved goodbye to the well-wishers who had come out to wish him luck; his mum, his sister and Karen from next door who was taking her bins out at the time, "Goodbye Mum," he said to his mum, "Goodbye Sis" he said to his sister as hugged them both goodbye, "Good luck son" said his mum, "Your dad sends his best, he said he'd text you after the car boot sale."

And so he set off on his trip, it was to be a gruelling, exhausting trip of a lifetime; it was by far the single biggest adventure he had ever undertaken. Except for a package holiday to Spain, John hadn't even been abroad before, so his eyes were bound to be opened by this mission. He set out down towards Dover where he would be getting the ferry to France, then followed the thousand miles across the whole of Europe, he pedalled across France, and Belgium and Germany and Italy; he came to Greece exhausted and was helped by the locals. He pushed on past his exhaustion, he battled fatigue, saddle sores and aching limbs but he was determined and continued on regardless; after Europe came Asia, Australia and then America. Hour after hour, day after day he struggled on and on, determined to reach his final destination. This wasn't just a physical challenge it was a mental one too.

Then the day finally came when he came back on to English Soil, he had landed in Ireland, was off the ferry at Pembroke and had just 2 days exactly to beat the record. It was going to be close but he was resolute in his belief and he was going to complete his historic victory.

It seemed to get harder and harder as he approached the finish line, the seconds felt like minutes and the miles felt like 10 miles. Suddenly though, he could see London, he could see the skyscrapers, he could see home. He battled on, just 10 miles to go, and 1 hour to go, then 8 miles and 50 minutes, then 5 miles and 35 minutes, then he was just 2 miles away, then finally he got to the end of his road. 6 minutes to go and he knew he was just 200 yards away from finishing; a tear came to his eye. His mind was as sodden with emotion as his eyes were sodden with tears. He didn't even see the traffic lights as he hit the last junction before home and he didn't see the bus until it was too late. The last thing he heard was the horn of the bus before it smashed into his right side.

At the funeral, there were 3 mourners; there was his mum, his sister and Karen from next door who had been walking her dog through the graveyard at the time. His Dad was going to nip to the grave after the car boot.

Hi Mikey,

I thought it only right that I reply as I read every word of your story.

I found it very sad, tragic and in no way funny.

The story has no likeability at all. Granted the story was not long enough to build up any likeable character but the final paragraph was nothing but upsetting. Was this supposed to be a big punchline?

The first 3 paragraphs are at the pace of a 300 page book with the pointless dialogue and suddenly the next 2 that follow were like I hit the fast forward x 32 on my Tivo box.

I am still bewildered as to what you were trying to achieve with the story. Is it supposed to be funny? ironic? sad? I have no idea where or how you would present such a story.

Sorry if this is not what you wanted to hear but this was one story I found difficult to offer much in the way of constructive advice - which I always try to do.

Hi Craig.

Nice one for reading it dude - I appreciate it and thank you for your comments. Your feedback was perfect!

It has no purpose and it doesn't need to be presented in any particular place. I'm just learning my craft and yes it is supposed to be sad - it's a different type of comedy. I just like the idea of the guy putting so much effort in and then he's just killed and his life was worth shit anyway.

I'm glad you responded though - a lot of the people on here are only interested in being a copycat sitcom writer or stand up.

Even though you intend this to be sad for me it was like a very interesting take on the idea of "So close yet so far..."

Just out of curiosity, why does he want to beat the world record? I think if you wanted to really make it sad then having a good motivation for beating the world record, something that defines him as a person or something.

I liked it and loved the little details paid off in the end.

Good man :)

Thanks Marc, appreciate it

Hey HughesBunburying, thanks for your comments. Actually I'm not sure if I did want it to be sad really to be honest. I didn't find it sad when I wrote it, it's more I just liked the idea of showing something, I'm not sure what but along the lines of even your biggest dreams and ambitions don't actually mean anything in the grand scheme of things - nothing does really so just have a laugh - hahaha

And I'm not trying to achieve anything with it, I'm just f**king about so I'm justy going to leave it as it is

and

Quote: Mikey88 @ 27th August 2014, 1:22 PM BST

This is the story of John Boardman and his attempt to cycle all the way around the world in under 194 days to beat the Guiness World Record of 194 days and 17 hours.

John trained hard every day for 2 long years before setting out on his epic journey. He had saved up for 5 years working in an office in London, cycling to and from work and longer rides at the weekend, he supplemented this with 2 hours in the gym 5 days a week, he ate perfectly and stayed away from alcohol or tobacco, he was the fittest he had ever been when he decided the time was right to begin.

He started from his home just outside London on a cold February morning. His panniers were packed, his bike had been serviced and he was ready to go. As he left he waved goodbye to the well-wishers who had come out to wish him luck; his mum, his sister and Karen from next door who was taking her bins out at the time, "Goodbye Mum," he said to his mum, "Goodbye Sis" he said to his sister as hugged them both goodbye, "Good luck son" said his mum, "Your dad sends his best, he said he'd text you after the car boot sale."

And so he set off on his trip, it was to be a gruelling, exhausting trip of a lifetime; it was by far the single biggest adventure he had ever undertaken. Except for a package holiday to Spain, John hadn't even been abroad before, so his eyes were bound to be opened by this mission. He set out down towards Dover where he would be getting the ferry to France, then followed the thousand miles across the whole of Europe, he pedalled across France, and Belgium and Germany and Italy; he came to Greece exhausted and was helped by the locals. He pushed on past his exhaustion, he battled fatigue, saddle sores and aching limbs but he was determined and continued on regardless; after Europe came Asia, Australia and then America. Hour after hour, day after day he struggled on and on, determined to reach his final destination. This wasn't just a physical challenge it was a mental one too.

Then the day finally came when he came back on to English Soil, he had landed in Ireland, was off the ferry at Pembroke and had just 2 days exactly to beat the record. It was going to be close but he was resolute in his belief and he was going to complete his historic victory.

It seemed to get harder and harder as he approached the finish line, the seconds felt like minutes and the miles felt like 10 miles. Suddenly though, he could see London, he could see the skyscrapers, he could see home. He battled on, just 10 miles to go, and 1 hour to go, then 8 miles and 50 minutes, then 5 miles and 35 minutes, then he was just 2 miles away, then finally he got to the end of his road. 6 minutes to go and he knew he was just 200 yards away from finishing; a tear came to his eye. His mind was as sodden with emotion as his eyes were sodden with tears. He didn't even see the traffic lights as he hit the last junction before home and he didn't see the bus until it was too late. The last thing he heard was the horn of the bus before it smashed into his right side.

At the funeral, there were 3 mourners; there was his mum, his sister and Karen from next door who had been walking her dog through the graveyard at the time. His Dad was going to nip to the grave after the car boot.

Is this stand up tragedy?

What do you mean mate?

It's not stand up - I'm a writer

It's like Jane Austen on Prosac :/

I like Igor's sharp replies.

Quote: Mikey88 @ 30th August 2014, 4:06 PM BST

What do you mean mate?

Stand up tragedy...as opposed to stand up comedy. I think that's quite a witty comment, and I don't think Igor imagined you were really going to recite it in a club.

I think the post is pretty decent, although hard to judge a piece that isn't really comedy precisely (although it has a darkly humourous undertow) when you're expecting to read gags - perhaps we need a thread for "Things I Wrote That Aren't Really Comedy, Exactly".

Haha, yes, sorry. I think we should have a section like that, just for dark humour or something that's kinda really sad but hilarious.

But yeah, I am ready to get into comedy again. Did you know I haven't done stand-up in 10 years or so after my wife died when our house burned down one night, but now I am ready to go for it again! Yeah!

So my wife and I were watching TV one evening...

I'm just kidding, I'm a 16 year old Laughing out loud

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